Affected

I woke up this morning, realizing how stories can make or break you. I knew that from the forum, but up until recently, I REALLY get that. I had some negative experiences during my marriage, it completely closed me off. Yes, this is a topic for me that I can't stop reflecting upon, because it really messed with me, my way of thinking, and how I would conduct myself. I just spoke to my dad about it, telling him not to be alarmed about reading this, that D was coming up again. I joked around and said, "Wow, that time in my life really f**ed me up, I never knew how much." He replied that he knew, that it was me who was being resistant to the known. Of course I resisted it, I was hellbent on him not affecting me anymore as soon as I moved to California 6 years ago. I had enough, so instead of dealing with those emotions, I shelved them; which then manifested into me being emotionally cut-off in my love relationships. It wasn't that I wasn't emotional or didn't have feelings, it was that things wouldn't affect me the way they affected others...I thought I was being strong. Hehe. For instance, I rarely ever got upset in my relationships, as if I didn't care enough. They'd get mad at me, that's for sure, and rightfully so. I wouldn't meet them half way, I'd expect them to come to me because I wasn't about to "chase" again. I didn't want to be vulnerable in their eyes, I was too strong for that and when I saw them being vulnerable, I considered that a weakness and would be turned off. WOW! Yeah, I just wrote that. It's honestly how I used to think though. I don't anymore, by any means. In fact, I'm touched when vulnerability is being present. I see it as strength, a possibility I'm creating for myself from this day forward.