I'm living my life for me.

For the past 6 weeks or so, I've been struggling with nonstop thinking and being really confused. The funny part is, my thinking hasn't really been about me, it's been about how I am being perceived by other people and why in certain situations I feel insecure. I've tried talking about it with Alice, she was doing her best but it still wasn't resignating with me in a way that I'd get off it. I brought it up to Jill, I didn't like what she had to say, I rebelled against her words as I used to before...an old habit. Calen took a stab at it, relating to a recent breakthrough that he had, but I still wasn't able to apply to my life as I was presently living it. It wasn't until this morning that I had a breakthrough and was able to distinguish between the stories I've been creating from my reality.

Calen and Gina had an amazing interaction this morning, I was really proud of the way he kept himself present in the conversation. It inspired me so much that I acknowledged him for it during the end of our hike at Runyan. As soon as we stopped talking, we had a long silence, while I collected my thoughts and began to apply my observation of him to myself. All of a sudden, I got exactly what was going on and sat with it until we got to the car. We drove away and that's when I looked at Calen and said, "I just had a huge breakthrough thru our last conversation...holy shit!"

My Breakthrough: We talked about how analzying someone or a conversation is nothing more than making judgements. It doesn't help to make things right or make things comfortable when it's happening. Suddenly, a light went on and that's when I realized this has been the source of my insecurities. I've been analyzing my experiences, stories, and comparing them to others, feeling like I live a boring life and have nothing interesting to share. That's absurd! I've already had more life altering experiences at age 29 that a single human being may never endure in a lifetime. There is nothing boring about my life, my experiences are just different, I wouldn't be happy and living it the way I am if it was. I may have not gone to many places or have tried many things, however, I needed to embrace that and turn it into a positive.

After I sat with this for awhile, the excitement began to build. This is the access for me to start creating new experiences for myself and to try all the things I've always wanted to or things I've never even thought of. It's, also, exciting to know that other people have the opportunity to share in my experiences as well, introduce me to the new, keeping those memories forever. That's awesome.

After I came to this realization and shared it with Calen, I immediately got choked up. This breakthrough was so intensely freeing, that I couldn't speak for a moment and had major goosebumps. I felt it was the biggest breakthrough I've had since the forum. I shared it with Gina as soon as I got home, which turned into even more of an enlightenment on how I've been living my life in the past weeks. She shared her observations of me falling back into my old patterns of living in everyone else's heads and not my own. I haven't been living my life for me, I've been living my life for others, which is every reason why I've been struggling with my own self-expression. I'm too concerned with others and how I look and totally disregarding myself, my way of being, and the new experiences I could be creating for myself and how I need to live to be happy. I can't be happy if I'm not being myself, it's time to live my life for me.