Another Breakthrough

Not only was this week a real eye opener to how I've been in my love relationships, how being vulnerable was never my strong suit, I've also been exposed to my true fear of people. During the Advanced Course, there was an exercise where we had to stand face to face in front of someone and look into their eyes for several minutes. I cried when I did it. I never got why I did, I thought it was because of my unfair judgements I'd place on people in the past. I was feeling sorry for it. I don't think it was that at all anymore, not after my breakthroughs this week. I cried because I was afraid of the woman standing in front of me. I wasn't afraid that she'd hurt me or anything of the sort, I was afraid to let her in, it was difficult to keep that eye contact.

This week, I've had a few occurrences with people, people I've known, people I've always been comfortable with. Yet, my "separation anxiety" caused my nerves to go bonkers when I was meeting with them. I've never felt this before, I was scared to be there, telling them what I've been up to, what's been going on in my life. I was even scared to talk to the people in my LANDMARK group last Monday. You know the place where there aren't judgements and we're all there for one another. It was weird, I really struggled for a few days with this. I didn't know it was fear, so I thought I was going crazy, like my act was completely consuming me.

Up until yesterday morning, after I had my chat with Gina, I realized my behavior has all been fear based. I feel relieved now knowing it, I was even able to talk about it to Josh last night. I always felt like I was confident with people, especially ones that I first meet, but that was because I was never in touch with myself the way that I am now. All of those feelings and emotions, I'm very present to and I'm thankful because that's the access to my personal growth. This is how I will be transformed, this is how I will gain knowledge to live my life powerfully and accepting of everything and everyone around me.