Making Time

In the last year, I've tried to make some relationships happen, whether it is a new friendship or dating. It seemed there were a lot of time issues...meaning they were too busy to meet up, have coffee or just hang out. We'd talk on the phone, email, instant message, and that was the extent of it. After many attempts to connect, it occurred to me that maybe these relationships weren't meant to happen. It's always been easy for ME to have a successful relationship, busy or not and if someone can't make the time then I'm more of an option rather than a priority. I feel if someone is worth the effort, time would make itself and it just wasn't happening. I don't want that in my life. It doesn't make me feel good, making assumptions becomes apart of the relationship, and I'm left feeling insecure...like I'm not good enough. Blahhh! Who would want that? Not me. That's why I stopped caring, realizing that the only people I want in my life are the ones who want ME in their lives. Otherwise, it's a wasted relationship that doesn't do anybody any good.

Challenge #8- Success!

I just got back from my last hike of challenge #8! Quinn, Emmitt, and I enjoyed our morning at Runyan and now the dogs will sleep all day and I can go play!

I follow politics.

This whole blog is about me and I had this whole racket about how I didn't want to mention politics at all. I felt that it wasn't necessary because it may deter readers from reading it or offending others. Well, if that is the truth, then people aren't being real. They are following and living in somebody else's opinion. If they were real about politics, they could open their eyes and see what a mess our world is. They could acknowledge that something isn't right and in order to fix the problem, they would keep an open mind. They could step up to the challenge to make our country right by being aware of how our government is running. They could put party names aside and unite as a country rather than a high school popularity contest. They would have the power to say, "I made a mistake. What can we do to fix this?"

Challenge #7- Success!

Tomorrow was going to be my last day to complete challenge #7, which was taxes and inventory. I stayed home this evening, knowing that I wanted to hang out with my gal pals for some Sunday fun. I didn't even think twice, printed out our inventory lists, and went right to work. It was a cool feeling. Now I'm finished and I get to play! Challenge #7- Success!

Two hikes down, one to go!

We went this morning and it was great! I will be doing my last hike tomorrow to complete my challenge.

Old Navy

I'm going to be gone for most of the day. Emmitt is going to try out for an "Old Navy" commercial. I have no idea what it will entail, but we're going for it anyway. Woohoo! I'll let you know how it goes...

Our Friend

Carrie is awesome. She's one of those people that can put you in a good mood when you're down. She loves us. She'll do anything to help us out, take care of the dogs, and make sure we're always laughing. She does this because we do the same for her. We love Carrie and support everything she does. She's walking talent...we're lucky we found her first.

Woohoo!

I bought a new Dell laptop online. It's a nice one! I am so excited...I'm never going to leave my house now. Sorry everyone...if you want to see me, you're going to have to come over. Oh, and don't forget your laptops!

Woof!

Jill is an amazing dog trainer and I'm not saying that because she's my sister. Her clients fall in love with her. She's made many friends through dog training because she's passionate about what she does and she truly cares. One day, she started Thankdog! and she's been busy training dogs ever since. We're A LOT alike. She likes to blog too and is out to make a difference in the dog world.

Making Dreams A Reality

I had the privilege to watch my friend, Julie Neumark, rehearse last night. It was really cool. I've mentioned how my friends and I are particular about who we welcome into our little circle because we like to surround ourselves with people who will grow and inspire us. Julie inspires me. I say this because she's someone who knows what she wants and there is nothing that will stop her from getting it. I knew this before, I've seen her perform, but watching her last night rehearsing told me a different story. She has a dream and she's not afraid to chase it. She's passionate about her music, her band, and doesn't take for granted the free time she has to make her dream come true. It is free time...she doesn't get paid for it, in fact she has to pay for the rehearsal room herself. She has discipline and it doesn't seem hard for her to commit to it. She's found her passion, her love, and her talent. If we find what she has, I'm sure we'll be just as unstoppable. It's just a matter of knowing where to look.

One hike down, two to go!

Me, Jill, Riley, Quinn, and Emmitt went for my first hike this week today. The weather was perfect!

Laptop

Now my "Enter " key is falling off along with my "Caps Lock" and the Quote/Apostrophe key. This means I may have to invest in a new computer...that sucks!

I am creating the possibility that money will come to me for my purchase of a new laptop. I'm waiting...

Friday's Open Book

Share away...

My "To Do" List

I'm going hiking, starting phase 2 of Emmitt's training, and working on Accoyo! today. A whole lot to do but for some reason, I'm looking forward to it all. Productivity will be the builder of my confidence level. If I get things done, I will prove to myself that I'm not a failure and being inactive is not apart of my story any longer.

Rackets! Rackets! Rackets!

Man, what a weird mood I'm in. I was feeling good and then I got home and suddenly felt anxious, stressed out and fearful. I started thinking, "What if I run out of things to write about? What if I get boring? I haven't gone hiking this week! I've been to the gym...does that count? What am I going to do? I still have phase 2 on my challenge for Accoyo to complete! Shit! I can't tonight, I'll do it tomorrow! Emmitt still hasn't started phase 2 yet...that's tomorrow too! Ahhhh...so much to do now! My apostrophe/ quotation key fell off my keyboard...dammit! That is SO annoying! My head hurts..."

Own It

I just finished speaking with one of my students for not taking responsibility for his actions. He pushed another student down because she was "cutting" in front of him and he apparently didn't like that. Anytime he gets in trouble, he denies it and ALWAYS blames it on the other students. It's so frustrating because I can't get through to him that he needs to own up to his actions. I fear that if he continues this approach, so he doesn't get in trouble, it'll hurt him later on in life.

A life lesson that we all need to consider or teach to others is taking responsibility for our own actions. All too often, people are constantly blaming others for the pain and misery that was caused by a certain situation they were "put" in. As human beings, we have to take the good with the bad. I mean if we do something wonderful and courageous...we take the credit don't we? We own it. If we do something that wasn't the best idea and it fails...we automatically try to shift the blame, because we don't want it on us. Unfortunately, nobody MAKES us do anything...we do. We make that choice; therefore it's our responsibility to own both the rewards and consequences. It's how we will learn and it's how we will grow to conquer the next challenge.

My story: I went to The Ohio State University for two years.... I loved it there. My sisters were there, I had amazing friends, we lived in a great house, and I had a fun job. At the end of my sophomore year, I made a choice that I was going to transfer schools to be closer to my ex-husband/ boyfriend at the time. Things weren't going well between us, I was lonely and bored, and I didn't like my new school. After I realized what a huge mistake I made by leaving OSU, I began to feel resentful and blamed HIM for my move. It made me angry and I refused to take responsibility for it. I felt that since I sacrificed my life for him, he should be the one to own up to MY mistake. It's funny because I look back and think how ridiculous that was. Even though I knew he wanted me to move, he never asked me to. It was MY sacrifice, MY move, and MY choice. It seemed like it had everything to do with him, but in the end it had everything to do with me. I finally own it and it actually feels pretty good.

I'm here with you.

I just want to make clear that though it may sound like I am living up to everything I've posted so far, doesn't mean I live it all day, every day. I'm here going through the same process as all of you. I have the same battles in my head and the same struggles to be truly authentic. I just happen to know what it takes to get that happy life, the tools we need, and I have the support at home to make this blog a possibility. I'm not all knowing by any means. I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason, which leads me to believe that all of my negative experiences happened for a reason. Most people don't endure what I have in a single lifetime; therefore my thoughts, feelings, and stories are for you as a resource and for me as therapy (Ha!) and a guide. I'm enjoying everything that I've done thus far and I can't wait to see what life will bring. I read somewhere that by putting positive energy into this world, it'll be returned in full circle...I love that!

Thursday's Open Book

Share your story...

Just thinkin...

I have a really great life. For me to be insecure is silly. My family rocks.My friends are the best. I have a wonderful dog.I'm writing this blog, which I feel very passionate about, the kind of passion that I've craved for.I'm very healthy.I'm working out. I just got two cool tattoos.I have a world of possibilities regarding my future career. So what's the problem? There is none. Or maybe its greed...I want more. Okay, so if I want more, why am I feeling bad about it? Why not live in the moment, enjoy what I have and create a pathway to where I want to be? Yup, that sounds good to me!

random...

Ahhh...thunder. I miss thunderstorms. It sucks when it rains here because it's normally JUST rain. No thunder or lightning...just rain. I guess the almost year round sunny weather makes up for it.

Never Assume

One of the worst things we can do to ourselves is making assumptions. I do it ALL THE TIME! It's terrible. I get really down about something and then it turns out I was wrong. All that wasted energy and feeling really crappy for nothing. I don't know why I think I can read minds or know what someone else is doing when I'm not there. It must be that "I'm all-knowing" thing that I've mentioned before. "I am Jamie, therefore I am right." It's hard NOT to assume, especially when you think you know the person. We make up these stories that don't even exist and we play along. Then, our moods change, we feel depressed and/or angry, and all of sudden our story turned out to be false and the night is ruined. Okay, so why do we do this again???

Open Book

Write whatever is on your mind...

Emmitt

Yay! Emmitt has completed phase one of his training and now we're moving to phase two!

Being Me

If you can't be yourself, then what's the point? I want to be real to people, especially to the ones I date. That way there aren't any surprises later on when I'm totally being weird. They won't look at me and wonder, "Who is this person and why I am dating her?" Instead, they will laugh and hopefully join in with me...that' s the best. Isn't that the reason we all want someone special in our lives? We want to be with people who make us feel comfortable and can act ourselves around. That's what I want. I don't want judgements to be apart of any of my relationships...I'd never get to be "me" if I did.

It feels good to let go.

I'm weird. I know I am, but not everyone does. I have a good sense of humor and I love to laugh. Sometimes, it'll be something that everyone thinks is funny, and then there are times when I am the only one laughing. I crack myself up with all the weird thoughts I have or the weird things that come out of my mouth. It makes things fun and keeps things interesting. Why wouldn't I want to share that side of me with some people? I dunno. I want to act cool I guess. I share it with my family...both of them. I share it with some of my friends, but not all. Calen and I will make up songs and sing duets together...it's really funny. Gina and I will sit on the couch and make weird noises back and forth...it makes me laugh. When we're outside, Jill and I will start dancing for no reason and to no music...it entertains us. I'll leave really long messages for Josh on his voicemail, singing or talking in a different voice...I crack myself up during it. Hanging out with Carrie is funny in itself...she makes us weird. Nothing holds me back when I'm talking to Marisa...I think I'm the weirdest with her. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I know SHE won't judge me.

Dress To Impress

Why do we feel the need to impress others? I do it. She does it. He does it too! For me, it's always been because I never felt good enough. "I must look good in the eyes of others because if they like what I'm wearing, what I'm driving, how I look, and the job I have...I must be okay." Huh!?! Really? Is that what life is about? To look good? Absolutely not....

I'm not going to pretend that I don't love spending money on expensive clothes, accessories, and whatever else I can get my hands on. I will always enjoy that because it's a form of my own creativity and also because I can. Of course, that has not always been my thinking throughout my shopping sprees. I used to buy things to look good because I felt like I had nothing else to share. If I carry a cool purse, it means I'm creative. If I look great in a pair of designer jeans, it means I'm sexy. If my hair is a different color, it means I'm adventureous. If I drive this car, it means I'm cool. If I have this job, it means I'm interesting. All superficial thoughts that has nothing to do with who I really am. Just because I'm carrying that purse, doesn't mean I can pay my bills. Just because I look good in those jeans, doesn't mean my relationships are going to get better. Just because my hair is pretty, doesn't mean I'm going to lose weight. Just because I drive that car, doesn't mean I'm going to be happy in my job now. Just because I work there, doesn't mean that all my problems will go away.

My point: Feeding our egos can be dangerous. It causes us to hide behind the meanings of being superficial.

Keeping It Real

Be happy. Be honest. Be true. Be love. Be caring. Be passionate. Be affectionate. Be motivated. Be courageous. Be confident. Be active. Be healthy. Be beautiful. Be funny. Be empathetic. Be supportive. Be creative. Be excited. Be adventurous. Be strong. Be wise. Be aware. Be present. Be first...

Part 1 of Challenge #7- Success!

Me: "Do it yourself!"

My Ego: "I don't know how."

Me: "How do you know if you haven't tried it?"

My Ego: "Because I know. I don't know how to do this stuff. I'm stupid."

Me: "Lame excuse! I'm in control now...DO IT!"

What you just read was the battle I had earlier before I began preparing for Accoyo!'s quarterly taxes. I intentionally threw myself into the task because if I didn't, my ego would've taken over. I rounded up everything I needed, requested information from Jill and Gina, and then it suddenly turned into a game that I wanted to play. I wanted to figure it out for myself, not ask any questions, and see what I would come up with...an unfamiliar approach for me. Because I had a positive attitude and felt determined, it was actually pretty easy and the length of time it took was no time at all...under an hour for sure. Part 1 of Challenge #7- Success!

Open Book

Alright, I'm adding this to my blog to give anyone a chance to share without me choosing a topic. I will post "Open Book" every day, whether there is participation or not...just know that the space is there for you.

My Parents

People ask all the time about what my parents did to make us all so close as a family. I can't go into specific detail because I was growing up, learning about life, and not paying too much attention to their parenting skills. I can tell you what I do remember though. My parent's were honest with us, not afraid to show their love and affection. They treated us with the respect as they would with any other human being. All three of us were made to feel special, no matter what the situation or trouble we may have been in. If they felt a need to discipline us, they would do it in a way that didn't hurt our egos or degrade us in any way. They communicated the reason why they were upset and what we needed to do to fix it. They let us know that our "troubled" actions weren't brought on because we were "bad" kids, they happened because we made a bad choice and we had to learn from our mistakes. They kept the trust there even when we didn't deserve it, which made their disappointment of us worse than any other punishment. They remembered what it was like for them growing up, which made it possible for us to explore what we needed to succeed as human beings and adults. They loved us unconditionally...end of story.

A Teacher's Advice

I was absent from work on Friday. Because of the location of my school, sometimes getting a substitute teacher is difficult. My class was split up into groups of 5 or 6 and were put into different classrooms. Yesterday, we were doing a writing game that my kids love and one of the teachers that had a group of my students on Friday came in for a visit. She looked at me, covered her heart, and said, "You are an amazing teacher. I can't believe how good and smart your kids are. I'm a second grade teacher and they were doing more than my class could. In fact, my students were amazed of how good some of them were reading and writing. Throughout the whole day, they were so positive and worked really well together. I told all the second grade teachers that whomever gets your kids next year are so lucky." That was awesome! I felt so good and proud of my students. I'm not writing this to "toot my own horn" about my teaching abilities, there is a point to be made...

Children are very influenced by adults. My students were well behaved, not because I'm a super teacher and I have something that others don't, it's that I believe in each and every one of my students. I let them know how proud I am and if they do their best in everything, no matter what...it will be good enough for me. Everyday, we practice "taking care of ourselves." If they have a problem with another child, we get to the source and we talk about it as if we were all the same age. I don't treat them like they're babies and they appreciate that. How do I know? I see it in their work, their motivation, and their attitudes. One thing that my teacher friend told me was, "Your little girl went to tattle tail on another one of your students and they actually stopped each other and said 'Ms. Bowers said to mind our own business.' And, that was it. Problem solved." I was floored. I know what I've been teaching in my room, but I didn't realize they would take it with them and apply it to life outside of my class.

My point: I'm not a parent, but I am someone who is around children all day long. The advice that I can give stems from the experiences I've had and especially recently. A positive teacher is what makes a difference. Not treating a young person like they are inexperienced is what will make them progress even more. They have the "want" and "need" to impress anyone who is listening. This approach will communicate to a child that they are good enough and smart enough to accomplish anything they put their minds to. Be the positive teacher...it's the only way.

I didn't feel like...

I go to the gym a lot so it leaves me with a bunch of laundry to do weekly. I didn't feel like doing laundry tonight...so I did it anyway and now I have clean clothes for tomorrow!

A quick thought...

It's funny when people go out of their way to make someone else feel bad.I use the word "funny" because it is a bit humorous. Although it may seem evil at that moment, one has to stop and think why someone cares enough to take their time and energy to make sure your day is ruined? You have to think of it as a compliment really. If they honestly don't care for you then they'd probably ignore you. Subconsciously, people apply their insecurities in all sorts of different ways. Making fun or belittling others is a good example. It draws attention from one's own self; therefore, they will hurt a person no matter what the cost. That way, they don't have to deal with reality and they can be miserable and angry for the rest of their lives...if they so choose...

This is hilarious!

An anonymous person wrote, "How original! Nice TRAMP stamp! Guess the whaletail area is next! LOSER," under my tattoo picture. The minute I read it, I laughed and showed my friend at work. I thought it was great! Perfect example of insecure people attacking others, people they don't even know, to make themselves feel better. Well, I hope it worked because it didn't affect me any...I think my tattoo is pretty!

The Empowering No

I previously shared my thoughts about saying "no" and why it's important to be able to say it. In my post, I was referring to things like not wanting to go somewhere or not wanting to do something. I'm going to take my thought a step further.

Having the ability to say "no" is a part of our journey and I believe it will empower us in ways that we could never imagine. The word "no" seems like a simple word, but there's so much more behind it. Power, security, and awareness come to mind when I hear the word "no." Whether it be a bad relationship, living an unhealthy lifestyle, and/or a job that bores the crap out of us, being able to say "no" will eventually give us the power to recognize and act on situations in our lives that need change.

Saying "No"

I've always had the hardest time saying "no" to people. I would feel bad for not wanting to do something, so I'd either say yes or make up an excuse to why I couldn't. Either way it's a lie to the person and to myself. I've learned that if we can't say "no" to people, we aren't being true to our own wants and needs. We aren't here to make other people happy, though it is a nice thought. If everyone took responsibility for their own happiness, we wouldn't hurt feelings by saying "no." It would be understood that the answer "no" says, "I'm just taking care of myself. It has NOTHING to do with you."

Saying "no" is empowering and it's something I'm still working on. There's been so many instances that I've found myself battling my intuition against my ego, which turns into the feeling of guilt. If we're going to choose something that is driven by our own intuition and doesn't negatively affect someone else, we shouldn't have to feel guilty for it. Instead, we should feel strong and proud of ourselves for choosing "me."

A quick thought...

My ankle was really sore today. I feel as though I'm walking with a limp at times. I 'm so happy with them, especially my Hexagram...I love it!

Emmitt's progress...

He's still a work in progress. He's sitting, laying down, and staying on command. He's walking better on the leash and getting to know "his place." Jill and I are going to step it up starting tomorrow...

Oh THAT story...

I'm 15, standing in the middle of a crowd, at our town's street fair. All of a sudden, I feel a breeze on my legs, look down, and my pants are down to my ankles. I'm showing my underwear to the world! I hurried to pull them up and finally after I buttoned them, I punched my guy friend (at the time...ha!) in the arm and gave him bruises. I was SO embarrassed. I don't talk about this story much, now everybody knows!

A quick thought...

It's almost the end of my school year. May 8th to be exact! I'm so excited and I'm not the least bit nervous about it. I can't wait to be "free" and to be open to the possibilities that I will continually make for myself.

Challenge #8

For challenge #8, I will hike 3 times this week either after school and/or on the weekend with Emmitt.

Challenge #7

I have two tasks on my "To Do" list this week for Accoyo!
1.) Taxes
2.) Examining and strategizing from our inventory sheet.

This is a challenge for me because proaction has never been my strongsuit. I am now entering the unfamiliar "taking action" part of my journey and I'm looking forward to see just how far I can go...to see if I really have "limits."

Creating a New Possibility

I'm creating a new possibility that will require many different challenges. Jill, Gina, and I run an online clothing business, Accoyo! Apparel, that carries products made from alpaca fleece (wool). It's a rare soft fiber, which makes us unique in the fashion world, but also makes it more difficult for us to market. Most people don't know that an alpaca is an animal, a member of the llama family, and they are sheared for their fleece (wool). Last year was our first "real" season of online sales and we did well, but not enough. We realize it's a new company and it'll take time, however, I've finally acknowledged that my efforts have been lacking a bit. We've had many discussions on where our company is headed and we all agree on one thing: Accoyo! Apparel will be transformed into an alpaca teddy bear and accessory online business. Even though we feel passionate about our clothing line and know we have potential to make something out of it, we want to downsize our inventory. We are directing our company focus onto being MORE focused. We want to take alpaca teddy bears and accessories to a whole different level. In order for this to happen, we need to sell our clothing inventory and invest in our new product line. My Possibility: I am going to dedicate my "new" motivation to Accoyo! I will be creating challenges for myself that will set a pathway towards my success in this venture. I'm ready...let's go!

BTW

I have a new challenge that I am going to write about when I get back from hiking and lunch. After I do, I am inviting everyone to participate in the game with your own challenges. Write your challenge in the comments and then report back after it's completed. As I said, that's what I'm here for...I've created the space for all of you to join me. Who wants to play?

Mar-ASS-a!!!!!

Thanks for playing my game today! 2 Tattoos and a plate full of sushi...FUN!

Here it is...

Josh rocks! He's such a sweet guy, very professional, and extremely talented. I couldn't have asked for a better guy to complete challenge #6.

More of Challenge #6

It hurts!!!!!

I added to my rose that I got when I was 16. It took an hour and 15 minutes to do and it wasn't pleasant. Actually, it was pretty painful! My tattoo WAS a single rose, now it wraps around my ankle...

Here it is...

I love it!

Challenge #6- Success!

I got my tattoo for challenge #6. It's a symbol and a reminder of the life journey I've chosen for myself.

About my tattoo: The I Ching (Book of Changes) is the world's most ancient divination tool. It consists of combinations of broken lines representing yin (female, receptive, negative) and unbroken lines representing yang (male, active, positive). The interaction between the complementary forces of yin and yang underlies all changes in the universe. ...

My tattoo is Hexagram 46:

The empowered person observes how a small seedling erupts out of the earth and learns a lesson about the nature of growth and progress.

Keywords: work, labor, struggle, attempt, endeavor, exertion, movement, force, effort, exercise, application, attainment, diligence.

Encourages exerting consistent effort over time; Acquiring the resources needed for growth and progress; Applying yourself diligently toward a goal; Starting small and expanding slowly; Taking appropriate action now.

Cautions against: Waiting for your goals to come to you; Taking a "wait and see" attitude when action would be more appropriate; Giving into a sense of entitlement; Being lazy or unfocused; Refusing to apply yourself; Coasting along instead of setting a direction.

Thought questions:
Now that the time for action has come, what do I need to be doing?
How can I make best use of this opportunity for growth and progress?
What actions would allow me to look back and say I did the right thing?
What is the nature of the work I need to do? How can I apply myself to it?

Love and relationships: Now is a time for relationships to thrive. Whatever has happened, you must see it as a doorway for growth and opportunity. What small steps can you take today to make the most of the situation? Discuss where you want to go together and start the journey now.

Work and projects: There's never been a better time for getting things done. Even obstacles you may meet will quickly become stepping stones to new achievements and opportunities! Use this energy wisely. Ask for what you really need, and expect success.

Open wide!

This is what I look like when I eat sushi...

Challenge #4- Success!

Well, I finally tried sushi! I'm not going to share my opinion of whether I liked it or not because it doesn't matter, as a previous anonymous commenter stated. Challenge #4- Success!

Dear Mr. President,

I am not posting this for political reasons, I am posting it because I think it's important for all of us to hear.

Oh THAT story...

I used to be embarrassed to tell people I dressed and looked like a boy when I was little. My parent's always joked that they'd have to pay for my sex change when I got old enough. Whew, thankfully it was only a phase...it's hard enough being a feminine lesbian...HA!

Challenge #4 and #6 Update

I'm doing them both today. First, I will be getting my tattoo at noon and then right after, Marisa and I are going to lunch...to have sushi!

Sixth Assignment

I never would've imagined how therapeutic writing is. Not only am I working my thoughts and feeling out on the screen, I can actually look back at something I wrote for reassurance and a reminder. It's funny...I've done it a few times already and I get the same feeling back from the first time I wrote it.Your assignment: Write about your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. The more you do it, the easier it gets and I guarantee you'll notice what a big impact it will make on your path to self-discovery.

Sisterly Love

I love my sisters.Kristen and Jill are the best two sisters in the whole world...ONLY my opinion!We had a really fun childhood.We used to play these crazy games and make home movies.We'd crack each other up constantly.We did fight a lot but what siblings don't? The older we got, the closer we kept getting.The three of us ended up going to the same college and then becoming roommates.

It was exam week for Kristen during her freshman year of college when I went into the hospital back in '95.I'd been in there for 2 weeks already, when she made a surprise visit. That was an unforgettable moment for me.We lived together during my sophomore year of college.We had a blast!She's helped me through a lot, going through my separation and divorce.She took me in for a whole month, got me a few substitute teaching jobs, paid for my food and whatever else I needed.It was hard for us to leave Kristen when we moved.In fact, she was the one who drove us out to LA.She flew out here, leaving her kids at home to see me in the hospital a year and half ago. I love going home to see her.It makes me sad that we don't see each other more, but it doesn't make me love her any less."Absence makes the heart grow fonder."I believe that.

I literally kicked Jill into life.She had a huge bruise on her head when she was born.We were known as the Conehead Twins...we had long heads.Neither of us grew hair until we were 3, we looked like enormous babies...HA!We were close all the way through grade school.We even got in trouble together.For 3 whole weeks, she visited and slept in the hospital with me, always coming right after school or not going to school at all.We shared a dorm room together in college. Lucky for me because she almost went to another school but chose to join her twin sis.We had so much fun!I moved away from her and chose the married life.I missed her.I jumped on the chance to move to LA, after I realized my life needed to change.She welcomed me and we've been together ever since.I don't think she could support me anymore than she already does.Jill is a strong lady, a nurturer, and my best friend.

Happy Birthday!

When I was living back home, my birthday wasn't really a big deal to me.I got that it was "my" day and I was supposed to be happy, but it always seemed like every other day.It wasn't until I met Gina that my view of it changed.She is really into birthdays, always making a huge deal of us turning a year older.Gina appreciates life, she sees it as a gift, therefore she knows how to appreciate the day we all began our lives.It is a huge celebration and we should all take the time to celebrate our own anniversary of life and acknowledging others as well.Happy Birthday Mar-ASS-a (It's her code name for Marisa)!I can't wait to celebrate your life tonight.You are in my life for a reason; we both know how hard it's been for us to get here and I have no doubt that we will remain in each other's lives forever.You rock in every sense of the word and I'm blessed to have you as my friend. I love you!

"I've created these walls because I'm so busy judging other people. It's kept me from learning and seeing people for who they really are."

I love the way she said that.It's so true!When we are busy judging others, we are hurting ourselves by not being open.It keeps us from learning about life because WE are not the only ones in this world...WE are not the only ones with feelings and dreams...and WE are not the only ones who want to be happy.There is a whole world of people, living their own lives, who have so much to give and if we're not willing to listen and learn from them, then our world will NEVER change and that is NOT a possibility that I am willing to make.

Touched, Moved, and Inspired

Last night, in my seminar, I was having a nice conversation with Jeraline.We were sharing about our breakthroughs and she said something that really inspired me to want to share it with all of you: "I've created these walls because I'm so busy judging other people. It's kept me from learning and seeing people for who they really are."WOW! As soon as she said that, I had my pencil and paper in hand, writing it down and feeling thankful for having the opportunity to listen to her breakthrough. Normally, I sit with Kelly so I wouldn't have heard it, but oddly enough I was sitting next to Jeraline and I feel it was for a reason...to witness her breakthrough.She touched, moved, and inspired me, not only because of what she said, but how she said it.She was being real and she really meant it.I could tell this was a new realization for her and that's what made it so amazing.At that moment, Jeraline opened her mind and opened it up for other people.Thank you!

Challenge #6

I am getting a tattoo tomorrow...that in itself is a challenge. I'm not good with pain like I used to be but I really want it, so I'm gonna have to tough it up a bit. I already have 4 of them, so I know what I'm getting myself into and thats why I'm a bit nervous...I remember the pain!

Challenge #5- Success!

For challenge #5, I put myself to the test again with public speaking.Here's my story:I arrived and hour early to meet up with my new friend, Martin. We had great conversation, it kept my mind off of what I was about to do later.He gave me a new understanding of how possibilities work...loved it!That'll be for another post...It was time to go into the seminar and I was feeling okay but not necessarily as relaxed as I would've liked to be.As soon as I sat down in my chair, my voices started to go off, "I don't really have to do this.I want to read it, but I don't think it's what our leader is asking, so it doesn't make sense for me to put myself out there and annoy others and for me to feel stupid.I'm not doing it."Our leader, Avi, finally gives us a chance to share and nobody raised their hands. "Damn, now I don't have an excuse NOT to go up there because nobody else wants to speak.Fine, I'll do it!"My hand went straight up into the air, as if there wasn't even a thought.He called my name and I stood behind another participant who spoke first.Once again, my heart was pounding, my body was shaking, and I felt hot.I looked at all the faces, and knew that everyone was generally interested about what I was going to say...which made me even more nervous!It was my turn and I began to speak.I explained about my blog and why I was up there...to meet my weekly challenge.I then proceeded to read my blog post "People are so different, yet so alike." My purpose was to give a shout-out to my group and to inspire people to work in their own groups.As I began reading it, I got more terrified.I'm not ONLY speaking in public right now, I'm sharing something that I wrote and felt very passionate about.It was the hardest thing imaginable...but, yet again...I did it!Challenge #5- SUCCESS!

Scarred

MY definition: Ugly, gross, and disgusting. A quick way to scare someone off. Life threatening in terms of "not being perfect." Poor me!

Now try this one: These scars represent the fight and struggle I went through to be as healthy as I am today. They tell a story about a strong-willed girl, who wasn't even supposed to live. Yeah, I'll go with this one!

Story 1: Jill and I were in the same pre-school class. We were shy and a bit timid, but we had each other. One day, we both wore dresses to school and for some reason I was extra shy that day. I wanted to hide, so I went with the "if I can't see you, then you can't see me" move. I pulled my dress over my head, leaving a view of my stomach to all the other children. They began to laugh, point fingers, and say mean things. We all know how cruel kids can be! I went home crying, not understanding what was so funny. I don't even think I was aware that I had these huge scars on my stomach or maybe it just wasn't a big deal to me at the time.

Even though, my "negative" seed was already planted, I do have to share a positive side of the story. My dad saw how upset and embarrassed I was. He then took some markers and drew pictures around my scars to make them look "pretty." I was proud and showed them off to all the kids the next day...they became envious and wanted some too.

If only my story would've ended there, my scars probably wouldn't have affected me the way they have throughout my whole life...

Story 2: This story takes place at a girl's slumber party. I think we were in second or third grade at the time. One girl knew about my scars and asked me to show them to her. I said no hoping the topic would go away. As we gathered around the campfire, the same girl ran up to me and pulled my shirt up for everyone to see. It was completely out of the blue, so it was hard to comprehend and react to what just happened. All the girls started laughing, which made me run into the house crying. The little girl "had" to apologize, but it didn't make me feel any better.

From that moment on, it was difficult for me to show my scars, especially to those I wanted to be involved with.No matter how many times they told me my scars were beautiful, I didn't believe it.I was so focused on how ugly they were instead of why I got them and how they saved my life. It didn't help that I got another big scar after my 2nd and 3rd surgery. I'm still dealing with it, trying to accept the fact that I will ALWAYS have them. And, because it is out of my control, I'm left with only one option: To accept them for what they are, not how I interpret them.

Buzz Kill

Have you seen the character, Debbie Downer, on "Saturday Night Live" ? It's so funny and brilliant if you ask me. She is this woman that nobody likes to be around because EVERYTHING she talks about is negative. If it's an unfortunate situation about her, a current event, or some random depressing fact, she speaks up and tells everyone about it. After succeeding in bringing the room down, her friends sigh and moan wondering if she is ever going to say something positive and meaningful OR they wonder when she will be leaving.

How many people do you know like this? Are you one of them? I can say that I've probably been guilty of this with all my negative stories. It's funny to think that...what a drag! I'm not saying to not share them with other people in fact I encourage it. It's one way we can learn about ourselves and others may benefit from it as well. My point is to do it in MODERATION. Think about it like this: You go and meet a friend that you haven't seen in awhile. You're both full of happy energy and smiling as you approach one another...almost like a relief to finally meet up again. Stories start flowing and your friend immediately goes into negative mode, talking about how crappy his or her life is. You start feeling bad, not really knowing what to say. You're scrambling in your mind to come up with SOMETHING to respond with, but the stories just keep coming. You're energy level lowers and you're caught feeling a bit depressed because you're feeding off your friends vibe. You leave thinking, "This is why we don't see each other often,...what a buzz kill."

Now try this: You're meeting your friend, and though they've had some hard stuff to deal with, they share a quick story, you talk about it and then it's over. He or she may be feeling pretty bad, but totally aware that their own problems has nothing to do with you, so why make the happy moment a sad one if it doesn't need to be? Conversation is flowing, talking about old times and funny stories. As the meeting ends, you hug each other and think, "This was really great! We should do this again soon!" Your friend leaves with the thought, "Wow, this is the best I've felt in a long time. I need to get out more."

Great excuse.

I used to say I had ADD when I couldn't focus on something.Jill asks, "What do you think Jamie?" "Uh...what? Oh sorry, I didn't hear you. It must be my ADD again." I'm glad this isn't a true statement. Can you imagine? It's hard enough listening to people we aren't interested in speak...can you imagine having ADD and trying to focus? I feel bad for those people, especially since they would do anything to be in our place. They can appreciate what a gift it is to listen to other people tell their stories...

Challenge #4 Update

I have not welcomed Sushi into my life yet...I'm thinking it'll be this weekend.

Oh THAT story...

I used to be embarrassed about the fact that I worked at 7-11 in Ocean City, Maryland the summer before college. Gina pointed out how hilarious that was and how proud I should be of that story, then I thought about it...Yeah, that's pretty funny!

Compliments

When I pay a compliment to one of my students, his or her face immediately lights up. In that moment they feel good, confident, and most importantly smart and capable. They know how to accept compliments because they want to hear it, they need to hear it, and they search for it. It's nice when people say nice things to us. It gives us reassurance and motivates us just a little more. In a perfect world, we wouldn't need that from other people. We'd be comfortable in our own skin, doing what we love because society wouldn't be stopping us. Unfortunately, our world isn't perfect, society does stop us and that in itself should give us all the more reason to compliment each other whenever we can, especially when it's needed.

Leader

I tell my students, "Be a leader, not a follower." They get it, but have a hard time remembering while they are doing something they shouldn't be doing. I think many adults have the same struggle as well. It's hard to be a leader. It's tough because you are the one who is making the choice to do or not do something, unknowing of what others are going to do. And, if you back off from what you just said or the action that you chose to pursue, then it's going against you're word, losing you're integrity and the strength that you had to make the stance in the first place. It's a difficult position to be in because not only are you setting yourself up for future disappointments, you're believing that you're not strong enough to do what you want and need. You begin to hide behind the leader, whether it be a real person or your own ego. Being strong and being true to yourself means taking the lead no matter what the circumstance is.

Can you imagine what our world would be like if everybody did this? If everyone took the lead to control their own thoughts and actions? My bet would be that we'd have peace, happiness and success- too bad it only "seems" to be a dream and not reality...

People are so different, yet so alike.

"Never judge a book by its cover." I agree with this statement whole-heartedly. That's the sad thing about people and I'm guilty of it too. We look at someone and we automatically know their story and we don't even give them a chance. Who or what gives us the right to do that? We do. We think we’re all-knowing, therefore, we are right. We take it upon ourselves to make unfair judgments and then apply it to the way we interact with those people. If they "seem" cool, we're all about them.If they "seem" anything but cool, we don't want anything to do with them. What's the definition of cool you ask? Well, it depends on the person you're asking. I'm into creative and outgoing people, who share the same interests as I do. Bring this up two months ago, and I wouldn't have welcomed anyone different into my world.

At my first seminar, I was surrounded by the most random group of people and I didn't really feel the urge to talk to anyone but my friend Kelly, who I already knew. Of course I looked around at all the unfamiliar faces and then the faces that I recognized from the forum. I placed my judgments and was feeling like I wasn't going to get anything out of it because everyone was so "different"...not like me. Our seminar leader proceeds to break us into groups by location and I was a bit fearful. "What if I get stuck in an awful group with weird people? What do I do then?" We finally settle down into our groups and that's when I meet Wanda, Etty, Walter, Cesar, and Jeraline. Five people who I know nothing about, who all have different issues, and are in a different age group than I. In other words...nothing in common...so I thought.

We had our first meeting and it was truly amazing. I was very skeptical going in but man did I have it all wrong. I can't tell you how cool it was finally sitting down with these total strangers and having real conversations with them. I listened to all the stories, the heartbreaks, and also felt the sense of "hope" and "change" that we all yearned for, circulating in the room. We all brought different views and experiences to the table, something we all needed to hear to get a taste of what real life is about. Afterwards, I felt relief and gratitude, being able to let go of all my judgments and absurd thoughts. I now realize that we may look different, act different, and think differently, but in the end we all want the same thing...to be happy. For that reason alone, the six of us have created this amazing bond that I never would've dreamt as being a possibility. I want to support these people, love these people, and welcome these people into my life forever. That's what life is about and I am open to it all!

Challenge #5

Thursday is my next seminar meeting. For challenge #5, I am going to volunteer to speak in front of the group, talking about my breakthrough and my blog. I dread this challenge everytime, to the point where it takes me a few minutes to push the "publish" button; however, it's the only way I'm going to conquer my fear of public speaking. I'll let you know how it goes!

Fifth Assignment

Josh and I were having a great conversation a couple weeks ago, it was about advice that his mom used to give him and something that I totally agree with. In order to get what we want out of life whether it be career, relationships, or wealth, we have to believe. In order for us to believe, we need to act the part. Once we do it enough times, the role that we want for ourselves will hopefully become a reality. For instance, if you're scared of public speaking like me, pretend that you're confident. If you want to be rich, hang out at places where rich people are. If you want to be in a good healthy relationship, pretend you're not searching and he or she will show up unexpectedly. If you want to be skinny and in shape, think and act like you already are. Acting the role is important because it gives us a small taste of what we want, it provides us with the information we need to succeed, and it keeps the motivation and drive going where there are no limits set to stop us.

I am a good example of this. I continuously write on my blog every day with the attitude that I am a writer and I can make a difference in this world. My motivation comes from me pretending that I am writing to millions of people, and that I'm actually inspiring them to take a good hard look at their lives. Let's face it, if you look at the mapstats, I only average about 20 new people a day and most of them don't even stay on for very long to see what I'm writing about. It doesn't bother me and it certainly doesn't deter me from doing it anyway. I know that it's helping me and a few others and that's all that counts for now. I believe that sooner or later, people will come to my site to join me on this journey and when that day comes...I WILL be a writer who had a purpose.

Your assignment: Play your role. Think about what you want and act like you already have it.

A helpful hint: All of us already know how to do this. How do you think we got here in the first place? Through most of our lives, we acted out our negative roles and soon we believed them to be true. Don't you think it's time to change our roles, to play a different part, and to live for a happy ending? I do.

Attn: New bloggers...

Those of you that are new to my site, like what I've had to say, and are new to blogs...in the archives you can find my previous postings. I began this blog in March...not too long ago. Enjoy!

Road Rage- What's the point?

So I was driving home from school today in a relatively good mood. I had my music blaring, my mind wandering, and I'm surrounded by beautiful mountain scenery with the sun shining bright. A perfect day for a drive!

I'm not going to lie...LA traffic sucks! If I were to say anything negative about living here, it'd be the traffic. As I'm approaching the one lane freeway change to get to my house, mind you I've been sitting in my car waiting for my turn to get on that freeway, a car out of nowhere cuts me off. Not just cuts me off, but literally to the point where I had to lay down my horn and slam on my breaks because I thought he was going to hit me.

My first reaction: I was pissed! My heart was pounding, I was calling him names, and I really wanted to tail him until he acknowledged me and what he did. I wanted this person that I didn't even know, suffer for the 5 second long incident that nobody got hurt from.

At that moment, I caught myself. I took a deep breath and thought, "I wasn't hurt.My car wasn't touched. It's still beautiful in sunny and I am still on my way home. Why would I let a complete stranger, who obviously has patience issues, or is having a bad day, or plainly just made a mistake, ruin my good mood?" If we would've collided, that would've been a whole other story, but we didn't. I'm never going to see this person again…why waste the energy?

Emmitt's progress...

Me and my baby boy...he was only 8 weeks old here.

He's doing well with the training! Before we start phase two, we're going to have a few more training sessions to make sure he is really "getting" it. I'll let you know when we do! It's all about the baby steps...

"Hysterectomy"

MY definition: Scarred for life. A broken woman who isn't womanly enough to have children. A victim of her own body. A failure to my significant other, whomever she may be.

Now try this: A surgical procedure to remove the fallopian tube, ovary, and uterus, so that I will NEVER have to have surgery again and I can live a happy and healthy life. Yeah, I'll go with this one!

A New Realization

Yesterday, I had a nice lunch with Julie, a friend of mine that I haven't seen in awhile. She was asking me what I've been doing and I told her about Landmark and about my blog. Right in the middle of my story, she stopped me and said, "You were so open with me when I first met you. You seemed like an open book, not afraid to talk about yourself." Then it suddenly occured to me that she was right. I was very open with her about my life. I've been open to a lot of people about my life, but it's not for the reasons that you may think. I shared things about my life because I was very insecure about them. I hated telling my stories to new people, it made me nervous everytime...but for some reason I felt compelled to do it anyway. I thought, "I am a broken girl and you should know this." That was how I defined myself. Forget the fact that I am a good person, that I make a yummy lasagna, and I love to color my hair every six weeks. No, let's jump right to the bad stuff because that's who I really am. It made me feel better if I would come "clean" from the beginning, that way if they didn't like what they heard, the relationship would stop there and there wouldn't be any surprises if they found out later. That's silly. First, if people judge me for unfortunate situations that happened in my life then they don't deserve to be in it anyway. Second, all of those situations that happened, only happened. They don't say anything about who I am...end of story.

I believe there is a god.

I'm not a religious person by any means. I think we tried Sunday school a few times when we were growing up, but it just didn't fit. We didn't go to church on Sundays either. I think my mom and dad felt bad about that. I don't know why they would. I feel more free now to make those kind of choices for myself than I would've being brought up in a "mandatory" religion. I'm thankful that we never had anything pushed on us, because it left us with the right to choose, whether we wanted to believe in something or not.

For the longest time, I didn't believe there was a god. I had so many things go wrong in my life health wise, that I refused to think that it was even a possibility. "If there is really a god, then why is this happening to me?" The "talk" of him looking over us made me uncomfortable...and annoyed. I didn't appreciate others pushing that thought when I didn't want to hear it in the first place.

After reading a few books recently, for the purpose of "fixing" myself, I definitely have a new understanding on my beliefs now than I ever did. I, in fact, do believe there is a god. I don't necessarily believe (only my opinion) he's up in heaven looking down at us, I think he's "with" us...inside of us. I think the only heaven and hell that is real are the ones we create for ourselves. When we live out our negative stories, feeling miserable while we're doing it, and beating ourselves up for something that happened 20 years ago, we're living in hell. When we live out our positive stories, feeling on top of the world, and doing EVERYTHING we want to do in life, we're living in heaven. That's what it is to me. God is in me and I get to choose my own destiny to heaven or hell. I choose heaven…it seems like a better place to be and a lot more fun!

My "Dumb" Story

I have a story to go along with why I felt "dumber" than my sisters growing up. My older sister, Kristen, is very intelligent. She always got the grades and being only 2 years ahead of us, it was easy to compare myself to her and what she's accomplished academically. Then, there's Jill, my identical twin sister. She's the creative one. Art has always been her talent, her passion, so anything I did wasn't as good. It was difficult for me NOT to compare myself to them, especially since my first "ABC" paper, that both Jill and I brought home, had two different grades. Jill's had the happy face for "Good job!" and mine had the sad face for "You suck!" Honestly, after that...I don't recall other grades that we may have gotten different. That's probably because I stopped caring. My logic was, "If I stop trying, I can't fail so nobody will see how dumb I am." Wow, I can't believe I felt like that for so long. What a wasteful and untrue story to live! I don't know what I'm capable of and to me, that's a good thing. There are no limits and I know as long as I have direction...I can go on for miles and miles.

A quick thought...

I can't get over the fact that I'm writing this blog. Ask me to write a blog 2 months ago and I would've laughed in your face. I've always lived by the story that I wasn't good at anything, my sisters were better, and I would be the one who would jump from one thing to another out of boredom and lack of confidence. That last part is true. For as long as I can remember, I've never been REALLY happy with what I was doing at that moment in time. Walking through life so unsure and dissatisfied with the way things were. I thought that was normal, that everyone feels like that...it's a part of life. I didn't think I'd ever find something that I felt so good about, let alone build my own confidence up. This blog does that for me. I love to write! I love to see my thoughts and feelings on the screen. It helps me understand where I'm coming from and what I need to do to fix it. I love the notion that I could be helping people because I've been "helped" my whole life by my family and friends. I feel like this is finally my time to step up and give back what was given to me...love, support, and sharing a part of me that I didn't even know existed.

Opinions are not reality.

Opinions are ONLY opinions. They mean nothing and it's unfortunate that people will sometimes take them to heart even though they're not true, just because someone said it. I'm not a gay activist and I'm not using this blog to promote gay awareness to the world. It just happens to be an issue that I'm very familiar with and it can relate to many different points like tolerance, discrimination, being different, being "real," relationships, acceptance, and love.

There are so many opinions that surround the "gay" word, but they don't make it reality. Most of the time, they come out of religious beliefs or from fear of the unknown. Fortunately, I know those who voice their opinions are only insecure with themselves. How do I know? Because the person saying it has no idea what being gay means. It's either they are not gay, therefore they don't understand and are quick to judge; or they have not come to terms with it themselves. They have absolutely no clue what it's like and they definitely don't know the struggles one deals with when realizing they are gay. They don't know what it's like to look at mom and dad in the eye and tell them, "I'm gay." They quickly dismiss it as a lifestyle or choice which justifies to them, their hatred toward homosexuality.

First, choosing to be gay would be like choosing (with no prior experience) a calculus book over a basic math 101 book. You would choose to have all kinds of struggles when in fact you could have sailed right through it (life). Sorry for the cheesy comparison, but it's the only one I could think of. Now let's go with that opinion and say it is a choice. If that's true, what business is it of theirs? The choices I make for myself has NOTHING to do with anyone else. If it did, I wouldn't have made the choice to begin with. And, besides that, if my own personal choice affects someone else, someone I don't even know, then they are the one with the issues...not me.

Second, a belief is only an opinion and we know that because of all the different religions out there. Different religions have different beliefs and that's our given right as human beings. We choose to believe what we want to believe because we can. If being gay is against everything you know then great...just keep it to yourself because the next person may believe otherwise. And, as we all know, everyone is entitled to their OWN opinions.

Finally, life wasn't made for others to dictate how you should be living, through THEIR opinions and judgments. YOU have every right to be as happy as those who choose their opinions over reality. Live for yourself. It's the only way to "be."

Tags: Opinions, Reality, Politics, Gay, Judgement

Back home, nobody cares!

I grew up in a small town, a conservative place, where we had to drive outside the city limits to buy alcohol. Our family is known and well respected, in fact my mom and dad grew up there and even attended the same high school as my sisters and I. They kept many of their friends and made new ones as the years went on, which developed into a small community of caring and loving people. The older my sisters and I got, the more we began to "hang" out with my parents and their friends and gradually, OUR friends began hanging out with them too. We have a blast together, drinking, laughing, and playing around. We had a great childhood because of all the wonderful people who surrounded us and we have a great life now because of all the people who are still in it. There's lots of love to be shared back there, I look forward going home for that reason. Now can you imagine why it was SO difficult for Jill and I to come out of the closet? "OMG! Two gay daughters in one family...poor Ben and Rainy! Where did they go wrong?" They didn't. They did everything right. They made it possible for us to have the courage to explore what it means to be ourselves. They put our happiness ahead of their own, set their insecurities aside, and locked their fear away so that we could find our way. They love us unconditionally because they are our parents, our friends, and our support forever. The big news spread like wild fire in our town. Everyone was talking about it. Its great gossip: "The Bowers twins are lesbians! Whoa!" Sure it was a shock, especially because it was both of us and I was married to a man before, but in the end nobody cared enough to care. They chose not to care. They knew we were still the SAME people, living our OWN lives, but we just happen to be gay. They love us and will continue to love us no matter what. If there was ever any fear from our family and friends, I imagine it was for one simple reason: They never had the exposure. They lacked the experience of having gay people around, so of course it's a little scary or uncomfortable at first. What new situation isn't? It's something one has to get used to just like everything else in life. One learns to adapt if it's worth the effort and in our case, we were worth the effort for them.

Holding a grudge is a waste of time and energy.

I've never been someone to hold a grudge. For some reason, even though I was never in touch with my inner self, I felt it took a lot more energy to be mad and upset at someone than to just let it go. I don't mean to forget about something that shouldn't be forgotten, or not dealing with a situation. All I'm saying is as soon as the problem is being dealt with...LET IT GO! Isn't that the reason why we tackle our issues, to get over them? Why would we attempt to fix the problem if we're not going to let it go anyway? There's no need to dwell, especially in the past. It keeps us from living, it keeps us from happiness, and it wastes the energy we could be using for living our own dreams.

I didn't feel like...

I made a promise to Jill that I'd cook dinner once a week since she is the cook of the house. I didn't feel like cooking...so I cooked anyway and now we have yummy taco salads to eat!

Thanks to those that have posted so far! And, thanks to those that keep comin back!

Those that post: I came home yesterday from school and saw a couple new comments on a few of my postings. I loved it! It was great...so please keep doing it! That's exactly why I'm here. I choose the topics that I can relate to and then write to share about my experiences and stories for no other reason than support. The posting sections are NOT only for your comments about what I'm doing, they are for you to ALSO share your stories and experiences that may be similar to mine OR not at all. Either way, it works! That's only if you want to of course.

Those that return: It's really great to see people coming back to my blog. It took a lot for me to get the courage to share the things that I have thus far. I appreciate the opportunity you are giving me to use my voice for not only supporting myself, but for you too.

THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

Criticisms are meant to help, not to hurt.

It took going through the Landmark Forum for me to realize that criticisms are not as evil as we all make them out to be. In the past, anytime someone would say something against what I wanted to hear, I immediately got angry. I would feel hurt, ashamed, and stupid...I took it to heart. I thought the person saying it was out to get me or WAS against me. I didn't understand that people who speak up do it because they care, not because they are being mean or insensitive. Of course, there is some "critique etiquete" (if there is such a thing) that should be involved and that is: One must be aware of how the message is being sent so the mistake that was made can be learned from.

Fourth Assignment

If you haven't already, acknowledge someone in your life that makes a positive impact on you. It may be difficult at first, but the joy you'll bring to them and watching their face light up in that moment, will be well worth the effort.

It's all about the honesty.

Up until now, I never knew where Gina was coming from. She is one of those people who comes off as a "know it all" or a "strong personality" and it's obvious why she is viewed that way. Everyone always goes to Gina for advice and it's not because she's smarter (she is VERY smart but that's no the point I'm trying to make), it's because she can see right through all the stories and all the bullshit. She tells us what we NEED to hear opposed to what we WANT to hear. She lifts our spirits high in order for us to succeed because she literally has that ability. She is strong and her honesty can be killer (what truth isn’t?), but in the end, it's what makes Gina "real" and I never got that. Now I do.

I need to take my own advice on showing appreciation: Gina- if you ever felt that you weren't appreciated, not saying that you did or do, then shame on us and I am going to take it upon myself and speak for everyone that you have touched: We appreciate everything you do and everything that you are. This is not intended to be an excuse, but if we have slacked on our responsibilty to let you know, I can only imagine the reason is we don't know how to give you what you have given us. You are an example, an inspiration, and a motivator. I am showing my appreciation by sharing with the world what a courageous and amazing person you are. It's your honesty that keeps us going and pushes us forward.

Emmitt had his third day of training...

I'm going to give the credit to Jill today. I took the dogs to Runyon Canyon after school and didn't get a chance to work with Emmitt. Jill filled in for me as she does everyday when I'm at work. Thank you Jill!

Then Show It

If you love them, let them know. If you appreciate them, acknowledge it. They are in your life because you wanted them to be. Take responsibility for that because we all know how good it feels when someone we care about tells us, "I love you" or "I appreciate you" or gives us a hug or a kiss when we least expect it. Don't deprive them of this gift that only YOU can give. They deserve to know just as much as you do.

My story: I was with my ex-husband for 4 years before we got married, so 5 years altogether. During that whole time, I feared to let him know how much I loved and cared for him. It was difficult for me to say it, let alone express it. He would always be the one to hug me, kiss me, and say, "I love you" first. He did everything first. I couldn't get up enough nerve to do it myself because it was out of my comfort zone, I was too strong for that, and it was something I just "didn't do." It was a good excuse to not do it. I thought that if I showed him how I felt, he'd reject me and I'd be left feeling vulnerable. I blamed him for our failed marriage for a long time. Now I realize that I, too, was to blame. I could've given him more of me but I was too selfish, wrapped up in my own insecurities.

My point: A strong person makes themselves vulnerable for the ones they love. A weak person refuses to be vulnerable.

Tags: relationships

I didn't feel like...

Yesterday, I didn't eat breakfast because I didn't have food. I felt sick. I didn't feel like going to the store...so I went anyway and now I have food AND I'm not hungry!

It's up to us to set the example.

Young children already have what we're all in search of. They don't judge, worry, or stress. They question you when they don't feel like something is right...good communication. They don't care what others think- they are themselves. They get mad for a minute but don't hold grudges. They get excited about the littlest things and are confident in everything they do. They know how to love and will continue to show it if they are given the chance. They are interested in learning and helping others because they know they can. They aren't afraid of life and don't hold back from the things they want to do. Children play the game of "life" and though they are young and inexperienced, they are the ones who are getting it "right."

I understand children now and I feel privileged for it. They amaze me everyday with the drive, motivation, and their will in doing the best they can. It's our job to make sure they keep on that path, not to forget what it feels like so they can function successfully as adults. We, as the examples, need to put our feelings aside and show the children how to live a happy life. They remember EVERYTHING...as we all know from our own stories we've created and lived by. If they see what we can do, they will remember that they can do it too.

Third Assignment

Previously, I was talking about how I keep challenging myself, to enforce the fact that it's me in control and not my ego. Here's your assignment: Anytime you have to do something and your mind tells you otherwise like, "I don't feel like it" or "I don't want to" or "I'll do it tomorrow," do it anyway. It's difficult at first because we're all so programmed to listen to our feelings. Like Walter said, "Don't believe what you think." It's a perfect statement and so true. If we all went with our intuition, we'd be unstoppable...all of us.

After doing this for myself, it's literally a game for me and I'm actually enjoying it. I'm challenging my ego and as soon as a negative thought enters my mind, I know it's time to go! Then, when I'm finished with whatever it was that I didn't "feel" like doing, I take a minute, look at myself, and laugh for being so stubborn and negative about the task because now I feel accomplished and proud. Who wouldn't want that feeling?

Passion and Happiness

I made a huge decision last year regarding my teaching career. I obviously did this before I began the venture I'm on. With that, I do have to take some credit for being "real" to myself.

As I mentioned before, I wasn't happy teaching...I never felt the passion even after 5 years of doing it. I have an out-of-state teaching credential, so in order for me to extend it...I'd have to go through a fifth year of school. I really thought about it long and hard, wondering if I was making the "right" decision. I decided that going through a fifth year, going into debt, for something I couldn't see myself doing for the next 25 years seemed wasteful.

Two weeks ago, I told my principal that I wasn't coming back next year. It felt great, especially now that I have a better understanding of what I want out of life- passion and happiness. I feel that passion and happiness with this blog. I'm constantly thinking of new ideas, what I can do to bring more traffic to my site, and writing. That's how I know it does exist in me. I will continue on substitute teaching until I figure out what I'm going to do next...and that in itself excites me to no end.

Emmitt had his second day of training...

He's already getting it!

HA!

I'm laughing at myself because OMG this doesn't sound like me! I never thought of myself as a deep thinker, but apparently I am. In fact, I find myself going deep in every thought I have now. Huh...who would've guessed? Not me.

Challenge #4

I am pretty picky when it comes to food. I normally don't like to try new things because of what I think the taste and texture will be like. So here is my challenge: The food that comes to mind when I talk about taste AND texture is sushi. I am going to try sushi for challenge #4. It could be this weekend or sometime next week, so when I do...I'll let you know what I think!

Conquering the Fear

I had anxiety all morning thinking about my last post. My stomach has been in knots because now people know what I've been hiding. Was it the right choice? What will they think of me now? Then it dawned on me that is was my fear talking. In order for us to succeed, we need to act on our fears. Fear is our alarm clock, telling us when to act and which direction to take to get closer to our "real" selves. That's what I did and though it was difficult, I was able to score a few points, setting myself up for the next phase in my game. Woohoo!

Playing the Victim

The intention of this blog is to help me and to inspire and motivate you. It took me a couple hours of thinking to push the "publish" button on this one. Should I share this part of me? Or should I keep it to myself? Should I? or Shouldn't I? Right then, I had a breakthrough: This is what I've always done. This is one detail of the victim I play. I am indecisive when it comes to certain situations because I'm too scared to decide what's best for me...I have to face my fear now and make this choice."

"I choose to share it- only because I told myself from the very beginning that if I'm going to do this, I'm going to DO this. This means sharing everything that is significant to my life change. If I'm strong enough to let the world see, then I'm strong enough to live for me. Undoubtedly, this is part of my process. Here's my story: I've known for awhile where my head has been all these years. It's not an easy thing to admit or even to fix. It means I have to give up something, a part of me that has been with me almost my whole life. It's time to let go of it...or else I'll never be the person that I want to be. I'll never have the happiness that I deserve. And, I'll never have the relationship that could make my life complete. It is the victim in me that keeps me from all of these wonderful aspects of "living." It's been my safety net, my strong suit that I hide behind. Three major surgeries, a loving family, and a scared little girl will do that to you. It was easy to take the victim role. If I have a problem or I can't do something, someone is going to fix it for me because I'm too fragile to do it myself.

Since the forum, I've never felt more "alive" and "real,"- it's been awesome. I wonder why I thought I needed to play the victim in order to survive. Hmmm...I guess I just answered my own question, "survival." I haven't been "living" all this time, I've been "surviving." Now that I know what I know, I will stay in control so I don't go hiding again.

I started Challenge #3 today.

My Border Terrier's name is Emmitt. He got his first real training today. It was actually kind of fun. We practiced healing on the leash, sitting when I stop, laying down and staying, and he was taught to "go to your place." I'm going to be practicing this with him everyday until my next lesson.

Never say you can't.

Saying you can't do something is only an excuse to not do it. You're capable if you're willing to put forth the effort. A good example would be a few of my students. For the most part, they try hard and do a good job. But, then there's those who struggle, who say they can't, and immediately give up because they don't want to do the work. Everytime that happens, I tell them, "If you say you can't do this, then you won't be able to. But if you say you can, then you will. All I want is for you to try your best." They sit down frustrated...some will cry and others will pout. Then, something happens when they see the other kids doing it and all of a sudden they are back to work and most of the time...they get it right.

Didn't feel like...

I've been trying to get back into the habit of waking up in the morning to go to the gym before work. I only did it twice last week. I didn't feel like rolling out of bed this morning to go, so I did it anyway...and now I have energy for the rest of the day!

Second Assignment

If you want something...go get it! If it's your favorite ice cream, go to the store. If it's a new pair of jeans, go to the mall. If you want company, go to your friend's house or have a friend over. If you want to be alone, go for a nice walk. If you want to be creative, draw a picture. If you're bored, go to a movie. If you want to lose weight, exercise. Right now, it's the little things that count for us and our journey to self-discovery because if we start taking the steps to fulfill our wants to make us happy, even if it's as little as buying a newspaper because we felt like reading, then sooner or later our wants will get bigger and we will know that we are in control of our own destiny.

A quick thought...

Celebrities get to be celebrities, because they are normal people who believe in themselves, which makes it easier for them to keep their word.

Single and loving it!

It was always so hard for me to be single. In fact, I think the longest Ive been single before now was only like 6 months. I was always afraid of being alone and feeling lonely. I needed that crutch in order for me to function properly. Isn't that how most of us think? We think in order to be happy, you MUST have that special someone in your life. Well, thankfully, I don't agree with that anymore. I am happier now than I've ever been and oh...I'm single. I'm having a blast hanging out with my friends, figuring out all the pieces that I want to play with for my next big game, and learning about myself. I'm relieved that I don't have to worry about who I'm going to be with and when. I'm relieved knowing that I am going to be at my best when that someone stumbles into my life. I'm relieved to know that whomever it is, they are going to be extra special because I wouldn't settle on anything less...I don't have to.

My first lesson on living in the moment.

One thing that I'm learning right now is how to live moment to moment. It's hard for me because in the past, I've always been very careful about where my money was going and it "trained" me to live in the future opposed to living in the now. My parents live in the now. Jill and Gina do too. They all have done so many amazing things, traveling to different places, and just making the best out of the earnings they all work so hard for. I used to be envious of that, but now I realize that I don't have to be. I make money, I can do it too.

I didn't make this a challenge for me, but I should've. Madonna tickets went on sale today and the three of us had our computers ready to purchase. I came across two AWESOME seats that were $350 each. I stopped for a minute to listen to my opposing voice, but I went with my intuition. I KNEW how much I wanted to see Madonna in concert (saw her last year and she was amazing, but our seats sucked!), especially since her whole CD inspires me everyday. The thought of me not going seemed ridiculous...I mean its only $350 compared to having the experience of listening to MADONNA, the "Queen of Being," and spending the evening with all my close friends. I pushed the purchase button and I had an adrenaline rush. It was exciting and I can't wait! I'm sure $350 will make it back to me in some other way.

My Racket

I'm writing this blog to share my life and experiences with you, to tell you that you're not alone in this humble quest. I'm constantly thinking about ideas to write about and what I'm going to say and after taking a strong look at what I've done so far, I've created a racket and here it is: I don't feel like I've been completely REAL with you because I've left out all the names to the people who are so important in my life. So here they are:
My mom and dad, Rainy and Ben. Jill is my twin sister and Gina is her wife, my sister-in-law. Kristen is my older sister who is married to Matt, my brother-in-law. They live in Ohio along with my parents. Michael is my new foster brother who lives with my parents. Calen, Carrie, Josh, Marisa, and Yuri are a part of my "second" family here in California. I have many other wonderful friends (you know who you are and I love you!), but I named the above because they are literally apart of my daily life.

Second Family

I wrote about how great my immediate family is. I didn't go into detail in my first mention of them, but I most likely will as I write more and more everyday. What I do want to talk about right now is family in general. I've heard many stories about terrible childhoods and family drama and I feel for those people because I can't relate and it's really not my place to offer advice or share my opinions for that reason. But, I do feel that I have a new approach for a happy family...a "second" family.

I, in fact, do have a "second" family because my immediate family does not reside in CA. I live with three of my family members and four live near by. I say this is my family because we support each other, spend a great amount of time together and would drop anything to help one another out...just like a family. I love them dearly and can't imagine my life without them. Our family formed because each of us has such high standards from friendship to just surrounding ourselves with good quality people. Some can look at it as us being too picky, bitchy or isolating, but the reality of it is we like to feel good about ourselves and by putting negative energy in the circle, that's a sure way to exhaust the success that we've created. We lift each other up and continue to grow stronger individually and as a group.

My point:If you are not happy with your own family and you choose not to participate in their lives for support, then turn to your circle of friends. Choose people that can take you higher than you are, support you when you need it, and push you when things get tough. Essentially, that's what a family does and that's why it's so important to be selective and aware when creating your "family" circle.

One step at a time.

I mentioned that I went hiking today and I realized something while I was huffing and puffing up the steepest hill at Runyon Canyon. Life transformation is like hiking up that steep hill. You stand at the bottom, look up, and wonder, "How am I going to get all the way up there without dying of exhaustion?" Then, without thought you take one step up, then another and another. Determination keeps your legs moving, even though your head is telling you to stop and take a break. The first several steps are the hardest, but then after awhile your body adjusts and the top of the hill gets closer and closer. Sure, there are some rough patches along the way, but that's only going to make you stronger, more conditioned to conquer that hill.

Finally, you make it to the top, your breathing heavy, your heart is pounding, and you're sweating up a storm. You look down at the hill that you just climbed and say, "Yeah, that was hard and painful but I'm going to feel good for the rest of the day."

Didn't feel like...

I haven't hiked in two weeks. I didnt feel like hiking today either, so I went anyway. Now I feel great!

Challenge #3

My Border Terrier is 7 months old and such a sweety! He's incredibly good and very smart for a puppy. If he is going to be in my life and I am going to be his mommy, it'd be silly for me to ignore his potential and not make him the best dog that he can be.

Here's my challenge: My sister is a very respected and an amazing dog trainer in Los Angeles. She does in-house training where she goes to her clients homes and teaches them how to train their dogs. She's very successful and luckily for me, I don't have to pay for those lessons so now it's time to take advantage of the free service. My challenge is to take 15-20 minutes out of my day to train my puppy. He will be going through boot camp for approximately 2 weeks or less, depending on how he takes to it all. I will then be registering him to take a "Good Citizen Certificate" test, which will basically say that he is trained. I've been slacking on this since I got him in November, so now I am putting myself to the test. Wish me luck and I'll keep you updated on his progress.

My family.

I got a call from my mom's friend yesterday evening and she left a lengthy and very sweet message. I haven't heard from her in a long time so it was good to hear her voice. She was saying how happy she was because she heard that I am in a really good place right now and that she loved me. And then she began recalling everything that has gone wrong in my life, in a good way, and how proud she is that I've been able to overcome it. Happy to say, I think my mom was bragging about me. I don't know how else she would've known all that she did otherwise. My mom loves me and she's proud...I love that!

I have the best family. I wouldn't have been able to do the things or go through the things I have without them. They impact my daily life, which inspires to keep pushing forward to improve myself and the situations around me. I am a lucky lady to have come from such a loving family like the one I have. Not many people can say that and that's why I feel a need to acknowledge it. To my parents, 3 sisters, 2 brothers, and my neice and nephew: I love you all to pieces!

Saturday Morning

I announced my blog yesterday to all my friends and family, and I must say this morning I'm feeling a bit shy about it. I'm not sure where that feeling is coming from, but fotunately for me, it is ONLY a feeling...doesn't mean its real. Before I really started thinking about how public I made Conclusion Blogger, I was SO excited and hellbent on doing it. It's funny how your train of thought can change just like that when nothing even happened to trigger it...it was all just me. Weird.

Challenge 2 - Success!

OMG! It was a success because I kept my word that I was going to stand up in front of all my seminar peeps and announce my blog. That's about all I can say about it being a success. How did I do you ask? Weeeellllll, that's another story...HA!

I purposely arrived early to read my book, to relax, and collect my thoughts for a bit. I obviously knew that I was going to be getting up in front of everyone to announce my blog and to pass out my postcards. This was a HUGE deal for me because though I'm a teacher, I am terrified of public speaking. 20 kids are a piece of cake compared to 65 random adults in a room...that'll scare the holy crap out of me and unfortunately that's exactly what happened.

Before we began the seminar, our coach asked if anyone wanted to share something and immediately my hand went up. I made a promise to myself to do this, so there wasn't even a thought about NOT doing it. There wasn't really any time to think because I knew what I had to do. I walk to the front and I'm feeling a little nervous, but not too bad yet. YET!

As soon as I looked at everyone, my heart started to race, my body was shaking uncontrollably, and I forgot what I was going to say. All my key points and reasons for starting this blog...GONE! I, then, went into panic mode, but was still able to spit some words out. I stumbled over my thoughts and then my words. I immediately felt like everyone was watching me shake and NOT listening to me speak.

After a few attempts to explain why I was up there, what my breakthrough was, and why I wrote this blog, it was finally over. Standing up there sharing MYself, MY thoughts, and MY new "project," was really hard for me and that's how I know it was a success...because I did it.

There's nobody to blame but yourself.

I am not going to take credit for the idea of THIS posting because it's my sister-in-law's thought and I am sharing it because I believe it to be true AND I have a story to go along with it.

How many times have you said to yourself or heard someone else say, "I hate living here!" or "I'm sick of this place!" or "This place sucks!"? Sound familiar? I'm sure it does. I've heard it from many and have admittedly said it myself. It's funny that we can be so blinded by ourselves that we take the time to blame our surroundings, where we live, or the people we are with for our unhappiness and not take the time to look at ourselves.

Here's my story: I got married in 2000, in the small town that I am from. We were both young and stubborn...two combinations that shouldn't be mixed together for a successful marriage. It was a tough year for the both of us, trying to adjust to our forced adulthood that we brought onto ourselves. Neither of us was ready to make that kind of commitment for different reasons and a year later it fell apart. I was crushed, confused and very scared. I blamed it on the town we lived in and most importantly, on him. I didn't and wouldn't take any responsibility for my unhappiness; therefore I proceeded trying to fix him and NOT myself. I became very dependent on him and felt trapped with no sense of who I was or what I was doing.

After a year full of sadness, anger, and resentment, I finally realized that I had enough. I couldn't take anymore and packed my bags and moved to California. Many have said it was a brave move, that I was a strong person to do that...but really, I wasn't. I was a weak person. I was running away from my problems and not facing what really was going on. People think that it was a hard move for me, but it would've been harder for me to stay. I took the easy route and unfortunately, I still had all my problems...even in sunny California.

My point: Life is what you make it and if you're not willing to take responsibility for yourself, then every place you live and everybody you surround yourself with are going to fail you anyway. So take a hold of what you have and make the best of it! I mean really...what can you lose at this point?

One of my successes...

In my last post I talked about how we all need to remember a positive story opposed to our negative ones in order to be a success. I thought of one of my own stories that I'd like to share because many will probably be able to relate.

In my first year of college, I was your typical student...drinking a lot, eating a lot, taking daily naps and occasionally studying. All of these activities soon caught up to me and before I knew it, I joined the Freshman 15 Club. Okay fine, it was 20 but that's beside the point. I felt terrible about myself, not only because of how I looked, but that I didn't care enough to better myself. I made every excuse in the world to not workout and to continue doing what I was doing. I didn't think I had the strength or the will to lose weight, so I accepted the fact that I was a "chub" and that was who I was from then on.

It wasn't until my Sophomore year that I realized things needed to change. I not only looked overweight, I FELT it mentally, emotionally, and physically. I didn't want to be ashamed anymore. I wanted to go on Spring Break and feel good about myself. I said enough is enough and I don't HAVE to live like this. I started out slow with exercising and changed my eating and drinking habits. The thought of me in my bathing suit really kept me motivated because I didn't want to be the girl who wore a whole outfit on the beach to cover myself up. I cut down my drinking to 2 nights a week opposed to the 5 that I was doing. I stopped the late night pizza deliveries and Taco Bell runs, and started grocery shopping for all three meals and healthy snacks. Eventually, I got up to running 4 miles a day and the weight started melting off. Every Friday, I would step on the scale and I averaged about a 1-2 lbs weight loss. It was an amazing feeling as my clothing size started to drop and I was wearing clothes I never would've thought I could fit in. People were taking notice, my self-esteem was improving and my life was suddenly changing. And, it was all because of ME. I did this. Nobody was to blame for my weight gain and nobody was to credit for my weight loss. I knew what I wanted. I knew how I wanted to feel. And, I knew what I needed to do to make it happen. I unknowingly made a possibility for myself and I kept my word! It's crazy to think what you can accomplish when you're ready and willing to accept that you hold all the power.

A quick story thought...

Think about a time when you wanted something so badly and succeeded. Can you remember how you felt when you first started to want it? What steps did you take to get it? How did it feel when you finally got it? Do you remember it? Good! I'm asking because stories are created by past experiences and/or events. People, including myself, have lived some type of story through our whole life just because of one small detail that happened. We put up these big walls and isolated ourselves for no reason but to let it rule everything that we do in this world. Why do we do this? Why do we ONLY remember our negative experiences and not the positive ones? I remember how I felt in a few successes that I've had and it felt AMAZING! Why not carry THOSE stories with me and leave the bad ones behind? That's what we have to do. If we MUST live a story like everyday people, let's choose one that is happy, with quality characters, and a good ending...

Thank you!

I just wanted to say thank you to my loving sister and sis-in-law for designing this blog for me. I love it! It's perfect and I couldn't be happier with the way it turned out. So here's to you ladies...THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!