My Victim Story

I was born a victim. The moment I began my life, I had to have surgery and almost died. Of course, everyone around me would cater to all my needs. I grew up with that mentality, nobody's fault but my own. I liked having that cushion, the one that kept me safe and secure, the one that didn't make me do things on my own. It was easy and I could always get away with it. It wasn't until my senior year in high school that made it even more so then ever.

Another surgery, here we go. I never dreamed this would happen, but it did. I wasn't scared, not sure why. Maybe it was because I was young and didn't really understand. I felt indestructible, that mindset we all know. Being in the hospital for three weeks really broke me down. I wanted nothing more than to come home and leave that place. So much pain to be had, so many tears to be shed. Finally, the nightmare was over and I was free to go home. I was in a weakened state. I couldn't do much on my own. I was coddled like a little baby, the victim was now in play.

From that moment on, it was hard to deal with situations all the way through. It was easier to give up because I had nothing to lose. Everybody had my back, after all, I was the girl with the unfortunate circumstances. So much worrying to be had, but it wasn't coming from me. Nope, I just went with the flow and let everyone do the dirty work for me. I became selfish in that way, expecting things I didn't deserve. I didn't like that person, but it was the only thing I knew. I'd be overly sensitive to criticism and if things weren't going my way. I didn't know how to deal with the real world, I hid almost my whole life. It wasn't until I came to California that I started to open my eyes and see things for what they were.

After 4 years of being out here, I still couldn't grow into an adult. I had too many stories, too many meanings, too many failures as I saw them to be. I felt incapable of life, I was depressed for most of the time. My last relationship was going terribly and that's when I found out I had to have surgery again. We broke up, not to anyone's fault. We didn't know how to handle each other anymore, too much pain and suffering going on. The doctor called me and gave me the news, a hysterectomy was now the procedure. Two months of waiting, finally it was here. My parents flew out and I was feeling numb. That following Monday, I went in. Little did I know, my surgery would be 6 hours long. I woke up to my mom's face, it was like a dream that will always stay with me. I was in the hospital for a whole month, kicking and screaming, a terrified little girl. My hormones were wacky and I didn't know how to cope. I hated my life, it sucked and I wanted to go home. When I did, I was angry for a long time after, trying to survive as I always knew best. I was a full blown victim, a little girl who needed help all the time. Life was too hard, I couldn't take the lead.

Two years passed, and I was still in a rut. Landmark was my last hope, and I grabbed it with everything I had. I wanted out of this space, it was keeping me from life. Thankfully, I knew it wasn't okay to be unhappy, otherwise, I don't know where I would've ended up. I entered the Landmark Forum in February. I went through the whole weekend by myself, discovering who I am and who I wasn't. That following Monday, I really got it! I grew up over the course of a weekend, I was finally an adult at age 29.