Being my possibility

Tonight was interesting to say the least. Again, I wasn't present to what was going on in the class, which made it difficult to sit there. Marga (Mar-ha), our leader, proceeds to ask if anyone would like coaching on their lack of power in the class. I don't know what got into me, but I immediately raised my hand without even a thought to what I was about to do. She called my name, I knew she would. Marga has had her eye on me since we began the course and it didn't help that Alice was looking right at me too.

I went up to the front, onto the little stage area, and stood still looking at everyone. She was still talking at this point, so I looked at all the familiar faces I knew, Hugo and Luke in Particular. I kept feeling my nerves, they'd go away, then come back again. Marga had me standing up there on purpose, for that length of time, to get me present to the room. After she acknowledged that, I turned to her and said, "Whatever, I'm not present to this at all."

After a couple more minutes, she finished her talks and that's when she looked at me and began the scary questioning. Ha! She asked me questions like, "What are you covering up?", "What are your fears?" , "What do you want?", etc.

We were half way through the questioning and out of nowhere I began to cry. I felt the sadness consume me, I wanted to be self-expressed so badly. But I kept fighting it at the same time, which turned into tears. And although I felt nervous with a few questions and relaxed with others, I was as honest as I possibly could be. I said I was covering up that I wasn't perfect, that I was afraid of not saying the right thing. I said I wasn't for everyone in the room, that I've been checked out the whole time and have not been authentic. I said I wanted to be self-expressed, that I want people to get to know me and not be afraid to let them in. I wanted to be vulnerable and that's exactly what I was being at that very moment. I was being my possibility. YAY!

After reflecting upon what occurred for me tonight, I realize self-expression is everything. In order for me to get what I want, do what I want, and be who I want, it's up to me to get myself there. If I can't be me entirely, nobody will ever be enrolled and registered into the possibilities I create for myself and for my community, to transform our company. This is the whole reason why I signed up for the course. I get it now.