Breakthrough
I started the Advance Course yesterday...it's a long day! It's already amazing, the concept and the perception we're being trained and coached to have. Some of the exercises were a bit uncomfortable, but I guess they have to be to be effective. Getting what we want is always hard and that's what makes it "real." Usually, I'm a late bloomer in these things, however, I got something last night.
As I mentioned before, I struggle with my scars. I brought that issue with me to the course because I'm exhausted with the negativity I attach to them. I got last night that it's pretty stupid to think that I have to be perfect. It's pretty stupid that I let something that I have no control over rule my life. It's pretty stupid that they are only scars...so what! It's pretty stupid that I've been so wrapped up in how ugly I thought they were, that when I went to tell my story to others, they didn't even blink an eye. They didn't care. It was all me.
Although, I felt this and saw how ridiculous I've been about my scars, I still wasn't fully complete...not until Marisa and I were driving home anyway. We were talking about the day, which of course turned into my "struggle" and my "suffering." As we talked about it, I suddenly remembered something. I always thought the reason my scars scarred me so much, was for an occurence that happened to me in school...I've been wrong and that's why I haven't been able to accept them for what they are. I get it now.
My story: Jill and I are identical twins. We looked exactly alike when we were younger, nobody could tell us apart. There was one way that my extended family could and it was by lifting my shirt, to see who had the scars. I never knew that this affected me so much until now. I identify myself with my scars, because that's how everybody else did. It made me different, which in turn made me feel that I had to be perfect everywhere else in order to compensate for the ugliness on my stomach. After realizing this, I feel complete. There was a source, I found it, and now I'm ready to embrace them. My scars represent my battle wounds from three separate wars that I won. I'm proud to be a survivor, a warrior, and I'm thankful to be ALIVE.
posted by Jamie @ 7:34 AM
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You know I totally relate to your scars. When I got mine from my spinal operation, I felt the exact same way. I felt like they were ugly, I felt they made me ugly and I felt ashamed that they were on my body. I thought that people would think they were gross and wouldn't want to be with me because of them.
It wasn't until much later that I too realized that these scars weren't something that I should be ashamed of, but should be proud of. They are proof of the battles that I have fought and won and show that I lived life and that life isn't always easy.
Plus, scars are sexy. If you ask me, we've got things going for us that most don't.
Rock on! Scar club!
I ask you this.. and i hope you reply, cause i am a little behind the curve here.. it is Feb 27th 07 and this post was in may 06.. but im catching up here, so give me a break.. ha!
but i ask you this... i feel as though i have inner scars, inner "dark spots", that i am afraid of revealing to practically everyone! You mentioned in an earlier post that in the past you used to be very open about your experiences almost in in a way of putting yourself out there like "before you begin to like me, let me tell you about the ugly side of myself"... well one, that sid of you is not ugly, it is very beautiful! but the point that i am trying to make is... i too do that, always have, if you are able to conquer your insecurities about the visible scars on the outer you.... what about the inner ones?
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