Living a Life of Resistance

Apparently, I have a lot to write about these days. Another breakthrough that came out of this week is how I've been resisting my whole life. I resist my thoughts, feelings, emotions, my inner responsibilities, and anything else that I didn't want to confront or make my own. I would create so much anxiety around it, not choosing what was so, and literally battle myself into a whirlwind. For example, I'll be sad, resist the feeling, and then find myself stuck with all these emotions and no outlet to release them. I'll be extremely excited, I'll resist, and then it's me thinking it's nerves, instead of something positive, something that I actually deserve. Or, I'll be completely smitten over someone, resist it, and then shut down where they can't even see a doorway in. Another example would be someone telling me something I don't want to hear. I'll resist it, do it anyway, and then later come back beating myself up for making the choice I did. Or, things WILL go my way, but later realizing I wasn't doing it for myself...which totally defeats the purpose. My life has been full of resistance and because I acknowledge it now, I've been able to be more accepting, which has made freedom a possibility for me, my life, and for the people I love. For the first time in months, I really get my tools and I'm not afraid to use them.