My Night

I had my SELP class tonight, I hated every minute of it. It was almost excruciating, I was so NOT present. I was moving around in my chair, I didn't want to participate and anyone who did, my ears closed off to them. I was annoyed by all the conversation, people were being too happy, it actually began to make me mad. Finally, it all stopped and we split up into our groups, phew! Or so I thought...

We get into our groups where Alice is all smiles, she loves her groupies, as we do our coach. The first conversation isn't focused on me, I was happy about that, I was being very crabby. Suddenly, my eyes meet hers and she's asking me a question, there's no where to hide. As I squirmed in my chair, the thought of having to open up in person opposed to on the phone wasn't anything I wanted to do at that moment. Words begin to fall out of my mouth, I'm not even realizing what I'm saying. To sum it up, I told her that I hated being there, the course isn't fun for me, although I've had many breakthroughs, they don't feel good. I said I wouldn't stand up in front of the room, for other people, to participate and motivate, making sure they are where they should be. I shared that I don't want to be self-expressed and I'm not present to anything about the course at all, it just angers me. And, of course, while I'm saying this, I'm fighting back my tears. My bottom lip is shaking uncontrollably and my throat has a HUGE lump in it. I didn't let it go though, no way, no how! I was being very vulnerable with the group, but I couldn't do it for myself. At one point, Alice was digging and while I'm observing her mission to break me, I told her the conversation was making me very uncomfortable and that I'm having a hard time answering her questions.

She kept it all up with good spirits, she made sure I got that I was doing the course right then and there. She made me see that I was beginning to expand into a new realm, one that I keep resisting in my life and to the course. To be honest, my group rocks! I wouldn't have been comfortable to say what I needed to if it wasn't for their listening and open-mindedness. Yay!

Bottom line: I don't want to be self-expressed and that's why I chose to do this course, it's going to be really good for me. Haha, even though I'm kicking and screaming right now, it's already working.