I'm not good enough.

I had a coaching call with Alice yesterday. I wasn't feeling coachable at first, she actually told me to call her on Friday because this was a waste of her time. I agreed to "get off" it and go on with the call. She was trying to get to the source of why I was being so resistant to the course and where it's been showing up in my life. This conversation led to my act, however, we realized that my act of having to be perfect wasn't the dominant one, it was only a manifestation of my real act. When I thought about it, my having to be perfect only shows up in a few things, most of the time it's me feeling that I'm not good enough. I have to be perfect because I am not good enough. Huh. It struck a chord, it made more sense to how I've been living my life and in my relationships. I play it safe because I'm not good enough. I stay in my comfort zone because I'm not good enough to take those risks. I avoid vulnerability, for fear of rejection, because I'm not good enough. I am stingy about my love in relationships because I'm not good enough to love and to be loved like that. This is so true. The more I'm writing about this, the more things are coming up for me. I've actually questioned before why some people like me, why it's always been easy for me to make friends or to find dates. I never thought to step back and look at why there WAS a question, why I couldn't accept the fact that I'm just a likeable person. It was me trying to prove to myself that I'm not good enough, that I'm not worthy of another's attention. The funny thing is, deep down I know that I am, I feel it often; but as soon as my fears show up, it's back to my act of "I'm not good enough" and I shut down to where I find it extremely difficult to open up again. It takes up a lot of my energy, it doesn't feel good. So now I added a new possibility to my old one, one that could play a significant part in my life if I keep my integrity with it everyday. Who I am, is the possibility of self-expression, vulnerability, and LOVE. The act I'm giving up is "I'm not good enough" and THAT is who I am. Word!