"I choose...vacation."

You know that moment, when all that stress and anxiety disappears after finally making a choice? I felt that today when I made mine. I feel SO free right now! I'm living in the moment, it's such a great place to be. I'm not thinking about getting up early, going to work, or dealing with bad attitudes all day. Nope. I get to stay up late and sleep in (Depending on your definition of "sleeping in."). I don't have to see that school or deal with behavior problems for a whole month! I feel very present to it all and it's pretty amazing.

I'm fat

Well, not really, but I can definitely stand to lose some weight. Being an identical twin sister is hard when you are the fat one (I am just being funny, no need to feel bad). Jamie is a walking reminder of what I could look like, and well, it starts to wear on ya after awhile.

Before Landmark it was difficult to get me to go shopping, or even just to go out. Finding things to wear was such a chore...my god, I would cry everytime I had to pack to go to Ohio. It was a major problem and it impacted everything and everyone around me as well.

Don't get me wrong, I tend to exaggerate the extent of my puffiness -I can walk through doorways, I only need one seat in airplanes and movie theaters, I can even fit in Carrie's mini. It's more that I am at a point where I am very unhappy with my weight and being able to see what I could be day after day stings a little.

Landmark has made me realize what I need to do...I am asking Jamie to move out. HA! Just kidding, Jamie worked hard to get where she is today. I have always admired her dedication to her body. I am proud of her. We are the kind of identical twins that totally support eachother, jealousy and competition isn't an issue. Thank Dog! Heehee...Anyway, it's time for me to take action on the issue that has impacted my life for a good 10 years - my weight.

Most of the time when I diet and exercise I will lose 12 pounds (that is the standard for me) which will make me think I can eat what I want and will gain it all back. I have never exceeded 12 pounds. I am a walking roller coaster...a cute one at that.

So...with my new motivation on life, this is the task I am going to focus on in the next couple of weeks. It's time for me to get my act together and get to a point where I am happy.

My Success Story Since Landmark
On Monday, Gina and I went shopping. We dropped $1400 on clothes...it was much needed. Anyway, the entire experience was crazy because not only was I having fun, I was on my period which makes me even more bloated than I already am! It didn't matter, I was more focused on getting the clothes I liked rather than concentrating on the sizes. I would try on something, saw it didn't fit and would go to the next size without batting an eyelash. For you people that don't know me...that is like an episode in the Twilight Zone! It's unbelievable!

When we got home, I showed Calen all of my clothes and he said "Wow Jill, I really like this stuff, I didn't know you liked this style". My response, "I have always had this style, but I have been playing fat girl for years". It's true, I didn't allow myself to ever get anything new which made me feel gross and masculine...I am a lady god damn it! Now I am going to act like it. Thanks Landmark!

Tags: weight loss, clothes, twins, body image

Challenge #14

For number 14, my first vacation challenge, I will wash my car. I will wash it in my driveway, use my very own hands, wipe it down with my very own soap and towel. I don't like washing my car, so I'm going to do it anyway...

I'm on vacation.

I'm choosing to take the rest of my vacation. I originally challenged myself to work, but the circumstances aren't making it a possibility. There is no work for me and I vowed not to sub until July. Landmark teaches us how to live happily and stress-free, therefore; it would be going against my word if I chose money over my sanity.

I'm going to run with this opportunity and have some fun in the process. I will have lots of free time, so I will be creating more challenges for myself. I think this may be a good thing...

Vacation?

It doesn't look like I am going to be getting office work after all. I need to make sure, but if I'm right... looks like I'll be on vacation until July. I can't substitute teach, my heads not in it, and I don't want to get burnt out before I really have to start. It's disappointing but I know what's best for me and it's not babysitting these crazy kids right now.

Angry Boys

I got sucked into a subbing job today. It's a third grade class and once again there's no lesson plan. From the minute I picked up the class this morning, three students in particular already had it out for me. They had an agenda and it was to make my life difficult for the day.

When we got to the classroom, two boys immediately attempted to push my buttons. I told myself that I wasn't going to let them get under my skin, however, it's nearly impossible when they're calling each other "faggot", the "N" word, and fighting in the middle of the room. I couldn't help but to observe their anger. I could see right through their acts. It wasn't them talking...it was their parents, older brother or sisters, and/or guardians. These kids have already adopted a way of life that could set limits on them forever. They walk around with these negative attitudes that aren't even real. They can't be. They haven't had the experiences that would allow them to live those stories. These kids are getting it from the anger that surrounds them when they are home. They never got a chance to embrace the joy that life can bring and the love that can be shared. All they know is anger, disappointment, resentment, disrespect, and fear. How can we expect anything different? If they're treated like this at home, it's the only way they know how to be; which then brings more hate into this world as soon as they learn to survive. It's too bad they don't have anyone around to teach them how to live.

Tags: Teacher , Education , Student , Violence , Leadership

Wednesday Morning

I'm going into school today to see if they have work for me. This could either mean I'm working for the next month or I'll be on vacation until July. As I said before, I don't want to substitute teach yet so we'll see what happens!

Challenge #12- Update!

For #12, I challenged myself to learn everything I can about blogging. I've been reading, looking at different sites, and today I figured out how to tag my posts for Technorati. I haven't put my blog "To Do" list together yet, but when I do I'll keep you posted.

Oh THAT story...

My sisters and I used to spend our weekends with my cousins at my grandparents cottage in Lake Erie. Our neighbors were three "cute" boys who were in the same age range as us. One day, we were sitting around talking and all of a sudden, I felt this warm wet sensation on my leg. My damn dog was peeing on me! I almost died, I was SO embarrassed! Looking back, I didn't think it was funny...NOW I think it's hilarious!

Comin Out

When I realized I was gay, it was easy to accept. There was no denying that part of me, especially when it was all too natural living it. Jill went through it first, so I kind of piggy backed through her process. The hardest part for me wasn't the fact I was gay, it was sharing it with the people I love. Most of my coming out stories involved alcohol. I couldn't tell anyone without that liquid courage. I've painted myself as being perfect, so dropping a bomb like that was difficult. I just got out of a marriage to a man and Jill was still struggling with her own gay issues. I didn't know how to approach the conversation because either A.) People would think it was only a phase because of my bad marriage. Or B.) Jill is already gay, now there's two. How can they accept us both?

My story: In order for me to be happy, I needed to "come out" with it. Jill and I flew to Michigan, where Kristen lived at the time. My parents met us there, so we all went out for a night of drinking. I wasn't in a good place at the time because I felt like I was lying to everyone, which was true. My family and I are extremely close, so it really hurt to not be honest. I was keeping a life secret, which left me silent for a whole year. That's a long time to not share something that was so significant to me in my life. Of course Jill and Gina knew, but it was those who didn't live here that I was afraid of.

We were at the bar, drinking, and sharing our stories. I kind of sat there feeling unattached, fearful, and sad. I didn't know what to say because everything that was going on in my life was about me embracing my homosexuality. It was huge and such a big deal, but I couldn't share it. I tiptoed around my thoughts and my stories, being careful and fully aware of what was coming out of my mouth. It was exhausting and not a good moment to be in. I hated myself for my weakness of not owning up to my "real" Being.

My mom wasn't oblivious to me at all. Her motherly instinct told her something was wrong and she called me on it. She cornered me in the bar and asked me what my deal was. She wouldn't let me go until I "spilled" it and that's when I told her I was gay. Her reaction wasn't what I expected. She told me she loved me and wanted nothing more than for me to be happy. At that moment, she put her feelings aside and let me be Me. She saved me from being in-authentic and subconsciously encouraged me to live my own life. I'm forever grateful to have the mom that I do.

My dad was accepting of it as well. It didn't make sense to him at first, but why would it? I was madly in love with a man, married, divorced, and then his other twin daughter was already gay. He let me know that it didn't matter, that he didn't love me any less. He made every effort in the world to be comfortable with us both being gay and thankfully he succeeded. His support alone made all the difference in finding truth and honesty within myself. My dad rocks! He's my role model and my hero.

I've learned that having regret isn't a part of being truly authentic because it doesn't set us free. I get that and live it now, but I must say I felt regretful for a long time for not telling Kristen I was gay. She found out that same night and it really hurt her feelings. It wasn't so much of the shocking news, it was that I kept this secret from her. We were very close before I moved to LA, if not closer than my relationship with Jill at the time. If I could take it back and do it differently, I would...but I'm not going to dwell in it anymore. I made a mistake, she knew it, and still accepted my apology. Kristen is awesome. She really got what she had to do to accept us and to be a part of our lives. I know she wishes she could be more involved and not feel left out, but just by loving and accepting us is what makes our sisterly bond and friendship that much stronger. I hope she knows that because Jill and I both do.

It's sad to think that people can't accept others for being gay, especially when it's family. I don't know what that's like, but I can only imagine how tough it would be. If people would stop trying to dictate others lives instead of their own, it wouldn't be so difficult to accept. People are human beings that were born to love and if it happens to be somebody of the same sex...then good for them for being strong enough to find it. What kind of impact does being gay really have if we're all living authentically? It doesn't. I wish people would get that.

Tags: Gay , Lesbian , Acceptance , Coming Out , Love , Relationships




Well Well Well...

we meet again Conclusion Blogger, however, this isn't a comment...it's my first diary! I have been promoted from a guest to a writer! WOOHOO for me!

Allow me to introduce myself...my name is Jill and I am Jamie's twin sister. I am a graphic and web designer, a dog trainer and also on board with the alpaca business. I have a wife and two dogs that I absolutely adore and a cat that we love a ton but hardly ever see. Anyway, I completed Landmark almost a month ago and am really glad I did it. I feel it helped me a lot with my current issues and am really excited to go back for the advanced course. I will be an unstoppable human being when this is all over. Which...will be very new for me.

My goal for this blog is to share my personal experiences which will hopefully inspire others. I am also going to use this blog for selfish reasons. I feel it will be a good way to keep me in line by doing what Jamie does which is giving myself weekly challenges. Although Landmark has given me a new perspective on life, it's me who has to put it in action and well...I fear that I could easily go back to my old ways if I don't have some kind of pressure to live up to my word. This blog will be that pressure for me...in a good way.

Stay tuned!

Self-Expression and Leadership Program

The Landmark Curriculum consists of 3 parts:

The first one is the Forum, which was designed to get to the source of why we live the stories that we do. It teaches us how to be present and to accept ourselves for who we are, along with accepting the people around us. It creates the possibility to complete things in our lives that affects us from living a life full of happiness. Communication becomes a necessity for our own personal growth as well as the growth of our relationships.

The second part is the Advanced Course. After the forum, we gave up our stories and were left with a blank mind. We're feeling good and alive, but not entirely complete. The Advanced Course focuses in on the story that we can't seem to get rid of. Each forum graduate gets individual attention to get rid of the fear of being with people and being in group settings. We find our acts, which keeps us from being who we really are and stops us from doing the things we want to do. It teaches us how to work as a community, rather than it being all about "Me." We walk out knowing who we are and what our life purpose is.

The third part is SELP (Self-Expression and Leadership Program). This is the last part of the curriculum which will reinforce everything we've learned. We choose a project, something that will empower us, and work on it for 3 1/2 months. Each participant will be assigned a coach for support and to guide us in the areas where it's needed.

Marisa and I signed up for SELP in July and I can't wait! I'm choosing Accoyo! to be my project. Now that I have the tools to be successful, it will not be on the backburner anymore. I'm looking forward to putting my time and effort into Accoyo! because it's long over due. Accoyo! was a gift to us and I want to follow through with my committment. My Accoyo! challenges will be coming from SELP, so I'll keep you posted when they begin.

Tags: Life , Inspiration , Self-Empowerment , Leadership

Guest Writers

I invited Jill and 3 more guest writers to my blog. I think it's important to have others share their transformation as well. It creates new perspectives and different points of view, which is crucial in helping others along. Because it is so personal, I am not going to announce who they are unless they do so themselves. Just know that the experiences and stories they may share are ones that could benefit you; so be open to that instead of who is writing it. Thank you!

Everyone's doin it.

Josh has his graduation tonight. I'm so proud of him! It was a hard weekend, but he got through it. Julie signed up for the Landmark Forum yesterday. She's going the same time as Gina. I'm excited for them! Calen has his weekend coming up as well. He's going to love it! I believe Amee is the next one up for her transformation. Without a doubt, she'll do great!

I love that the people I care most about are taking this extraordinary journey. It's wonderful to be surrounded by people who genuinely care about their own lives and are taking action for happiness. It creates a life full of honesty, a stress-free circle because all the bullshit disappears and there's nothing left to do but to communicate with one another. In order for life transformations to succeed, it's important to have people around that are going through the same process. It's too easy to fall back into the same old patterns, especially when there isn't anybody around to understand what it takes to change. It's obvious to me how much I'm loved and respected for doing this. My friends took the time to observe and live my changes that they took it on themselves. I'm a lucky lady.

Tags: Life

Tuesday Morning

I didn't go to work today. I chose to extend my weekend one more day. It feels good that I have control of my own schedule, especially because I'm still getting paid for being on vacation. I'm going to jump back into my being productive mode today. I've been busy having fun and not getting some of the things done that I said I was going to do. I was living in the moment all weekend long, something that I've struggled with in the past. Now I know it's a new way of life for me and I'm grateful that I opened my mind to it. Thanks to all of you who were a part of my weekend. Good times!

Hiking

Josh, Calen, and I are taking the dogs to Runyan!

Sunday Night

Emmitt and I came back from Palm Springs last evening and went to have dinner with Josh. Sunday night is when the participants of the forum invite previous Landmark graduates, to celebrate the completion of their courageous weekend. It's an important night because right before dinner, the forum participants put all the pieces together they got from the weekend, which then forms their new perceptions. It's crucial to have other graduates around following this moment because sharing is how we actually "get" it. It gives the participants an opportunity to reiterate what they got, in case there is any confusion and to socialize with the "outside" world. After all, they've been in isolation the whole weekend. The graduates are there for support and to offer any insight that may have been missed. The forum has a strategic schedule that is significant in making our life transformations a reality.

I'm creating the space for Josh to share his experience when he is ready. I am adding him as a writer, so when he feels the urge to share...he can!

Spontaneity

I've never thought of myself as being spontaneous. I always go through a whole mental process before I choose to do something. I'm either afraid of what others will think or that I'm making a bad choice. Not anymore!

I was asked to go to Palm Springs only a few hours ago. Sue has a house there and it's her birthday. Marisa, Khush, Alex, and I are going to leave this evening for a night of fun and relaxation. Tomorrow we'll be hanging out by the pool in the hot desert sun. Emmitt and I are excited! He got a haircut, a new tank top (Yeah, I'm one of those moms!), and he's ready to go! Can't wait!

Saturday Hike

I'm going hiking with Mar-ass-a, Calen, and the dogs...yay!

"You are what you eat"

Remember that expression? It's so true. Anything we tell ourselves, we become it. Think about a time when you stopped doing something because it seemed too hard. Your voice probably told you, "I am too stupid for this. I can't do it." Then, you quit because that story seemed like reality. After all, you think you're "right" because you are the one saying it. It HAS to be true because nobody knows you like you do. Well, I'm here to tell you that it's not YOU telling you that. It's those negative thoughts and feelings that took over your mind, leaving YOU behind. You are being ruled by your ego, not your authentic self.

If we are being authentic, we wouldn't be thinking about ourself during a task. We would only be doing the task, to get it complete. We wouldn't be living a story of "I'm not good enough." "I can't love you." "I won't let you in." We would just Be and let things roll in the moment. We would be wearing the "I am powerful" thoughts because that's who we really are. When we're happy and authentic, we can do anything we put our minds to because we're telling ourselves that we can.

Tags: Life

AHHHHHHH!

OMG! These kids are crazy! I just walked them to recess and they literally took off running. They wouldn't stop. Then another kid started throwing a tantrum and got in trouble and is sitting down with his mom, who volunteers here. I told her he's not welcome back and I don't think she liked that too much. I don't really care...TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR CHILD THEN! He has to stay with her or sit in the office. I can't do anything but laugh at the situation. This class is out of control, no discipline whatsoever.

Boat Trip

It was one year ago when Marisa, Nichole, Raquel and I went camping over this long weekend. The trip started out rocky and ended in a complete disaster...literally. I came out of it really getting why life is precious and knowing that it can end in any moment.

My story: Marisa and I joined Nichole and Raquel on their camping/boat trip in Lake Isabelle last year. We went through several setbacks through the course of the weekend. On the first night, we couldn't find Nichole and Raquel for hours because there was no phone reception. Meanwhile, their boat rolled down a small hill and then they had to move camp twice after already setting everything up. On the second day, the wind was so strong, that the waves made boating more painful than anything. Our tent broke on the third day, after hearing about two young kids that drowned in the lake. Finally, to end our trip with a bang, the four of us were sitting in the boat to hide from the wind so we could play cards. We were making the best out of all the unfortunate circumstances that ocurred and before we knew it, we heard, "THE CAMPGROUND IS ON FIRE!" The four of us looked at eachother in shock. We thought, "No way can this be happening right now." Suddenly we looked up and there was smoke circulating in the sky. There were lines of cars stuck, attempting to drive out. This man tells us we have to leave, so we begin tearing everything down as fast was we can, loading it up in the truck. I'm throwing things in the back, things that I couldn't lift the day before. My adrenaline was rushing, my heart was pounding, and I am terrified that we're not getting out. We get in our vehicles, ready to go and then we're stopped by the fire blocking our way. The firefighters were working hard, cutting down trees, spraying the fire with their hoses, and extinguishing it from a plane. It was so surreal. As we began to plan which way we would run, the fire was put out. At that moment, I felt a sense of relief, a joy for life. I appreciated the men who saved us and let them know as we walked around observing the damage. It was a scary moment, one that I'll never forget.

Oh man!

There are several teachers out today, so I am stuck subbing for a second grade spanish class. I don't speak or understand it. OMG! I can't read anything in here either, not even their books. Ha! This is kind of funny. The teacher didn't leave a lesson plan. Gee, I wonder why LAUSD is so messy? Could it be that teachers don't care enough and are too lazy to take responsibility for their own absences? Man, that's unfortunate and sad for me today. I have no idea what to do with them and I don't know the second grade curriculum. I guess I'm going to have to get used to this for when I do start subbing. I'm sure he's not the only teacher that doesn't care enough to make the day smoother for me and their students. I always left a lesson plan for my substitute teacher, it's the only respectable thing to do when someone is filling in. Plus, the students actually like order in a classroom. They easily get bored and restless when there's nothing for them to do because their energy level is so high. This is will be an interesting day...

Good Morning!

I'm so glad it's Friday. Actually, it doesn't really matter because I feel like I've been on vacation. Today is the last day to help with the testing at my school. Hopefully, they will have work for me next week because I refuse to sub until I have to in July. I'll get burnt out with those crazy kids. I have to talk to my administrators today to see where I can help...I'm pretty sure they'll have things for me to do. Our elementary school is the second largest in South LA. It can get chaotic, especially towards the end of the year, so I'm sure they'll need my help...my fingers are crossed.

District

I did it, I resigned! It didn't take much effort either and now I have to wait for the substitute teacher package in the mail. The lady handling my request was super nice and easy to work with. I'm relieved that I got this done...yay me! Another task checked off my "To Do" List.

People

I went to a bar last night to see The Ditty Bops with Julie and her two friends. The place was packed with people, all there to see the show. I was so distracted by all the movement and loud chatter; I had a hard time focusing. Finally, when I began to settle down, I started to notice the wide variety of people there. Everyone was having a good time and I couldn't help but to observe how much I really like being with people. I love that first conversation with someone new, someone I would never expect to be talking to. Questions overwhelm my mind when I'm listening to their stories and I can't help but to ask them. Sometimes I wonder if I'm asking too much, but I guess they wouldn't answer if that were true.

In the past year, I've really noticed how genuinely interested I am in other people. I've talked about this before with my household, how annoying it is when people don't ask questions. I often wonder if it's a maturity issue, or if people just aren't that interested. Either way, it doesn't matter because I realize that it's not all about Me. I don't care anymore if people don't know what to ask. They could be shy or maybe I'm dominating the conversation with my own questions. Even though, I do have stories and blah, blah, blah; nothing is better than getting to know someone new. I love it! It's like a game, trying to find out all the pieces in order to make a new friendship or relationship successful.

Tags: People , Life , Curiosity , Relationships

Resignation

I'm finally accepting the fact that I still need to go to the district to resign and get rehired as a substitute teacher. I've been procrastinating because I dislike going there, it's a hefty parking fee, and paper work is never fun.

My new perspective: Yay, I'm resigning! I've been waiting for this moment for two years now. The process will only take as long as I make it, so I'm going to get it over with. This is an exciting new chapter in my life, so it's time to own it, feel good about it, and get it done! I'm going right after school today.

Challenge #13- Oops!

For challenge #13, I was to wake up three times this week before work, to go to the gym. It's already Thursday and I've only gone once. I didn't succeed in this challenge, but it doesn't mean that I can't for next week!

Morning Conflict

Should I or shouldn't I go to work today? That's what voices I woke up to this morning. I had another late night, so I'm exhausted and fortunately I have the choice on whether to go or not. I know...lucky me. Hmmmm? Okay, I'm going! Easy money and easy day. I need to take advantage of this situation I'm in. After all, if I went to bed at my normal time, I'd be going without a doubt. Sometimes NOT getting enough sleep is an unacceptable excuse and I know I'd feel that as the day goes on. Mr. Coffee, here I come!

Acceptance

Acceptance is a solution for everything. Think about a time in your life when you had to accept someone for who they are. Those negative feelings suddenly disappear and our mind goes blank. We are freed from our thoughts, which in turn relaxes our mind, our body, and our soul. I can apply this to so many different aspects of life, but for this post it's about accepting those annoying tasks and situations we ALL have.

Think of it like this: Instead of dreading a situation or being annoyed of a task, what if we accepted it for what it was? Let's try this on for a moment. It's the day before that wedding we've been dreading to go to for the past month. We walk up and down the aisles of the department store, aimlessly shopping for that annoying outfit we don't have the money to buy. We're driving ourselves crazy, thinking about how we don't want to go and making excuses to how we can get out of it. All the clothing looks like fabric and it's all seemingly the same. Suddenly, we stop right in the middle of our thought filled rant and say, "This isn't helping me. It's making it worse. I mind as well accept the fact that I have to go to this wedding tomorrow." Bam! All the negative thinking...gone! All the anxiety...gone! All the frustration...gone! Then, we look around for that outfit again and things appear to be different, colorful, and are standing out for a try. We choose something pretty and the excitement encircles our mind that we get to dress up tomorrow. The money doesn't seem to be an issue anymore, after all we have to wear something and we still have that store credit from months before. We go home feeling great because now we have something to wear and we don't have to think about it again...all because we finally accepted the situation for what it was.

Tags: Motivation , Success , Life , Anxiety

Live in the Present

When I write about being present, there is a state of mind that I'm referring to. It's the state of being, having an empty mind where nothing is everything. I know it doesn't make sense if you haven't been through the Landmark Forum or any other type of self-improvement seminar or training. So I am going to try to explain it the best I can.

Think about a time when you've been really focused on something, where nothing else mattered to you in that moment. It could be anything like grocery shopping with a list, listening to the words in a song, reading a book, looking at pictures and/or art work, working on a project, watching TV, etc... Can you recall the silence, the absence of anxiety and stress, and/or the feeling of total concentration? That's what happens when we are being present. We don't hear those little voices saying, "I can't do this." "I am fat." "I am lazy." "I am stupid." "Her outfit is ugly." "He is annoying." Instead, we are focused on the words being said, the actions that are being taken, and the people around us. When we are present, we're not living in the past or the future, not thinking of anything; only what's in front of us NOW. Our feelings are not dictating our actions and our self image is not a concern. Living in reality is the act of being present.

Tags: Enlightenment , Spirituality , Courage , Mind , Body , Soul

Being Courageous

Josh has the Landmark Forum this weekend. I can't wait for him to go! He's all about personal development, so I know he's going to love it. He said he's excited, but scared. I think it's good that he has those feelings because he'll be more open and willing. It'll become less scary the more he dives into himself, which will then make it easier for him to deal with what he needs to for his transformation.

Being afraid combined with taking action is what it means to be courageous. Josh is about to do something that will be extraordinary to his life and to the people around him. He's choosing a path that is not followed by many because it is a scary and difficult process. From the moment Josh signed up for Landmark, he subconciously began to learn about the courage he has within. His fear would only stay as a feeling, but by taking action he became courageous. He 's not letting his feelings stop him from being who he wants to be and I am so proud of him for that.

A Helpful Tip

Whenever you go to a big concert like Madonna, make sure you're in the right seat. If you're not, be unreasonable.

My Story: Josh and I had tickets together. I paid for half of his (expensive) for his birthday, with the intention that we'd get good seats. As we were trying to find them, we just kept getting closer and closer to the stage. I was having an adrenaline rush just by that alone. We found our seats and holy crap...these seats rocked! I was SO happy.

It was probably three songs into the concert, Madonna was just about to sing my favorite song, "Jump," from her new album. These two women came shoving through the crowded aisle, causing all this comotion, getting in my face and telling me that we were in their seats. Josh and I knew they were wrong, we were so sure of our seats when we sat down. They continued questioning everyone around, completely interrupting the show for us. At one point, Josh turns to me and says, "Just ignore them and watch the show. It's not worth you missing this!" At this point, the moment was ruined. We kept telling these ladies, along with the others sitting next to us, that they were in the wrong section. They kept waving their tickets in our faces and wouldn't listen. After an annoying 10 minutes of arguing with them that they were making a mistake, they finally realized they needed to move. They briefly passed by us and apologized nonchalantly. They obviously felt pretty silly, putting up a fight like that and turning out to be wrong. Humiliating really. I understood they were just trying to find their seats...they also paid a lot of money. But, they weren't listening to what we were were saying. We were ALL telling these women they were wrong and they continued to argue with us. It was weird.

My point: When we choose our arguments, we need to be wise about it. We need to make sure we have all the information, to validate the righteousness of the claim. If the argument is frustrating and seems to have no end, stop and re-evaluate the situation. We may find that it was our mistake and not the other person.

YAY!

Madonna was amazing and our seats rocked! That's all for now...I'm going to bed.

Old Friends

Madonna is tonight...Woo Hoo! Calen is being the nice guy driving us so we can relax and have a good time. David and Cle are coming too. We love them. We haven't seen them in awhile and since we went to her last concert together, we thought we should do it again.

David and Cle have been together for about 5 years or so now. They are the best. We've spent a lot of time together and have been through a lot. They are the type of friends that we can pick up where we left off. It's great! We always have such a good time, laughing and making jokes. We'll go through spurts of seeing each other regularly, but then we'll take breaks unintentionally. It just happens with the crazy lives that we all live. I know if we ever needed anything they'd be there. That's why we love them and are always excited to hang out. We're lucky to have these two wonderful guys in our lives, in fact we feel special because of it.

Happiness = Empowerment

I feel really powerful today. I'm not sure what clicked with me within the last 24 hours but something did and it's awesome. I've lacked this feeling for almost two weeks now, so it's really good to have it back. I feel present and in the moment, which makes it possible to shut those voices up to just be "Me." I am full of energy, almost like I'm bouncing off the walls, and I feel that I have a lot to contribute today. Nothing is going to bring me down because the only one that matters in this moment is "Me." I have control and I want to be happy so that's what I'm doing. It seems like a huge statement, like it isn't possible to JUST be happy because I want to be, but that's really how simple it is. If we choose to be happy and make it a possibility, then we'll own it and live it just like we would if we're sad and depressed. It's easier to take the negative route because human beings are programmed that way. Finding happiness rewards us with the power of living an exciting and fulfilling life. It opens our eyes to new opportunity in a world that we've never noticed before. It's a dream that takes place in reality and it's one that we can all choose to live.

Tags: People , Life , Love , Happiness , Self-Empowerment ,

Sleepy

I'm so tired this morning. I didn't fall asleep until after midnight because my mind was on overdrive. I was restless, not being able to turn my voices off and then my internal alarm clock getting me up at 4:45 this morning to go to the gym was in play. I tried to fall back asleep but that didn't work very well either. Now I'm even more tired. Damn, where's my coffee?

The beauty of sharing.

I feel fantastic tonight! After school today, I met up with my friend, Sue. She took me to this amazing bookstore, one that I will be visiting often, and then treated me to a cup of coffee and an "authentic" conversation. Sue is a wise one. She's been working on herself for several years and really "gets" how to be present. She can accept things for what they are and not take anything personally. I loved listening to her words and taking in what she had to say. We will definitely be hanging out more often...she is the type of person that already has a positive impact on me and my personal growth. I really enjoyed myself this afternoon.

Then, I came home and Jill's friend, Juleen, was over visiting. They met in the Landmark Forum and kept in touch since. I briefly met her over that weekend, but really didn't get a chance to converse with her. I asked her how she's been since Landmark and she immediately lit up. Even though I didn't know her before Landmark, I could see the impact it already made on her life and how passionate she felt sharing it. It was awesome to the point where I "got" the excitement again. I have this feeling that we'll be seeing her more often...it was too natural of a meeting to think anything different.

Finally, I went to meet with my seminar group. At first, I was disappointed that I had to leave my house; but when I arrived my attitude changed. I saw Etty and Cesar standing outside of the building and I felt a sense of joy as I got out of my car to meet them. We walked up to Wanda's apartment and Walter was hanging out waiting for us. We immediately went into conversation and it felt productive, more than it has been for me in awhile. Everyone had so much to say, so much to share and we were all genuinely interested on what was going on in each other's lives. We may not have had the answers for one another, but by sharing what we did, I believe it'll come to us. In fact, on the drive home for me...I feel as though I may have "popped" again. I have so much energy right now, so much happiness and it was all because of 3 "real" conversations I had today. That's amazing.

Thank you to everyone that shared with me today. I really needed that.

Breaking The Habit

One thing I really wanted to change about myself was my justified use of procrastination. I used to put things off until the very last minute, which would turn into a complete freak out because I'd be so pressed for time. For some reason, I thought procrastinating helped me because it would keep me from doing all those annoying things I didn't want to do. I never stopped to think that I still had to do it, that I was prolonging my suffering, and it left me living the story that I was lazy and incapable.

Procrastination is not our friend. It seems like the answer at the time, due to those battling voices in our heads, but in reality it's just a form of laziness. People say there's not enough time, but that's just another excuse not to do it. EVERYONE has the same number of hours in a day. Why is it that some can find the time and some can't? Gee, one can only imagine...

I'm still guilty of this and I'll be the first to admit it. I AM working on it though. I've started to make "To Do" Lists independent of this blog. It keeps me focused and I can mark off as I go. It's actually a great tool to use and satisfying, especially when you're trying to break a life altering habit like procrastination.

Tags: Procrastination , Productivity , Habits , Laziness

Self-Love

Self-love is the most important love to have. If we don't have it, then all of those negative feelings and emotions eventually come out in one form or another. Making undeserved judgments on people is a perfect example. Anger and acting it out towards other people is another. If human beings accepted and loved themselves, our world would be meaningless, empty, and joyful. People would take responsibility for their lives instead of telling others how to live. We would be able to have great conversations, without offending someone for having a different point of view. We would teach and learn from each other, something that is so needed in our world right now. Acceptance would be like riding a bike, we wouldn't have to think about why we should like or dislike a person. Arguments would be settled in a short amount of time opposed to days, months, and/or years because criticism would be seen as a personal growth tool and not taken personally. We would be forgiving, not holding grudges because we'd understand that people make mistakes...we're all human. We'd trust each other and violence wouldn't be accepted. Working together to make our communities great and successful would be a reality. We would accomplish anything we put our minds to, even if its as big as changing the world. After all, one person can make a significant difference...remember Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.? He had self love, a vision, and found people who would listen.

If we want and expect our world to change, to be happier and peaceful...it needs to start with us, as individuals. We need to find our own self-love in order to give it to others.

Tags: Love

Monday Morning

I went to the gym this morning! I feel great and I'm not sure why it's such a struggle at times. Going to the gym in the morning has been difficult for me for a couple months now. If I'd only remember THIS feeling...it'd be an easy task. It wasn't difficult getting up either...probably because I literally jumped out of my bed so I wouldn't get sucked in by the warmth, comfort, and my lazy little voices telling me not to get up. I even got to school a half hour early. Not that I wanted to do, but it's an old habit and the only thing I know right now. One of these days, I will have a new routine that follows a schedule like I used to have. I like having a routine. It's the only way I know how to get to the gym in the mornings and get ready for it at night.

Challenge #13- 1 day down...2 to go!

Read about taking action:

I've realized how important it is to take action after going through a life transformation. It's the only way to learn how to live the way we want. It may be difficult and unfamiliar at first, but it is a part of the process and journey. We can't sit and wait for things to happen, nothing will ever get done. We need to condition ourselves with the thought that we are in control of our own destiny. We choose what will make us happy and follow it by the action that will take us there. Nobody can do it for us, therefore, taking action is our own personal responsibility as a human being.

I stumbled across this article, "Doing Without Doing." It's about taking action with a new approach.

Here's another article, by Steve Pavlina.

Spiritual

If you're into spirituality, check this site out: Explaining a Spiritual Experience.

Down Time

I think it's important to have down time. It gives us the opportunity to reflect, to be with ourselves, and to rest. People who overload their schedules, don't usually get a chance to settle down, enjoy the people around them, and could miss out on crucial moments of their own personal growth. That's why I don't like to be super busy. It stresses me out because I like to enjoy and observe the things around me and not feel rushed or obligated. I like the sense of freedom I have when I come home from work and I can collect my thoughts and get the little things done that tend to hang in the air. Of course, we'll always have those crazy weeks, like the one that's coming up for me, but it'll be over because that's not the way I like to live.

Busy Week

I made myself get up this morning. I don't know why I'm so tired. Anyway, I was sitting in the movie theater last night and suddenly realized my schedule for this upcoming week. I literally have plans every single night...so unlike me. I started to feel a little anxiety for it because I have a lot on my challenge "To Do" List as well. I guess all I can do is my best.

A Recap and A Challenge

Okay, I need to write this out so I can see what I have left to do. I don't want to overload my plate full of challenges. My "To Do" List:

1. Train Emmitt for phase 2.
2. Accoyo! Inventory
3. Work at my school over vacation. (Week 1- Success!)
4. Learn everything I can about blogging.

Yeah, this will keep me busy for awhile. I am going to add one more challenge as well. For Challenge #13, I will wake up before work and go to the gym at least 3 times or more this upcoming week. I've been slacking on this and I really dislike going in the afternoon. I tried it once this week and it was terrible.

5. A morning workout 3 times this week.

Feel free to post your challenge for the week. Again, I've created this space for me and for YOU.

Challenge #12

I want this blog to be my project. Since I feel so passionate about it, I want to make it the best that it can be. For challenge #12, I am going to learn everything I can about blogging without asking for Gina and Jill's help (This is new for me). I don't have a "To Do" list yet, but when I do I'll post it. I've already found a few good articles and a couple web sites to start. I'm excited for this challenge!

Good Morning!

I love Saturday mornings. The freedom I feel when I roll out of bed is like no other. No work. No plan. No alarm clock. Just a full day of nothing, doing what I feel like doing at the moment. I will probably go hiking and run a few errands. Marisa and I will be getting together at some point today and that's all I know. I love that!

Madonna

The concert is Tuesday and I can't wait!

Thank you!

I am really flattered that all of you keep coming back to my blog. There could be many different reasons why you do; but in the end, I'm touched that you're listening, reading my stories, and being so open to the content. You may agree or disagree with what I have to say and that's okay because that IS the point. To me, whatever opinion you may have, it just means you're applying something I've said to a moment in your life and that's the purpose I had when I started writing. So thank you and I hope you continue on this journey with me.

Well said...

"When was the last time YOU had a chance to focus on YOURSELF for 36 hours straight? That's what the Landmark Forum is about." -A Forum Graduate

A Life Transformation

I've said this many times, how hard a life transformation is. The only way one would know is if they went through it themselves, so I'll let you in on why it's so difficult.

First, we have to figure out what it is that we want to change about ourselves. It can be anything like being more motivated, stop procrastinating, being more loving, etc... It sounds simple, but when we're being completely honest with ourselves, some ugliness will be uncovered and that's what I call a "hard" truth. If we're not willing to be honest, then a life transformation cannot take place. It just won't work.

Second, in order to focus on where the changes need to be made, we must dig deep within ourselves. Most of the time we don't know what specific story it was that made us the way we are. It's easy to dismiss that thought, but when you think about it, it totally makes sense. For instance, I grew up thinking I wasn't as smart as Jill because of an unhappy face I got when I was 5. I lived that 5 year old story all the way through college because I never knew that was the reason. Another story I told was about my scars. I've been ashamed of them all these years because of how Jill and I were told apart when we were young. I carried that with me and still til this day, I am shy about them.

Third, any relationships (parents, siblings, love, or friends) that aren't complete need to be completed. Whether or not we think those old relationships affect us anymore, they actually do. Think about all the grudges we hold, the regret we have, and/or the sadness and anger we have towards other people. Those relationships are not complete, because those emotions do not clear our minds or set us free. We reach our own freedom when those emotions and feelings are not holding us back from life.

Fourth, we have to learn to be accepting, to be proud of who we are, and to forgive ourselves for any wrong doing because these are the bodies we will have forever. If there's no inner love, then the process is impossible.

Finally, after we target everything that is listed above, we have to "live" it. This is the hardest part. We must control our inner voices, stop living by our egos, be present to every moment, be as authentic as we can be, work hard for it EVERYDAY, and never give up. I've talked to many after completing just the Forum alone and I've found that a few think they've been fixed after one weekend. That's not a realistic assumption and that's why I immediately began reading self-improvement and spirituality books. It takes a whole lifetime to get where we want to be so in order for us to not fall back into those old patterns, we have to be willing to commit forever.

Tags: Mind, Body, Soul, Landmark Education, Life, Personal Development

Emmitt's coming home!

I missed sleeping with Emmitt last night. He comes home this morning and I can't wait. That little guy is such a huge part of my life now...he's my baby boy. I love when I come home everyday, he's so excited to see me. I know usually all dogs are with their owners, but I like to think I'm special...haha! I am to him anyway and that's all that matters. He loves everyone else too. Jill, Gina, and Calen all have a special place in their hearts for him. It makes me feel good, because I feel the same with their dogs, Quinn and Riley. Quinn and Emmitt are best friends. Picture a HUGE 90 lb. Doberman palling around with a 8 lb. Border Terrier...it's super cute! Quinn was depressed last night too that Emmitt wasn't here. I came home after my seminar and she put her head in my lap while I pet her. We all want him back NOW! He's very loved and missed here.

Great Conversation

I just had a great conversation with one of my favorite teacher friends, Mrs. Robinson. She's retiring this year and she's looking forward to it. We talked about Landmark and what it has done for me. Then she went into her story about when she realized she needed a life change.

Her story: She was 35 years old, when she realized her life wasn't the way she wanted it to be. She was constantly doing things for other people and not taking care of herself. She went through the whole transformation process on her own and finally realized that if people can't accept her for who she is then, "Who cares! I don't need them anyway," she says. Now she lives the life that she set out to do. She's retiring, traveling, being with friends, and still happily married. She loves feeling independent and does whatever it is that she feels like doing. She's learned a lot over the years and now there's nothing else for her to do but play.

Mrs. Robinson is lucky to have found herself so early on. So many go through life, unaware of who they really are and miss out on the "living" part. Those people are the ones who die angry, sad, regretful, and/or alone. Life has so much to offer. It's too bad people don't realize what they are passing up because they are too afraid to look at themselves. Even though it's been a difficult process, I'm thankful I chose this path.

A New Game

Last evening, during a conversation I had with Calen and Gina; I realized why this week has been so difficult for me. Everything that has defined me over the years, about who I am, has suddenly disappeared all at once. I'm not a teacher anymore. It's not Jamie and her anymore. I'm not a victim. I'm not perfect. I'm completely free of everything that held meaning to me and now I'm back to square one. When I think about it, it's exciting! There's no reason to fear this awesome opportunity I have to re-invent myself. This is what I've been waiting for and I'm ready to play...how fun!

A Seminar Racket

I have a Landmark Seminar tonight. I'm so over them because I don't feel that I'm getting anything out of it. Our leader is great, my group is wonderful, but I don't care for the drive anymore and the seminar topic isn't one that I need at this point. I feel that I handle my breakdowns and breakthroughs appropriately, especially with the support system that I have at home. I'm kind of annoyed by it, which is a racket that I'm aware of. It's just a long 3 hours to sit when there's nothing to benefit from. There's 2 things that keeps me going. My integrity is the first one because I made a committment from the beginning when I signed up. (Ten seminars are included with the Forum. They aren't mandatory unless you choose to go. ) The second one is my group because I love and I also made a committment to them as well. This will be the 7th one...3 more to go after tonight.

Emmitt

Awww...Emmitt goes to the vet this morning to get neutered. I feel so bad because I can't give him food or water. He's a hungry little guy so this is a big deal...my poor baby! He has to stay over night...yuck!

I'm back.

Whoa! I believe I was just playing the "2 Day Shame Game." I tried the victim role on and went with it. It sure didn't feel good and it didn't do anything for my personal growth. I wonder if I just missed it and felt like I had to play it one more time? I don't know, but it's funny thinking about it. The mind is so powerful. Oh, the games we play with our selves! I'm done "acting" now...I'm ready to be "Me" again.

Fear

I'm sitting in a crowded room, I glance over and my eyes are met with something special. I go back and forth on whether to approach her, thinking of all the reasons why she will reject me. I forget about all the wonderful things that I possess and all the great things I can give her. I forget that she could be the woman I've been searching for, the woman that I've only imagined myself with. Before I know it, I'm leaving the room and the one chance I had for true love is gone...all because of FEAR! Sound familiar?

Fear is what stops us from doing, seeing, and growing. Fear takes on so many different forms in life and sometimes we don't even know it's there. I fear to try new things because I'm afraid to fail. I fear to talk to people because I'm afraid of what they think of me. I fear looking for a new job because I don't want to leave my comfort zone. I fear to let go of old relationships because who else is out there for me? I fear to let someone know how I feel because they may reject me. Huh!?! Really!?! I'm going to let all of these wonderful things pass me by because I'm scared? That would be cheating myself from living a life of happiness...the reason I'm here. My goal is to get a new perspective on my own fears and start doing what I want to do. I don't want to live in fear anymore...it's not free.

Tags: Fear, Courage, Mind

I know what it is!

All my life, I've been impatient. I always thought I had to have things all figured out and at this point in my life, I don't. In fact, I don't think I've ever been this free, to do what I want and enjoy each moment that passes by. This week has really opened my eyes to that. My school year is OVER and because I'm choosing to work, it doesn't seem as surreal as before. My ex-girlfriend and I freed each other up yesterday, so now I really feel alone. I don't have anything negative going on in my life and I'm not attached to anything, so now what? I think I'm overwhelmed. I don't know what to do with this newfound freedom and it freaks me out. I should embrace it. I went searching for this moment and now that it's here, I'm pushing it away. Why? I'm scared. I'm scared of the unknown and this whole new world that has opened up right in front of me. I shouldn't fear it. I should be excited and proud for getting myself here because it's where I wanted to be...end of story.

Yucky Feeling

I can't shake this feeling that I have today. It's in the pit of my stomach, almost like I did something wrong. I have anxiety and there's no good reason for it. I've been keeping busy all morning here, so it's not like I'm wasting time or energy. I'm working for extra money, during my vacation so I'd think that should make me feel good about myself...but I don't. Where is this feeling coming from? I can probably pinpoint it to a couple things but if I do, I'd dwell in it. I'll just ride it out and see where it takes me.

This week has been weird so far...I hope it gets better by the weekend!

Thoughts before work.

Ahhhh...the beginning of a new day! That's what I love about living in the moment, we have a bad day and then it's over. I'm feeling good this morning...better anyway. Of course that tiny little voice is trying to tell me different, but I know things are the way they are because that's how I intended them to be. There still may be a little sadness here and there, but who wouldn't expect that? I'm only human, still with many feelings and emotions. Unfortunately, they will never go away so it's how I'm going to deal with them is what matters now.

My Schedule

Okay, so I only have my lunch break to write everyday...as far as I can tell anyway. So that'll be it during the day unless I'm able to squeeze a thought or two in between testing groups. We'll seeeee!

Light Switch

Awwww, Gina...always workin her magic. Not magic...perception. Landmark taught me the tools and Gina always knows what to say to put them to use: I didn't lose anything...we're still friends and that's what matters the most. I got that! I feel SO much better!

It's too bad I didn't get it on my own, but I guess it's all part of the process. Landmark showed me how to get through the emotion (breakdown) and that's what I needed to do before I talked about it. I'm so lucky to have the support I do at home, I couldn't have gotten this far without them. It's important to have "real" friends around for that reason alone. I imagine that's why I encourage Landmark to people because I want them to have what I already do...a solid group of family and friends who "get it" now.

Keepin Busy

It felt good getting things done that I needed to. My backyard is mowed and the women's sweater and top inventory is complete. It's amazing how productive I can be when I'm not feeling at my best. Huh. Go figure.

No more of that!

Normally, I would dwell in my sadness and think about how many ways I could feel sorry for myself. It would always make me feel worse, but for some reason I accepted that tactic for being okay. That's not okay. Why would I want to feel worse than I already do? Why would I sit here and tell myself how crappy my life is when it's not AT ALL crappy? I have a great life! Something happened today and I have to deal with it, just like everything else. It doesn't mean my life is over. It doesn't mean that everything has changed. I still have my friends and family. I still have my cute and adorable dog. I still live in the best living situation that anybody could possibly ask for. AND, I'm still Jamie trying to sort things out.

I think today's news could be a true testament for me. If Landmark really did change my life, I will get through this and I will be a better person for it.

Now I'm off to do either some yard work or inventory to keep busy. This is a tactic I've never used before...I'm used to curling up in a blanket and crying myself to sleep. I'll let you know how it goes.

Tuesday's Open Book

It's all yours...

Emotional

I'm very emotional today. I guess that will happen when it's finally time to let go of someone who has been a huge part of my life. I didn't think it'd be this hard, but everything is if it's the right thing to do. Nothing but good will come out of this, I really believe that. I need to put my selfish feelings aside and be happy for her. It's not going to be easy, but if we want our friendship to move forward, then it's time to face the challenge. It may take awhile, but it always takes getting used to new situations in order for us to enter that comfort zone again. She deserves nothing but the best and I believe she may have found her.

Tuesday

I'm working tomorrow, so I don't know what my schedule is or when I'll have the time to write. I'm pretty sure I'll be working a full school day, and I know I have to go the the district at some point this week to resign and re-apply for a substitute teacher position. I'll see how the day plays out for me and check in when I can. Happy Tuesday!

Emmitt's Training

I just made an appointment for Emmitt to be neutered on Thursday. I've been slacking on his training like I mentioned before, so I am going to train him tomorrow and Wednesday. Hopefully he won't be tied up for too long so I can keep my word and he can be the best dog ever!

Lesson 1- Procrastination and excuses only prolongs the unwanted challenge.

Check this out!

I came across this web site a little while ago and thought it was cool. I stumbled acrossed it again today and now I want to share. Click on this: Right Now.

Don't Force It

I previously stated that I wasn't feeling creative this morning. I chose not to sit here and force it because my writing will lack substance. I think that applies to life as well. When we force something that isn't ready, the end product may not be as good or genuine. It also can build up a good excuse to quit or not follow through with our word. If we force our selves to work out and diet when we're clearly not in a position to succeed, than it makes it easy to say, "Hey, I didn't want to do this in the first place." Bam! Right back into that vicious cycle of going against our word, feeling hopeless, and living that story that we're incapable. If we force a relationship that isn't working, usually it brings unnecessary resentment and anger to the table, rather than happiness and joy. If we force someone to do something they are resistant to, the end result could be detrimental and we'd be left feeling regretful, disappointed, and sorry. I think when things are ready to happen...we just know. Our intuition is our message that it's time to take action and that's when we should proceed.

Runyan

Yay! We went to Runyan this morning...just got back. It felt great to be outside and to be active. I was going to go to the gym afterwards, but I chose not to push myself so quickly. It was hard enough hiking up that big hill!

Monday's Open Book

Take it away! I'm not feeling very creative this morning. Hopefully after I snap out of my funk, words will come to me...

Ahhhhh!

Man, I still have a cough and it's terrible. It kept me up all morning. Being sick isn't fun...the energy level is low, which turns into not being very productive, then the lazy feeling sets in. I don't like it. It doesn't make me feel good and I haven't been to the gym in over a week. This is a new feeling for me. Before Landmark, I probably would just be sick and not put so much thought into it; but now I'm impatient to get better. It's my racket, I know. And to make things worse, I got everyone else in my house sick. They are all staying home today...oops! I'm annoyed in any event and I'm venting...so thanks for listening!

Challenge #11- Update!

I start working at my school tomorrow. I'm so happy I don't have to substitute teach yet. Hopefully they'll have enough work for me to do to last until the end of June. I can't imagine them not since it's almost the end of the year. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

I took a happiness test. How happy are you?

You Are 88% Happy

It's unlikely that you know anyone happier than you. You know how to be happy, no matter what life throws at you.

How Happy Are You?

Mother's Day

My mom is the best mom in the whole world (only my opinion). She loves us unconditionally as a mother should, but my mom is special. She's been through a lot with me, starting from the day I was born. I wasn't the healthiest baby, in fact I only had a 1% chance to live but we got through it together. Growing up, she always put us first. We never once doubted her love. We were spoiled kids, always getting what we wanted, but never forgetting how good we had it. She raised us with respect and honesty, something that children search for when growing up. She was at my bedside everyday, while I was in the hospital the second time in '95. I'll never forget seeing her face as I woke up from surgery. I felt safe. It was sad when she dropped us off at college. That last glance, right as she walked out of the dorms could've killed me. I saw how hard it was letting her twin daughters go. We had fun planning my wedding. She wanted me to have everything and I did. My divorce was tough, but I had her support which was very important to me. Telling my mom I was gay was easy. Of course, there were drinks involved, but her motherly instinct told her something was wrong. She cornered me and made me "spill it." I'll always love her for that because it's what I needed. I was in a self hating place during that time so she saved me in my eyes. She's been so accepting because she loves me for who I am. She flew out to Los Angeles and literally stayed with me in the hospital for a whole month. We went through it together, unfortunately my hormones were out of whack. I said some awful things to her at the end of my stay, I'll never forget it. Luckily, she forgave me...nothing like going through menopause during the same time as your mom! She's amazing. She started Horse-n-Around for underprivileged kids and fell in love with Michael, our foster brother. She took him in as he were her own, so that he'd have a family to come home to while he goes to college this fall. I love my mom and miss her so much. She's a special lady and everyone around her would say the same thing. She has a big heart and I am so lucky to have her as my mother.

Happy Birthday!

Happy Birthday Josh! I love that we get to share this special day with you. You are the BIG 2-7 today...better watch out because the BIG 3-0 is right around the corner...woo hoo! At least that's what they've been telling me...ha!

I love you and I hope you have a fabulous day!

People Watching

Gina, Calen, and I attempted to go see Ashes and Snow in Santa Monica this afternoon. The line was so long, it didn't work out. We all came to the same conclusion that we didn't want to spend our day waiting in line. Instead, we walked for a little bit at the 3rd Street Promenade and I must say, I haven't people watched like that in a long time. I was so focused on what was around me, who I was walking by, and who was ahead of me. It was really cool being as observant as I was. I saw people, human beings, enjoying their Saturday afternoon just as I...nothing more, nothing less.

Baby Thoughts

I used to hate saying the word "hysterectomy." Not only because I had one, it just sounds awful. How can a word have so much negativity to it? Probably because it means they literally ripped my female organs out. I've accepted it and I'm okay with it now. There was a time when I wasn't though. I really didn't like to be around newborn babies, I didn't know how to act or what to say to the new mother. I was being selfish, but who could blame me? I couldn't have what they had, so how could I relate? All of these thoughts always circling around in my head, it used to make me crazy. Thankfully, I get that it's not all about "Me" anymore. It's about celebrating the birth of a new life, the joy and happiness that he or she will bring to our families. Babies are miracles, whether they are perfectly healthy or not and that in itself is a beautiful thing.

My good friends back home, Kelly and Darren, just had a baby boy and they named him Aidan. Kelly sent me pictures and he's adorable, but I guess that was to be expected coming from two gorgeous people. I can't wait to go home to meet him in person. I'm really excited for them and I know they are going to make great parents. Two of my favorite people in the world just made a happy little family. There's nothing better than that!

I've known Ben and Katie since I moved to California six years ago. I always admired them as a couple, they were so cute and just "fit" together. I was sad when they moved away, but that's how life happens. We kept in touch for awhile, but then kind of drifted off while Gina kept me in the loop. When I heard they were pregnant, the only thought I had was, "Yeah, of course they are. These two amazing people SHOULD be spitting out babies because we need more of them around." Will is the new addition and I have yet to meet him. I am looking forward to it, not only for him but to express how happy I am for them both.

Kristen is pregnant with her third child and she's due in June. I know she is just as excited as I am for her, if not more. She's one of those natural moms, the kind that glows during her pregnancy and lights up when her children are around. The doctor's told her that she may not be able to have children and look at her now. Not only are Max and Ava the most beautiful children I know, they are extremely healthy and now she's having a third. Miracles do happen and they definitely have over and over again in our family.

Memories

Today is an interesting date for me. Every year when I acknowledge it's May 13th, I immediately think of my college graduation and what a disaster it was. Then I follow it with the events that took place on the 15th...the day I got married and the day I left him. Yup, that's right. I left my marriage on our one year wedding anniversary. It was the hardest thing I've ever done but I needed to. I can still go back to that hellish weekend and relive all the hurt and pain that occurred...even on my wedding night. I don't talk about it much. I don't really think about it and when I do, I keep it to myself. It's too bad those dates will always stick in my head, because they don't mean anything anymore. I know I'm over it, I've told him to his face that I have forgiven him and I really meant it. He's a good guy, we were just young and dumb. It's funny how memories will stick around for no good reason, but to leave a mark forever. At least, now I know this isn't a story that I will ever live by again.

Dance Fever

We had a blast last night! It was Josh's Birthday Party (his birthday isn't until tomorrow), we went to a nice dinner and then out for the evening. It's always so nice to spend a night with all our close friends together, especially when it's to celebrate a birthday. We definitely succeeded in the celebration! I don't think I've ever danced so much. I was soaked of sweat by the end...totally gross, yet so refreshing in a way. I felt so free and had so much energy, despite the fact I was still getting over my cold. I was in my own little world most of the night, listening to the music and just really enjoying myself. It was fun! I need to go dancing more often.

I can't sleep.

I'm not a very good sleeper. I didn't get home until 3 am this morning and I'm wide awake at 7. It's annoying really. I need to sleep and I can't. I don't know why sleeping is so difficult for me. I have no problem falling asleep, staying asleep is where I struggle. I'm not thinking about anything, so it's not those damn voices keeping me up. Emmitt was sleeping soundly, so it's not him. My bed is really comfortable, so it's not that. It's relatively quiet here, so it's not the noise. My room is pretty dark, so it's not because there's too much light. Hmmmm...I'm out of ideas.

Oh THAT story...

Uhhhh...wow, I just went into a deep place. Did you read those last two posts??? I can't help but write what's on my mind, so I guess that makes me a deep thinker. I'm going to lighten this up a bit with an embarrassing story.

My story: Apparently, I have pants issues. Todd, Jill's trainer/ friend, came over one evening and I thought it'd be nice to go greet him. I'm grinning from cheek to cheek, ready for a nice hello and small conversation. All of a sudden, Todd looks down at my waist looking really puzzled and kind of speechless. Jill then glances down, laughing and says, "Jamie, your pants are falling down!" I looked and saw that she was right. My pajamma pants were down to my thighs, with nothing but my underwear showing. I hurried and pulled them up and laughed out of pure embarrassment. Oh and this only happened a few months ago...

Landmark Education

Life transformation is a scary thing, a difficult process that one must be ready to commit whole-heartedly to in order for it to work. It cannot be done without the willingness and open-mindedness of the person doing it; which leaves us with nothing but hope that our loved ones will take on this powerful journey, when they are ready.

Landmark Education is here to empower our thinking and the people around us. It teaches us the tools we need to live happily, freely, and peacefully in order for us to succeed. This education makes it possible to make our relationships grow stronger and to mend others where it's not complete. They have a vision and it's for the good of all humanity and I will stand for their intent. Make no mistake by assuming the Landmark Education is something that it's not, after all, that would only be an opinion unless you experience it for yourself.

Whether someone wants to sign up or not, it doesn't matter because it's a personal choice and we have no right to make that choice for others.

Friday's Open Book

1...2...3...Share!

Reflection

I'm feeling better, but still a bit sniffly. I'm sitting here by myself, enjoying being alone and thinking about this past weekend. It was really hard to acknowledge what I did, but that in itself has empowered me in ways that I never thought possible. I never imagined myself being afraid of people, but in reality that's where my insecurities have come from. After all, my "having to be perfect" is my fear of what people think of me, not saying the "right" thing, and sounding stupid.

I've encountered many since my Advanced Course and normally I'd be acting, trying to sound good; which would keep me from being completely present to the person and our conversation. In this past week, I've felt more confident and very much at peace when I'm conversing with others. I feel there is no other way but to be honest with myself and to the people around me. I love my new perception of life, it has opened my eyes to all the goodness and new realms of possibilities that can be created for the transformation of our world views. Although, I am a work in progress, I now have the tools to see people for who they are and I'm more than willing to give my support where it's needed the most. We are all human beings in this game, we just happen to live in different parts of the world, under different circumstances; which is why life transformation is the key to peace and happiness.

NO internet!

We didn't have internet for 2 whole days...it was very sad.

The "meaning" of being present:

1. All our focus is on the person speaking.
2. Our voices are turned off.
3. We're listening to each and every word that is being said.
4. Our mind is empty.
5. There are no judgments, interpretations, and/or meanings being made.
6. Concerns, worries, anxiety, fear, and/or stress are not apart of the moment.
7. Our "acts" are turned off.
8. We're doing what we want to do, what we enjoy doing, and what makes us happy.
9. We're living in the "now" rather than in the past or future.

Being Present

I understand what it means to be present now. It's shutting off those voices and really focusing on what's being said; being aware of who's around; and acknowledging the person who is speaking rather than our selves. Being present is the key to any kind of success because it keeps us in the moment, observing what needs to happen next or what needs to be said next. It feels good to be present because when we are, the focus is off our insecurities and we can give the gift of listening to the person or persons who are asking for it.

My story: It was Saturday afternoon during my Advanced Course, and it was right after I figured out my "act." I started to feel better about what just happened, even though I was still very emotional. We went inside to regroup after our break and Gale, our leader, asked if anyone had a miracle to share. I instantly raised my hand, knowing that I found my "act" and not many others had yet. I went up there, feeling completely relaxed, without a care in the world about what others thought about me. I was being present. I was being present to my "act" of having to be perfect. I was being present to all 104 faces listening to me. I was being present to Gale, coaching me for others to get what we were all there for. I was being "Me"...something that I needed in order for me to succeed in public speaking. I get it now.

Now it's Josh's turn...

Yay! Josh is signing up for the Landmark Forum as we speak. It's amazing how it only takes ONE person to inspire the lives of so many. Thank you Mar-ASS-a for making this a possibility for us all!

I'm sick.

I knew this weekend was exhausting, but I didn't realize just how much. I began feeling ill yesterday and now I am home sick today with one of the worst head colds I've had in a long time. My throat is on fire, my head aches, my eyes burn, and my nose is running. Waaaahhhhhh! I want my mommy!

I'm SO excited!

I had my Advanced Course graduation tonight and Jill had her Forum graduation...Gina, Calen, and Amee all signed up for the Forum. They're going to love it and I'm SO happy for them!

Emmitt's Progress...

I've admittedly been slacking with everything that's been going on. Time is finally starting to slow down, so I am jumping back in after today. Emmitt WILL be trained!

Tuesday's Open Book

Oops! I haven't posted this in awhile. Ready....set...SHARE!

My Boys

I have two wonderful guys in my life and I would drop anything to show my support for them. They make me smile and feel love when they are around. They bring the goofy, playful side out of me, something that I keep to myself to those outside my little circle. They make me laugh and support everything that I do. I trust them with all my heart and feel safe when they are around. They are my "boys," my friends, and my family.

I love you Calen because you are an awesome man, someone who has so much to offer and so much love to give. You were supposed to be in my life for a reason and I believe it's about the life journey we chose to take. I admire you for your successes and the ability you have to listen. I hope you know how fabulous you truly are. I couldn't ask for a better roommate and best friend.

I love you Josh because you were the missing link in my life. You have an amazing softness to you that makes the room light up when you come over. You care about the people who surround you, even the ones who take your generosity for granted. You rock my world and I can't wait to see you at your full potential. You will conquer everything and anything that comes your way because you are that special of a guy.

I love you both so much!

Celebration

We had a lot to celebrate last night. Calen came home with a cake and champagne...it was really sweet. Josh came over, as he usually does on Monday, but this time it was different. It's the start of Josh's Birthday week and we're honored that we get to share it with him. Jill completed the Landmark Forum as I did for the Advanced Course. Calen has a new beginning and we're thankful he gave us the opportunity to make things right. Gina has a new relationship with all of us because we actually "get" her now. It all seems like we're going uphill from here. Growing together is the possibility we've created and I'm so excited for that. I see nothing but good things from here on out and I believe they all see it too!

Let it all out.

We shouldn't be afraid to get in touch with our emotions. It's the only way to get to our "real" selves. Breakdowns cause breakthroughs that send a message something needs to change. In order to reinvent ones self, we must face up to all the hurt, pain, guilt, and anger to move forward. It's a difficult process, sometimes seemingly exhausting and never ending...but it does end. All it is are our strong suits trying to hold on. It takes courage and strength to finally let go and to create new possibilities for our selves. People hit rock bottom all the time, that's when they know to take action. That's how I knew it was time for me to take action and I'm thankful to the Landmark Education for changing my life forever.

This Weekend

Whoa, what an emotional weekend! I honestly thought before going into the Advanced Course at Landmark, that I knew everything about myself...soooooo not the case.

My story: It was about 1 or 2 on Saturday and we were sharing with our partners about the "act" we play in our daily lives. I thought I was open to the conversation, trying to explain where my fears come from and how I interact with the people in my immediate circle and outside my circle. My partner started to "pick my brain", asking me questions that were direct, honest, and made me extremely uncomfortable. My initial reactions were of plain denial, "NO! Of course not! I'm not that!" He planted a seed for me unknowingly to the both of us. I couldn't stop thinking about it. My thoughts made me very sad and soon that damn lump formed in my throat. I became overwhelmed with emotion, still without the cry. It hurt to hold it in, but I fought to make sure I did. And then, BAM! I knew my "act." It hit me SO hard in the face, that I lost it. My tears came from a place I didn't even know existed. I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't stop thinking, and I couldn't control my emotions. Marisa just held me and smiled. "Congratulations," she said. "You just figured it out and now you're ready to take this course on!" I didn't think so at first. I felt fear, I was angry with myself, and I was really confused. I didn't know what to do next and I didn't know what to do with my new revelation. It wasn't a good moment for me.

After 20 minutes of emotional exhaustion from crying, an unknown thought occurred to me: "It's time to own this and be proud that I worked this hard to figure out my "act " this early on in the game. I felt amazing, cleansed, and relieved. I was more in touch with myself than I've ever been and it truly freed me from everything I could ever have imagined. It was awesome!

My act: "I have to be perfect." This "act" has been stopping me from growing. This act brought undeserved judgments on people in my life, outside my life, and most importantly in my relationships. Nobody was ever good enough, not living up to my unrealistic standards. I felt that I had to look perfect and be perfect because that's what I expected from my significant other. It was a hard truth and it hurt me. I was blindsided by it and felt ashamed for my in-authenticity. I apologized to those that I internally judged. They didn't even know what I was talking about and that's exactly why I had to do it. I've been "fake" and it was time for me to own it and give it up. I am NOT perfect and I accept it. I love myself for being "Me."

The Advanced Course was simply mind blowing and I know from this moment forward, reality is the key to my success. Who I am is the possibility of being "action" and "strength" and I vow to show people that they can transform too.

Challenge #11

Because I teach in a year round school, the way the track system is set up, I will almost have a two month paid vacation. For challenge #11, I am going to give up my vacation, with a few days off here and there, and work at my school for extra money. My goal is to pay off most of my credit card debt by July 1st, in order for me to enjoy and live stress free when I begin to substitute teach. This is a way for me to train myself, with the discipline I need, to work hard for the things that I want. I'm ready!

Last Day

My last day with my students is today. It doesn't feel like it, however, I did get my resignation form from the office. I have to resign from the District and then get rehired as a substitute teacher. Ahhhhhhhhh! Okay, now that I'm writing this, it is settling in. A crazy emotional weekend followed by the end of my permanent teaching career...it's a bit overwhelming I must admit. I'm feeling good though. I feel like I finally have control of my life and I'm taking the steps to live it the way I want. I'm the driver and I can go in any direction, down any road, to the destination of my life. I'm excited!

Proud

I'm so proud of Jill. She started the Landmark Forum yesterday. Friday is usually the worst day, but Jill went in with such an open mind that she's already "getting" how to live happily. I can already tell a difference. I can't wait to see her on Sunday...she's walking on cloud 9, and her second day hasn't even started yet. Our household just went up a few notches on the happy scale, we all understand what life is about. We're going to be able to communicate honestly, without the fear of hurting eachother's feelings. I love it! Along with Gina, I've been waiting for this day and I can't even put into words the goodness I believe that is going to come out of this. Yesterday was the beginning of a new chapter in our friendships, in our relationships, and in our family. What an amazing feeling!

Breakthrough

I started the Advance Course yesterday...it's a long day! It's already amazing, the concept and the perception we're being trained and coached to have. Some of the exercises were a bit uncomfortable, but I guess they have to be to be effective. Getting what we want is always hard and that's what makes it "real." Usually, I'm a late bloomer in these things, however, I got something last night.

As I mentioned before, I struggle with my scars. I brought that issue with me to the course because I'm exhausted with the negativity I attach to them. I got last night that it's pretty stupid to think that I have to be perfect. It's pretty stupid that I let something that I have no control over rule my life. It's pretty stupid that they are only scars...so what! It's pretty stupid that I've been so wrapped up in how ugly I thought they were, that when I went to tell my story to others, they didn't even blink an eye. They didn't care. It was all me.

Although, I felt this and saw how ridiculous I've been about my scars, I still wasn't fully complete...not until Marisa and I were driving home anyway. We were talking about the day, which of course turned into my "struggle" and my "suffering." As we talked about it, I suddenly remembered something. I always thought the reason my scars scarred me so much, was for an occurence that happened to me in school...I've been wrong and that's why I haven't been able to accept them for what they are. I get it now.

My story: Jill and I are identical twins. We looked exactly alike when we were younger, nobody could tell us apart. There was one way that my extended family could and it was by lifting my shirt, to see who had the scars. I never knew that this affected me so much until now. I identify myself with my scars, because that's how everybody else did. It made me different, which in turn made me feel that I had to be perfect everywhere else in order to compensate for the ugliness on my stomach. After realizing this, I feel complete. There was a source, I found it, and now I'm ready to embrace them. My scars represent my battle wounds from three separate wars that I won. I'm proud to be a survivor, a warrior, and I'm thankful to be ALIVE.

50/50

Relationships are hard. In order for them to be successful, the effort has to be 50/50. That concept doesn't seem hard to me, but then again I haven't had a relationship that's been successful. So, what is it that I'm doing? Why do I have a hard time putting in my half? Or is it that I think I am and I'm oblivious to the fact that I'm not? I don't know. Does that mean I've been selfish in the past? Yup, I'm pretty sure that's what that means. If I'm only thinking of myself and not my significant other, arguing my points just to be right, not giving my whole self because I'm afraid, and keeping quiet when I need to speak up are all selfish acts. I get that now. Committment is doing everything in our power to make sure we succeed. If it means we have to put our selves aside once and while...good for us for being aware. If it means we have to back down and admit defeat, even when we feel we're "right"...good for us for caring that much. If it means we're making our selves vulnerable...good for us for being that strong. If it means we're speaking our minds...good for us for being honest. If we can't commit to do these things with the person we chose to have in our lives, then it's pointless...a waste of time because obviously we don't think they are worth all of that.

Advanced Course

Marisa and I will be taking the Landmark Advanced Course together this weekend. I can't wait to do it! I've heard nothing but great things like leaving the course totally empowered, strong, and confident. Supposedly, I will know who I am and what direction I need to take to fulfill my wants and needs. I'm excited!

I'm not sure how much writing I'm going to be able to do, but I'll try to keep in touch...HA!

Challenge #10- Success!

I got everything finished that I needed to(with the exception of my class cums-that's a Monday project) before today. Monday morning is going to be smooth sailing for me! Challenge #10- Success!

Room Partner

This by far has been my favorite year of teaching and I believe it had everything to do with my room partner, Yuri. I've been teaching with her for 3 years, but this year was the first that we became inseparable as a team. Yuri not only was a co-worker to me, she became my friend...a good friend. She's one that I trusted, looked forward to seeing every day, and felt the most comfortable around. She's an amazing teacher and thankfully our school doesn't take her for granted. She's awesome and I will miss working with her.

Love ya Yuri!

Whoa!

It's the end of the school year for us; in fact our last day is Monday. I'm not going to be here tomorrow because I'm taking the Advance Course for Landmark. It seems like the last day for me today. We had our award ceremony this morning for K, 1st, and 2nd grade and I was looking around, realizing that it was my last one. I looked at my students and became very sad. I love each and every one of them and felt very lucky and privileged to have ended my teaching career with this class. They worked so hard for me for two years and I am so proud.

My story: It was my turn to go up and give my awards. As I mentioned before, I really don't enjoy speaking in front of a crowd so I was a bit nervous. As soon as I got up there, my nerves went away and I began to cry. I cried in front of everyone. I made a few of my students cry. I had such an overwhelming love for them as I stood up there, looking at their little faces. They are the greatest kids and I wish them nothing but the best. It's unfortunate the older they get, the harder it's going to be for them. I'm creating the possibility that my students will be strong enough to not fall onto the path that most do in this area. I'm creating the possibility that they will take what I taught them into their daily lives and excel in their future as they did for me in my classroom.

I feel sick.

I'm no better.

Why would I want to be better than anybody else? I wouldn't. It would leave me feeling superior, which would make it hard for me to accept others for who they are. It would keep me at the top, all alone. Friendships would be difficult because I'd look down at people and their actions, constantly judging. Love relationships would be impossible, because she'd have to be better than I and I know that's not a possibility. It would leave me feeling insecure because I'm always comparing myself to others and what if someone IS better? My intention would mean to be powerful, but in the end it would leave me powerless because I'm not looking at myself, rather I'm looking at other people.

So much to do!

I am OVERLOADED with work at school. I'm taking a break to share my thoughts about it. I've never been one to like a big "To Do" list, but lately I don't mind it. It's kind of challenging to see how much I can get done, which keeps it interesting and keeps me busy. I feel productive and motivated as I get to check off tasks from my list. Being lazy doesn't have the same affect on me like it used to. I used to accept my laziness as being a part of me and NOT apart of my thinking.