Communication+confrontation= Get me the F outta here!

I've never been so confronted by a Landmark Course as I was this weekend. I walked into the room Saturday morning and instantly felt the anxiety coming on strong. It was so weird because I hadn't experienced this in the first Communication Course: Access to Power. I didn't want to talk to anyone, I was completely shut down. I could actually see the wall I put up so clearly, it was like a fog in front of me, I was so deep in my head. I literally had a 12 hour headache. It wouldn't go away, I was resisting like I've never resisted before. I couldn't relax and I definitely wasn't relating to anyone in the room. Every time the leader said, "Share with your partner," I panicked. I said as little as I could and then focused on the other person, deterring the conversation away from me. I ended up analyzing myself all day long even though I already knew what was going on. Bottom line: I've been resisting vulnerability with new people in my life and I subconsciously brought it into the classroom with me. Perfect.

It was the end of the first night and I was looking forward to go home. I was over it, my head hurt, and I was uncomfortable. I really thought I was done for the evening...until I got home. It's tradition for our household to stay up when one goes through a Landmark Course. Not that it was the intention this time around, but everyone was up...along with a new face...Calen's boy interest. Perfect.

I sat down on the couch and began sharing what I got out of the day. I felt tense at first, knowing he was sitting there and listening to all my inauthentic communication secrets; BUT, it was so good for me at the same time. I began feeling relaxed and in the moment. I actually enjoyed being vulnerable like that, a way I haven't been in a long time outside Landmark, a way that I needed to be in order to push forward. I went to bed feeling great! I was ready for the next day to come.

On Sunday morning, I shared with a few about the breakthrough I had. Unfortunately, it wasn't big enough for something to finally click with me. I felt alone, being the only one who wasn't seeing the benefits of this course. I was just going with the flow of things, not really getting what I was in search of, but staying positive for the next exercise to come. Then it happened! The exercise that made me pop...

We were asked to face our partner, in our chairs, with direct eye contact and our bodies relaxed. Partner A was to say three short sentences about what they got out of the course this weekend. Partner B had to repeat the sentences back, step inside their world by saying where it was coming from, and list any concerns that were heard. I went second. I gave three sentences, they sounded good, but it wasn't anything transformational. We did it a couple times and because we finished early, I chose to make up three more. I didn't think anything would change, even if my sentences were different. I wanted to pass the time by. And, that's when I came up with the three that set in like a ton of bricks. They were:

1. Everyone wants to be in communication.
2. Everyone is afraid.
3. Being fully self-expressed is the clearing to all communication.

I instantly lit up like a popcorn kernel exploding. My partner got that I got it and couldn't believe what she just witnessed. She recreated it by repeating my sentences and said, "You want to be in communication and fully self-expressed, but you're afraid." Even as simple as it was, my walls suddenly disappeared, and I got the course in that moment. I was so excited and extremely relieved. Everything came together from the whole weekend and I felt like a totally different person. It was awesome. So much that people were approaching me left and right, saying how nice it was to "see" me and congratulating me for doing the work. I know it sounds totally weird, but unless you've been where I was and saw how I was being...you could never know. I visually and mentally saw my walls come tumbling down. Seriously, it was a sight to see and I'll never forget it.

Just so you know, this doesn't mean my walls are down for good and they never will be. It's all about having the tools, the courage, and the will to use them in every opportunity I get. I am committed to it whole-heartedly. YAY!