I finished!

I completed the Landmark Education Curriculum last night. It was my final class for the Self-Expression Leadership Program, as a participant, and I'm totally stoked that I stuck with it and didn't quit. Admittedly, there was a time that I was confronted by this course, I almost dropped out because of the walls and resistance I created so I wouldn't have to participate. I disliked being there, it was torture for me. I felt it was too hard to be self-expressed, too forced for it to be a natural way of being even though I was the most emotional I've ever been. I had SO many breakdowns and breakthroughs, it unknowingly enabled me to get off my stories once and for all. I fought with everything I had to stay in my little bubble, to stay within my comfort zone, to only love selectively, the only way I knew how. It wasn't until last week that I finally got what I've been in search of for the past 3 1/2 months during my SELP Course. That's how Landmark works, it always comes together in the very end.

What I got from this course is my life and how I impact others. Every coach, every participant had a certain listening for me and gave me the access to step into that role. Although, I learned a lot about myself and the tools I needed to live powerfully from the Forum, it wasn't enough to move forward because I still wasn't living those shelved emotions that I refused my whole life. Although, I learned my act of "not being good enough" in my Advanced Course, it didn't give me the ability to apply what I learned, in order to see who I really am. My lack of self-expression wasn't allowing me to live my possibilities, to love and accept myself, and to be for other people. Now, I really get it. I get that I am powerful, a leader, an inspiration to others who want to live happily and freely. I get that I can do and be anything I want, by just loving myself and creating a community where love and affinity are present. I get that self-expression IS communication of which unconditional love is a natural way of being. I get that unless I'm fully self-expressed in this world, I will never make a difference for the people in my life and the others that need inspiration to move forward in their lives to live a life that they love. This education is transformation for peace and fulfillment on this earth and I will forever take a stand for everyone to participate.

We're here!

Casey, Me, Carrie, Chris, Jill

Kiss me...I'm scared!

It's time to practice!

I've been dreaming about this day....literally. For the past couple nights, I've had at least one dream of jumping out of a plane. I began getting nervous about it a couple days ago, not knowing what I just got myself into. I would definitely say it's all apart of the fun, excitement, and thrill of skydiving!

It's time to go!

OH SHIT!

Keep me alive please...

JIIILLLLLLLLL! She was here a minute ago.

Seriously, I don't want to do this anymore.

AHHHHHHHH!

Whoa. I'm flying and going REALLY fast!

This rocks!

Oooh....pretty!

That was the most amazing experience I've ever had! I was SO scared, but once my instructor literally pushed us out the door, it was AWESOME! Ohhhh...so this is what life is about. FUN!
What's next?!?

JUMP!

Today is the day! Me, Jill, Carrie, Chris, and Casey are all jumping out of a plane today. I am very excited, but even more scared...I guess that's the whole point! I have no idea what I got myself into but I'm ready for this crazy challenge and I'll have pictures to prove it. Oh shit....here we go!

Safe Landing!

Jill and Carrie just signed up to go skydiving with us this Sunday. I'm SO excited! This is going to be kick ass and really fucking scary. This is good for me, it's not only a new experience that I get to add to my list...I will be facing fear head on! I already told my parents so now I don't have to hide when we do it. Only 4 more days until life gets a bit more interesting...ahhhhh!

I'm sleepy!

Emmitt and I are in Ohio, we got in this morning at 6:50. We hung out with the animals when we got home. Emmitt chased the goats, barked at the alpaca's, and ran away from the horses...I think he's a little freaked out. Poor baby!

Max, Ava, and Leo are all adorable as ever. I love that I'm with them right now, they haven't been shy around me at all...yay!

Tomorrow night, we're having people over for drinks. I love drinking with my family and friends here...we always have a blast!

I guess that's all I have to report right now. If I think of more, I'll be back...

I did it!

I got up and went to the gym this morning and now just got back from Runyan. YAY! I'm ready to get back into shape, tone up again, and be a healthy little lady so I can do EVERYTHING I want to do and play as much as I want to play; now that I'm on a mission to step outside of my comfort zone as much as possible. Woo hoo!

Awwww!

I'm going to Ohio on Sunday for a couple days. It's been awhile since I've spent time with my family and there's 3 little babies I can't wait to see! Max, Ava, and Leo are all growing up so fast, it's hard to be away...

29

Just to let you in on the joke: everyone is an animal and it's usually not one you would expect. Calen is a giraffe and Jill made it so...ha!

It's Calen's 29th birthday tomorrow, which means the next few days are going to be fun, fun, fun! Happy Birthday Calen! It's time for a giraffe celebration!

Back to the gym

This is me working out. I can see it now...

I've put off the gym long enough! Tomorrow, I am getting up at 5 am to jump start my new workout plan. My integrity is at stake here, I'm 30 and not getting any younger, and I feel like shit. It's time to take action, so here I go!

Adorable!

Jill and Calen

Skydiving!

We're making arrangements to jump out of a plane today, it will be within a few weeks. I know this makes some of you nervous, so I won't tell you when we're doing it, I'll just tell you where. Lake Elsinore is the place and it's only about an hour or so away from us. It's supposed to the best in the country and no worries...this will be a tandem jump. Okay, I'm a little nervous...I'll definitely report back after my safe landing;)

A Wordless World

Can you imagine a world without words? We'd all live in silence, going about our business, not worrying about what others are thinking or saying. We wouldn't have the limits that we put on ourselves, we'd keep going and going because opinions and judgments wouldn't exist anymore. Language is a powerful tool, it can work for or against us. It can either make our wildest dreams come true or it could put major restraints on our lives by just one moment. That's why it's so important to learn the Landmark language, everything is about the context that something is in. For example, if I said, "This is so annoying, I don't want to do this.", I lose my power in the situation, it becomes a drag, and it possibly won't get done. If I said, "This is just apart of the game, I'm ready!", most likely, it'll get done easier, quicker, and our confidence level will boost. It's the same thing where people are concerned. If I look at someone and think, "I hate this person, I don't want to be around them.", that would disempower me and I'd probably have a terrible day. If I said, "It is what it is and I accept them for who they are.", this would empower me to get through the day and leave me feeling good about what was accomplished.

Langauage can make or break us, that's how we know it's not real, but it is in the world we live so it's up to us to be responsible for what comes out of our mouths. I mean, think of it like this: George Bush and his administration used the words "Saddam", "terrorists", and "9/11" in the same context so many times that 1/3 of Americans STILL believe they are all connected, even when he recently admitted they had nothing to do with one another. Furthermore, many Republicans are now backtracking statements they had made in the past because they weren't being responsible with their words either. If their words were real and a significant part of who we are, than they wouldn't have to defend themselves and we would never have to question. If everyone used positive language and took responsibility for it, our world would be a peaceful place and dreams could actually come true. Who wouldn't want that for our lives? For our children? For our country that we're supposedly free in? Learn the language to make a difference, that's why Landmark is here and that's why I feel so strongly about this education. It's life changing and I want everyone to be apart of it.

We're fun!

Today is the first day of Calen's birthday week. We surprised him with brunch at the Getty and then Mountain biking in Malibu. The food was SO good and the biking kicked our ass! We're going to be sore tomorrow for sure. It was a perfect day, I've never done either and it's two things Calen loves. YAY!

A New Kind of Life

Chris, Me, Iris, Yuri

I'm reading this really great book, No Opportunity Wasted, that Stacie got us for our 30th birthday. It couldn't be anymore appropriate for this time in my life. After only reading the first two chapters, I'm feeling this energy surge, I want to begin living my life NOW! So, then my friend Chris calls, we used to teach together. He's one of those guys that literally lives in the moment, always doing something fun and different. We started our conversation off by talking about what I've been reading and how he should be my adventure buddy. He agreed! He has nine weeks off of school starting today, so he is just as available as I...couldn't be more perfect. For starters, we're thinking of skydiving...I'm going to take the initiative and start researching places for here in California. Yay! I'm terrified , yet so excited! Woo hoo, let the experiences begin!

Eye Contact- is it flirting?

Before Landmark, I never thought of eye contact being as significant as it is with other people. Eye contact is really the gateway to letting people in and I learned that through the Advanced Course. It wasn't until this past weekend that I was confronted by it...twice. Now I realize how meaningful eye contact can be...hidden messages if you will. For instance, there's the "Look at me, so I can say hi.","I'm really pissed off", "Will you help me?", "I'm being serious.", "I'm listening.", "I'm interested in you." "I love you", and...I'm sure there's others, but that's all I have for now.

My Story #1:
I was sitting next to this woman, a very pretty one I might add, and we began to small talk. She was asking me questions and the "ex-girlfriend" topic came up. She was immediately intrigued and asked, "You mean a dating girlfriend?" I confirmed it and went on with my story. As I was talking, she had mad eye contact with me. It made me a little nervous, only because I can be shy in those moments. Why am I shy you ask? Well, when someone knows I'm gay and I'm not sure if they are, I don't want them to think I like them for fear of rejection. Hehe. It's stupid, I know; but ever since I became so aware of myself and the way I interact with other women, I can't help but notice how hard it is for me to keep the contact going, especially when the conversation is over and she is STILL looking at me. HAHA! Do I look away? Or do I keep the intensity going? I kept it going, but man was it tough; after all, I was letting her in. I couldn't help but wonder what her intent was, why was she so persistent in connecting with me like this? I didn't want to assume she was gay nor did I want to think she was even interested, so I embraced the fact that we were just having a nice conversation. Then all of a sudden, as she's hellbent on not letting me off the eye hook, she asks me a question, thinking that I said something I didn't. She caught herself and laughed, "OMG! You didn't say that did you? I so wasn't listening." It caught me off-guard, almost as if she was entranced in my eyes, she couldn't hear me. It was hilarious! And then, as we were parting, she says with that deep eye contact, "You have a really great laugh." And, looked at me as she walked away. Okay, now what did she mean? What message did she have for me? Is my gaydar really that bad that I couldn't tell? Haha! Luckily, I will be seeing her again so I guess I'll find out then.

My Story #2:
On Sunday night, another instance occurred with another woman...she was a cutie too. We were talking about Landmark, what we've done with it so far, and how we were introduced to this yummy education. She had crazy eye contact with me as well, especially after I told her it was my ex-girlfriend who introduced me. It made me nervous. Do I keep looking? Or do I stop this now? Is she gay and interested? Or am I just being extremely self-absorbed? Ha! I didn't know so I kept it going. I asked her if she has seen "What Is The Secret?" and she answered no. I said I'd email her a link and we exchanged cards. She was then intrigued by my "Accoyo!" card and we began talking about it. I told her I was on the web site and she said, "I'm definitely going to check it out then." Again, I was caught off-guard. What did that mean? And why does she keep looking at me like that? As we were leaving, she walked away with the same intense stare and said, "I look forward to your email." Uhhh...what just happened?

Haha, I'm so retarded, it makes me laugh. Am I really that unaware of what's going on or am I being a big wimp to acknowledge it? I dunno, but it's funny.

30

I'm 30 and loving it! It's not that I've made any significant changes in my life now that I'm 30, it's that I changed my perception on what I want my 30s to look like. This is a decade where I will be unstoppable, doing all the things I want to do, and not letting my fear stop me. I'm ready for all the challenges I will take on in order for me to be successful. So far, I've been rockin it. I started out with a New York trip where I was standing for what I believe in, I've been in communication in ways I never imagined, I took on a leadership role where I felt the power I've been cheating myself out of all these years, and I'm doing exactly what I want to be doing everyday. I'm really at a point of knowing who I am and embracing every aspect of my life. I fully appreciate what I have and what actions I need to take to get where I want to be. There's so much more to what I'm feeling right now, I'm just happy...life is good.