Strong Suit Gone Bad

My strong suit has manifested in many ways. One that jumps out at me in this very moment is my last hospital stay.

My Story: As you all know, I was in the hospital for a whole month. My parents flew out and stayed with me, I needed them like never before. The intended surgical procedure was a hysterctomy, but it turned out to be more dangerous, more complex. They literally had to take out my organs, clean off all the scar tissue, shove them back in and remove a small part of my bowel...a six hour surgery. Sorry, if you're a visual person, I know that must've been awful to picture, because it sure didn't feel good afterwards. I was on mass amounts of morphine and pain killers for two weeks and had an epidural for the first couple of days. I couldn't feel a thing and I was definitely hallucinating. Ask Gina, she loves to tell that story!

After being on morphine for so long, I began to freak out. The hallucinations started to scare me, I couldn't grasp reality. I took myself off of it, without the approval of my doctors and switched to demoral. This made me very sick, I couldn't handle the nausea, it was so bad I couldn't even talk for fear that I'd throw up. Finally, I chose to go without any pain killers at all, I felt it was the only way I'd get through. It was pain like no other, but it didn't matter. I was very reasonable at this point, nobody could tell me what to do. I was the strong one who couldn't get my feelings and emotions out. I pent up a lot of anger, sadness, my true way of being. I couldn't tell anyone how scared I was, how I was completely freaked out. It all manifested into my body, the reason why I probably stayed in the hospital a week or two longer than I should have. My dad told me that, Gina told me that, but I wasn't about to admit I was being "weak" and that I was terrfied.

It was the last final days I was in the hospital, I was almost giving up. There were too many let downs, telling me I couldn't go home yet. In fact, IV Ativan was my addiction for the month, to sleep and calm my mind down, it kept me sane. On the Sunday, before I knew I was going home, I had a breakdown. My mom had been in the hospital with me the whole time, sleeping there and sitting by my side. She literally went through the same pain and frustration as I, but it was difficult for me to register that. I was REALLY grumpy, grumpy is not even a good word to describe my mood, I was pissed off and feeling helpless at this point. I stored so much emotion and feeling inside, never did I release it verbally as I should have. I'd get mad, I'd yell at the nurses, but I never voiced what was really going on inside me. Not until my mom snuggled up against me in my hospital bed and asked me how I was really feeling. I turned to her as if she was the one that caused this to happen. I unleashed everything, my anger, my frustration, my sadness. I hurt her in a way that took me a long time to get over. I was awful and it was because my strong suit was in full force the whole time and I wasn't feeling strong at all. That was one regret in my life that I couldn't let go of until Landmark. Although, my mom forgave me and we talked about it several times, I felt it was one of the darkest moments I've ever had, I hurt my mom...I couldn't forgive myself. It still makes me cry writing this. Huh, this may actually be my way of finally becoming complete with this, didn't know I still needed it.