November 18th, 2004

It was two years ago tomorrow when I was finally released from the hospital, after being there for a whole month. It felt like prison, the only place I had to go was up and down the hallways. I vividly remember the moment my doctor told me I could go home and the relief and anxiety that followed. I was so happy, yet terrified at the same time. I knew my mom would be leaving that night, she was my safe haven throughout my stay. The thought of a fever spiking again without medical professionals around scared me as well, it's unsettling to feel so dependent on other people. Those concerns didn't get it in the way though, as soon as I got the okay, my mind was already out the door. The doctors came in and unhooked all the wires and tubes that were in my body, it was so freeing to be able to walk without that annoying IV cart. All the nurses that were apart of my recovery came in one by one to say goodbye, even the one I yelled at a few times. Damn hormones! They proceeded to take my temperature on the way out, I panicked. I thought for sure it was going to be the detriment to me leaving. Luckily, I was only a little warm and can honestly say I brought it on myself, I was paranoid and extremely negative. I was such a mental case and me being as strong-minded as I am, if I didn't leave any sooner, undoubtedly I would've spiked a fever again. Thankfully, Kristen, Mom, and Gina were ready to rush me out of there, NO WAY they were going to let me stay another night.

We walked out of the hospital doors and man, that sunlight was bright! I was so weak, I felt like I was in isolation. The outside world was different from what it was when I first went in, a new appreciation slowly built as we drove home; however, I was still trying to recover from the outburst I had over the weekend toward my mom. It was hard to really enjoy the moment because of the sadness and regret I felt. Also, she was leaving that evening and Kristen too...I didn't know how to say goodbye and to thank my mom for what she did for me. We both lost a whole month of our lives...literally just gone.

I was very uneasy as time came closer for them to leave, I couldn't relax. After they left, Jill and Gina did all they could to keep me sane, then it was time to sleep and I felt grateful to be back in my bed. The night didn't go as I hoped it would, I was uncomfortable and my mind was all over the place. I got up late that night and walked out into the living room, where Gina was still on the couch working on her computer. She put her computer away and slept on the couch with me...it was the first night I finally slept all the way through. Knowing she was there made all the difference in the world, I finally felt like I was home and my nightmare was over. Everything was going to be okay.