Being Vulnerable

Uhhhh...I'm being very present with my sadness, I can't stop crying. Thanks Alice...ha! (She's my SELP coach) No really, she coached me this morning and it went into a direction that I wasn't expecting. It kind of threw me for a loop actually, however I'm very grateful for it. It's a space for me that I don't usually visit, there's too much pain when I do, pain that I am unaware of. Anyway, I took action on it because I thought I got it in the forum, but not in the way that I'm getting it now. I called my ex-girlfriend, Marisa, of three years, a little bit ago. We did the Advanced Course together and I thought I was complete, but apparently I wasn't. I needed her to know I was sorry for being so closed up and never letting her in. It wasn't fair to her how invulnerable I was to our relationship and I needed to complete that. She was surprised but very touched by the conversation. She had to go because of work, but is calling me later to continue our talks. I also called Jill and shared everything that I've been feeling, about my conversation with Marisa and other conversations I've recently had with people I care about.

My fear is to be vulnerable and this is a part of my act. The meaning that I put on vulnerability is that in order for me to be perfect, I "shouldn't" express my feelings because then I won't get hurt (BTW, I'm not speaking of anyone in particular right now. I'm just sharing my past thought process)...even though it causes anxiety more than anything else. I will be perfect because I'm not setting myself up for rejection. I will be perfect because she will see how tough I am and that I don't need her. I will be perfect because I don't have to take that extra effort to place my feelings on the table.

Wow, can we say breakthrough? Thank you Alice, that was an amazing conversation, something that I really had to get to move forward. I've been stuck in the past for the last few weeks and it's time for me to jump back into the moment. I'm creating the possibility of
being self-expressed and that is who I am.