Dear D,

I wanted to be with you more than anything. I sacrificed my life so we could be together. I loved you with all my heart, more than I've ever loved anyone at the time. I loved your attention, I felt safe and happy when you were around. You made me feel beautiful, like there wasn't anyone else who was better. You loved me, I loved you and we both got that. Accepting your proposal wasn't even a question, “Yes, of course I'll marry you.”

Six months before our wedding, I chose to move in. We wanted our lives to be one, it was an easy choice to make. Although we fought a lot, I wanted you to be my husband. I gave up everything, including myself, to make this a possibility. I was blind to all the red flags, that marrying you may not be in my best interest. I didn't want to see that, I wanted to be happy with you. Maybe it was cold feet or we were just stressed out? That's what I was hoping, I was giving us the benefit of the doubt. We were going to get married, whether we felt it was a good idea or not.

The big day is here and I'm a nervous wreck. I lay on the couch, wishing my nervous stomach to go away. You brushed it off like it was no big deal, you went golfing instead of picking up our rings. I was angry, but couldn't say a thing, I didn't want to ruin YOUR mood, we were gonna be married! Thankfully, mom went to pick them up, she saved the moment. I was a stress case, I needed some slack.

We went to the church, where all the girls gathered together. We were dressed and ready, it was time to go. As each lady took their turn down the aisle, my nerves were out of whack. My body was convulsing, I was so damn scared, I hated to be the center of attention, and I subconsciously knew this wasn't a good move.

The ceremony was finally over, it was reception time. I was anxious to spend the evening with you, I was relieved we made a pact to not get drunk. When we arrived to the hotel, everyone was there. The party was just about to get started and I was ready to celebrate that I was now your wife. I didn't expect to lose you in the crowd, I went searching and couldn't find you anywhere. We had to greet each table, with over 300 guests, I wanted you by my side. I looked over and there you were...sloppy drunk, an embarrassment to the night. I think you were probably the drunkest one there, shame on you for making me go to each table by myself. I was in full act, I didn't know what to say, I said you were off with your buddies and I wanted to say hello.

It was time to go, you fell on the lobby floor half naked, you were too drunk to dress yourself. Your friends had to help...thank god I wasn't a witness, I was in the room dressing myself. You passed out as soon as we got in the limo. I looked out the window with tears streaming down, I was angry and really sad that my wedding experience was one of the worst moments in my life. I couldn't even get you out of the limo when we arrived to our hotel, you were so drunk, I had to carry our luggage to our room. After a few hours, I finally got you there, I was exhausted, I couldn't cry anymore.

You woke up the next morning, breathing of pure alcohol, it was disgusting, you didn't remember a thing. We were to leave on our honeymoon cruise, I had to forgive you, there was nothing else to do. The cruise wasn't all that great. You got plastered in Mexico, you turned into a real asshole after I told you countless times to stop drinking liquor. We even fought, on our honeymoon, at that point I knew I made a mistake.

It was the longest year of my whole entire life, I was so lonely and feeling helpless, I couldn't breathe. I tried leaving you a few times, I always found my way back in hopes that you would change. You didn't want to, you were living for yourself, fuck everyone else including your wife. Our fights were ruthless, you didn't care how unimportant I felt to you. You managed to take away my spirit and vulnerability. I was afraid to talk to you and tell you how I felt, for fear you'd ridicule and tell me how stupid I was. There were so many things and so many situations you put me through, without thinking of how it'd affect me...I could go on and on for days. I began to question myself and my ability to live my own life, you affected me that way. I felt regretful and angry that I married you, that I gave up my college years, my life, my independence so we could be together. Yes, it was all out of my doing, but you could've played along with my intentions. Instead, you ignored me, like there was always something better. In fact, when I found out you may be cheating, I immediately became that story. It wasn't until my college graduation day, that it really became a reality. You took the celebration to your friends and left me behind. That moment you stumbled into our room at 4am, I knew it was time for me to go...I had enough and knew I deserved better.

I want you to know that you're negativity and thoughtless acts created a wall around me that I am happy to say are now slowly coming down. Even though, I still struggle with being vulnerable and expressing my feelings, I realize how important it is to have that release. Even though, I still struggle with giving myself completely in a love relationship, I am willing to do my best in the next one that comes around. I lived our married story for far too long, I refuse to live it any longer. I created the space, that I wasn't good enough and now I know that's not true. I know it doesn't sound like a forgiveness letter (this style is against Landmark policy), but I did forgive you awhile back and I really meant it. The incompleteness is that I never got a chance to tell you how I really felt, so if you ever read this, now you know.