Compliments

I just got home from my SELP workday. It was awesome! I really get this course now and I'm totally onboard. Well, maybe not totally...I'm still resisting, but the intent is definitely there. There was something that showed up for me, something I already knew, but was totally confronted by today. I never realized how hard it is for me to take a compliment, to be acknowledged for something I do, or did, or someone I am to other people.

My Story: Our groups went to dinner together. My group consists of Alice, Luke, Delia, and Bruno and I can honestly say I have mad love for these people. They are awesome and a big reason why I'm getting this course the way I am now. Anyway, Alice said something about how it's a consensus among all the coaches, that our group is the powerhouse of the course. I looked at her immediately and said, "Yeah, I'm sure all of you coaches say that to their groups." Ewwww, bad thing to say. Delia looked at me like I just got myself into some trouble...and I did. HA! She laughed and said what she needed to say and I observed her and the rest, knowing how I just put my foot in my mouth. And, that's when Alice chimed in. She looked at me like there was no escape. I locked my eyes with hers, in order for the moment to end, and that's when she went for the kill...I mean acknowledgement. She said the nicest, most genuine thoughts she had about me and I couldn't sit still through it. I fought with everything I had to not look away, to not laugh out of embarrassment, to not say anything negative to refute it, and to not make it a lesser sentiment than what it was. Delia and Luke both called me out on it afterwards. They saw how I struggeld in my chair, taking in all the positivity that Alice was acknowledging me for. I didn't know what to do. I actually called Gina on my way home to talk about it. She confirmed the fact that I don't take compliments well, I do resist and it's something I've not been fully aware of. She asked what I was feeling in the moment Alice was being straight forward with me and I told her I felt overwhelmed, that there was no space created to absorb what I am to her and others. I was uncomfortable, I was in a space where I didn't know whether I could laugh or cry, it was confusing.

Whoa. This course is crazy and I get why I chose to be in it. I've had breakthroughs like never before and I'm being in touch with myself like I never thought possible. The Forum and the Advanced Course were two significant parts to my life transformation, but SELP is really putting me into action in ways that I've resisted throughout my whole life. I never thought I'd ever be in the space that I am right now. Even though I have a love-hate relationship with it all, I'm confronting a fear that never occurred to me...ME being self-expressed.