My New Possibility

As I mentioned before, I was coached by Alice today. After talking for several minutes, we realized that the possibility I made for myself out of the Advanced Course was actually my strong suit. HA! My possibility was to be action and strength, but if you think about it, that's who I've always been...the strong one, especially in my relationships. My thinking process is, "I'm too strong to let you know how much I need you. I'm too strong to let you in. I'm too strong to show you how much I care. I'm too strong to express my feelings." Therefore, situations don't affect me like they would other people and I come out looking strong. Hence, my strong suit!

I refused to let myself cry on the phone with Alice last week, before my first breakdown. I fought with everything I had against the huge lump that formed in my throat. I even sucked up the few tears that tried so hard to stream down my cheek. After we got off the phone, I felt I was inauthentic, so I told her about it later. She called me out on it today when she discovered my possibility of being strong was actually my strong suit. Oopsie! We started laughing as soon as she pointed it out.

My other possibility was being action, but I had to step back and think about this one. When I really want something, I'll take all the action in the world to make sure I get it. I'm all about action in certain situations, it's another one of my strong suits, ESPECIALLY in relationships. There's no stopping me and others will say that as well. I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but until I read Jill's post, it wasn't clicking. Her post made me pop! Furthermore, my action and inaction was creating a vicious cycle that was leaving me with a lack of confidence. I knew I could be in action, I've done it! But, when confronted with my inactive behavior, it left me feeling incapable. Whoa.

Man, I am good at doing everything I can to NOT be self-expressed. I actually left the Advanced Course with my strong suit being my possibility. HA! That's funny! My strong suit keeps me closed up, keeps me from being self-expressed, keeps me in fear of letting people in. It was like a light switch when Alice said that, I got it right away. What's even funnier is this possibility was said through my act of being perfect. Who wouldn't want to be around someone who is strong and always in action? I would! Ha! No wonder it never felt natural, or didn't sound right when someone referred to me as my possibility. Anyway, we both felt that it was time to create a new possibility and here it is:

I'm creating the possibility of being self-expressed and vulnerable, and THAT is who I am.