Another cute one.

I don't trust...

Myself. That’s the breakthrough discovery I had at Landmark this past weekend.

I participated in the Advanced Course this past weekend and discovered a whole new dimension to my comfort level and understanding of group dynamic – specifically my role. First, I believe it’s important to distinguish between the Forum and the Advanced Course.

In the Landmark Forum I was able to create new possibilities for living and experience a new and unique kind of freedom and power – a freedom to be at ease no matter what the circumstances and the power to be in action effectively.

In the Landmark Advanced Course I was able to create and design a future informed by my past, but not limited by it. A future that draws me forth powerfully into the present.

Once again, three long intensely self-reflective days awaited me. I jumped in once again, but this time things weren’t as easy and comforting for me. In the advanced course, a more community or group focus is encouraged – I learn from those around me. Thus I needed to open up and be with group. This was difficult for me – especially on Friday and Saturday as I wasn’t comfortable or willing “to be” with the group. On Sunday, things began to happen for me and I really embraced the breakthroughs I was having, as well as the awesome activities that allowed me to be more comfortable in my own skin. What I discovered is that I really was being my ACT… and through that ACT, I was not allowing myself “to be.”

“Who I am is the possibility of being bold and courageous. The ACT I’m giving up is that I don’t trust myself. That is who I am.”

Wow. What an adventure Landmark has been.

A thank you goes out to Jamie for enrolling me in this possibilities from the get-go. To Jill for reinforcing the dramatic difference Landmark can take and to Gina for helping me to realize my ACT (without her, I thought I didn’t trust “you”). Thank you ladies as I truly appreciate your dedication and love to me.

***This is Dragon Rider's Post...not Jamie

I'm not good enough.

I had a coaching call with Alice yesterday. I wasn't feeling coachable at first, she actually told me to call her on Friday because this was a waste of her time. I agreed to "get off" it and go on with the call. She was trying to get to the source of why I was being so resistant to the course and where it's been showing up in my life. This conversation led to my act, however, we realized that my act of having to be perfect wasn't the dominant one, it was only a manifestation of my real act. When I thought about it, my having to be perfect only shows up in a few things, most of the time it's me feeling that I'm not good enough. I have to be perfect because I am not good enough. Huh. It struck a chord, it made more sense to how I've been living my life and in my relationships. I play it safe because I'm not good enough. I stay in my comfort zone because I'm not good enough to take those risks. I avoid vulnerability, for fear of rejection, because I'm not good enough. I am stingy about my love in relationships because I'm not good enough to love and to be loved like that. This is so true. The more I'm writing about this, the more things are coming up for me. I've actually questioned before why some people like me, why it's always been easy for me to make friends or to find dates. I never thought to step back and look at why there WAS a question, why I couldn't accept the fact that I'm just a likeable person. It was me trying to prove to myself that I'm not good enough, that I'm not worthy of another's attention. The funny thing is, deep down I know that I am, I feel it often; but as soon as my fears show up, it's back to my act of "I'm not good enough" and I shut down to where I find it extremely difficult to open up again. It takes up a lot of my energy, it doesn't feel good. So now I added a new possibility to my old one, one that could play a significant part in my life if I keep my integrity with it everyday. Who I am, is the possibility of self-expression, vulnerability, and LOVE. The act I'm giving up is "I'm not good enough" and THAT is who I am. Word!

I thought it was cute!

Mind Overdrive

For the past two nights, I've had a hard time falling asleep, which makes it difficult for me to get up in the morning. I don't want to sleep in, so I literally drag myself out of bed and immediately go for the coffee. I think my mind may be in overdrive, thinking of all the things I need to get done and what I'm going to do next. I'm not stressed out or have anxiety, I just can't stop thinking...

Lazy

I'm exercising today! I feel unhealthy. Not sure why but ever since I stopped going to a day job, I've been lazy with myself. I stopped exercising, my water consumption has been slacking, I forget to take my vitamins, and I sometimes forget to eat. It sure doesn't make me feel good, I need to figure out a schedule because I used to feel SO good and I was in the best shape. Hmmm...I guess we'll see how bad I really want it.

Tonight

Calen is completing his Advanced Course this evening. We're very proud of him! I haven't been able to have a full conversation with him about it yet, but from what I hear and what he's told me so far...I think it worked for him! YAY!

YAY!

We're going to New York next week! I'm so excited, I can hardly wait:) It's been awhile since I've been on vacation, in fact, I don't remember the last one I've been on. I think it may have been Florida, visiting my parents a few years ago. Wow, that's sad. I need to travel more...

Doing my SELP homework

I just enrolled Carrie into my Accoyo! project and then registered her into going with me into small boutiques, to sell our clothes. She has this amazing charm about her that people can't get enough of when they are around. She's perfect for this adventure, this could actually turn into a fun little game for us. After all, it wasn't hard to talk her into it, she made it pretty damn easy. She loves....yay!

Busy Day

I have a busy day today, I'm picking up Jill from the airport, then visiting Ignatious for an hour of walking and working with him for a little bit. After that, I am going to begin the organization of Accoyo! beginning with all the filing I have to do and then brainstorming what my next moves will be. I have so much time on my hands now, I'm going to make Accoyo! my primary focus to get ready for this winter season.

Terrible Sleep

I had the worst sleep last night, which was unfortunate being that it was my first night back home in two weeks. Man, I couldn't stop tossing and turning, it was almost like I wasn't even tired at all. Then Quinn and Riley decide to get up at 2 in the morning because they want to be fed. Gina was so tired, she didn't realize the time and went to feed them anyway. The noise woke Emmitt, so I had to take him out to go potty. A couple hours later, Quinn and Riley began barking like crazy, walking around the house, making SO MUCH NOISE! Emmitt, then, had to go outside again due to his upset tummy, not sure what that's about. I tried to go back to sleep and woke up again to Quinn being a weirdo. Finally, I did fall asleep, but it wasn't a good one. It was that kind that feels very heavy, like I'm kind of aware but can't wake up. I'm dreaming and know I'm dreaming, but I feel extremely lethargic. Not sure if that's a familiar state to any of you, but I don't like it. It makes me feel even more tired after I literally have to drag myself out of bed. Blahhhhhhhh!

Let me be.

I had my class tonight and was really resistant to it. Their big thing is for everyone to participate and to share...I didn't want to. It's that pressure thing. When it's there, I don't want to do something because it doesn't feel authentic to me, it doesn't occur for me as being natural. I like to do things on my own pace and when I'm feeling comfortable or courageous, that's when I'll be the most self-expressed. For example, I've been resisting a conversation with a certain someone for awhile now and FINALLY sucked it up and became vulnerable. It felt natural because nobody forced me to speak up, nobody pressured me into sharing what I needed to. I felt an amazing weight being lifted off of me as soon as I opened up. It didn't matter what she was going to say because I was speaking my mind, clearing my head, something I needed to move forward. It was really great, I feel like I'm living this course because of how much I've been putting myself out there and sharing the things that I have. Just because I don't stand in front of everyone in my class, doesn't mean I'm not getting the course. I totally get SELP, I wouldn't be in it still if I didn't. SO BACK OFF PEOPLE! Just kidding! Well...half kidding;)

Catching up on some serious tv...ha!

Ahhhh, it's good to be home. I just finished visiting Ignatious, my other doggy client and now I have the afternoon to myself until class this evening. Hello Tivo! Oh, how I missed you...

Emmitt, my little man

Emmitt is doing wonderfully, he's finally trained after several months of procrastinating it. Oops! I still have to work with him on a daily basis so he won't forget everything he learned and keeps listening like he is now. He's awesome...I'm so proud of my little boy. Aw, September 6th is his first birthday, he's turning into a dog. HA! We'll definitely be making a Runyan trip then, since it will be his special day to celebrate his manhood!

They're home!

My clients came home last night, they were shocked to see how different their dogs were. In fact, the Mrs. told me I should be on the Jay Leno Show, she was amazed to how calm they were, how well they were listening to each command, and just being with all 5 dogs in the room. Apparently, that never happens without chaos and a lot of barking. Her husband felt the same way, he kept telling me what a fantastic job I did. I had goosebumps, I've never been acknowledged like that from people I work for. When I was a teacher, those compliments rarely came from the administrators, only fellow teachers, which was nice but not as satisfying. To see their gratitude, the appreciation, the way they lit up as each dog was doing something they never thought possible, was an awesome feeling. I felt like I really made a huge contribution to these people's lives, a feeling that will not soon be forgotten. Two weeks of isolation and handling 4 dogs at once was well worth their reactions! YAY!

It's ALMOST over!

My clients are coming home today, which makes me very excited. My last day of work will be tomorrow, I can hardly wait! I dropped Emmitt off at home this morning, I can only imagine how happy he is right now. He's back home where he belongs, back in his comfort zone, back with his loving family. Huh, I'm actually jealous of my dog...I want to be back there too:(

PARTY!

Jill is the lucky one who got to fly home to Ohio this weekend for my parent's annual farm party they hold every year. I obviously couldn't go due to dog mania over here and Gina had to work. My parents rent a dance floor and hire a band for the night, it's so much fun! Everyone drinks a ton of alcohol and gets happily drunk together, it's always a good time. We shoot the shit of what's going on in our lives and then the silliness begins. EVERYONE gets crazy and dances like fools, I'm sad that I can't be there. But, I'm sure I'll get a bunch of drunk dials tonight, in fact I'm counting on it:) HA!

Alpaca

A few months ago, my mom and dad wrote Jill, Gina, and I an email saying they wanted us to benefit from the Alpaca breeding world as they are. Of course, we couldn't afford the actual investment right then and there, alpaca's are NOT cheap! We made an agreement, signed a contract, which gave us a small percentage of the herd ownership they and a group of friends purchased recently. It was very generous of my parents to do what they did for us, sharing the wealth of their alpaca breeding business. However, it wasn't until this morning that it set in how fortunate we are to be doing this. My mom sent us an email announcing the birth of the first FULL Accoyo alpaca baby girl of the herd, this morning. Another alpaca is added, which means our investment just got bigger. Ohhhhhh, so that's how this works! YAY!

Another NIght

The woman of the house here asked me yesterday if I'd stay one more night with the dogs, so they can rest. Of course I agreed, but man was I ready to go on Sunday. I even made plans with my friend Pia and had to cancel. Damn, responsibility ruins everything...ha!

Coffee

Tomorrow I'm having coffee with someone I've never met or seen before. She's a friend of Sean's, a gay guy that's in my SELP class. He asked me a few weeks ago if I'd hang out with her, she's new to Los Angeles and doesn't know anyone, especially gay women like myself. Ha! It'll be interesting, I'm looking forward to it, especially now that this job is almost over. If there's a connection, I'll now have the time to make a new friend and that's always a fun thing to do!

Woo Hoo!

I've worked out three times this week and have done yoga twice so far. I'm feeling great! I feel almost back to my old self after only a week. It's amazing what exercise does for your body and mind, I enjoy it so much!

Finding His Act

Calen begins his Advanced Course today. YAY!

Transformation Game

Last night my household came over, along with Julz, and she brought over this game called Transformation. We've been itchin to play it for awhile now and finally got the chance. We all sat around this big round table, with the game in the middle, it was a perfect fit. The game only involves four players at a time, Julz took the faciliator position on to guide me, Calen, Gina, and Jill thru. It was really cool.

The game consists of 4 stages: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Before we begin the game, we each go around the table, choose a focus, and write it down. I chose being self-expressed around people who are outside of my comfort zone. Then, we choose a guiding angel that represents something and mine happend to be strength...go figure. The object to the game is to get thru all 4 stages and to cause some insight regarding the focus that we chose. We cannot have any setbacks(what stops us) and must collect at least 6 Awareness cards, along with a service card -OR- collect 3 angels to move onto the next stage. Each Awareness card has a word on it like "power", and the way this works is we apply that word to our lives, within that stage...if it can be applied. It's our own meanings and interpretations, that's why it's important to play this game with familiar people. When one goes, the others are there to help them thru by discussing what's going on with their cards, if need be. It's a good support system to have.

We began and Jill and I kept rolling the same dice and doing the same thing. It was creepy how dead on this game was. We were identical in the physical stage and all we did was choose the cards, the game was playing itself. One of my Physical Awareness cards said individuality on it, which was the first clue that this game was really something. I say this because it's been the theme of my whole life. I always had to be different from Jill and everybody else. Anyway, we both breezed thru and went onto the next, the emotional stage.

I knew I was going to get stuck in this stage, but didn't know the extremity of it. HA! I began collecting so many Emotional Awareness cards and nothing else. A few of my cards read "truthfulness", "stability"...huh, there were so many I can't remember now. It was one emotion after another, which put me last in the transformation line. Jill once again breezed thru, Calen and then Gina. It was funny, too, because I got a setback card that read "rejection"...gee, could that be anymore true? I couldn't move passed it, it was weird. It was saying a lot about my present level in life, I mean by reading this blog, anyone can tell how overloaded with emotion I am. The most ironic thing was that Gina chose a card, which gave her the ability to serve someone in the game. She chose me and made it possible for me to move onto the next stage. Hmmmm...does she not do this in real life too? Weird.

The next stage was the mental, I didn't know how this was going to go for me. I was stopped a few times, in fact one of my awareness cards read "disillusionment." This one stuck out for me, I thought about it for awhile. What was I disappointed about in my life thus far? A few things did come up eventually and now I get it. Crazy.

Spirituality was the last stage and because it took me so long to move passed the emotional, I had to play it alone. I knew it wasn't going to take me long, it was actually the quickest one for me. I'm very comfortable in my spirituality, it's without a doubt a huge part of my life now.

The game was eerily exact to where each of us are in our lives. It almost felt like we went to a psychic reading, all the cards and the way we handled each other thru the game is our reality. My blog was a huge topic in this game for me. I realized how unafraid I am to express myself and to let people know how I feel, but get me face to face with someone, I struggle. It was amazing to see that in front of me, to really look how self-expressed I am up close and personal. I get now that I don't have an issue of being self- expressed because I write to let people see me for who I am. It's not that I don't want to invite people in, in fact, it's the exact opposite, I AM inviting them in. It's that I've never verbally practiced it outside myself. I CAN do it. I know I have the words, I'm writing them here as they come to me.

End of the game: After we analyze each player, we then choose 4 cards,which gives us our "action plan." Here is mine:

1) Key Insight for my next steps-" You welcome the sun into your heart and let its warmth and love shine out to everyone." Could this be anymore more appropriate? Ha!

2) Watch out for this weakness, or possible limitation, which might set you back on your path- "You are set back by your control on your present level." Yep, I control my emotions and always have. I've done this for 29 years...shit. I need to just let them go, like I've been doing since I began Landmark.

3) Use this inner resource to dissolve and clear this barrier- "You discover that the more you give of yourself freely in service, the more you are given to give." Without a doubt, this is my SELP Course. Hehe.

4) Allow an Angel to support and inspire you on your next steps- "Spontaneity." It was funny to see this card, I talk about this ALL the time, how I need to be more spontaneous.

5) Welcome your Angel. Note any message. How will you put your Awareness into action? - "I will live life out loud!"

I get it.

During my conversation with Alice last evening, she said something that has stuck with me all day long. She asked me to consider a reason why I have a hard time being self-expressed is because I am still only for myself and not for others. She said it nicer than that, I'm being direct so you all get it. The minute she said that, I knew she was right. Damn. And, here I thought I was stepping out of my self-absorbed bubble...apparently not. Well, I take that back because that's not entirely true. I AM self-expressed at home, with my family, and a few CLOSE friends. It's everyone else, including ladies of interest, that I close up to and it's because I'm afraid of what they're thinking of me and if I'm saying the "right" things. It's unfortunate, but true.

Self-expression is an unselfish and generous way to be, it's the strongest form of love. When I care enough to speak my mind, be myself, and not think of how I'm being perceived, that's my love coming thru. It happens when I'm not thinking of how uncomfortable I am, instead I'm focused on everything BUT me. I get that now and I'm feeling good that I do. It's going to take courage and a lot of practice, but I am willing to face this challenge because it's the only way I can truly be happy in my relationships and to get everything I want for my life.

Quick Thought

I just got finished with ANOTHER training sesssion with all the dogs. As I was telling Gina yesterday, the progress these dogs have made has given me the same satisfaction as I used to get with my little students, when I was a teacher. It's really fun! And, even though I don't get a lot of free time to myself, it's worth every minute because A) I'm being paid for it and I want to do a good job and B) I'm really enjoying it. As soon as the dogs learn something new, I'm proud of them, like they're human, it makes me laugh.

A Great Night

Tonight was really cool. I went to Alice's apartment, where the yoga session took place...the instructor came to us! It was me and two of her friends, none of us had done this type of yoga before, or yoga at all for that matter. I can't really explain what it is, but it's mainly for breathing, healing, and meditating. I've never seen or heard anything like this class before. It definitely plays along the lines of Landmark, that's for sure. Each exercise was focused on something different. For example, healing the heart was one of them and being open to trust was another. She spoke through it all, guiding and telling us what everything meant and what to do next. It wasn't your typical yoga class, I loved it!

Afterwards, everyone left and I stayed. Alice and I planned on having an in person coaching conversation, since I was scheduled for my call tomorrow. We had a nice dinner, sat outside, and talked all evening. Before we knew it, it was 10 and both of us had other things we needed to do, like dogs! I left and now just walked in the door. It was a fun evening. I like this stuff!

Heehee

I still haven't done my "Things I Don't Do list." Geez...talk about procrastination! I'll get to it later...HA!

Yoga?

I'm going to try yoga tonight with Alice and friends. I'm looking forward to it, even though I'm not the least bit flexible and very inexperienced. I did try a different type of yoga before, the one that's really hot and steamy in the room and everyone is sweating profusely. Yeah, it was kind of gross. Tonight we'll be doing Kundalini Yoga, I'm not pretending I know what it is, I really have no idea; however, I linked it up anway. It should be fun!

Awwww!

The house staff here is so generous. They bring me coffee in the morning and insist on doing all these things for me. I keep telling them no, but they won't accept my answer. Yesterday, Toni, their full-time housekeeper, insisted that she go buy me groceries and of course I resisted. She began naming off different foods, making sure I liked them and then went anyway. I didn't know what to say, especially because she refused to let me give her money. It was crazy! It's not just that either, she literally takes care of EVERYTHING! And, to top that off, another staffer came in a few moments ago with lunch for all of us, this is the second time he's done that. I feel so spoiled, and unsure of how to take this treatment. It's really great, but at the same time, I feel bad. I mean, I'm just as much as an employee as they are, I'm being paid too for my services. Anyway, I hope my clients fully appreciate their employees because they are wonderful. I have not once felt uncomfortable here. Yay!

Meditation

I want to learn how to meditate. I NEVER would of imagined me ever wanting to do this, but the more reading I do about it, the more it inspires me. It's a good way to practice being present in daily life, which is something a compulsive thinker like myself could definitely use. I'm looking at the Bodhi Tree in West Hollywood. If any of you would like to join me, let me know!

"Things I Don't Do" List

Today I am going to make a "Things I Don't Do" list, opposed to a "To Do" list. I got this idea from my SLEP class on Saturday. I think it's brilliant really, especially with the way I think. If I HAVE to do something, it's easier for me to find excuses to put it off for as long as I can. I'm a HUGE procrastinator. By making a list like this, I can see myself more inclined to do the things I need to do because I'm not making myself wrong for it. I'm acknowledging the fact that I have a list that hasn't been worked on yet. It's a "let's be real" tactic and I'm going to test it out to see if it really makes a difference. I will also be inputting my list into my daily planner, that way, I will have tasks assigned for each day. Then, it won't be as easy to procrastinate because a long list won't be presented to me, a daily assignment will be. I'll let you know how it goes:)

I'm dogged out!

It's been quite an evening. It's funny because Jill called me not to long ago and said she was dogged out too. I wonder since we're both feeling it, it's double the frustration? HA! I did find out today that our clients will be home on Sunday, which is totally weird. I wasn't expecting them back until next Wednesday, oh well. I guess that leaves me with more time off before New York. That's pretty cool actually, I have a lot to do, including Accoyo! things. Ahhh, I'm so spoiled.

Working out

I worked out today! YAY! I'm so sore...

AHHHHHH!

Oops! I just got very frustrated with Oliver and Tinkerbell. They weren't listening and responding to the corrections, so I put them in their crate. It's hard enough when one dog is misbehaving, let alone two. It was nonstop correcting for awhile there, the grumpiness began to settle in. I hate when I get pushed to my limits like that, especially by dogs. HA! They don't know any better, there's no reason for me to lose my patience, they're learning. I just couldn't go on, sometimes a break is needed to calm the soul. THANK DOG!

Thank Dog! Empire

I'm proud of my work ethic here, training these dogs. I'm trying hard for many reasons, but here is one that I wrote a few days ago:

Thank Dog! is one of those companies that formed from a single proclamation. One day, Jill Bowers proclaimed herself a one woman dog training company, after extensive training under John Van Olden, and has lived it ever since...very successfully.

After five years of establishing a name for herself, building her client el, and becoming very well respected within the dog community and vets; Jill is now on fire. She's not only known for her amazing ability with dogs, she's got a natural talent with people as well. So much that her clients began asking her to board their dogs while they went out of town. She created a trust, a bond that would leave them at ease knowing their babies were taken good care of while they were away. It was hard for her to pass up, she loves dogs and would do anything dog related for her clients; but she realized this would turn into a doggy daycare, which was something that wouldn't fit into her home life.

It wasn't until a few months ago when Thank Dog! expanded into a new realm: Thank Dog! Sitting. This branch of the company was also formed from a single proclamation, by her twin sister, Jamie Bowers. After successfully training two of her own dogs and learning everything she needed to know about training, Jamie proclaimed herself to be a Thankdog! Sitter. As soon as the word got out, that Jill had a twin sister who was now apart of the business, who could do bootcamp, while they were away, the phones began to ring for booking. Bootcamp is the beginning of the Thank Dog! training, two weeks that people don't often enjoy. Once they hear of this unique service, they immediately sign on and let Thank Dog! do the rest....while they are on vacation.

After a few months of successful dogsitting, inquiries have been pouring in for future dates. People see the rare service that Thank Dog! offers and appreciate the opportunities that are being presented. Not only will they have a respectable and trustworthy person living in their home, taking care of their dog(s), they have a chance to begin bootcamp, without having to be there.

Finally, Thank Dog! has come a long way, due to Jill's love for dogs and her big heart that belongs to her family. Its opened many doors, ones that include making Thank Dog! an empire, a possibility that has been newly created. This company is going to expand to bigger and better things, making a line of better training products, under it's own brand name. Thank Dog! is the one, it's the company that is taking off without sleepless nights, long hours of work, and minimal marketing. Can you imagine what Thank Dog! could turn into when the real marketing begins? I CAN!

An acknowledgement: We're really excited about where this seems to be going for us, sometimes I feel people come in and out of our lives for a reason and I feel Julz definitely fits that part here, amongst all the other wonderful things she's brought into our world. She's an amazing woman who wants nothing but the best for people, including us. She has offered to give us her services to make Thank Dog! Products a possibility. It's awesome and quite a stand for her friends, we really appreciate it a lot! Thank you Julz for being so generous, we can't wait to explore this opportunity with you!

Should I? or Shouldn't I?

I was thinking a lot about this blog last night. I share many thoughts, a lot of personal things, and all my emotions that I'm feeling as each moment goes by. I really enjoy writing, which helps me sort everything I need in order to move forward. I really get what's going on when I'm doing it. It gives me the ability to find the source to why I'm upset, feeling down, and have so much emotion. When I'm writing something, my thoughts are just flowing onto the screen and most of the time, I don't think twice and just post it. I will admit though, there are moments when I do second guess myself afterwards, I begin thinking about what I just wrote and how people are going to read it. Then, I tell myself it's what I was feeling at the moment so get over it. Why do I choose to be so public about it? Well, I began the blog for support to others that did the Landmark Forum, I realized that many were going through this alone and I was reaching out. Of course, it didn't really turn out like that, it's mostly my family, friends, and occasional bloggers who read it. This reason alone keeps me going and keeps me being so open. My family loves to read it, they live in Ohio, it's a place where we can stay connected. Most of all my friends went through Landmark, so I enjoy sharing myself incase they can relate to something I'm going through and they won't feel so alone. Other bloggers will skim through a few posts, my purpose for them is inspiration incase they like something I've said. And then there's me. This is my way to practice vulnerability.

I wrote this post because there have been a few occasions where I've had to take a step back and reevaluate my intentions here because I am sharing a lot. I've questioned it a few times, I even brought it up to Marisa last week. Sometimes, I feel I'm sharing too much and it freaks me out for a moment, but then I realize...whatever! This is just me being me.

Thank you Jenn for that brief and funny conversation last night! I know you didn't intend it to go where I just went, but you got me thinking...HA! Happy reading:)

Life Games

I don't know why I just thought of this, maybe I have too much time reflecting upon life. For whatever reason, here's what I have to share. There are two different types of games in life and Landmark teaches one of them. The first game is individual, the one that everyone is encouraged to play. It's not manipulative, it's only dealing with one life and that is our OWN. This game focuses on the things we each want and where we want to go. It's a naturally unselfish way to live, it makes "living" fun! Sure, we can enroll other people into playing along, making it all a bit more interesting and maybe increasing the odds in getting the end results. The greatest thing about this game is nobody should ever get hurt by it, nobody is responsible for anyone else but themselves and that's the kind of game I like to play.

The second game is when an individual involves other individuals who are unaware they are playing. It's an unfortunate way of life that some people live. I've been caught up in a few myself, it hurts when the pieces begin to come together and reality sets in. It's on the same page as what I was talking about earlier with relationships. One moment, I'm feeling good and pretty confident on where things are with another person. Then in the next moment, a piece of the puzzle is exposed and things begin to unravel. All of a sudden, the game is full on and I'm just reading the directions. It's a hurtful place to be in, especially when it's going on behind the back. It's out of pure selfish intent, an unattractive way to be. This kind of game consists of lies, manipulation, and a lack of integrity. It's unfair and undeserving, a game that people don't often request to play, especially not me.

Thoughts

I just went and had a wonderful lunch with an old friend, Pia. We haven't sat down and had a real conversation for almost 5 years now. It was really great to see her, to hear how she's been, to catch up after so much lost time. I think we'll see a lot more of each other, it was such a relaxing afternoon. The vibe was good and conversation was exceptionally easy, I can't wait to do it again!

I'm really trying to make an effort to balance my life with more social opportunities. I have the time and I definitely have a want for it. I'm craving people, I want more of them in my life. As soon as this job is over, I'm going to set aside some mini adventures and have some fun! Lucky me gets to start with a trip to New York and don't forget my 30th birthday! I'm ready to expand my life in so many ways, I'm ready to kick some ass!

Doggy Update

I'm finally adapting to a doggy schedule, nothing written down, I'm just getting into a routine. It gets easier and easier everyday. Don't get me wrong, it's still a lot of dog and can be frustrating and overwhelming at times, but I'm getting used to it. The cool thing is, they are all on phase 2 already. Yep, that's right! I've been working hard with them. I kind of have to when four dogs are involved. It's one of those choices where I can either A) work hard and things will definitely progress quicker and for the better or B) suffer for two weeks, while I drag the training out. I chose "A" and the dogs are doing great! Jill came over last night to fill in for the evening and left feeling that we'll be able to start them on phase 3 before our clients come home. YAY!

Crush

Remember those days in grade school? When crushes were a big part of growing up? I do and it's funny how they can still happen as I get older. Yep, it's true...I have a crush on someone. I'm not going to name names, never in a million years, not here! Crushes are fun, they spice things up and make things interesting. I laugh at myself when I observe it happening, I feel like a little girl again carrying around a secret. Hehe. Of course, my household knows but that's to be expected. I have to talk about it, it makes me smile when I do. Crushes are so innocent, that's what I like about having one. There's no need to act because it makes me happy to just be in that space. For now, I'm just enjoying the view...

Compliments

I just got home from my SELP workday. It was awesome! I really get this course now and I'm totally onboard. Well, maybe not totally...I'm still resisting, but the intent is definitely there. There was something that showed up for me, something I already knew, but was totally confronted by today. I never realized how hard it is for me to take a compliment, to be acknowledged for something I do, or did, or someone I am to other people.

My Story: Our groups went to dinner together. My group consists of Alice, Luke, Delia, and Bruno and I can honestly say I have mad love for these people. They are awesome and a big reason why I'm getting this course the way I am now. Anyway, Alice said something about how it's a consensus among all the coaches, that our group is the powerhouse of the course. I looked at her immediately and said, "Yeah, I'm sure all of you coaches say that to their groups." Ewwww, bad thing to say. Delia looked at me like I just got myself into some trouble...and I did. HA! She laughed and said what she needed to say and I observed her and the rest, knowing how I just put my foot in my mouth. And, that's when Alice chimed in. She looked at me like there was no escape. I locked my eyes with hers, in order for the moment to end, and that's when she went for the kill...I mean acknowledgement. She said the nicest, most genuine thoughts she had about me and I couldn't sit still through it. I fought with everything I had to not look away, to not laugh out of embarrassment, to not say anything negative to refute it, and to not make it a lesser sentiment than what it was. Delia and Luke both called me out on it afterwards. They saw how I struggeld in my chair, taking in all the positivity that Alice was acknowledging me for. I didn't know what to do. I actually called Gina on my way home to talk about it. She confirmed the fact that I don't take compliments well, I do resist and it's something I've not been fully aware of. She asked what I was feeling in the moment Alice was being straight forward with me and I told her I felt overwhelmed, that there was no space created to absorb what I am to her and others. I was uncomfortable, I was in a space where I didn't know whether I could laugh or cry, it was confusing.

Whoa. This course is crazy and I get why I chose to be in it. I've had breakthroughs like never before and I'm being in touch with myself like I never thought possible. The Forum and the Advanced Course were two significant parts to my life transformation, but SELP is really putting me into action in ways that I've resisted throughout my whole life. I never thought I'd ever be in the space that I am right now. Even though I have a love-hate relationship with it all, I'm confronting a fear that never occurred to me...ME being self-expressed.

I have turned into Jamie

Well...Jamie is at SELP so I had to come to the place she is dogsitting/training to take over as she is gone. I now know what Jamie is going through. haha...even though Thank Dog is my business, it's weird being in this position.

First...there are so many dogs. Wow...kudos to Jamie for being such a sport. When one gets up, they all get up so you literally do have to stand around like a drill sergeant. I luckily got them all to lie down and sleep at the moment, but who knows how long this will last.

And yes...I am by myself. She is right about having time to think and I can see how this would be good for you. However, one would think I would be used to it being that I work all alone during the weekdays. This is definitely way different though...its a strangers house, nothing is yours. I mean, hell, I am starving and have no clue what to do about it.

So, as I sit here all by my lonesome, I guess I will ponder what the meaning of life is. Oh wait...it's meaningless right?

Relationships

It's unfortunate how little time I'm getting to write here. But then again, I haven't had much to say. What I do know is how great some of the relationships are in my life. I'm a lucky lady. I've been reflecting a lot, seeing things for what they are and aren't. This alone time is good for me, I'm learning how to be powerful by appreciating what I have and don't have. I get that living in the now is how we find those concrete relationships. It never occurred to me how every moment is different, how life can just change through each thought, emotion, or feeling. It's true though. One moment everything can be so wonderful and fulfilling. Then, the next moment comes around and it brings that spirit down, almost like the happiness never existed. Relationships are like that. One moment, people are laughing, talking, and joking with one another, genuinely having a great time. Then, the next moment arrives and all of a sudden, it's not as fun anymore. That person is somehow different or the vibe has changed. I wonder why that is? I don't know, but what I do know is I have many people in my life where moments never change. We may disagree, not feel at our best, or want to be alone; but in the end, there's never a question of what we are to each other. I'm talking about real relationships, the kind that has our backs no matter what the circumstance. The kind that permits us to be ourselves no matter where we are or what we're doing. The kind where good conversation is a natural flow and silence is never uncomfortable. The kind that I am surrounded by everyday, even when I'm not there.

I needed that!

Man, if only I could just walk across the driveway to workout, that'd be ideal. Oh wait...I did that! Oh my goodness, this place I'm staying at is SWEET! They have a separate building made into a small gym, which has all the equipment one needs for a good workout...ahhhh.

I haven't worked out in a few months, I've been hiking randomly a few times, but that's been it. I motivated myself into WALKING NEXT DOOR, put my iPod on, and jumped right in. It was like I never left. Well except that I'm weaker with the weights...oh and my cardio definitely isn't what it used to be, but that's beside the point.

Anyway, as I was working out alone, enjoying each moment, I realized where I was and what happened, I popped. I literally announced one day, that I was a dogsitter and BAM!...I became one. Now, I am making great money and having all the time in the world to do the things I love. As Gina put it, "I can make money, while I'm making money." It's perfect. I really got today, as I was a working out, that I can do anything I want. I am living a wealthy life right now, becoming a better dog trainer, and still making my own schedule. Seriously, I've been on an emotional rollercoaster, which is something I needed to do in order for me to have the appreciation that I'm feeling right now. I think I just made it to the end of my ride. Woo hoo!

Exercising...everyone should do it. I feel amazing!

Shit Happens

My computer crashed last night...lost everything:(

Quick Note

I had a great day today, I'm feeling pretty good. Yay! I'm not in a writing mood, I just don't have much to say right now. Maybe later...

DOGS! DOGS! DOGS!

I'm having a hard time sitting down here to write. It's one dog thing after another, I feel like a drill Sergeant. I literally have to stand up and type so I can correct my little cadets, making sure they're following orders. It's an interesting situation over here. Marisa came over last night and immediately cracked up when she saw four little faces looking at her as she walked in the house. It's a silly picture to see, I'm a dog lady!

Training

I began the training for all four dogs today, including Emmitt. He's already ahead of the game in the actual training, however, since he's been so spoiled...he's giving me the hardest time. Oops! Good thing I caught that early on.

It was a bit overwhelming after Jill left from our first lesson this morning. I instantly felt that I wasn't going to be able to do this, that these two weeks were going to be the longest in my whole life. It was proving to be true, too, at first. I didn't have schedule for each of them, I hadn't fed them yet and didn't know where to find their food or bowls. I felt really unorganized, a way of being that drives me crazy, especially in all the newness.

After a few more hours went by, I started to settle down and stopped looking at the big picture and focused on what I needed to do in that moment, which made things a hell of a lot easier. I don't know how I was able to get into that space, but hallelujer(That was for you Josh;)! I think once I get a schedule down, this may end up being easier than I thought. Oliver and Tinker Bell are already getting it, so that alone makes me feel pretty good about this.

Sleepless Night

I'm dog sitting now, it's the house I will be at for two weeks. Jill and I are training three dogs along with Emmitt, while I'm here. They've never been crate trained, so we started them last evening. They wined for a little bit, but then eventually calmed down and fell alseep. Of course, this was when all the crates were downstairs and I wasn't trying to go to sleep yet.

After bringing the last crate upstairs, I had to carry four of them, I finally got all the dogs herded to the room. Thankfully they're all small dogs, it's not as stressful as if it would be with big ones. I put them all in their crates for bed, they really didn't like that, ESPECIALLY Emmitt. They made so much noise, but finally settled down. Well, Emmitt still wanted me to know he didn't like the arrangement, so he cried and cried for kind of a long time. Emmitt is used to sleeping with me, he's a spoiled one, so he wasn't tking no for an answer. In between his cries, he'd beat on the cage door. It was terrible. I'm not sure what time he finally fell alseep, but I was definitely awake for a long time after.


It was about 3am and I hear the littlest dog, Frankie, begin to cry. He's a Shi Tzu puppy, not potty trained, so his bladder is pretty small. It concerned me because they are not to go to the bathroom in their crates, which meant I had to get up. Then, the other three dogs start to cry, so I'm thinking that they all have to go to the bathroom. I let them out of their crates, we go downstairs and I open the door to let them out. That's when the alarm system kicked in. I set the alarm off, put in my code, but it didn't work. So I'm freaking out, running around, trying to figure out what to do next. Fortunate enough for me, their housekeeper, Tony, came out and saved the day. I was relieved! Needless to say, my first night here wasn't very restful.

???

I'm so emotional, I feel like I'm going crazy. I have a nervous tummy, I don't know what it is, if it's lack of confidence or just me being negative. I don't want to be in this space anymore, I keep losing my power. I don't know how to flip the switch, I'm feeling pretty down. I'm feeling wrong for my emotions and for crying the tears that I have. What is this? Is this normal? Why am I feeling so shitty? What happened that is making all these emotions come up? Am I not happy? Am I not comfortable in my own skin? I don't know and I don't get it. There are days that I feel really great, there are days that I feel life couldn't be better. So why the down days? Why am I in this space?

Still Emotional

I've come to realize how challenging personal growth is. Each moment is different, which leaves me playing a different game every time. Some are fun, some are emotional, and some are frustrating. I've been playing the emotional game, I haven't exactly recovered from it yet. It's weird how long I've been in it, not sure if it's from all the years of bottling my feelings or if it's from all the changes I've made in my life. Well, for whatever reason, things are affecting me like crazy. One moment, I'm feeling great and the next I'm on the brink of tears. If something gets triggered, I immediately break down, a way of being that is unfamiliar to me. I don't know what to do with it half the time, it's kind of overwhelming.

Being my possibility

Tonight was interesting to say the least. Again, I wasn't present to what was going on in the class, which made it difficult to sit there. Marga (Mar-ha), our leader, proceeds to ask if anyone would like coaching on their lack of power in the class. I don't know what got into me, but I immediately raised my hand without even a thought to what I was about to do. She called my name, I knew she would. Marga has had her eye on me since we began the course and it didn't help that Alice was looking right at me too.

I went up to the front, onto the little stage area, and stood still looking at everyone. She was still talking at this point, so I looked at all the familiar faces I knew, Hugo and Luke in Particular. I kept feeling my nerves, they'd go away, then come back again. Marga had me standing up there on purpose, for that length of time, to get me present to the room. After she acknowledged that, I turned to her and said, "Whatever, I'm not present to this at all."

After a couple more minutes, she finished her talks and that's when she looked at me and began the scary questioning. Ha! She asked me questions like, "What are you covering up?", "What are your fears?" , "What do you want?", etc.

We were half way through the questioning and out of nowhere I began to cry. I felt the sadness consume me, I wanted to be self-expressed so badly. But I kept fighting it at the same time, which turned into tears. And although I felt nervous with a few questions and relaxed with others, I was as honest as I possibly could be. I said I was covering up that I wasn't perfect, that I was afraid of not saying the right thing. I said I wasn't for everyone in the room, that I've been checked out the whole time and have not been authentic. I said I wanted to be self-expressed, that I want people to get to know me and not be afraid to let them in. I wanted to be vulnerable and that's exactly what I was being at that very moment. I was being my possibility. YAY!

After reflecting upon what occurred for me tonight, I realize self-expression is everything. In order for me to get what I want, do what I want, and be who I want, it's up to me to get myself there. If I can't be me entirely, nobody will ever be enrolled and registered into the possibilities I create for myself and for my community, to transform our company. This is the whole reason why I signed up for the course. I get it now.

Tonight

I am not all about this SELP class. I find it to be very annoying, not a priority, and it's as if I see my old self in it. I didn't do the homework this week, I just got finished with it a few moments ago and I did it because I have the class tonight. Thus far, I've been resistent and unwilling to commit whole heartedly, a way that I used to be in the past. To be honest, I would rather do Accoyo! on my own than doing it in this course because it's not the work that I am having a hard time committing to. It's everything else that goes along. For instance, participating during class, being self-expressed, conducting interviews with people in my life, acting like I really have compassion for everyone in the room, and doing the homework is NOT appealing to me. I don't think it's fun and it's not a game I enjoy playing right now. With that being said, my attitude is conflicting because I refuse to quick the course, I want to see it through. So, then why make myself suffer for 3 1/2 months? Why not do the best I can and stop being so stubborn and do what I'm supposed to do? Sounds like an easy solution to me, but I'm still resisting. I guess we'll see what happens tonight...

Fumbling Words

I just had a great conversation with Luke, one of my SELP group members. We were talking about our lives and asking questions to get to know each other better. He was telling me how his seminar leader said that being open, honest, and direct is the only way to know if a real relationship exists between two people. I couldn't agree more. This statement got me to wonder if everyone has a hard time with communication as much as I do because Luke said he's been doing this more and more with the people in his life. To me, it seemed easier for him. I told him I fumble a lot when I'm trying to open the doors to unfamiliar places, which then stops me in the process. I feel like I sound stupid, I'm forgetting something, or I'm not saying the right thing, which leaves me back to shutting down. After I explained this to Luke, he said, "I do too. My eyes start to twitch and it becomes very hard. But, fumbling is beautiful. It's coming from the heart, that's why it happens." Wow. I never would've thought that before, I never would imagine that fumbling is just an honest way of communicating. That was really cool to hear because I do it ALL the time. Ha! It makes sense though. Anytime I have something I really want to say, something that is coming from my gut, I fumble. Immediately when I catch someone's attention and I know they're listening, my words become harder to spit out. It feels unnatural and overwhelming, it's a struggle for me to have a voice.

Now that this new perception is present to me, maybe it'll be easier to push forward through my communication and I won't stop myself. Maybe I can embrace my fumbling mouth and begin to feel comfortable with verbalizing my thoughts no matter how long it takes me to share my words. Maybe this will be a new beginning of how I communicate...

The season is here.

Accoyo! got the first order of the season last night. YAY! It's always so fun when that happens. Moving our inventory is the access to having our teddy bear business, so it's especially exciting. This order made it more of a reality that the season is here and it's time to go back to work. I secretly needed a motivator to work on my project for SELP and I believe I just got it last night. Thank you to the internet shopper who loves alpaca! I needed that;)

My Job

I start dog sitting tomorrow and it's for two whole weeks. This will be my last night here at home, it actually feels like I'm going somewhere. What makes it a little sad for me is the fact that I have SELP tonight and I can't spend the evening with Jill, Gina, Calen and whomever is here at the moment. When I have a job like this, I don't see them much. I will see Jill because we're teaming up on this project, we have 4 dogs to train. As for everyone else, I'm going to have to come up with a few tricks, some creative ideas to get them to want to come over. I mean I just don't think it's enough that the house is enormous, has a huge pool, a separate building with a gym, a movie size screen tv, and little ol' me having it all to myself. HA! Any takers???

Sunday

I've had this feeling all weekend, a bit emotional and not really knowing what to do with myself. On Friday, I was in a definite funk, I excused myself around 1am from the company we had over. Then Saturday, I woke up feeling "off," not myself at all, so I began to clean. That carried into the night, I wanted to do something, but nothing sounded fun because I didn't feel like going out. So last night, we stayed in, watched movies, and I felt relaxed for the first time all weekend long. It was good because today I feel back to myself again, which is a relief. I have a busy day and I want to get out of the house this evening, I'm ready to get to work!

Movie Review

I just watched one of the worst movies I've seen in a really long time called "Imagine Me and You." It's a lesbian movie and I actually heard it was pretty good, it recently just came out. I thought it was absolutely terrible! The story sucked, there was NO chemistry between the two women, it wasn't believable. When it was over, we all looked at each other and laughed, "Wow. That was REALLY bad."

I give it a D-...only because the ladies were cute.

Saturday

I think this may be the first Saturday in awhile where I don't have anything planned or I'm not dog sitting. Wait let me think about this...is that true? What did I do last Saturday? Oh, that's right I did yard work and then went dog sitting in Pasadena. Okay, well this weekend I for sure have nothing planned. I start my next dog sitting job on Tuesday, so I think I may have to get out and do at least something from now until then. Maybe tonight or tomorrow night, who knows? Maybe nothing, I'll see how I feel when the time comes.

Changes

I was just telling Jill how I am still adapting to my new life and the changes I've made. It just doesn't seem right how easy everything is going for me, how there's times I almost feel guilty about it. I know I shouldn't, it's what life is supposed to be like, it's all the reason why I chose the things I have for myself. I guess when one has been in a particular mindset for several years, it's only a matter of getting used to the newness. I hated my job for so long, getting up in the mornings, and stressing out the night before. It's so different not having that anymore, there's no stress at all to the point where I'm not sure what to do with my blank self. It's a fantastic space to be in for sure, it's what I've always craved.

Personal Growth Thoughts

I had a conversation with Alice the other day about how addicting personal growth courses are to me. She thought I was making myself wrong for it, but I wasn't. I was just commenting on how I'm so into making my life better, everything I hear about sounds great, I immediately want to do it. It's like going into a candy store and choosing all the sweet stuff to rid me of my sugar craving: "Yes, I would like some confidence and a little bit of passion. Oooh, I'd like to add proactivity and a peace of mind as well. Those communication skills sure look tasty, go ahead and put them in the bag too." HA!

I realize how important it is to "live life to the fullest" (I used to despise that saying even though it's true.). Why not make the best of everything, it's the only way to have a successful life with true happiness. This applies to love relationships as well. I can't imagine not dating someone who isn't on the same path as I. There's no way it could work, any type of negativity could cause me to regress, which isn't an option. The purpose for love relationships, in my opinion, is to bring the very best out of each other, to grow together as a team, to create a solid and genuine partnership. Personal growth is everything! It's how we get what we want and staying happy while we're doing it.

Life couldn't be better!

I am an official pet sitter now. After my meeting yesterday, with this couple whose house I will be staying at for two weeks, along with training their dogs, I've now declared my profession. The clients are wonderful, the money is FANTASTIC, and I'm truly affecting these people's lives. It's awesome. Besides the fact that I was hungover, I was feeling great yesterday! Everything is just falling into place for me and my life, it's almost perfect. What's even more ironic is it's all happening right before my 30th birthday, just in time for the big turn. Woo hoo!

Friendship

Now that I'm not hungover anymore, I can do some writing today. Wednesday was a blast! We did drank a lot of alcohol, however, I kept to my word and worked in several glasses of water. Bottom line: I could've been worse. HA!

Jenn has some amazing friends, which wasn't surprising, but still a delight. I felt very welcomed there, it was comforting. Sometimes meeting new people can create a lot of pressure, but there was none being surrounded by good genuine people. Conversation was easy, I was very intrigued by many. Stumbling upon a group like that makes venturing out, doing new things, all worthwhile in itself. YAY!

My friendship with her is very important to me. Jenn and I have known each other for almost a year now, as of next month I believe. We instantly had chemistry when we first met, a connection that was unexpected because we're complete opposites...a good thing I think, it keeps us balanced. We have one of those weird relationships that's hard to explain, we both acknowledge that. We'd drop anything for each other, we created a trust and a support system that can't be broken. We went through a period where we didn't talk at all, it sucked. She was going through some significant changes and so was I. I really missed her, talking to her, how we would make each other laugh. I'm thankful we found our way back, this time I feel we're in it for the long haul. We appreciate what we have, it's perfect the way it is. I love you Jenn!

Lazy

I will be back to writing tomorrow! I can't think right now...haha!

Maybe I drank too much?

You know that first moment when you wake up from a night full of drinking? Your head throbs, you're dying of thirst and hunger, your head feels heavy and you can't move too fast or else you'll fall over from being very light headed. Yeah, that feeling for me hasn't gone away yet. I'm hungover!

Blank

I've got nothing. Nothing is coming to mind. I guess it's a good thing that my mind is blank again. I like when that happens...I have to go through obstacles to get there. Apparently, I'm still fully committed to my life transformation and doing the work to get me there! Yay me!

Random

It's easy to hide behind words. I've communicated more of my feelings in the last few weeks than I ever have. That's the beauty of writing, you can backspace if you make a mistake, you can edit out a whole sentence, you can even take time to organize your thoughts...too bad you can't do that verbally! Can you imagine being able to rewind what was said or erasing a whole conversation and starting over? That'd be sweet! I'd be the master of talk editing, I'd use it with every chance I got. But then again, I wouldn't be Me if I had that ability. Huh, now I'm wondering where I should go next with this thought...it was pretty random. HA!

Moving to California!

Our Joshy Bear found a new man, Nate. He lives in Arizona right now but is moving here at the end of this month. We're excited for him and excited to welcome Nate into our lives. You see, we love Josh, which can make us a bit over protective. We have his best interest at heart, we know what a fabulous guy he is and anyone would be lucky to have him. So, when we heard about Nate, of course our antennaes went up. We immediately were curious, we couldn't wait to meet him.

A few Sundays ago, our moment finally came. We instantly liked him, he's genuinely a good guy. He's really looking forward to his move as much as we're looking forward in getting to know him. After all, anyone who can capture Josh the way Nate has, what's not to like?

Ok...BREAK!

I want to write, so I'm going to take my words down a notch. I get to go on a little adventure tomorrow evening, compliments of Jenn. We're going wine tasting with a group of her friends. I'm very excited about it, I have no doubt it'll be a lot of fun! I will definitely need to pace myself because drinking wine, as being the chosen drink, usually is not my friend.

Wine is one of those that always seems to sneak up on me. I know what it is too. A) I'm little and I think I can drink like everyong else...I used to be able to. And, B) I drink fast and never take note of how much I'm drinking. Yeah, it's true and I know it. So, I am going to create a new possibility for tomorrow evening. Who I am is the possibility of being a responsible wino...if there is such a thing. I'm sure I'll get drunk, but I will be drinking a large consumption of water so that I don't embarrass myself in the process. And, THAT is who I am. HA!

Affected

I woke up this morning, realizing how stories can make or break you. I knew that from the forum, but up until recently, I REALLY get that. I had some negative experiences during my marriage, it completely closed me off. Yes, this is a topic for me that I can't stop reflecting upon, because it really messed with me, my way of thinking, and how I would conduct myself. I just spoke to my dad about it, telling him not to be alarmed about reading this, that D was coming up again. I joked around and said, "Wow, that time in my life really f**ed me up, I never knew how much." He replied that he knew, that it was me who was being resistant to the known. Of course I resisted it, I was hellbent on him not affecting me anymore as soon as I moved to California 6 years ago. I had enough, so instead of dealing with those emotions, I shelved them; which then manifested into me being emotionally cut-off in my love relationships. It wasn't that I wasn't emotional or didn't have feelings, it was that things wouldn't affect me the way they affected others...I thought I was being strong. Hehe. For instance, I rarely ever got upset in my relationships, as if I didn't care enough. They'd get mad at me, that's for sure, and rightfully so. I wouldn't meet them half way, I'd expect them to come to me because I wasn't about to "chase" again. I didn't want to be vulnerable in their eyes, I was too strong for that and when I saw them being vulnerable, I considered that a weakness and would be turned off. WOW! Yeah, I just wrote that. It's honestly how I used to think though. I don't anymore, by any means. In fact, I'm touched when vulnerability is being present. I see it as strength, a possibility I'm creating for myself from this day forward.

A Big Share

Okay, I'm taking a step back and realizing what I just shared today. Uhhhh...whoa. That was a hard one to publish, but then again, I said if I was going to do this blogging thing, I was jumping the whole way in.

After I wrote the "Dear D" post, I started having little breakthroughs driving to Landmark. I'm not going into those here, they're way too personal; but my goodness, some of those stories carried into different aspects of my life and relationships...I didn't even know. Well, duh! It's stunning to me because there were several times where I felt okay, settled, as if I got closure with it all. Now that I think about it though, when I was in therapy it was always brought up, with tears to go along and then I was back to supressing those feelings again. I made that conversation stop in my sessions. Then, it came up in my forum, but that was me realizing I didn't need to apologize to him. It skipped my Advanced Course and is now smacking me right in the face. What is that!?! Well, obviously, I was never complete about it, but still. Talk about a mind fuck...can I say that here?

My Night

I had my SELP class tonight, I hated every minute of it. It was almost excruciating, I was so NOT present. I was moving around in my chair, I didn't want to participate and anyone who did, my ears closed off to them. I was annoyed by all the conversation, people were being too happy, it actually began to make me mad. Finally, it all stopped and we split up into our groups, phew! Or so I thought...

We get into our groups where Alice is all smiles, she loves her groupies, as we do our coach. The first conversation isn't focused on me, I was happy about that, I was being very crabby. Suddenly, my eyes meet hers and she's asking me a question, there's no where to hide. As I squirmed in my chair, the thought of having to open up in person opposed to on the phone wasn't anything I wanted to do at that moment. Words begin to fall out of my mouth, I'm not even realizing what I'm saying. To sum it up, I told her that I hated being there, the course isn't fun for me, although I've had many breakthroughs, they don't feel good. I said I wouldn't stand up in front of the room, for other people, to participate and motivate, making sure they are where they should be. I shared that I don't want to be self-expressed and I'm not present to anything about the course at all, it just angers me. And, of course, while I'm saying this, I'm fighting back my tears. My bottom lip is shaking uncontrollably and my throat has a HUGE lump in it. I didn't let it go though, no way, no how! I was being very vulnerable with the group, but I couldn't do it for myself. At one point, Alice was digging and while I'm observing her mission to break me, I told her the conversation was making me very uncomfortable and that I'm having a hard time answering her questions.

She kept it all up with good spirits, she made sure I got that I was doing the course right then and there. She made me see that I was beginning to expand into a new realm, one that I keep resisting in my life and to the course. To be honest, my group rocks! I wouldn't have been comfortable to say what I needed to if it wasn't for their listening and open-mindedness. Yay!

Bottom line: I don't want to be self-expressed and that's why I chose to do this course, it's going to be really good for me. Haha, even though I'm kicking and screaming right now, it's already working.

Dear D,

I wanted to be with you more than anything. I sacrificed my life so we could be together. I loved you with all my heart, more than I've ever loved anyone at the time. I loved your attention, I felt safe and happy when you were around. You made me feel beautiful, like there wasn't anyone else who was better. You loved me, I loved you and we both got that. Accepting your proposal wasn't even a question, “Yes, of course I'll marry you.”

Six months before our wedding, I chose to move in. We wanted our lives to be one, it was an easy choice to make. Although we fought a lot, I wanted you to be my husband. I gave up everything, including myself, to make this a possibility. I was blind to all the red flags, that marrying you may not be in my best interest. I didn't want to see that, I wanted to be happy with you. Maybe it was cold feet or we were just stressed out? That's what I was hoping, I was giving us the benefit of the doubt. We were going to get married, whether we felt it was a good idea or not.

The big day is here and I'm a nervous wreck. I lay on the couch, wishing my nervous stomach to go away. You brushed it off like it was no big deal, you went golfing instead of picking up our rings. I was angry, but couldn't say a thing, I didn't want to ruin YOUR mood, we were gonna be married! Thankfully, mom went to pick them up, she saved the moment. I was a stress case, I needed some slack.

We went to the church, where all the girls gathered together. We were dressed and ready, it was time to go. As each lady took their turn down the aisle, my nerves were out of whack. My body was convulsing, I was so damn scared, I hated to be the center of attention, and I subconsciously knew this wasn't a good move.

The ceremony was finally over, it was reception time. I was anxious to spend the evening with you, I was relieved we made a pact to not get drunk. When we arrived to the hotel, everyone was there. The party was just about to get started and I was ready to celebrate that I was now your wife. I didn't expect to lose you in the crowd, I went searching and couldn't find you anywhere. We had to greet each table, with over 300 guests, I wanted you by my side. I looked over and there you were...sloppy drunk, an embarrassment to the night. I think you were probably the drunkest one there, shame on you for making me go to each table by myself. I was in full act, I didn't know what to say, I said you were off with your buddies and I wanted to say hello.

It was time to go, you fell on the lobby floor half naked, you were too drunk to dress yourself. Your friends had to help...thank god I wasn't a witness, I was in the room dressing myself. You passed out as soon as we got in the limo. I looked out the window with tears streaming down, I was angry and really sad that my wedding experience was one of the worst moments in my life. I couldn't even get you out of the limo when we arrived to our hotel, you were so drunk, I had to carry our luggage to our room. After a few hours, I finally got you there, I was exhausted, I couldn't cry anymore.

You woke up the next morning, breathing of pure alcohol, it was disgusting, you didn't remember a thing. We were to leave on our honeymoon cruise, I had to forgive you, there was nothing else to do. The cruise wasn't all that great. You got plastered in Mexico, you turned into a real asshole after I told you countless times to stop drinking liquor. We even fought, on our honeymoon, at that point I knew I made a mistake.

It was the longest year of my whole entire life, I was so lonely and feeling helpless, I couldn't breathe. I tried leaving you a few times, I always found my way back in hopes that you would change. You didn't want to, you were living for yourself, fuck everyone else including your wife. Our fights were ruthless, you didn't care how unimportant I felt to you. You managed to take away my spirit and vulnerability. I was afraid to talk to you and tell you how I felt, for fear you'd ridicule and tell me how stupid I was. There were so many things and so many situations you put me through, without thinking of how it'd affect me...I could go on and on for days. I began to question myself and my ability to live my own life, you affected me that way. I felt regretful and angry that I married you, that I gave up my college years, my life, my independence so we could be together. Yes, it was all out of my doing, but you could've played along with my intentions. Instead, you ignored me, like there was always something better. In fact, when I found out you may be cheating, I immediately became that story. It wasn't until my college graduation day, that it really became a reality. You took the celebration to your friends and left me behind. That moment you stumbled into our room at 4am, I knew it was time for me to go...I had enough and knew I deserved better.

I want you to know that you're negativity and thoughtless acts created a wall around me that I am happy to say are now slowly coming down. Even though, I still struggle with being vulnerable and expressing my feelings, I realize how important it is to have that release. Even though, I still struggle with giving myself completely in a love relationship, I am willing to do my best in the next one that comes around. I lived our married story for far too long, I refuse to live it any longer. I created the space, that I wasn't good enough and now I know that's not true. I know it doesn't sound like a forgiveness letter (this style is against Landmark policy), but I did forgive you awhile back and I really meant it. The incompleteness is that I never got a chance to tell you how I really felt, so if you ever read this, now you know.

Did it?

I have SELP tonight, I should find out if my project passed or not. I'm keeping my fingers crossed...

Creature of Habit

I am totally a creature of habit. Jenn and I were talking about this the other night, amongst other funny things that I'll probably write about at some point. For instance, finding deals at grocery stores. HA! Sorry, that was random. Anyway, she tends to park in the same parking spot anytime she goes somewhere more than once and that 's how I started thinking about the things that I do out of habit. Before my "vacation" began, I was all about my routine, nothing was different. I'd go to bed almost the same time every night and I'd get up for the gym EARLY in the morning. I'd immediately change into my workout clothes, brush my teeth, get my lunch that I packed the night before, fill my coffee cup, and leave. I'd do the SAME thing every morning and night, without even thinking about it. It was a habit I intentionally created, which made the whole routine easy to adapt to. My habit was getting up early and then everything else followed.

Funny how it doesn't work for me anymore! Not only is it difficult for me to get up earlier than 8, I can't get myself to go to the gym. It's a habit that I want back, but I guess not bad enough to create it again. My new habit is waking up whenever I feel like it, drinking my coffee, logging onto the Internet, and watching the news. It's a routine that I am thoroughly enjoying at this time in my life. At some point, I have no doubt that I'll welcome the gym back into my day. Could be sooner, could be later...who knows! That's the best part of it all:)

Vegas

I'm sitting here by myself, Jill and Gina went to Vegas. I came home around 4 today and they were getting ready to go. This is a big one, this trip they're taking. Gina was a bit nervous, walking out the door. The trip is to go see her mom, someone who she has avoided for a very long time. I'd go into more detail, but I don't think it's my place to. All I can say is, they've had a rough life together, one that isn't easily forgiven. Gina took some forward steps and contacted her mom during her Landmark Forum. It was a bold move and her mom responded in an unexpected way. She agreed to sign up for the forum, something that can really benefit her. We were all jumping for joy when we heard the news, but now it's Gina confronting her in person. I can't wait to hear all about it!

It's official...I'm a Virgo!

Your True Birth Month Is September

Thinking Sensitive Secretive Systematic Understanding Good memory Calm and cool Does work well Likes to criticize Loves wide things Kind and sympathetic Hardly shows emotions Concerned and detailed Able to motivate oneself Suave and compromising Clever and knowledgeable Quiet but able to talk well Tends to bottle up feelings Loves to look for information Trustworthy, loyal and honest Careful, cautious and organized Choosy especially in relationships Loves sports, leisure and traveling Must control oneself when criticizing Likes to point out people's mistakes

What's Your True Birth Month?

What life shouldn't be...

Writing

Writing to me is like a game. As soon as I click to get the new and blank screen, my mind starts racing, wondering what I'm going to write. I love it. I just came home tonight from having a lovely dinner with Jenn and I immediately felt like writing as soon as I turned my computer on. I love words, I love the puzzle that sentence structure creates. I'll write a whole sentence, re-read and choose if the words are in the order I want them to be or if my thoughts are reading correctly. If they aren't, I'll rearrange until it makes sense...it's fun! Now, this doesn't mean my way of writing is the correct way, or I think it's "perfect" when I'm finished with a post. Nope, it just means I'm being self-expressed in my writing and I'm happy with the way I leave it. It's me being me in each moment that I write. There's nothing holding me back, I just type to what comes to mind. I never thought of myself as a writer, but I most definitely am.

HUH?

I have an account on myspace, where I post political stuff. It's funny, I posted a video this morning, in a few groups that I belong to and oh my goodness people are terrible. As soon as they read something they don't like, they immediately attack with no hesitation whatsoever. It's goofy, especially when it wasn't even an opinion of mine, it was a link to a well-known political blogger, Andrew Sullivan, who was bought by Times Magazine...a very respectable man and magazine in the political world. It makes me wonder, how close-minded people really are, how peace will ever seriously happen? How can it? I mean, this wasn't even about 9/11, the project I vaguely talk about here and they responded so quickly, it was impossible for them to even view the video or check his site out. It's just so interesting, I don't have any words to describe how I'm feeling right now. It makes me laugh, but that's me not knowing how to react to the random and angry thinking of human minds. It's baffling is all I'm saying!

Emmitt is FINALLY being trained!

I've been doing my mommy duties and training my baby. He's not very good at staying in his place, we're working on it. However, he heals, heals on a loose leash, sits when we stop, "down on play," and goes to his place when I tell him to. Now, we have to work on "look at me" and once he gets that, we're onto the next phase...I believe that's phase 3...I think.

FUN!

Jill and Gina have been working hard, finding a place for us to stay in New York in September. They found a two bedroom apartment, super cute, 1000 sq. ft, and will sleep all 5 of us. And, don't forget CHEAP! I wonder if people do that, go for apartments opposed to hotel rooms when visiting the big city? It's such a better way to go, at least it seems like it right now. We're "living" in a real place for 5 days, we're not going to be spending more than $200 a piece, and the location is perfect! Way to go ladies on the find! Woo hoo!

Strong Suit Gone Bad

My strong suit has manifested in many ways. One that jumps out at me in this very moment is my last hospital stay.

My Story: As you all know, I was in the hospital for a whole month. My parents flew out and stayed with me, I needed them like never before. The intended surgical procedure was a hysterctomy, but it turned out to be more dangerous, more complex. They literally had to take out my organs, clean off all the scar tissue, shove them back in and remove a small part of my bowel...a six hour surgery. Sorry, if you're a visual person, I know that must've been awful to picture, because it sure didn't feel good afterwards. I was on mass amounts of morphine and pain killers for two weeks and had an epidural for the first couple of days. I couldn't feel a thing and I was definitely hallucinating. Ask Gina, she loves to tell that story!

After being on morphine for so long, I began to freak out. The hallucinations started to scare me, I couldn't grasp reality. I took myself off of it, without the approval of my doctors and switched to demoral. This made me very sick, I couldn't handle the nausea, it was so bad I couldn't even talk for fear that I'd throw up. Finally, I chose to go without any pain killers at all, I felt it was the only way I'd get through. It was pain like no other, but it didn't matter. I was very reasonable at this point, nobody could tell me what to do. I was the strong one who couldn't get my feelings and emotions out. I pent up a lot of anger, sadness, my true way of being. I couldn't tell anyone how scared I was, how I was completely freaked out. It all manifested into my body, the reason why I probably stayed in the hospital a week or two longer than I should have. My dad told me that, Gina told me that, but I wasn't about to admit I was being "weak" and that I was terrfied.

It was the last final days I was in the hospital, I was almost giving up. There were too many let downs, telling me I couldn't go home yet. In fact, IV Ativan was my addiction for the month, to sleep and calm my mind down, it kept me sane. On the Sunday, before I knew I was going home, I had a breakdown. My mom had been in the hospital with me the whole time, sleeping there and sitting by my side. She literally went through the same pain and frustration as I, but it was difficult for me to register that. I was REALLY grumpy, grumpy is not even a good word to describe my mood, I was pissed off and feeling helpless at this point. I stored so much emotion and feeling inside, never did I release it verbally as I should have. I'd get mad, I'd yell at the nurses, but I never voiced what was really going on inside me. Not until my mom snuggled up against me in my hospital bed and asked me how I was really feeling. I turned to her as if she was the one that caused this to happen. I unleashed everything, my anger, my frustration, my sadness. I hurt her in a way that took me a long time to get over. I was awful and it was because my strong suit was in full force the whole time and I wasn't feeling strong at all. That was one regret in my life that I couldn't let go of until Landmark. Although, my mom forgave me and we talked about it several times, I felt it was one of the darkest moments I've ever had, I hurt my mom...I couldn't forgive myself. It still makes me cry writing this. Huh, this may actually be my way of finally becoming complete with this, didn't know I still needed it.

My New Possibility

As I mentioned before, I was coached by Alice today. After talking for several minutes, we realized that the possibility I made for myself out of the Advanced Course was actually my strong suit. HA! My possibility was to be action and strength, but if you think about it, that's who I've always been...the strong one, especially in my relationships. My thinking process is, "I'm too strong to let you know how much I need you. I'm too strong to let you in. I'm too strong to show you how much I care. I'm too strong to express my feelings." Therefore, situations don't affect me like they would other people and I come out looking strong. Hence, my strong suit!

I refused to let myself cry on the phone with Alice last week, before my first breakdown. I fought with everything I had against the huge lump that formed in my throat. I even sucked up the few tears that tried so hard to stream down my cheek. After we got off the phone, I felt I was inauthentic, so I told her about it later. She called me out on it today when she discovered my possibility of being strong was actually my strong suit. Oopsie! We started laughing as soon as she pointed it out.

My other possibility was being action, but I had to step back and think about this one. When I really want something, I'll take all the action in the world to make sure I get it. I'm all about action in certain situations, it's another one of my strong suits, ESPECIALLY in relationships. There's no stopping me and others will say that as well. I don't know why I didn't think of this before, but until I read Jill's post, it wasn't clicking. Her post made me pop! Furthermore, my action and inaction was creating a vicious cycle that was leaving me with a lack of confidence. I knew I could be in action, I've done it! But, when confronted with my inactive behavior, it left me feeling incapable. Whoa.

Man, I am good at doing everything I can to NOT be self-expressed. I actually left the Advanced Course with my strong suit being my possibility. HA! That's funny! My strong suit keeps me closed up, keeps me from being self-expressed, keeps me in fear of letting people in. It was like a light switch when Alice said that, I got it right away. What's even funnier is this possibility was said through my act of being perfect. Who wouldn't want to be around someone who is strong and always in action? I would! Ha! No wonder it never felt natural, or didn't sound right when someone referred to me as my possibility. Anyway, we both felt that it was time to create a new possibility and here it is:

I'm creating the possibility of being self-expressed and vulnerable, and THAT is who I am.

I'm OK, now leave me alone!

Wow. Yep, that is pretty much all I have to say about my experience. Well...nevermind...I take that back, I actually have a lot to say about my experience. BUT, if I had to sum it all in one word, it would be, "wow".

I found exactly what I needed...my act. The very thing that makes me the way I am today. Having a better understanding of what that is is exactly how one can overcome their fears, insecurities or whatever else is going on.

First, for those of you who don't know...your act is something you use on a daily basis to deal with any tragedies, failures, insecurities or any uncomfortable situations you come across. In the process, it causes the "bad news", or the awful truth about you, to unknowingly come into play. This happens so often that before you know it (and usually you don't), you become a certain way of being. This way, dictates the results you get in life and that isn't for the positive.

Sometimes this way brings what Landmark calls a strong suit. A strong suit is a part of your act. The best way to describe it is, strong suits to an act is like scenes are to a movie. They all come together to form the big picture...you...but it really isn't you, it's your act.

Strong suits play into your insecurities. They are often good qualities, however, they allow people to use them to avoid real life. For example, if someone is being yelled at, they will use humor to get through it...humor being the strong suit.

Your act is something that is created at an early age, usually from an incident. Once it's there, it never leaves - you literally live by it, you ARE your act. Knowing where it started and what it brought to your life is exactly how one moves forward to live powerfully.

Ok, so, what does this mean for me? A TON of things. I definitely came out of this weekend feeling powerful. I mean, I was able to go way back to figure out what my incident was that set the path of how I have been living.

I am not going to tell you my incident only because the person that was involved would feel bad and there is absolutely no reason for them to. I was very young and the person was just teasing me, but I think I was too young and sensitive...I would have laughed at it today. Anyway, the way I dealt with it totally explains how I am today.

I did not voluntarily share on my own at all this weekend until Sunday when I found out my act. I guess you can say I was one of the quiet ones. However, realizing how dumb my insecurities were enlight of my incident, allowed me to raise my hand and share for the first time in Jill Landmark history.

After my defining moment (not really...haha), we were let out for dinner only to come back for what really was my defining moment. One by one, we had to go on stage and declare who we are and the act we are giving up. We had to mean it and if we didn't, we would have to do it all over again. This was an exercise to get you to literally transform infront of the room. The only way for it to happen is for you to actually believe what you were saying.

I wanted to get this over with, so I volunteered after about 15 people went, which is crazy for me. As I went up, I heard the 3 claps (it's how you are introduced to start your transformation) and took a step forward. I was sooooooo scared. I decided to "be with" the audience before beginning, meaning, I tried to get present with them while taking deep breaths. I said:

"Who I am is the possibility of self worth (this is when I start crying) and self expression.
((deep breath)) The act that I am giving up is "I'm ok, now leave me alone",
and THAT is who I am."

The entire room got up so quickly, screaming and clapping and literally gave me a standing ovation. Although I was uncomfortable, I loved it. I had to stand up there and take it. I felt so supported it was unreal. I will NEVER forget it.

My act makes a lot of sense, especially to those who know me. I walk around quiet and cool, but what's really going on is that I am not feeling very good about myself which causes me to pen up everything that I may be feeling or thinking. When someone asks me if I am ok even if it looks like I am not, I will always say, "I'm fine".

I will give an example of 4 strong suits that allow me to get away with things I am dealing with...

I am creative, I use this to deal with expressing myself. I am motherly, I use this to show people I love them so I can skip the intimacy. I am always the "nice guy", I use this to deal with how insecure I am about myself along with not having to confront things. I am independent which allows me to keep people at a distance and avoid being vulnerable. I have a lot more than that, but you get the idea.

Because of the way I deal with things, I am distant, a non listener, selfish, passive aggressive, annoyed, short tempered, impatient, judgemental, flakey, a coward, bitchy, a follower...etc...the list goes on. These are my "bad news" or bad truths as I said above.

All of my strong suits and bad news combined..."I am ok, now leave me alone".

Emotions Heal

I know why I haven't had much to say. Last week was a crazy emotional time for me, which left me blank. I feel nothing, which is a great! Now, I'm kinda reflecting on my life, how I want to live it, and what my next moves will be. I feel very present, like things are falling into place and I feel the source to that is me letting go the pent up emotions that I never was able to before. I was able to confront a few of my fears, ones that I fully wasn't aware that I had. It was scary at first, but SO needed.

It's amazing, the more in touch I get with myself, the easier it is to move forward. In the past, anything negative would've kicked me out of commission for awhile, putting me in a place that seemed impossible to get out of. In my opinion, through my most recent experiences, it was holding onto those emotions that kept me from knowing how to come up and breathe. It caused me more hurt and pain to bottle, then to let myself go into the darkside because I couldn't feel what I needed in order for me to change. For example, I just got off the phone with Alice, my SELP coach, and we came to a conclusion that though I felt I had closure with my ex-husband two years ago, I never was truly complete. I totally get that. I never got a chance to tell him how much I hurt when we were together, I never got to tell him how he affected me in my life, and how he affects me now. I bet if I had this conversation with him, I'd be overly emotional and that's because there hasn't been a completion for me. I need to become complete. S0, I'm going to write a letter. I'm NOT going to send it to him, he's got too much going on in his life to deal with me having this realization. I'm going to write out everything I felt at the time, a few years ago, and how I feel now. I'll put some time aside sometime this week and go at it alone. I'll be with my emotions and see where it takes me next. Wish me luck!