This Weekend

Whoa, what an emotional weekend! I honestly thought before going into the Advanced Course at Landmark, that I knew everything about myself...soooooo not the case.

My story: It was about 1 or 2 on Saturday and we were sharing with our partners about the "act" we play in our daily lives. I thought I was open to the conversation, trying to explain where my fears come from and how I interact with the people in my immediate circle and outside my circle. My partner started to "pick my brain", asking me questions that were direct, honest, and made me extremely uncomfortable. My initial reactions were of plain denial, "NO! Of course not! I'm not that!" He planted a seed for me unknowingly to the both of us. I couldn't stop thinking about it. My thoughts made me very sad and soon that damn lump formed in my throat. I became overwhelmed with emotion, still without the cry. It hurt to hold it in, but I fought to make sure I did. And then, BAM! I knew my "act." It hit me SO hard in the face, that I lost it. My tears came from a place I didn't even know existed. I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't stop thinking, and I couldn't control my emotions. Marisa just held me and smiled. "Congratulations," she said. "You just figured it out and now you're ready to take this course on!" I didn't think so at first. I felt fear, I was angry with myself, and I was really confused. I didn't know what to do next and I didn't know what to do with my new revelation. It wasn't a good moment for me.

After 20 minutes of emotional exhaustion from crying, an unknown thought occurred to me: "It's time to own this and be proud that I worked this hard to figure out my "act " this early on in the game. I felt amazing, cleansed, and relieved. I was more in touch with myself than I've ever been and it truly freed me from everything I could ever have imagined. It was awesome!

My act: "I have to be perfect." This "act" has been stopping me from growing. This act brought undeserved judgments on people in my life, outside my life, and most importantly in my relationships. Nobody was ever good enough, not living up to my unrealistic standards. I felt that I had to look perfect and be perfect because that's what I expected from my significant other. It was a hard truth and it hurt me. I was blindsided by it and felt ashamed for my in-authenticity. I apologized to those that I internally judged. They didn't even know what I was talking about and that's exactly why I had to do it. I've been "fake" and it was time for me to own it and give it up. I am NOT perfect and I accept it. I love myself for being "Me."

The Advanced Course was simply mind blowing and I know from this moment forward, reality is the key to my success. Who I am is the possibility of being "action" and "strength" and I vow to show people that they can transform too.