This Weekend

Jill and I just dropped Kristen off at Landmark. It was like seeing our little baby off for the first day of school. I felt a little emotional....happy, excited, sad, and anxious all at the same time. It's like that when a loved one goes through. You want them to get as much out of it as possible and if that happens, sometimes it'll be an ass kicking and that's where my emotions are coming from. I know what it feels like, so I know what could be in store for her. Not saying it always has to be about tears and sadness to get those life changing breakthroughs, but it's definitely a possibility. So yeah, I'm all over the place right now...meaning this will probably be another Landmark Forum experience for me as well. It happens EVERY TIME over these weekends. If Kristen has a big breakthrough, most likely I'll have one too. It's just how it goes...

Awwwww....Krissy is all grown up;) Hehe.

Your turn sis!

Kristen, my older sister, is flying in this evening to do the Landmark Forum this weekend. We're all very excited as I said in a previous post. I'm curious to see what it will hold for her and what she'll get out of it. I don't have any expectations, you can't when one goes through. After all, everyone's experience is different, people dive in more than others, and stories are never the same. I'm just looking forward to having our traditional Landmark conversations every night. Those are the best and especially now since it'll be sharing we've probably never had before. FUN!

A Perfect Sunday

Sunday was a wild and very fun day. Calen and I stopped in at the Abbey for a drink after we were finished running our errands. It was a nice day out and since we had no plans for the evening we thought,"What the hell?" It's funny, both of us get really shy when it's just us two in a gay bar. It's silly because we both know how easy it is for us to make friends, but if it's us who has to make the first move...forget it. Fear of rejection I'm sure. Anyway, we ended up knowing a few people there, so an automatic group formed and that's when the alcohol took over the afternoon. HA! We were having so much fun talking to randoms, dancing a little here and there, and just making each other laugh.

As the evening approached, we all came to a consensus that we weren't ready for the Sunday bar excursion to be over so that's when we walked over to Here for some dancing. We stayed there for a bit, drank more, and danced to get our wiggles out. Calen and I were with two other people at this point. Unfortunately, they had to go home and that's when a text message from two of our other friends was received. They wanted us to meet them for a late night dinner at 10. We were all about it so to pass time we went and checked out Eleven, a bar that just opened that I haven't had the opportunity to check out yet. It was great! We sat at the bar and talked to everyone who was sitting there too. We were making instant friends, having great conversation, and getting more drunk as the night when on.

10 o'clock arrived and it was time for dinner. Calen and I took a cab to Basix and met our friends for some yummy dinner. We were pretty drunk at this time, but still able to socialize properly...hehe. When we finished, our friends dropped us off at East West to continue our night of spontaneity and fun. We made friends with everyone who were sitting at the bar, which turned into a pizza party after they ordered a bunch from Domino's. It was hilarious and so random. We finally got home around 3 a.m. to call it a night. I'm so glad we did it and there wasn't a single plan made all day long...it was all on a whim and totally unexpected. Being spontaneous IS fun...more of that please!

Here we go again!

Recently, I've been having a bit of writer's block. I know I've written about this quite a few times before, so I guess it's that time again. I can tell you how much I've been enjoying my time off from Landmark. Maybe that's it. Maybe I'm not analyzing myself so much anymore and I don't even realize it. I have been feeling much more relaxed and also having breakthroughs that seemed impossible to me before. Being vulnerable hasn't been an issue, my communication is better than ever, and my personal life, along with the people around me has hit another beginning of a new and exciting growth period. I must say that life is pretty good right now and things are really starting to fall in place. Wow, I can feel it by just writing this...

I haven't been writing due to...

Some personal things going on for the past two weeks and I'm getting over my head cold that I've had for 3 days now. I'm finally feeling better in all areas:) YAY!

My New Act

My parents and Torri did the Advanced Course together last weekend, it kind of just happened like that. Thankfully, it was very successful. They all got a ton out of it and really got where I've been coming from with all this Landmark stuff. So much that my parents, Jill, and Gina declared together on Wednesday, while I wasn't there, that my act of "I'm not good enough" isn't my act at all. They came to a consensus that my act is "You're not the boss of me." HA! It TOTALLY fits in fact, it's still a running joke with my parents at home. They actually say it to each other when they're being funny because that's what I used to say growing up. Apparently, I was a stubborn one, not letting anyone tell me what to do and if they did, I'd do the exact opposite...pretty much the way I still live my life. Hehe. Gina told me they came up with a bunch of examples of this, I'm sure I can come up with a few myself but one word comes to mind when I think of this and it's resistance. I wrote about it before, I resist everything and that's where this act comes to play...

You don't think I should marry him? You're not the boss of me, watch! You think you can treat me like that? You're not the boss of me, I'm moving to California! You think you can put me to sleep with mass amounts of IV Ativan? You're not the boss of me, I won't sleep for two weeks! You don't think I should date her? You're not the boss of me, now I like her even more. You don't think Landmark will work? You're not the boss of me, I'm going to turn into a pretty butterfly! You want me to be like this as a coach? You're not the boss of me, I'll do it the way I want and I'll let everyone know about it! HA! Yep, this is my act, I couldn't agree more...

Nice work family!

The Do It Anyway Game

I started playing a game with myself that I used to do in the beginning of my transformation. Anytime I want to get something done or go somewhere, if my head is making excuses to get out of it, I'll do it anyway. It's my own mental challenge and it actually ends up being fun. It's like telling my mind, "I'll show you and I'll win!" I found that when I make it a game, I'm much more productive and it creates new opportunities for me to practice the things I need to further my growth. Examples of this are running those annoying errands I make excuses not to or being in social settings I avoid at all costs even though I really want to be there. The minute I start talking myself out of things, I'll acknowledge it and do the exact opposite. It's powerful because the distinction between the mind and what's so becomes very clear. All those inner talks mean nothing and have nothing to do with reality and what I'm capable of. I'll admit it's definitely something to get used to, but when you do...it becomes second nature and your belief system of yourself becomes very positive. Why did I quit then you ask? Well, my mind took over and sometimes that will happen. The most important thing to know is you can always start again because every day is a new day. I did and these past few weeks have been incredible as far as my integrity goes. It really is a powerful way to be and I'm going to keep on playing and I invite you all to play too:)

A Ridiculously Easy Day

I'm subbing today at one of my favorite schools and all but 5 of my 31 5th grade students are out of the room, taking a 2 hour long english test. Talk about an easy day! Not only is that happening right now, but lunch today is for 35 minutes, AND it's early dismissal due to district wide professional development meetings that are held every Tuesday. Yep, the kids leave at 1:15 and I pretty much get to do what I want until 2:15, when school is over. It actually couldn't have worked out any better. I am only running on about 3 1/2 hours of sleep, due to a late night and good company. Seriously, subbing couldn't be anymore perfect today and not to mention what big sweeties these kids are:)

Sunday Night

I joined Marisa and Daniella for an evening at the Falcon, a bar that shows the L Word every Sunday night. A friend I haven't seen in awhile rented out a private room for all of us ladies to watch and mingle at the same time. It was super cool because I haven't been out in lesbian land for quite some time now, which has been intentional of course. Hehe. It's true, anytime I'd go out it'd be with my gay guy friends instead of throwing myself into a room full of new possibility and opportunity. Hmmm...what do I mean by that? Well, if you pointed me in the direction of a lesbian bar, I would walk the opposite way saying, "No thanks. Maybe next time." In fact, the last few times I've been in one was not because I wanted to go; but my friends dragged me there due to their love of the lady atmosphere. I'm so weird about this stuff and I totally call myself out on it constantly. I'm just glad I broke out of my shell finally because it hasn't always been like this for me. I used to be a little social butterfly, watching the "view" as I sip my beer. I could talk to anyone and really just have a good time, uncaring of how I was being in the moment. I'm not sure when that changed, it's definitely been in the last year. Thankfully, I saw what I've been missing...the relatedness and connection between gay women and I'm ready to have that again. After all, having lesbian friends is really fun, it's unique in its own way. Well...it is for me anyway;)

A New Challenge

From this day forward, I am decreasing the time I spend on the internet if it's not work related. I came to a conclusion this weekend that I literally live in my computer, which has kept me in hiding, avoiding any type of possible connection with the outside world. Yep, it makes me feel pretty silly saying so, but whatever because now I know what to do next and I'm always open to learning a new lesson. It's all a part of my growth process, to take responsibility and put it into action. My challenge here is: Get off the damn computer and go be with people! I heard it loud and clear:)

YAY!

My parents are in the Advanced Course right now. Hehe...I can't wait to hear ALL about it;)

Cute!

Subbing

I had my first experience of a Los Angeles high school today. I'm not subbing in an upper grade class, it just so happens that grades k-12 are on the same campus. It was really strange to walk through the halls, I haven't been back in a high school for years and now I know why I chose NOT to sub for the older kids...I'm really tiny compared to them. Seriously, they towered over me, I felt like I was the kid. Me intimidating? Now way! I mean what would I say? "Hi, I'm Ms Bowers and although I look small, I can be really mean and scary. So, you better watch out or I'll...I'll...tell your teacher on you!" Hehe. Yeah, the thought of being a teacher in an upper grade class sounds like a terrible idea, therefore, elementary it is:)

It's time to be healthy!

I'm going on a health kick starting today. I've been feeling like shit because of my lack of exercise, eating whatever I want, and just really not taking care myself as I usually do. Today, I am switching my eating habits to a more healthy plan and then going to the sporting goods store to buy a knee brace...the reason why I haven't been working out. It's time for me to take control of this part of my life because I do love it when I'm into it. The times I've always felt the best was when I'm working out and eating right. I want to feel that again. I want to feel that I can physically do anything without question or concern. I want to feel strong and energized, the way I used to and not so fragile like I feel right now. I owe it to myself to be the best I can be and that includes my body. From here on out, I'm taking this challenge on and ignoring those little voices that tell me not to. I'm going to make a game of it and I'm going to win dammit!

YAY KRISTEN!

My wonderful older sister Kristen signed up for the Forum and will be flying to LA at the end of this month to complete it. It's so great! She'll be coming home to us every night to talk about what she got during her long days of "self" boot camp. It couldn't be anymore perfect because the four of us have found that the REAL Landmark doesn't occur until we're surrounded by our loved ones and are given the opportunity to share with one another. We all popped this way. As I said before, transformation only occurs in language so in order to believe and live by what is learned, we have to share and thankfully Kristen will be doing that with us. My household is very skilled in this area now so as long as a participant is willing...we can listen, share, and coach anyone to really get what the Landmark Forum is about. I'm very excited for her and I have no doubt that she's going to kick some ass! WOOHOO!

Let's go!

It was my last night of being a coach in the Self-Expression Leadership Program and I am so happy to finally reach the end. My participants were rock stars all the way through and I can't begin to tell you how proud I was to be their coach. Acknowledged by Doris and the coaching team, my group was looked at as the powerhouse. They lead the class every week along with their own lives outside of Landmark. I was really present to each and everyone of their transformations. They got so much out of doing this course, it was truly amazing to watch them grow into individuals along with being community leaders. They really stepped up to the plate and I truly feel honored to be a part of what they accomplished. That alone was worth all the time and energy I gave to this 4 month long course. It was me being for other people and really getting how to be a stand for others and their lives.

After all the participants left, we had our last coaching meeting. Doris turned to me and said, "I have something to say to you. You are a natural leader, you've done miracles with your group, and I want you to consider being a head coach for another course." Although, it was very flattering, to be acknowledged like that in front of everyone, I declined. I told her it's time for me to take a breather, but thanked her for saying what she did. It felt really great to finally say, "Okay guys. I'm finished and I'm going to live my life for me now." As I mentioned before, I will definitely be doing future courses in Landmark, but not at this moment. I feel like a free bird ready to take on life as I know it, as I want it, and as the possibilities I will continue to create for myself. Anything is possible and I really get that now. YAY!

JILL WON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yep, that's right! Jill won the L Word T-shirt contest and now she gets to claim her prize: An all expense paid vacation to Los Angeles (hehe...she lives here), where she gets to stay in a luxury hotel for two nights and three days. She'll be driven around town on a $500 shopping spree with Honey Labrador and will also pocket $500 in cash. Oh and the best part is the T-shirts will be sold in all the Showtime stores and online as well. YAY! YAY! YAY!