Didn't happen.

I had my SELP class tonight. I was looking forward to it because of my recent breakthroughs and my challenge was to share them. Unfortunately, there wasn't an opportunity and now I may have to wait till next week. We'll see about that...

Lesson learned- I'm funny.

Always pay attention to dates on an invitation, something I didn't do earlier. I got the days wrong for the wine excursion and felt bad because I thought I double booked. Oopsie! Turns out I didn't and now I get to do both. Phew!

I'm blank.

I've got nothing today. I know someone who does though...JILL! She had a fantastic weekend and her experience was everything I hoped it would be for her. I'll let her fill you in on the details! She's a happy and free little lady:)

Comfort Zone

I got an evite to go to a wine tasting event NEXT Wednesday from Jenn. I've only been wine tasting once in my life and it was in Ashtabula, Ohio. Ha! Ever since Jenn and I started hanging out again, life just got a little more interesting. You see, I'm a bit of a homebody. I enjoy being on my computer, sitting in my "designated" spot in the living room, and conversing with my household. I love that, it's a huge part of who I am, but there's another part who also loves an adventure. It's exciting to have the chance to step outside of my comfort zone once and awhile, with new people, in different places. I don't do it often, it's not a bad thing, however, it is what life is about...even as little as wine tasting. Thanks for the invite Jenn!

Hmmm...serioulsy though, I've done some big things in my life, like moving to Los Angeles and finding my rainbow in West Hollywood, but the small stuff was never a "living in the moment" thing for me. I never felt I was good at it. Watching Jill and Gina live like that always inspired me in the past. I envied the courage they both shared when doing all the fun things they've done and not thinking twice. It's literally how they bought their house too and that's only one example. Ask them about New Zealand and four wheeling in the Grand Canyon! I think too much during certain kinds of choices, which always leaves me back to where I started...back into my comfort zone. I even stressed about buying my plane ticket to New York before I hit the purchase button; however, it felt great afterwards! I need to remember that for future adventures, so I can experience life for what it's worth and live it instead of envy it.

Nothing

My Loving Life

I am constantly posting, sharing my thoughts, feelings, and stories; however, I haven't put it all together in one post, about how my life has been since Landmark. You all know it's been an awesome and an emotional rollercoaster for me, ways of being that I've never been in touch with before. It's opened my eyes in many ways, to me and to the ones I love.

Love is what I got from Landmark. My life is full of love, I feel it and live it everyday. I have a new perception of love and it's truly amazing. My actions, my conversations, my writing, everything is out of love. When I do something now, whether it be for myself or for my friends, there's never a negative thought that goes into it. I'm doing it out of love. When I'm talking, becoming complete and relieving my anxieties, I'm doing that out of love too. It's self-love and relationship love, something I live for everyday. I, also, write out of love. It's my passion and purpose for everyone I love and everyone I could love. This is how I show my support, by sharing myself and my way of being. Sure, there's times when it'll take a moment to push the publish button out of fear, but my love comes conquering through. I want to share my experiences because I know I'm not alone in this journey. I want to have a voice in life transformation, letting people know I'm going through it or in some areas, I already have. I love being me and I love being for other people. My life is loving since Landmark, that's how it's been for me.

Being Me

I didn't realize how much I needed the break down I had this week until last night. I went out with Jenn and her friends...we had a blast! There was no anxiety, I wasn't nervous, I was extremely relaxed. I felt very confident in my conversations, I wasn't afraid to be me, I enjoyed each moment that passed by. I was very present to everything that was going on, with my surroundings and all the talks. I loved it, I feel really great! Yay for breakthroughs!

Just got back from lunch!

I just had the best burger of my whole entire life with Reilly just now. We went to Pie-N-Burger, in Pasadena, and oh my goodness was it tasty! It was cool to hang with him alone, chatting about him going away to college, how he needs to find balance between all the partying and his studying, how life couldn't be better for him than it is right now. He clearly lives for each moment, he loves to have fun, and isn't afraid of much.

I'm sure we were all like that at one point too with no responsibiliies, no bills to pay, just meeting new people, learning about life and all the hardships it may bring. It's so interesting to observe the inexperience in his life, the pure innocence that all human kind are born with. It's sad to think how tainted lives become so quickly, how meanings are put on everything to the point of it being threatening for some. If only enlightenment was a universal phenomenon, young people like Reilly could stay in the present and each be a leader to a society of acceptance, love, and compassion, something our world is in definite need of right now.

Reflection

I've been thinking a lot about this week, all the thoughts I've had, all the emotions I went through. I think at one point, I hit rock bottom, a significant moment, there's no where else to go but up. It's a human thing to do, it's the only way we know when to apply change and in my opinion, the only time when change will stick. I know what my change is. Instead of being afraid of being alone, I embrace it. I embrace the time I have to be with myself and the confidence and strength I have to succeed in it. I embrace this awesome opportunity, do the things I want to do, and the life that I am now creating. I embrace people, the ones I love and the unfamiliar, I stop letting the fear come between me being me because I want to be free of mind.

My job is officially over...at 8 this evening.

I just heard I get to go home tonight! YAY!

Last Day

Today is my last full day of dog sitting here. YAY! They will be arriving around 6am tomorrow morning and I will be waiting, ready to go! Well, actually I'll probably be sleeping but I'm sure I'll wake from all the noise and Ignatious being excited to see his family.

Ignatious and I definitely bonded, I think he's going to miss me as much as I'll miss him. What a great dog to pet sit for, I just think he's great! They really got lucky, I wouldn't be opposed to having a golden retriever someday if I ever wanted a big dog again. That's how much he affected me, I think I fell in love.

I'm getting old!

I tried hanging out with Reilly and 5 of his girl friends tonight. We were all at the house together so I figured, why not? I wanted to make the best of the situation. I think it took about 5 minutes before I realized I was the old lady. I couldn't even jump into the conversation, all they talked about was how drunk they were here, there, and everywhere. I remember those days, the stories, how funny we thought we were. Blahhh, I can't imagine having that young party craze again. It's exhausting to just think about it. Those are true signs of aging right there, not being able to keep up like I used to. Don't get me wrong, I can keep up for a day and night of drinking, but to do it three, four nights in a row...no way!

Yep, I'm getting old. I'm enjoying it, the knowledge and wisdom that comes along. It was cool to observe these 18 year olds tonight, I know so much that they haven't the first clue about. Only by experience will they ever get it.

I'm turning 30 in a few months, I'm actually really looking forward to it. I'm excited to leave the 20s behind, some weren't the best years of my life. Sure, I had a lot of fun and many stories were made, but too much heartache and pain were attached. I think the 30s will be my decade, the time when I will shine! I've already had a taste of it, being 29 is like the appetizer. Woo hoo!

I liked it:

Phew!

Whoa. I don't think I've ever been so honest with my thoughts like I've been this week OR I'm just going through a huge transition, yeah I think that's it. I need a timeout...ha!

Another Breakthrough

Not only was this week a real eye opener to how I've been in my love relationships, how being vulnerable was never my strong suit, I've also been exposed to my true fear of people. During the Advanced Course, there was an exercise where we had to stand face to face in front of someone and look into their eyes for several minutes. I cried when I did it. I never got why I did, I thought it was because of my unfair judgements I'd place on people in the past. I was feeling sorry for it. I don't think it was that at all anymore, not after my breakthroughs this week. I cried because I was afraid of the woman standing in front of me. I wasn't afraid that she'd hurt me or anything of the sort, I was afraid to let her in, it was difficult to keep that eye contact.

This week, I've had a few occurrences with people, people I've known, people I've always been comfortable with. Yet, my "separation anxiety" caused my nerves to go bonkers when I was meeting with them. I've never felt this before, I was scared to be there, telling them what I've been up to, what's been going on in my life. I was even scared to talk to the people in my LANDMARK group last Monday. You know the place where there aren't judgements and we're all there for one another. It was weird, I really struggled for a few days with this. I didn't know it was fear, so I thought I was going crazy, like my act was completely consuming me.

Up until yesterday morning, after I had my chat with Gina, I realized my behavior has all been fear based. I feel relieved now knowing it, I was even able to talk about it to Josh last night. I always felt like I was confident with people, especially ones that I first meet, but that was because I was never in touch with myself the way that I am now. All of those feelings and emotions, I'm very present to and I'm thankful because that's the access to my personal growth. This is how I will be transformed, this is how I will gain knowledge to live my life powerfully and accepting of everything and everyone around me.

Challenge #16

I'm going to do it and I'm going to do with courage....that means I can still be scared. HA! I'm going to stand up in front of everyone and let people in by sharing my recent breakthroughs. If I cry, I cry. If I feel nervous, I'll call out my inauthenticity and see what happens next. I'll let you know how it goes.

Do I have to?

My SELP coach, Alice, wants me to get up on Monday and share the recent breakthroughs I've had. She wrote an email with the idea, hoping that I'll consider it. I don't know. That terrifies me more than anything and of course that in itself is a good reason to do it. I get that by sharing I would be helping others and I'd probably have another breakthrough doing it, but something is stopping me, most definitely my act, which leaves me conflicted. I know if I say I'm going to do it, my integrity will get me up there, however, I will immediately put pressure on myself after making that commitment and that's what I don't want. This is not a Landmark thing to say, I get that too...I just wasn't ready to be confronted with this request, so my mind is all over the place. Man, this stuff is exhausting! HA!

Thank Dog!

Two more nights left and I am free to go home. I'm looking forward to it even though this has been a great learning experience for me. What's even more exciting is I may have another pet sitting job in August that will be for three weeks. That won't start until the 14th, which means I'll have some time to play, be with my friends, and have some fun. That job will be paying me so well that money won't even be an issue for having those two weeks off. In fact, my cash flow seems to be better now than ever. I'm loving it, it's amazing how money can be made, it just has to be creative.

I went to my house last night for dinner, Calen was the cook. Yummy chicken! It was Jill, Gina, Calen, Josh, and I sitting around chatting about how we're going to take Thank Dog! to a new level. Yep, that's right...we have so many different ideas, some new possibilities, to the point where I actually believe we'll make it happen. Of course, right now it's a lot of talk, but that's how businesses do get started and/or expand like in this case. Jill has done an amazing job already with her one woman company, I am excited to be the new addition. She's the reason why my clients rock, I'm working with really good people. She has a solid reputation within the dog community, I feel honored to be a part of it.

I love my Jilly!

Jill's about to do something crazy this weekend...she's going to find her act. Good luck at the Advanced Course! You're going to be a superstar:)

Embracing Tragedy

Yeah, that's right you Mofo! You tried to get me the day I was born, I wasn't gonna let you win! I was only a minute old and you thought you had me. 1% chance of living because my bowels burst...whatever! Try 100% chance of kicking your ass ! I saw my life for what it's worth and I made a choice that you weren't going to take it away from me. My mind was already set, the minute I kicked Jill's head out for a breather. I knew what I wanted and I always get my way because I'm unstoppable, a twin on a mission! You think I'd let Jill go on the adventure of life alone after spending a little more than 7 months together? Think again dumb ass, you didn't know who you were messin with!

Oh, it's you again! Showing your face 17 years later, what's up with that? Who is it that wants me so badly because I am NOT ready to go! Life is too good, I'm having fun, so you'd better get off me now! Surgery? Whatever, take what you need but you're not getting me, I'm here to stay. Haha, I still have half anyway...babies are in my future! I'll fight you till the end you coward, I'm not afraid of you! I'm stronger than you think, you mean nothing to me besides the three weeks of my life you wasted. That's okay, it's not for much longer, I'm outta here, but I'm sure we'll run into each other soon. But until then, you can kiss my ass because I have a worthy life to live!

Damn, I knew you'd be back, I've been dreading this moment for awhile. It's just like you to come at the lowest of the lows, a time when my world is crumbling down. I guess this is your way for revenge, trying to show me up and all that! I have to give you credit though, hysterectomy...that was pretty good. It almost worked too, I talked myself into staying in the hospital for a month! My fear took over and you scared me to death, I never thought I was leaving. You're good at what you do, playing these mind games, making me feel like my body was dead. Thankfully, I reminded myself that it wasn't so, I was still alive for a reason. That day, on Nov. 18th, I defeated you...they finally let me out of prison. And, even though, you still lingered on, I GOT my tools and laid you to rest because THAT is who I am. And, I've got the battle wounds to show for it!

How do ya like me now be-otch!?! HA!

(Thanks Gina, that was fun!)

Separation Anxiety

I've talked to Gina for awhile today. Damn Gina...you got me all choked up again! It was the first time I shared with her since I began feeling down, not believing in myself, and being alone. We got to the source, why being away is so hard for me. I have separation anxiety from my twin and everything that surrounds that. I'm afraid of being alone, I fear that I'll be left alone because I am the "weak" one, I was born that way. I get that now. Jill and I fuck with each other, unintentionally but we see versions that we both "should" be walking around. I see things in her that I want as she does with me. Being a twin is hard, but such a blessing all at the same time. As Gina put it, "We love each other too much." She finds it interesting to watch, in fact she thinks it's adorable. I just find it hard to be away.

That's why I'm here, dog sitting is in my life for a reason. I wrote a previous post about this exact thought. For the past several days, I've felt that I've been weak. Not so, unknowingly to me. I've been the exact opposite. I'm being strong going through my weakness alone. I'm building myself up by being here, dealing with my thoughts, going through my emotions, confronting all of my fears. I'm already feeling better, shit I woke up feeling fabulous! I got through a weekend of self torture all on my own. This is a part of my process and I feel myself getting closer and closer to where I want to be. YAY!

A Brand New Day

Ah, I'm feeling really good this morning. Hmmm, could it be that I freed myself from the unknown? I would say yes. Could it be that I got a very sweet text message this morning from MarAssa, saying how proud she is of me? I would say yes. Could it be that I sucked it up and had a conversation with Reilly about NOT having people at the house? I would say yes. Could it be that I get to go home this evening and have dinner with my household? I would say yes. Could it be that Calen called me out of the blue last night to see how I was doing and to update me on his life? I would say yes. Could it be that Jill is doing the Advanced Course tomorrow and I am very excited for her? I would say yes. Could it be that I talked to the owners last night on the phone and they are absolutely in love with me and are buying me and Emmitt presents? I would say yes. Could it be that I talked to Jenn last night on instant message and we talked about what was going on here at the house and she let me vent for several needed minutes? I would say yes. Could it be that I woke up to a few very nice comments from Josh this morning on my posts? I would say yes. Could it be that I checked our "project" web site this morning that Gina and Jill have been working on like crazy and it's beginning to look really great? I would say yes. Could it be that it's a brand new day and I'm loving life in this very moment? I would definitely say yes!

MarAssa

I just got off the phone with Marisa. It went really well and I feel so much better. I shared everything I wanted to, everything that I felt, everything that made me ME during the time we were together. I feel like a big weight has been lifted, I was fully self-expressed and uncaring of what I sounded like. I never really got how I used to hurt her for being so closed off and unattached. I asked her how she felt during all that time, it wasn't nice to hear but I needed to. For the first time, I was able to take her position on, in a way that I fully got the sadness and frustration I caused her. I couldn't have imagined being in her shoes, always wondering why she wasn't getting what I always expected from her and other people for that matter. I'm thankful for our conversation, the empathy I experienced. Without it, I never would've been fully complete and perhaps my old habits would be carried into the next relationship I fall in. I truly get how being vulnerable is the strongest form of love.

Imperfection = Perfection

1. I have one hair on my cheek that grows really long, to the point where I have to pluck it.
2. I have bird brows.
3. I'm flabby from taking so much time off from the gym.
4. I have stretch marks.
5. I have a big forehead.
6. I have big scars on my stomach.
7. My hands are wrinkly.
8. I have dry feet.
9. I'm short.
10. I have chicken legs.

Haha! I'm a packaged deal baby!

Hey Jill,

Do you think my breakthrough and emotions today has anything to do with us being twins and you having the Advanced Course this weekend? Haha....just checking.

A Perfect Emotional Day

I took a long and soothing bubble bath in their HUGE jacuzzi tub that I will have some day. Hehe. It was wonderful and relaxing, but it did get me into thinking a lot. I realized how exhausting and time consuming having to be perfect is.

It's exhausting because it's not real, which keeps my mind turning the way it does. I'm punishing myself for not saying this perfectly, not doing that perfectly, and not being in my relationships in a perfect way. What's my definition of being perfect you ask? Well, I'm not really sure and that's another reason why I'm tired of it. Perfection is crap, it doesn't exist. It doesn't exist because everyone is entitled to their own opinions, which means not everyone thinks the same. I could do something and one person would think it was great and the next person would hate it. It's exhausting because it makes me hold back, it makes me hold onto feelings that need released in order to free myself up. It's exhausting because it stops me from doing things that I need to do because it has to be right. It's exhausting because I'm not perfect and I'm trying to be.

Having to be perfect is also time consuming. I could do things so much faster if I wasn't afraid to make a mistake. I could release all the anxiety and stress if I'd stop wasting time and say how I feel. I could move on quicker if I'd be real to myself and stop worrying about what others might think. I could have the confidence that I've been searching for my whole life if I'd stop and embrace my imperfections, my vulnerabilities, and truly believe in myself for being only human, just like everybody else.

Being Vulnerable

Uhhhh...I'm being very present with my sadness, I can't stop crying. Thanks Alice...ha! (She's my SELP coach) No really, she coached me this morning and it went into a direction that I wasn't expecting. It kind of threw me for a loop actually, however I'm very grateful for it. It's a space for me that I don't usually visit, there's too much pain when I do, pain that I am unaware of. Anyway, I took action on it because I thought I got it in the forum, but not in the way that I'm getting it now. I called my ex-girlfriend, Marisa, of three years, a little bit ago. We did the Advanced Course together and I thought I was complete, but apparently I wasn't. I needed her to know I was sorry for being so closed up and never letting her in. It wasn't fair to her how invulnerable I was to our relationship and I needed to complete that. She was surprised but very touched by the conversation. She had to go because of work, but is calling me later to continue our talks. I also called Jill and shared everything that I've been feeling, about my conversation with Marisa and other conversations I've recently had with people I care about.

My fear is to be vulnerable and this is a part of my act. The meaning that I put on vulnerability is that in order for me to be perfect, I "shouldn't" express my feelings because then I won't get hurt (BTW, I'm not speaking of anyone in particular right now. I'm just sharing my past thought process)...even though it causes anxiety more than anything else. I will be perfect because I'm not setting myself up for rejection. I will be perfect because she will see how tough I am and that I don't need her. I will be perfect because I don't have to take that extra effort to place my feelings on the table.

Wow, can we say breakthrough? Thank you Alice, that was an amazing conversation, something that I really had to get to move forward. I've been stuck in the past for the last few weeks and it's time for me to jump back into the moment. I'm creating the possibility of
being self-expressed and that is who I am.

I need advice! Comment please:)

I'm feeling weird right now. I know positive thoughts, positive thoughts, but I feel anxious. I remember what it was like being 18 and I know if my parents left us alone, we'd definitely be throwing parties or having people over. I mean, we did it all through high school at a younger age, this is what kids do. Oh and by the way, yes my mom and dad read this blog and yes we were caught several times. It's just a part of the growing up fun I guess...ha! Anyway, Reilly has asked me quite a few times to have people over and I don't want to be his babysitter. I don't want to tell him yes or no, it's not my job and I don't want him not to have his friends over because of course he wants his friends over. HE'S 18! I think I'm going to do what I said and leave in the evenings. But what about Ignatious? Ahhhhhh! I'm confused...

Hmmmm

I have four more nights here, which I don't mind, but now it has gotten a little trickier. I am staying at the house with their 18 year old son. He's super nice, very polite, and he goes to work during the day; however, he wants me to hang out with him in the evenings and not only that....with his friends too. I mean, it's very sweet that he thinks I'm cool in all, but I'm kinda going stir crazy now, especially because he's home and I've been isolated here since Friday. I want to be with my friends and I miss Emmitt. He told me his parents are already assuming I'm going to be getting out of the house more so I think that's what I'm going to have to do.

Woof

Okay, I know I said earlier that it's good that I'm alone and I truly stand by that, however, I think I'm going through people withdrawal...I'm talking to the dog.

Beach Bums

Oh, the life of a dog! Jill and Gina took Quinn and Emmitt to the beach today. No, they aren't spoiled or anything...

An Enlightened Vet Appointment

Another day, sitting alone. I'm realizing how good this is for me. It gives me more of a chance to be present, practice being present, keeping my mind blank from negativity and enjoying each moment that goes by.

I had to take ignatious to the vet this morning, he has an eye and ear infection. We went into the little room and to my delight, there were pictures with life quotes framed on the walls. I love that! I immediately had to comment on them when the Dr. came in. We had a cute little discussion on how they always get reactions from his clients. It's cool to acknowledge other people taking an interest in the same philosophies of life, it kind of reinforces everything that I am practicing today. The Dr. is an older man, who has had a lifetime of experiences. It's refreshing to observe people like him, who found the keys to life without doing Landmark or anything of the sort. It makes it even more of a reality, that once enlightenment occurs, life is intended to be happy and to be lived by each moment that comes.

One quote in particular stood out to me:

"The happiest people don't have everything. They make the best out of everything they have."

Hmmm...who knew I would get so much out of going to the vet!

Laughing to tears.

I discovered tonight that I have a new friend crush and his name is Hugo. Not only is he a hot and genuinely sweet gay man, he laughs at the same stuff as I do...well kinda. Our leader was talking and made some unintentional sexual comment to some guy and I busted out laughing into tears. She was going to coach him, but ran out of time and says, "I know I told you I was going to do you up here." HAHA! I'm cracking up while I'm writing this. I know that means nothing to you, a "had to be there" kind of moment; but try to envision a much older woman saying that to a younger man. Hysterical! Hugo also couldn't control himself, but it turned out he was laughing about something different even though we thought we were laughing at the same thing. Either way, we kept the laughter going because neither of us could stop. We literally had to pick each other off our chairs to separate from the madness. My point is, if we can laugh that hard together and it not being about the same thing...he needs to be around me more often. That was just too much fun!

Happy Thoughts

There are so many things in life that one person can do to positively affect others....even as little as dog sitting. I talked to the owners tonight on my way home from my SELP class. I can't even begin to tell you about the gratitude they had in their voices. It was really cool, it kept me in check to why I chose this, why I gave up two weekends in a row to help this family out. They are so thankful for me being here, it's hard not to feel like I'm doing something good, like I'm making some kind of difference in their lives. That alone is enough reason to want to stay. I love making people happy, I love that I'm a reason they're able to have a good time on their vacation, and I especially love the trust they have in me. Let's face it, all I'm doing is hanging out in their nice big cozy home, playing with their fabulous dog, relaxing in the air conditioning, reading and writing as much as I possibly can, and I get to sleep in this enormous comfy bed. If anything, I'm the lucky one...I'm being paid for living the life that I'm creating for myself. Now that's a fun game to play!

Oops!

I was reading my book, "The Power Of Now," and there was a part in it that said to close my eyes and focus on the inner body and energy. So, I did. Then, I fell asleep...ha! Does that mean I'm not being present?

It's official!

Just a refresher, I am dog sitting until this Sunday and Ignatious, the golden retriever puppy, has already made me fall in love with him. Oh my goodness! He is a pretty big puppy, already strong, but such an adorable baby. He wants to sit in my lap and most of the time, I give in. I can't help it. He has the sweetest face and the most gentle manner about him. Last night, I looked up and he was standing on his back legs, with his front paws on the side of the pen staring at me. I instantly began to laugh because 1) it was funny and 2) he was standing and it caught me off guard. I can totally see why his owners look at him as if he was their child...I'm already doing it and it's only been four days.

So far, it seems I easily fall for the dog...I guess that does make me a dog person. Thank dog! I don't know how else I'd do this if I wasn't.

Homework

I have my first SELP class tonight, which means I have to finish my homework...oops! Yes, I procrastinated on this and I need to get it finished. I fully admit, there are things that I still hold off till the last minute, even after Landmark. I still struggle with the whole, "If it's not that interesting to me, then I don't want to do it" syndrome. It's a map that I have to make, which will show all the communities I belong to (home, work, friends, family, etc.). I already made my list, so now I have to draw things and make it look pretty. Now the next big task will be trying to find some crayons in this house...

She knows how to make me laugh...

Sometimes, there's nothing better than to get that text message that makes you instantly crack up. Those are the best! They sneak up on you, which causes an unexpected laughter, the kind that automatically puts you in a good mood no matter what kind of day you've had.

I got one of those not too long ago from Jenn. I'm still smiling because it was so funny and random. Even if I shared what it was about, which I'll try, nobody would get it. It's like that inside joke thing that can go on and on for days or even weeks and months with the way we bounce our humor off each other. Ha! All I can say is Zombo.com...it's truly life changing;)

YAY CARRIE!

I just got back from having dinner with Carrie, it's her Sunday night of the Landmark Forum. I obviously couldn't stay for the graduate evening, I'm back here pet sitting. I wasn't sure what to expect, I haven't talked or seen her throughout the weekend...

I'm happy to report she absolutely loved the weekend, she loved her leader, she seemed to have gotten a lot out of it! She was really happy and very energetic, in fact she sent me away with some friendly kisses and a few thank yous to go along. I love that! I can't wait to talk to her more, I'm anxious to see how the outside world will be for her now...with her new perception and all.

Random People Thoughts.

I'm not in a thinking mood, but for some reason I want to write. I don't have much to say, so I guess I'll just type until I feel my writing urge has been fulfilled. Ha!

It's weird to think how many people have passed through my life. I've had so many randoms over the years and it's funny how they probably affected me in some way or another. Like the time when I had my first girl kiss...who was that? And, why did she think it was okay to make out with me in front of Jill and Gina? I don't know, but she was the access to my gaydom. I must've liked it. HA! I even went through my party buddies, we definitely had some fun times, but those can never last. I realized that I didn't want to live like that anymore, another life lesson learned. Whew! And some of those people I chose to date, I'm not sure what I was thinking half the time! However, I did always walk away with a sense of who I should and shouldn't be with, an important part of having a successful relationship. Even in Landmark, I've sat through some confusing and emotional times next to people who helped me through. They affected me in a way that literally changed my life forever.

People will always come and go, that's what life is all about. Having those experiences and letting people affect our lives is what makes us who were are today. I'm grateful for that, but I do have to say one thing: All of you who are in my life now, don't even think I'm going to let you go without a fight! I choose you to be in my life because you positively affect Me, my Being, my happy way of living. You rock and I know you choose me too. YAY!

A Mentor

My friend, Julz, came over last night. She brought over dinner and a bottle of wine...hmmm, seems as though wine has been my drink lately. Sorry, random thought. Anyway, we sat at the table all evening and had some really great conversations. She's a wise one, a mentor if you will. I love listening to her philosophies, views, and her welcoming advice. I really value everything she says, it's the softness and genuine feel of her tone. She's one of those people that makes you think, she's very intellectually stimulating. I like that when conversation just flows, unknowing where it's going next. It keeps the curiosity alive and the want to just be in the moment a reality.

Comfy Bed

These people have the most comfortable bed. I have not slept the way I've been, in the last two nights, in a long time. Back in the day, if I were staying alone in a big older home, I would be scaring myself into thinking it 's haunted and wouldn't let myself sleep. Oh yeah, I used to do that. I'd freak myself into hearing noises or that a ghost is going to come into my room during the night. Ha! Not here and not now. The bed literally sucks me in enough that I immediately fall alseep...and soundly for that matter.

Last night, I woke up to a huge Golden Retriever puppy, Ignatious, on top of me. He was so excited, licking and doing everything he could to stay on the bed. It was funny. I had to use all my strength to push him off and put him back to his sleeping spot, even though I didn't want to. He's such a cuddly bear. He's so big and clumsy...it's adorable!

Silly Me

I just want to stress to everyone how therapeutic writing is. I've been sitting here by myself, all day long, listening to the voices in my head. They were being negative, not sure why but I wasn't feeling good about myself. After hours upon hours of my ego talking, I thought it'd be in my best interest to write in my personal journal to find the source to my craziness. As soon as I began to write, I got it! I knew exactly why I was feeling the way I was, where it started, and what was prolonging it...My stubborn act was in full play. Man, I hate that shit...haha! I want everyone to know that I AM NOT PERFECT (of course YOU all know that, so just bear with me here)! It's so ridiculous the way I think sometimes. I'm not making myself wrong for it, it's just apart of my process and I want to share it with the rest of you. Anyway, I feel completely present now, with a few moments of laughter, wondering why I let myself dwell as long as I did.

Another thought: I was talking to this guy at my SELP course about my act of having to be perfect. He had a really good point, something that I need to remember when I have moments like the ones I did today (heehee). He said something like, "People are more intriguing when they aren't perfect. It makes them less intimidating and more approachable." I totally agree with that. I wouldn't want to hang around with anyone I felt was perfect, then I'd feel less about myself. Who would want that? Not me, so why would I want to make someone else feel like that? I don't. I want people to feel as comfortable around me as I want to feel around them.

I don't want to be perfect, I want to be Me.

Living the life!

I'm staying at this big house, dog sitting, for a whole week. It's interesting to live the life of a rich person. Yesterday, their housekeeper, Ana, comes walking in...super nice lady. She goes upstairs and does her thing, while I'm sitting on the couch with my laptop and not lifting a finger to help. She wouldn't have let me anyway, that's what she does, it's her job. The next thing I know, I look outside and there's the gardner, cutting down branches and cleaning up the yard. I automatically pictured myself back there doing it because that's what I do at home. I can't imagine having someone doing it for us, what that would be like.

Last night the owners of the home calls me, checking in, making sure I had everything, and got the money that was sitting on the counter for dog and grocery purposes. He said to give Ana anything I needed done today, including my laundry. Huh!?! She would do my laundry? Whoa. I actually repeated that to him, "She would do my laundry?" He said, "Of course! That's what she does, just give it to her." So now I'm sitting here, wondering if I should ask her to do it. I'd feel weird asking her, I've never just told someone to do something for me. HA! But, would I be offending her if I started doing it myself and not giving her the job? I don't know. Oh, the dilemmas of the rich life! What a difficult world to live in. Yeah right, so when do I get to play this game?

Yesterday

Yesterday was really great! Jenn and I hung out and talked the whole day....literally. I didn't get home until this morning...I guess I had too much wine. We went to the Saddle Ranch in West Hollywood for lunch, the bartender was definitely pleased. Ha! We would be in a middle of a good conversation and then he'd cut in, wanting to be a part of it. It got kind of annoying, he was trying too hard and we weren't really into what he had to say. I know that sounds mean, but it's true. We were catching each other up on what's been going on in our lives, we haven't hung out in a long time. I didn't want to hear about his meaning of life, I was focused on my company.

We left after awhile, went back to her house and continued our conversation there. Time went by so quickly, it was dinner and we ordered in. After a few glasses of wine, I was pretty tipsy, I couldn't drive home. It's not like we haven't had our slumber parties before, so I crashed there until this morning.

I went home, got my things, and now I am dog sitting!

Blogger's "To Do" List- Update!

Okay, I can't go with NOT writing anything like I said I was going to do! This blog is my baby, I have to share at least once a day. I got back to my blog "To Do" list last night. I added some buttons and researched a bit. I'm finally understanding code...like how to read it. I read through the code on the template and pasted the code for each button. Even though, it wasn't a difficult thing to do, it was still an unfamiliar task for me. I would never have attempted it before in the fear I'd mess something up. Yay me!

Carrie's turn!

Me and Carrie

This weekend is Carrie's turn for the Landmark Forum. She is very excited as she should be, she has a lot to look forward to. Without a doubt, she's going to come out of the weekend feeling really great. She's going to see what an amazing and intelligent woman she is, and her lust for life will never go unnoticed. I can't wait for her to experience what we all have, she's the last one in our immediate circle.

I'm sad I can't be around throughout the weekend because I'm pet setting. I will be there in spirit though and I'm only a call away. At least, I CAN make it to dinner Sunday night, I wouldn't miss it for the world...it's Carrie for goodness sake! I'm proud of her for choosing this courageous journey, it's not an easy one to do.

Good luck lady and I love you! I'll be here if you need me...but you already know that!

Tomorrow Fun

On Friday, I have a week long pet sitting job and the pay is pretty good. They're paying me to STAY all day and night at the house, which will leave me alone for majority of the time. Since I'm not going to be doing much over the next week, I'm really looking forward to tomorrow! I am meeting up with my friend, Jenn, who I haven't seen in quite awhile. We're going to lunch and will probably hang out for most of the afternoon. I'm choosing this as my play day. I don't want to do any work, reading, or writing. I'm going to take a day off, enjoy each moment, and catch up with an old friend. Yay!

My day at the preschool...ugh!

Well, there is a reason why I am a dog trainer and not a preschool teacher. Wow.

Alright, first I am going to tell you a little about myself. I am not natural with children. I have never been. I have been known to fight little kids if they try to sell me candy bars in the grocery store parking lot. Of course, it's the 5th time that they approach me that I get irritated...the first, second or third time I can quietly shrug off and be polite. Regardless, if it isn't my beautiful niece or two adorable and wonderful nephews then I am unnatural and at times impatient. Now, this doesn't mean I don't like kids, it's more that I can't relate...I don't know how to be with them. You know what is more nerve-wracking to me? Trying to be cute in front of the mother...I just feel like an imposter. I know...it's my racket.

I know I was a kid once, but back then it was all about playing, I didn't care what others thought but as I aged, I do now. I have to watch what I say along with watching that I don't get too complicated with my wording...it's like speaking a different language when interacting with children. I do have to admit though, my favorite ages are between 0-6...they are just so cute and funny...I like to laugh at them.

You may be thinking, "why did you agree to do this dog training presentation to a bunch of preschoolers then?". Well, I figured it would be good for me since it's something that I have never done. I am terrified of speaking infront of a crowd, so I figured I would start with people who have barely had any life experiences. I mean, they aren't at the stage of judging others yet...baby steps, people!

My bonus? Jamie agreed to help me...THANK DOG!

Anyway, back to my day...

First, I went to the toy store yesterday to buy a dog puppet. This was actually Jamie's idea, and I liked it. Unfortunately they did not have any, so I bought a big stuffed dog and 3 little ones that looked exactly like it. I then went to Costco to get a big bag of treats. This was all premature being that I didn't really know what I was going to say or do anyway. However, as I have learned from my niece and nephew...presents are always good.

Last night I stayed up preparing for what I was going to talk about and Jamie actually guided me through it. I wrote an agenda and then I had little notecards with an outline of what I was going to "teach". I decided to talk about caring, training and safety around dogs. That's pretty good for 3-6 year olds, right? HA!

Today finally rolls around, even though Jamie was coming, I was still all nervous. I got up around 530am (I have to be there at 930am) to go over the things I want to say, but also because I just couldn't sleep anymore. Jamie is up around 7am and gets ready and we leave around 8am with Emmitt and our Thank Dog shirts...we looked like twins.

We arrived at the preschool which is called Crosspoint...it's a christian preschool. That didn't bother me but I was a little surprised. Anyway, we walk in and before any of this, the principal of the school had told me prior to today that I would be speaking infront of 140 children about training and care. Yeah, that changed.

Jamie and I were led into a classroom, I am a little nervous, but she is calm because this was a familiar setting to her. We originally imagined a gym or auditorium doing one presentation. No, it was 4 presentations in this small room, which was better for me to be honest, but it took us longer to get through.

The first group came in and the fun began.

I led the first presentation and it was TERRIBLE. The children were only 3 years old, they wouldn't stop talking, I couldn't think of what I was supposed to talk about anyway. I just wanted to laugh at them because they were so rude (in a cute way) that it was hilarious. I just didn't have it together whatsoever and our presentation was way too complicated for them.

The second group was AWESOME. The kids cooperated and Jamie took more of a role in this one. She made them laugh and participate, I was impressed. The only thing was that, when it looked like I was struggling, Jamie would pop in, but she felt like she was interrupting me. I didn't care that she was to be totally honest, if it were up to me, she could have done the entire thing while I handled Emmitt.

The third group comes in...this was my worst performance yet. My lord, and I don't mean Jesus, it was terrible. I started to talk a lot and led most of this one because Jamie didn't want to interrupt me (which I would have welcomed, she is great at what she does!). At one point, I looked at the teachers and they all looked mean...throughout the entire thing, they wouldn't even give me a courtesy laugh. Because of this- and it was right after I had already told them to tell me about their dogs-I totally forgot what was next (you would think we would own this 15 minute presentation by now), my mind was blank. So, the next logical thing to me was to ask, "someone tell me about your dog". Both Jamie and I wanted to bust out laughing after I said that. I was drowning...I mean, we just went through 5 minutes of the kids telling us about them. It was terrible, TERRIBLE. Thank god Emmitt was still behaving.

The last group comes in and we rocked it. Jamie took the teacher role and I took the dog trainer role. We were a team. I wish all of them went like that, we should have decided that from the beginning. She made the kids laugh constantly, the teachers were laughing and there were parents in this one and they were laughing too. Everyone was having a good time and everyone was learning. Jamie did her thing and I was doing what I do best and that was just handling and teaching them how to handle the dogs. We even got compliments at the end of it from parents who never heard dog safety like we put it. They actually thanked us!


I guess this is Jamie week, because she has come through for me multiple times.

I need to give a shout out to Emmitt...Emmitt, wow, you were amazing today. I am so thankful that even though we didn't follow through with the training, you still seemed trained today. I love you like you are my own...here's to puppy paws and treats!

Jamie- I can't thank you enough for today. I am not sure I would have stuck through it without you. I am so impressed with your teaching skills and with just you in general. I feel like I can count on you for anything. Thank you.

A Trainer and A Teacher

Jill was asked to talk to a group of 160 students, this morning, at an elementary school in Chino. She is giving a presentation about how to care for a dog, how to approach one, and dog training. Emmitt and I are teaming up with her for support, demonstration, and because I've been a teacher for 5 years, I kinda know how to handle this sort of situation. It'll be interesting and pretty funny. We've never done anything like this together, let alone playing our career roles in front of one another. HA! Actually, I was able to observe Jill yesterday as a dog trainer (I was very impressed I must say), but she's never seen me in action. We're going to crack each other up without a doubt! I'll have a full report later in the day.

A Selfless Act

Jamie, Quinn, Emmitt, Riley and I had to get out of our house yesterday because we were getting it sprayed for bugs. We actually had to make it a point to be out of the house for a couple of hours. The only place we could think of that wasn't far away was of course Runyan Canyon. Wow...that was a major mistake!

We get there and of course we are fully aware that it was 100 degrees out, so in preparation I brought extra water. To my dismay, it still wasn't enough.

Riley couldn't even make it all the way DOWN, she had to be carried in my back pack. Of course, Jamie took my bag so she could carry her, bless her heart. Anyway, when we stopped to put Riley in the back pack, that is when the first water consumption started.

We were definitely hot at this point, but we were surviving it. Therefore, we didn't really think about how much water we were using each time we took a break. By the time we got down to the bottom, we had already used up the first bottle. Still, we didn't think it was as hot as we thought it would be so we decided to go up the steep side (not the hardest hike, but it's the second to hardest one), which was straight up stupid. Riley still couldn't walk at this point...I tried to get her to, but she fell on her back, so, we put her back in.

As we were climbing, I started to feel chills, which I know wasn't good in 100 degree weather. I overheated once before in a soccer game which 3 people had to take off my gear and water me down before I passed out. Anyway, I started to remember what that was like. Soooo, long story short, both Riley and I were really struggling. We used the rest of the water to cool down the other dogs as they walked, so we had no water and there was no shade to be found.

We got to the top (slowly) of the steep part and then I realized that I really did need some shade to rest for a minute-I just couldn't go any longer. I had bad chills at this point.

Lo and behold, Jamie put Riley down, the bag down and all of the leashes and ran with Emmitt and Quinn to the beginning of the hike where there was a water bucket thingy (hard to explain).

Now...this is amazing considering how hot, steep and far away from it we were. She filled up the water bottle, and came all the way back down and poured it all over Riley and I. This was such a selfless act, she didn't even think twice before doing it. I felt very loved and taken care of...so did Riley.

We walked back up together (Jamie's second time walking back up there, mind you) into the air conditioned car. I love you Jamie...thanks for that! Seriously.

A story from an unknown author

The Precious Present

Once there was a boy…. Who listened to an old man. And, thus, he began to learn about The Precious Present. "It is a present because it is a gift," the contented man explained. "And it is precious because anyone who receives such a present is happy forever."

"Wow!" the little boy exclaimed. "I hope someone give me The Precious Present. Maybe I'll get it for Christmas." The boy ran off to play. And the old man smiled. He liked to watch the little boy play. He saw the smile on the youngster's face and heard him laughing as he swung from a nearby tree. The boy was happy. And it was a joy to see.

The old man also liked to watch the boy work. He even rose early on Saturday mornings to watch the little laborer mow the lawn across the street. The boy actually whistled while he worked. The little child was happy no matter what he was doing. It was, indeed, a joy to behold.

Read More...

I like it.

ONLY my opinion.

I am a spiritual being. I believe we all have a soul, we're spirits who are made of energy. I believe that god is energy, that's why god is within each and everyone of us. That's why I don't believe in organized religion, I don't feel that I get my power from above, I get it from within. I love myself and EVERYTHING about me, I'm gay and god is still within me. There are no judgements from authentic human beings, the claim that there are, is hypocritical to the teachings. All of us should be concerned with one life and one life only, and that is our own. Organized religion causes more hate than anything else in life. It discriminates, judges, and dictates the natural way of being. I don't see anything wrong with going to church, saying prayers, and believing in heaven and hell. I just don't agree that it's a universal belief, I believe we're eternal spirits, some in a body, some not. I believe that prayers are for the universe to answer and heaven and hell are a state of mind. We create our own destiny and nobody will tell me where I'm going because it's up to me. I am the driver, the creator, the mother of my own life.

The Secret

I showed my household "The Secret" last night. They really enjoyed it, which brought us into some interesting conversation this morning. We are believers in the secret to life, so much that we're changing our perception to the project we're working on. It's a BIG deal, by the way, for those of you who don't know what it is. I wish I could tell the secret, but then it wouldn't be a secret anymore if I did. Plus, you need to watch the video in order to really get what it's saying. I'm very excited about this. It's going to make things a lot more fun and happy energy will be circulating in the air. What a perfect way to live!

It's hot!

Jill and I went to Runyan today with the dogs. Never again will I ever do that in this heat. All of us were so hot, we just wanted it to end. Now we're all worn out...

Landmark IS for everybody.

I've written many times about what Landmark is. I'm going to repost something I wrote awhile back:

"Life transformation is a scary thing, a difficult process that one must be ready to commit whole-heartedly to in order for it to work. It cannot be done without the willingness and open-mindedness of the person doing it; which leaves us with nothing but hope that our loved ones will take on this powerful journey.

Landmark Education is here to empower our thinking and the people around us. It teaches us the tools we need to live happily, freely, and peacefully in order for us to succeed. This education makes it possible to make our relationships grow stronger and to mend others where they're not complete."

I heard many times, during my SELP class, that people were frustrated they couldn't get their loved ones to go through. Just recently, I also experienced a resistance from someone who came to me for support. It's okay, it's an individual choice, it's not ours to make. People use the excuse that the Forum is not for them, but in all reality, it's for everyone. They teach logic, a new logic to "living." Everyone could benefit, bringing something new into their lives. Even those that don't think they need it, would still leave with a new understanding of life. What's there to lose if you're already happy...you'll be even happier?

The people who baffle me the most though are the ones who go through the beginning of the Forum and then bail. Their selfish act comes shining through, so much that they don't think twice and quit. They don't care how they affect people around them, as long as they don't have to deal with themselves. I had one of those during my weekend. She got all the way through until saturday evening, then left after all that work. Man, she must've saw some scary things, some ugliness just pouring through. The funny thing is, I did too. I felt I got punched in the stomach a few times, I wanted to hide out. I knew I was stronger than that, so I chose to stay and keep going. After all, I was there for a reason. I wanted to better myself and the way I lived...there was no turning back for me. I knew I had to confront all the pain, the misery, all the negativity I created. It was the only way I'd open my eyes and take responsibility for myself and my actions. I hated every minute, discovering this person I didn't know I was being. It made me sad acknowledging the way I viewed people and situations. I wasn't a bad person, I just needed a perception change.

My point: Everyone has room to grow, no matter who you are. Saying the Landmark Forum "isn't for me" can't be a true statement unless one has been through it and I mean all the way through. It's all about the experience when one allows themselves to have it. If being open-minded is not an option, then of course "it's not for you."

My night.

I walked into the Landmark room, unknowing of what to expect. Our leader introduced herself, as her passion for the course just radiated through. The coaches sat in the back, observing, listening, taking notes for their time to choose who they would be coaching for the next 3 1/2 months. Each coach would be assigned to at least 3 to 4 people, intended to make small groups for the purpose of support and forming a new kind of team. I like that, it's such an intimate and comforting way to get to know people. I was really attached to my seminar group, so I can see how beneficial this will be.

It was the middle of the day, when all 45 participants had to do our "talks." Each one of us had to stand in front of the room and share who we are as a possibility (I am the possibility of being "action" and "strength.") and the act we're giving up (I am giving up the act that I have to be perfect.). Then we were asked to share our consistencies on what has been happening since the Advanced Course, and what has been stopping us. The purpose of this exercise was for the coaches to see who would best fit with them and their possibilities.

Last night, around 9:30, the coaches were ready to announce who they chose individually and as a group. They all stood in front of the room, taking turns reading the possibilities and the names attached to them. I was a bit nervous at first, but then I quickly got over it when I thought if there is no connection, it'd actually be a great test for me and my ability of acceptance. Alice steps forward and that's when my possibility was read. I was very excited to stand up and to choose her back as my coach. I looked at my group standing and felt at ease, I instantly knew we had something special. I couldn't have asked for a better group, we're going to kick some ass!

Just one of the guys...not really.

Yesterday was a long day, but I am really excited! I saw some familiar faces from my Advanced Course, so that was nice. I made some new buddies to hang out with, Hugo, in particular. It's so weird, I was telling Gina last night when I got home how it was just me and the guys the whole time, as always. I don't think it really has to do with us both liking the girls; after all, most of the time the guys are gay, ha! No, it's been like that my whole life and it never seems to change. Jill and Gina are the same way, obviously, when you look at our circle of friends, we're surrounded by all men. It's fun, there tends to be less drama that way and I find the connection to be a lot quicker. I'm not saying I don't have many girlfriends because I do! I have very close friends who are girls, but when you put me in an unfamiliar place, I naturally tend to gravitate towards the men. For instance, at dinner it was 5 men and little old me sitting at the table. To make it even more ironic, 3 of the men were gay and I didn't know it until conversation began.

Self-Expression and Leadership Program

Yup! That's where I'm going to be ALL day today. Here's a refresher of what it is: It's the completion of the Landmark Curriculum. This is the last and final part of the education which will reinforce everything we've learned. We choose a project, something that will empower us, and work on it for 3 months. Each participant will be assigned a coach for support and to guide us in the areas where it's needed.

At first, I didn't want to do this and have been dreading it up until a few days ago. I think a lot of people feel that way after completing the Advanced Course and that's why they don't sign up. I totally get that. There were three reasons why I signed up:

1. Landmark changed my life. I found my passion, my fire, I started this blog because of it. I want to complete the whole curriculum for that reason alone. I felt I owed it to myself to see it the whole way through. It's what I've learned, it's what I write about, it's what will make me a powerful human being. I can't wait to see how far I can go because I already feel very good about where I am and what I do today.

2. I want Accoyo! to succeed. My parents gave us a gift and I want to prove to myself and to them that we can make this work. Of course, we're going to turn the buisness into a teddy bear company, but in order for us to do that, the inventory has got to go. Our goal this year is to sell as much we can so we can turn this possibility into reality.

3. I want the discipline of working hard for something I want.

I'm really looking forward to it now! Time to shower:)

Don't short yourself

I had a long talk with Gina this morning. I am really enjoying my conversations with her. Anyway, of course we talked about Landmark and our experience and she asked me if there was anything that I thought she didn't get from Landmark and my answer was no. I was thrilled with everything she got on just that Friday. Seriously, I would have been completely happy if it just ended there, but as we know, this wasn't about me. Of course, I am glad it went beyond that because she obviously got complete with her mom, which was huge.

It's been really interesting watching people go through Landmark. Being the judgemental person that I am...or excuse me...was (ha!), I of course, like any human being, would hope that the person going into it would get what I think they should get. I am probably wrong for that, but I am just being honest.

Jamie was the one that got me to do Landmark...she recognized the things I secretly wanted her to recognize for herself because I knew it would make her excel as a person. She has always been a great lady, but man, she was completely different-in a great way- when completing the forum. Therefore, my expectation of Landmark only heightened in regards to making people dig deep inside themselves, even if it may sting a little to realize the things that will better them. If you don't do that, I feel like it's a waste of time. You need to go in with an open mind even if you are blindsided because to be honest, that is what will make you complete.

I went into Landmark hoping it would solve my weight problem, confidence and communication, but was unsure how it would do those things for me. Little did I know that I would actually find the cause of my issues. I feel like I was able to get down to where my faults were and have openly admitted, but didn't realize until the forum, that I hated myself which made me judgemental (about all of the things I am insecure about) of other people. I also realized that because of my self hatred, I was not able to be intimate with my friends or family. I realized that even though I am insecure, I am self absorbed. These are all things I am still working through. Landmark wasn't a quick fix, it's more about perspective and realizations and giving you the tools to work through them.

If you go into Landmark focused on one thing, then that one thing is going to be what your entire experience is about. All you are doing is shorting yourself. Be open, it will lead you to places you have never even imagined - good and bad. I can't wait to go to the advanced course to dive deeper into what makes me the way that I am. I know it's going to hurt a lot, but man, it's going to be refreshing at the same time.

A lonley thought...

As much as I love my home and the people I live with, I'm getting the sense that all this pet sitting is happening for a reason. Jill and I were working on my rate sheet and I got grumpy for a moment. I didn't want to have the hours we first put down because I was afraid I'd miss out, never be able to do anything, become out of touch with my friends. I sucked it up and kept the original times, only because I knew in order for me to get clients, I need to build relationships and commit to what I'm actually trying to do here.

It occurred to me yesterday, as I was sitting alone, that this is exactly where I'm supposed to be. In order for my life transformation to succeed, not only do I need my friends, but I need to take it on as an individual as well. I need to feel confident when I'm not around them, I need to support myself as I would at home. This is the time for me to apply everything I know and to prove my independence.

Make the problem into a situation.

Being positive is the key to success. Whatever positivity we put out, we'll get back in return. So by using the word "problem," it's going against that philosophy. A problem is represented as being a negative. I stress out at problems, I become frustrated, irritable, and sometimes angry. It doesn't feel good when there's a problem, it keeps me from accomplishing what I need to and it draws out the process, taking longer than it should.

Now, if I approach the "problem" as a situation, then it's easier to move forward. The negative feeling isn't attached and the mood doesn't change, which makes the situation a positive one to deal with. When I'm in that mindset, I don't get easily frustrated and the task gets finished quicker. Language is everything! I just started to use this way of thinking, so I will be practicing it as well.

Challenge # 15

I have SELP tomorrow. It's going to be challenging and I'm looking forward to it. After I watched that video,"What Is The Secret?", I really get what I have to do now, the mindset I have to be in, the mood that will get me through. I can't reveal what the "secret" it is, only because it's an experience and I want you ALL to watch it. What I will say is, last night I sat here and wrote down everything I'm asking for my life. It was really cool to actually put those thoughts together for my eyes to see. I wrote everything in a positive way, saying what I wanted and NOT what I didn't want or have any negativity attached to it. For challenge #15- I have to read it three times a day, everyday until I can start taking things off the list. It may take a long time, it may not...we'll see!

My first sub assignment.

I'm subbing tomorrow for my friend Andrea, she's a kindergarten teacher. It's Friday, the beginning of the school year, and my old teaching buddies will be by my side...it'll be a cool day.

My last night here.

I have officially fallen for the animals I've been watching. I love their company and their personalities. Stella, a 1 year old puggle, may be crazy at times, but she managed to win me over. Franky may be a sick cat, a 15 year old with diabetes, but the more I took care of him, the more I became attached. And, then there's Sammy, a 9 year old puggle, he stole my heart from the beginning.

A MUST SEE!!!!!!

My friend, Julz, sent me this link to watch "What Is The Secret?" I've never seen anything like this on video. I can't stress to you enough how AMAZING it was! It could literally change your life by just watching and being open to it. There is a cost...$4.95 and it's 90 minutes long. I STRONGLY RECOMMEND IT! It inspired me so much that I purchased the DVD so I will have it with me always and show it to anyone and everyone who wants to see it. Wow. It's the secret to life...

A Thursday morning thought...

I think I'm being tested. Everyone in my life either has a significant other or are on the way there. This is an unfamiliar space for me. Usually, I'm apart of the "I'm taken" group. I think it's good for me, my strength of being single is definitely shining through. I don't miss having a girlfriend, I don't feel lonely either. I like that a lot. I never used to have that mentality. I don't go looking and I'm definitely not on the prowl, it says a great deal of where I am today. I'm proud of that. I'm happy within myself and I know where I want to be...it's right here, right now. I'm learning a lot about who I am and what I bring to the table. I'm learning how to be with myself and not needing someone else. I'm learning what it means to be patient and having those expectations of someone I deserve. I'm learning to appreciate life and all the gifts that it brings. I'm loving my friends, that's all I need.

Tonight

I cooked a lasagna dinner tonight for Gina and Calen's Landmark completion and graduation. Jill and Josh both should've been included, since we didn't have one for them. I felt bad when everyone arrived, as soon as I gave Gina and Calen their cards...I realized I never gave one to Jill and Josh. It's a big deal, the journey they went through. I'm acknowledging that right now. I love them both dearly, I'm sorry there wasn't more.

As we were opening up the champagne, Josh hands me a letter. He told me to read it out loud to the group; it was Me, Calen, Gina, and Jill at the moment....Marisa was outside. I went along with the request, unknowing of what it said. The letter was from Josh, of course I was going to read it! I began reading and half way through, I immediately got choked up. It was an amazing letter, I was truly touched. I knew it was from his heart, I wouldn't have reacted this way otherwise. I cried, which is so out of character for me. My unfamiliar action made me think: If it wasn't for Marisa, there would be no letter. Marisa is the reason I did Landmark. Marisa is the reason why I was able to share the gift of life to my awesome and loving friends.

Thank you Josh, you have no idea how much that affected me.

Thank you Marisa, for bringing Landmark into my life.

Life is good!

Something really AMAZING happened in the last two days for Gina. I'm going to leave it to her to share her story, but what I can say now is (deep breath)...her mom is going to do the Landmark Forum. HOLY SHIT! That's huge.

POP!

...there goes Gina...

A quick thought...

The funny thing is, now that I'm completely present to being present, I never stopped to realize why writing in the moment is so much fun. I'm living my thoughts and since they are happy ones...I'm in a fantastic mood!

Haha...I would strongly recommend this book to everyone: "The Power Of Now" by Eckhart Tolle.

A Present Moment

If I'm always looking to the future, then I'm not happy with where I am right now. For instance, if I'm worried that I don't have someone in my life, or I don't have enough money, or I can't find the right job, then I'm not happy with myself. Those worries would be my signal that something needs to change within me, my inner being. This very moment is what matters the most because I can't live in the future, it's impossible. Just like in the past, we all lived each one of those moments. Living moment to moment is life, it's how true happiness will exist. In my reality, I am very happy right now. I love myself, I love what I'm doing, I love my family and friends...at this moment, there is nothing to change. Hmmm...I guess that means I'm pretty present right now. I'm sitting on the couch, enjoying the morning, typing my thoughts on this computer. I couldn't ask for a better time than what I'm experiencing RIGHT NOW. I'm at peace, I'm feeling relaxed, and now that I'm really in touch...I'm also very hungry...it's time to eat!

Being present is everything.

I was reading "The Power of Now" last night and it really occurred to me just how being present is literally the secret of living a happy life. I mean, I already knew that after taking the forum, but this book kind of reinforced that perception for me. Most people either live in the past or future, which causes anxiety, stress, anger, fear...you get the picture.

Take a minute, stop right now, become aware of your surroundings... are there any negative feelings? No, there can't be unless you're off in la la land and I'm the one stessing you out...I certainly hope that's not the case! Anyway, if you don't feel present, ask yourself if you're being present and immediately you'll become it. Ready...go!

If it worked, you shouldn't be thinking about the past or what is in store for you in the future. You're living in THIS moment, the one where YOU are staring at the screen, reading this post. Now that you're here, it's time to observe...what feelings are you having now? Do you feel anxiety or stress? No, because you're focused on what you're doing RIGHT NOW. It totally makes sense and I am going to keep practicing this. The more I practice, the longer I can be present over time, just like anything else in life. I want to become the most present human being that I possibly can. That way, I will take things as they come, I will stop worrying, I will get rid of my fears, I will be one happy and successful lady in each moment that I live. And, guess what? You can be too!

I'm dogsitting and alone...I can't stop writing- Ha!

It's unbelievable to how much compassion I have for people and their situations now. I was a butt for a long time, I am totally aware of that. I wish I wasn't so immature in that way, I could've had some strong relationships if I knew then what I know now. I'm not regretful, I wouldn't be free if I was. I'm just reflecting back to those days.

It's funny how young our minds can be at any age. Before Landmark, I would've given anything to be in the young 20s again. Not now, I like being an adult. I'm aware of my surroundings, I can't imagine taking my relationships for granted, I appreciate life and what a gift it is. I'm excited to see what my future holds, I love adult conversations and the joy it brings me when they go on for hours. I love to read books that never would've interested me, and sharing them is fun too. I love to keep smiles on people's faces, I'll go out of my way to make it happen. I genuinely care how I affect other people because living positively is the way life should be.

OMG!

It just dawned on me that I start SELP (Self-Expression Leadership Program) this Saturday. Whoa. I think I got myself in for a busy next 3 months. I'm not mentally ready for it, but I think that's good because it'll give me the discipline to get me there. I'm choosing Accoyo! as my project. I'm not sure what I'll be doing for it yet, but this will be where my next several challenges will come from. Oh boy...my plate is soon to become very full! Luckily, we're assigned a coach, that I have to meet with every week. He/she will be guiding me through, I'm looking forward to it.

My Victim Story

I was born a victim. The moment I began my life, I had to have surgery and almost died. Of course, everyone around me would cater to all my needs. I grew up with that mentality, nobody's fault but my own. I liked having that cushion, the one that kept me safe and secure, the one that didn't make me do things on my own. It was easy and I could always get away with it. It wasn't until my senior year in high school that made it even more so then ever.

Another surgery, here we go. I never dreamed this would happen, but it did. I wasn't scared, not sure why. Maybe it was because I was young and didn't really understand. I felt indestructible, that mindset we all know. Being in the hospital for three weeks really broke me down. I wanted nothing more than to come home and leave that place. So much pain to be had, so many tears to be shed. Finally, the nightmare was over and I was free to go home. I was in a weakened state. I couldn't do much on my own. I was coddled like a little baby, the victim was now in play.

From that moment on, it was hard to deal with situations all the way through. It was easier to give up because I had nothing to lose. Everybody had my back, after all, I was the girl with the unfortunate circumstances. So much worrying to be had, but it wasn't coming from me. Nope, I just went with the flow and let everyone do the dirty work for me. I became selfish in that way, expecting things I didn't deserve. I didn't like that person, but it was the only thing I knew. I'd be overly sensitive to criticism and if things weren't going my way. I didn't know how to deal with the real world, I hid almost my whole life. It wasn't until I came to California that I started to open my eyes and see things for what they were.

After 4 years of being out here, I still couldn't grow into an adult. I had too many stories, too many meanings, too many failures as I saw them to be. I felt incapable of life, I was depressed for most of the time. My last relationship was going terribly and that's when I found out I had to have surgery again. We broke up, not to anyone's fault. We didn't know how to handle each other anymore, too much pain and suffering going on. The doctor called me and gave me the news, a hysterectomy was now the procedure. Two months of waiting, finally it was here. My parents flew out and I was feeling numb. That following Monday, I went in. Little did I know, my surgery would be 6 hours long. I woke up to my mom's face, it was like a dream that will always stay with me. I was in the hospital for a whole month, kicking and screaming, a terrified little girl. My hormones were wacky and I didn't know how to cope. I hated my life, it sucked and I wanted to go home. When I did, I was angry for a long time after, trying to survive as I always knew best. I was a full blown victim, a little girl who needed help all the time. Life was too hard, I couldn't take the lead.

Two years passed, and I was still in a rut. Landmark was my last hope, and I grabbed it with everything I had. I wanted out of this space, it was keeping me from life. Thankfully, I knew it wasn't okay to be unhappy, otherwise, I don't know where I would've ended up. I entered the Landmark Forum in February. I went through the whole weekend by myself, discovering who I am and who I wasn't. That following Monday, I really got it! I grew up over the course of a weekend, I was finally an adult at age 29.

Post-Landmark Perception

Wow! This is what life is about. I want to do this, this, and this...let's go! Hmmm, I didn't realize it was such a game. People are real and I have unconditional love. Why didn't I know this before? What happened in the past only happened. Huh!?! You mean it doesn't mean I'm an ugly person or I don't deserve someone special in my life? Great because it's been wearing me down, it hasn't been a fun place to be. I can only take it as it comes, watch out! My eyes are open and I see it all, those little things won't take me over anymore. You have a concern? Spill it please! I'd like to get it over with so we can get on with life. You have nothing to do with me, so be as you want. I know I choose to be happy so I invite you to play with me. Challenges are exciting, so I guess that means being happy is a thrill of a lifetime. I want that! Yeah, since I'll be here for awhile, I mind as well make the best of it! Judgments are dumb, I don't even know you. How can I form an opinion if the experience isn't there? It'd be baseless and untrue, oh hey...maybe we should get to know each other? I never thought I'd have a passion, but look at me now! It's just a natural flow, I don't even have to think about it. I love to create because I believe in myself. Huh, is this what they call self-love?

Pre-Landmark Perception

I was blinded by my thoughts, I was hiding behind my feelings. There was no way out, I didn't have anywhere to go. There was tension and so much confusion, I didn't believe life was supposed to be good. I accepted the pain, the sadness, the loneliness that was created. It was comforting, it didn't take any effort to be in that space. I just let my mind wander in so many directions, not taking responsibility for it's path. There was no point, life sucked. People weren't supposed to be happy, no...they were to survive, like me...everyday.

"Poor me. I want to go sulk in my room, I don't need to go out and experience life. What for? Something will happen to ruin it anyway. Fear is my roadblock, I don't want to do that. If I fail, it'll really show how incompetent I am. Things don't happen for a reason, they happen to me. I am the victim in this game, who wants to play? I'm sure there's many, but I choose to go alone. I am my own person, I don't need you or anybody else. Love sucks because it always ends. Why can't I find the right lady? My attitude is shitty, but that's because life isn't fair. I didn't ask for this so why is it here? I'm weak, another sad soul. Pity me please because I can't seem to get enough. I know I'm unhappy, so you should know it too. I wonder why I don't have any friends? I have no integrity, I can never seem to get stuff done. Why don't people believe me when I say I'm going to do something? I have no energy, I can't get off the couch. It's too hard to face the day, I'm staying in."

Waahhh!

Talk about accepting situations for what they are....I had to take the cat, Franky, to the vet this morning. I just heard from the doctor and he said I have to pick him up today around 6 and still give him his nightly medicine. Then, tomorrow at 7am, I have to bring him back for the test results. Man, I'm not going to be able to go celebrate tonight with everyone. It's quite a crowd too! Let's see, I believe Gina, Jill, Calen, Josh, Troy, Casey, Chad, Dianne, Frank, and maybe Marisa and Carrie are all meeting at the Abbey...my favorite place. Boohoo...poor me.

OK! I am now accepting the situation for what it is because I have to. I'm not going to be bummed, I'm going to take care of these animals like I committed to do. Ooh! I know what I'll do! I'll start reading my book that I've been meaning to get to. It'll keep me present and in the moment, after all, it is called, "The Power Of Now."

A quick thought...

I just took a nap. I am worn out! We didn't get much sleep this weekend and boy have I been feeling it. I'm petsitting right now until Thursday. I actually met the gang at home last night, when Gina was finished with her Sunday evening around 11ish. I couldn't go because I had a sickly cat to take of and it's much better to have the interaction afterwards instead of sitting in the forum, not being able to talk. It's funny, I've been to quite a few Sunday nights already. As long as my friends want to keep going and making their lives better, I wouldn't hesitate to go to all the Sundays. What an impact it's made in my life and for the people around me. Life is so pleasant, so enjoyable to live. Now that we have a full household of extraordinary people, we're going to be leading extraordinary lives together...can't ask for anything better than that!

Celebration

We're going to have some drinks tonight, so Gina can have some social interaction. She's loving her blank slate, her tense free way of being. She wants to share with all our friends what she got because it's such an amazing perception change for her. She experienced what we all have now, taking away all the meanings that were applied to every story we lived. Just from observation alone, I can see that the heaviness of life has been lifted off her shoulders and was replaced with pure enlightenment. Everything she knew and everything she experienced were finally accepted and that is what the Landmark Forum is about. As Calen put it, Gina just started her life all over again. Congrats lady! It's time to have some fun!

My act of having to be perfect.

I was playing my act all weekend and became aware of it yesterday. After I realized what I was doing, I reviewed my Advanced Course notes and instantly snapped out of it, becoming present. I wanted both Gina and Julie to be okay, not realizing that it was to make myself feel okay. If they are happy, I am happy, and that's what would make me be perfect in that moment. It's such a mind struggle at times, a constant battle between reality and unreality. Once I got it though, I was empowered to move onto the next step. And, that's when I called Khush, the Landmark Queen, who I completely trust and feel very open to. I felt I needed guidance on how to approach Gina and what she was dealing with. Khush successfully told me what I needed to hear and coached me back into the Advanced Course perception that I've been missing for awhile. Thankfully I got it now and I'm as powerful as ever!

Making an old possibility a reality.

I've been really indecisive lately. "Should I or shouldn't I?" is the main question I've been asking myself. I'm losing power over these choices because I feel I need other views to help me through. There's only one solution to my racket and that is to live by the possibility I created in the Advanced Course. I created the possibility of being "action" and "strength." What this is to me: I will have the strength to make my own choices, feel powerful about it, and then act as I see fit. Ready...GO!

ZZZZZZZZ

I can't sleep. I have so much running through my mind right now, I can't relax enough to fall asleep. Gina came home tonight after her first day at Landmark. To think I was nervous for her all day was totally absurd. She dived right in, got hers tools, and brought them right home. Calen, Jill, and I just sat and listened to her talk. She was totally different, not in a new kind of person way, it was just obvious that a new perception was already taking place. It was almost like everytime she shared something, she got something new right in front of our eyes. It was such a cool thing to witness, I couldn't have asked for anything more. There was a certain presence about her, that the three of us were completely drawn to. At one point I looked over at Calen, and we both lit up knowing that our household just got exceptionally stronger. All I can say is, if Gina doesn't get anything else out of the weekend than what she did tonight, I would be completely happy with that. She blew me away...

Calen

Calen and Me

It's awesome to be around the new Calen. I love talking to him, sharing my thoughts, feelings, and new possibilities. I'm not sure if he recognizes how different he is, but I do...we ALL do. It's very easy to approach him, I don't even think twice anymore. He's so open to what I have to say, so inviting for good conversation. There's days he feels he's regressing, but I would be the first to argue that. He's very aware and in touch with himself, a way he's never been before. Calen is all grown-up, I love observing the change. I'm really proud of him for taking this journey, the one I've been on for awhile now.

Love.

I was reminded this morning of what love truly means.

Many times I pass off love as an immature state-of-mind, a construed outlook on life or a clouded adventure – love limits. My meaning – and that’s all it is – is so far off, I should be beaten dead for it. Love is the undying loyalty, trust and admiration for someone that transcends all boundaries, all clouds and all obstacles and elevates you both to a new level of existence. Love is watching Gina – just a few short months ago – beat herself up with emotions as Jill experienced Landmark, anxiously awaiting Jill’s return home each night in hopes to share in her joys, tribulations and roadblocks. Gina, all-the-while mortified that Jill will discover something horrible about Gina that causes her to reconsider their relationship. This morning, I was once again reminded of this love as Jill professed these same anxieties and emotions.

Landmark makes you realize that humans by nature are cynical and pessimistic, outlooks that hinder everything we do. As in the words of my Landmark mentor Jamie… Jill and Gina, consider this experience will be the unseen door into a relationship that has unlimited possibilities. Not only will your relationship become stronger through this experience, but also will solidify with an optimistic outlook. I love you both and look forward to the amazingly wonderful experiences that await you as a couple…in love.

To Jill:

What Gina is going to find out is she does need you. She needs you as a friend, a partner, and her wife. It will confirm to her how lucky she is and how in love she is with you. If anything, this will make you both stronger, as individuals and as a couple. I'm not in your place, I can't imagine how hard this is...the waiting, the long hours, the time passing by so slowly. What I do know is, Gina is one of the strongest people we both know and she's going to be great. She's going to experience what we have already and that means the world to her. If nothing else, that will make her happy because that's how she is. She throws herself into her life, as she does in her family and friends lives. She's a special lady and she'll do her best for her, for you, and for all of us because that's the type of person she is. She wants to succeed and undoubtedly, she will.

See that post down there, the one I wrote for your anniversary? I meant every word. You ladies have a love that will NEVER go away. You two fit...that's all there is to it. There's no reason to worry, we all had to go through our hardships to get the results we have today. Gina will have to go through hers too and when she does, she's going to be awesome.

A Nervous Wreck

Well, my lady is going through her Landmark experience today and my stomach is in knots. I can't stop crying and am not really understanding it.

We all know how awesome the Landmark forum is. Everyone who has done it has come out a completely different person-for the better. Everyone raves about it and claims it to be life changing...so why am I so upset?

I think it's because I can't be there with her to hold her as she needs it. I think I just feel helpless as I sit here speculating what's going on. I want Gina to dive in head first and really get something out of this, but at the same time, I am a nervous nelly. I guess I just love her.

Funny how I go through my days almost taking my relationship for granted because I am on such a familiar routine. Gina leaving this morning has made me realize just how lucky I am to have this person in my life that I care so deeply about. I guess my fear is that she may realize she doesn't need me.

Wow...this weekend is going to be so hard for me...but, as we all know, it isn't about me. It's about her. Whatever happens she will be better for it and frankly, that's all that matters.

Complete

A few posts ago, I was talking about somebody I needed to get closure with and got it by writing an email. Yesterday, I unexpectedly heard from her and it was great. I didn't write my letter for any reason but for completion and to my surprise, I talked to her several times throughout the day. We kind of just picked up where we left off. We joked, laughed, and caught each other up with what was happening in our lives. It was funny though, she thanked me for being the one to reach out because she couldn't bring herself to do it. She thought about me as much as I was thinking about her and you know what? I knew that. We had a connection that I can't explain, I think that's why I was able to send it to her. I'm happy I took action, I got a friend out of it and it was the last thing I thought would happen. That completion stuff sure is a powerful tool for life.

Dogsitter- That's me!

I have my first dogsitting job on Sunday. The house is super cute and there's lots of fun things that come with it...including a pool! It will be a lot of alone time for me...I'm looking forward to it!

Beautifully Stated

My mom sent me this in an email. It's one of those chain letters I guess. Anyway, I normally don't participate, but I loved the words and I feel that I should share since it is what this blog is all about:

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Don't be afraid that your life will end,
be afraid that it will never begin.
~anonymous~