Living in the moment.

Whoa. Just purchased some pretty expensive tickets, to fly to New York, for Jill and my 30th birthday. I am very excited! We've been talking about this for months now and we finally made it a reality. Carrie and I will be sitting together, behind Jill and Gina. Calen, Josh, and friends will hopefully be purchasing soon as well. Woo hoo!

Loving them to pieces!

I loved going home to these two. Adorable!

Writing

I chose to take my writing to a new level today. I want to make money, so I looked at Craigslist opportunities and submitted a few of my postings. I'll let you know if I hear anything!

Last Night

I don't have much to report about last night. When I got to the restaurant, I was really nervous. She walked up and she looked beautiful, a very pretty lady and I could tell her nerves were going too. There was so much small talk, I found myself running out of things to say and questions to ask by the time dinner arrived. There was no depth and it actually began to make me feel uncomfortable. I'm not used to surface conversations, I couldn't bounce my thoughts off her at all. I'm assuming it was too much of an age gap. She's 24 and I'm 29. I didn't think it would make that much of a difference, but looking back, I was probably the same way. She was very nice and sweet, the connection just wasn't there.

We then proceeded to a bar in West Hollywood, where we met up with two of her friends. It was nice to meet them, but I really didn't know what to do with myself. I had several moments where I felt my age completely. The fact that I'm turning 30 this year really shined through for me. It wasn't negative though. I told my household, when I got home, how content I am. I feel lucky to be where I am today, through the hardships and all. I love the way I think and I love being an adult. I'm also enjoying my life, where I don't NEED a significant other to fulfill me. I'm in a really good place...yay!

Anyway, I wanted to make another attempt to connect with her. I thought we're here, why not give it another shot? This is where my Landmark tools kicked in. I approached her after several minutes of complete silence. I said, "I need to be honest with you, I really want to get to know you but I'm having a hard time. I'm not sure what questions to ask, I'm kind of struggling here. Why do you think that is?" Yeah, I tried to get all deep on her, trying to get to the source of why converation was so difficult. It backfired. Ha! I couldn't engage her, but I tried so that's all that matters.

Finally, her and her two friends went out for a dance and that's when I felt it was my time to go. I dismissed myself, told her I had a good time and was home before 11. I was glad I went, to have the dating experience that I've been hiding from for awhile. Now I know what to expect, I feel confident to try it again. There's no settling for me, I have complete control of who I should and shouldn't be with. I'm exactly where I need to be in life, there's no hurry. I love myself and I know my market value. For the first time in my life, I can admittedly say I think I'm pretty great and somebody will be lucky to have me as I would her.

I quit

Well...I made a bold move today...in my eyes anyway. I quit the Landmark seminar that I have been attending every Thursday. Yeah, that's right, I broke my commitment. Here is the thing though...Landmark teaches you to make choices, rather than decisions. I made the choice to stop going.

If I follow this up with a why, then it's not going to be a choice anymore, it will be a decision. A choice is unreasonable, a decision is reasonable. So, today, I choose not to attend the Landmark seminar. Nothing against it or or my leader, Jackie, who is a fantastic lady. They are both great and have probably helped a lot of people after the forum. So, I still recommend it.

This does not mean I am not taking action. I am really into the idea of all of our landmark friends getting together and holding group discussions to keep us motivated with the possibilities that we invent for ourselves. I am stoked about it actually.

I am a FIRM believer of Landmark. It has been life changing. It has improved my relationship with myself and with all of my friends and family. I honestly can't wait to attend the advanced course, even though I am well aware that it will probably kick my ass.

Landmark-you rock, my not attending the seminar means nothing. Right?

Hidden Talents

I have a new project, the one I spoke about earlier. It will, and has already started, to consume my life. I need to figure out a schedule so I can do all the other things I want to do as well. Where did all these new found passions come from? How did I get here? That's easy...I broke myself down and built myself back up again. My creativity and drive is booming because I'm allowing myself to be Me. Everyone has a creative side to them, everyone has a hidden talent of some sort. It's just a matter of permitting it to flow, not being afraid to stop thinking, and letting the inner YOU genuinely create. It could be anything from writing to having superb people skills. Many don't feel they possess a talent, but we all do. There's something that keeps us going, there's things that we enjoy. If you look closely, you'll find your talent...maybe it's that you're a good mother, father, or maybe it's the courage of not living inauthentically. Could be anything...look deep within...it's there.

No Income

I woke up this morning and had a realization that I have no income coming in right now. Why I didn't stress out? Not sure. Maybe it's because I saved a little for this particular time in my life. Or, maybe it's that I feel confident the Universe will bring something my way, something that will keep me free, something that will pay my monthly bills.

The way I'm going to approach this is setting a monthly income goal. It's not going to matter how I accumulate it, only that I reach it. It could be a combination of subbing, petsitting, dog walking, blogging, and/or anything that comes my way. It'll be a game for me, a fun one that will keep me active and trying new things.

Hilltop

I went hiking with the dogs today and holy crap was it hot! At one point, I wasn't sure if we were going to make it back down in a reasonable time. It was cool though, as I got to the top of the biggest hill at Runyan, I instantly began talking to this woman. I don't know why, it was just so inviting and she was drawn to me as well. It was a lot of small talk, she was visiting from Chicago and is actually leaving today. As we parted, I felt really good, kind of refreshed. You know that feeling when you talk to a complete stranger, the joy it can bring. I think it has to do with people in general. Genuine people make me happy. I can literally be in a bad mood, but as soon as some realness comes my way, it's an easy spirit booster for me. This is why I love life, why I love people, why I love being free. You never know who or what you're going to run into. It's an adventure and it's one I feel blessed to be a part of.

Dating

I'm going out to dinner tomorrow night with this adorable lady that I met. I'm very excited, it's been awhile for me so I'm really looking forward to the whole "dating" thing. I love getting to know people, especially when an interest is there. It's such a great feeling, with a warm fuzziness to it. Oh, and the nerves...those are fun too! It makes the whole dating concept worthwhile.

I always had a hard time dating, I'm curious to see how I'll approach it now since I've changed so much since Landmark. I went through a dating phase several years back, before my ex-girlfriend, and I didn't enjoy it. I'm definitely a relationship person, if I like someone it's hard for me to look at others and to NOT want to commit. But, that was due to me being impatient, I don't know that I'll feel like that now. I guess I'll just wait and see...

Just a reminder...

I love Calen's last post. He did a great job in expressing himself about his weekend. What I think is important to mention now are about the expectations. It's hard enough for a newbie going in, not knowing what to expect, and knowing that others are waiting around to experience the changes. It's an undeserved pressure on someone who is going in with good intent. For this reason alone, we all have to take ownership, ownership of ourselves. We can't hold expectations of others because it'd be going against everything we've learned in the Forum. It's up to us to live by our own Landmark experience and not by others.

Landmark Forum: A Position of Possibility

It’s Tuesday. The final day of my Landmark Forum experience. It’s been an amazing weekend -- One of exhilaration, torment, agony, jubilation and out-right confusion. Though through all of these emotions, I experienced a profound enlightenment about the possibilities and fulfillment of my life. Friday I was provided the tools, Saturday I learned how to implement those tools, Sunday I mastered the information and the possibilities and Monday I put it into practice. Today, I reflect upon my last four days as if they were a lifetime within themselves. Although each day was 14 hours plus of self-reflection and introspection, my attention to the path was never deviated or weak. I sincerely looked at my life from all perspectives and as far back at I can honestly remember. Through this introspection, and the tools Landmark provides, I am emotionally and mentally “being” by the new possibilities I am afforded for me right now, in this moment.

I don’t look different, though my roommates are overjoyed with the transformation they’ve witnessed. The conversations in the house thus far have been amazingly rich, honest and sincere. I am clearer in my thoughts, focused on my expression of emotion and more honest with myself and those around me. I made some amazing leaps this weekend and still have some ground to make-up, but I’m confident I can maintain a steady path – especially with the help of those individuals that I surround myself with.

It is hard to put into words what the Landmark Forum accomplishes. In addition, there are some things I just can not share because if you haven’t gone through it, the information will hinder your experience like watching a movie that you already know the outcome to. What I can share is that I feel confident, relaxed, accepting, motivated and at ease with my path and role in my life. I highly encourage everyone to share in the Landmark experience. Jamie brought a powerful tool into the house and shared it with so many – she is a coach and a leader and someone that continues to show me what a powerful experience life can be. Jill moves me each day with her communication and her commitment to improve this – she and I never talked deeply about much prior to her experience, but I’ve now earned a new respect for her communication and life. She made the effort yesterday to connect with me and I loved it! I encourage her to continue this as I really like the Jill I now know and understand. With Gina’s completion of Landmark in July, our home will be a powerhouse of possibilities.

A thank you goes out to Josh, Jill and Jamie as well. They took valuable time out of their Sunday evening – 5 p.m. until midnight! – to share in my Landmark experience at the graduate session – a profound statement of dedication and friendship. Thank you. Tonight, I attend the final session. A great feeling of completion, but a saddened thought of an end... but a new beginning of peace. I’ve created a new possibility and I’m stoked for this very moment…

“Out, out, brief candle! Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more. It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” - William Shakespeare

Jilly Bean

I can see a huge change in Jill. She's diligent about her productivity and is much more open and direct. She's loving herself and everything that makes Jill, Jill. She's a happy little lady, one that I've been waiting around for, one who's been deserving of it for a long time now.

Home Seminars

Gina and Calen reminded me last night that it's okay to feel regression, it's all a part of the process. For the past week or so, I've been feeling like I'm taking steps back opposed to moving forward. I've had many rackets, which are continued self-made issues like, "I feel a lot of pressure for being the first to do Landmark. Now that almost everyone in my life are doing it or already have, I don't want to backtrack and disappoint anyone. I want to keep pushing forward, however, there's times I feel that I'm off, listening to those little voices in my head."

They welcomed me to talk about it and I'm very thankful for that. It was one of the most important shares I've had in awhile because I didn't feel this was a Me fix. I lost my tool for a moment, the one that I needed to free myself back up again. I didn't feel that I could share my rackets because it was Calen's big week and I didn't want to distort his excitment in any way.

They were able to coach me, accessing my ability to get rid of the racket. I can't stress enough how important it is to have people around who know what we're each going through. I woke up this morning and literally began to cry, telling Jill about our little in-home seminar meeting last night. It touched and moved me, knowing that I have this support 24/7 and I can use it anytime I feel off-track. The four of us made a pact that we're going to have frequent meetings, just like this one, to make sure we're all succeeding in our life transformations.

Consider this...

Calen reminded me today, it's not about telling someone they're wrong when the view is different. It's about asking one to make a consideration, intending to create the possibility of another choice. It's the most appropriate way to handle disagreements. There's no attack, conversation doesn't get heated, and all viewpoints are heard.

My story: Calen and I went hiking today and were having a conversation. I stated a racket I was having and conveyed the reasoning behind it. He turned to me and instead of saying, "That's wrong," he said, "I get that, but will you consider this?" It was perfect. That was the one communication tool I forgot about since the Forum. I wasn't the least bit offended by his take on it and it actually gave me a different perception, one that I took on myself, one that I wasn't aware of. It was really great to have an opportunity for another choice, without taking it personally. I like this style, I'm going to practice this from here on out, given the chance.

Emmitt's Training

Emmitt is back in boot camp today. I have to start all over again, so we're on phase one. He learns his place, walking on a leash, sitting and laying down on command, and crate training. Everything thing he needs right now, oops!

So much to do.

I've been so wrapped up in the political world, I haven't been focusing on my own self-development. Then again, I am because I've found my passions and I'm whole-heartedly applying it to my life, I'm taking action. For the first time, I have quite a few interests and hobbies on my list. I never feel bored, there's just too much to do. First, I love writing. Any opportunity I have, I write. Second, I'm into world change and following politics, I can't get enough it seems. Last, I love to read. I have one book I'm almost finished with and one waiting for me to open. Both are self-development books, good ones too! Again, for the first time, sometimes I don't feel there's enough hours in the day.

New Job?

This afternoon, I have a coffee meeting with the woman that may hire me for the Vernon Chamber of Commerce. I need to finish up my resume today, Calen is going to help. He used to work for her so he knows what she'll want to see. It's at 4:30 today....wish me luck!

An Eye Opening Weekend

As conflicted as I've been about mentioning politics in this blog, it IS a part of life, a part of ALL of our lives. It's what governs the way we live and the way we live in the world. Human beings need laws, policies, and agendas, we keep order that way. We need limits, we need something legally pushed forward in order to keep the sanity, the responsibility of being alive. Our government needs to be powerful...a powerfully positive enforcement. It needs to encourage life, life within us and life outside of us. The only way we're ever going to change is if there is someone who can lead and I undoubtedly know that George W. Bush is not the man who should be in that position.

I chose to post this one time, for the purpose of changing our world. To me, if we're going to live together, we need to govern together as well. If we're going to govern together, we need to establish a community, a unity, a focus on what's important in living a life of truth. In order to make a community, we need to step outside ourselves and take a look inside, see if we're a part of the problem. Are you being unreasonable or reasonable? Are you being truth or faith? Are you being sincere or geniune? Are you being authentic or in-authentic? How are you being in your views and opinions? These questions will tell you what YOUR reality is. Not everyone's is the same, that's how we know political parties aren' t the answer, community isn't the answer...at least not right now, we can't. We're all over the place, there's no unity in that. It's the people, the citizens, the individuals that need to make the change first. We have to accept ourselves, love ourselves, live the life that we've each been given.

This Weekend: The convention we attended covered a life altering occurrence that happened and is STILL happening to our country. I'm really into it, I want a change, and so do the 1,200 others who participated in this sold out event. I'm not going to go into what it is here, if you're intrigued you can check out my political blog, Political Pecker.

I'm excited to write about politics (NOT ON CONCLUSION BLOGGER), I'm being powerful when I do it. It's a game for me, making people aware of our government, the people in it, and how it's affecting our lives. You may disagree with what I say or have a totally different view; but that's the challenge, part of the game, to see how open-minded we can all be to one another. I may be intense, a little dramatic, and "seem" angry at times, but I promise you it'll all be in good fun, while keeping it real in the process.

Sunday Night

Jill and I will be joining calen this evening for dinner. I can't wait for him to share his experience with you! He came home exhausted last night, but with a sense of completion, an unstoppable human being. I can't say much more, it's not my place so you'll have to wait for him.

I'm proud of Calen, he literally just jumped right in, giving it 110%. That's what you have to do if Landmark is in your future. There's no half-assing, unless you have the time and money to waste. Most of us don't, so give it your all. It's the only way to be.

Today

We're going to be gone all day today due to a convention we've been looking forward to. Maybe later I'll explain, or not...Ha!

Quick thought...

Calen is loving Landmark so far. We can already see a change in him...amazing!

Settling

After watching the news, posting my own articles, and observing; I've come to realize that people really believe living is surviving, it's just a part of life. I think that's sad because with my new understanding of why we're here, I have a hard time with that perception. Take it from someone who just recieved the LAST fixed paycheck, who has no more vacation or sick days left, who is literally in between jobs right now. Believe it or not, I'm not stressed. I feel as long as I keep pursuing what I want, something will eventually fall into my lap. I'm having fun, I love the freedom, and if I wasn't in this position I would NEVER be able to do what I want.

I used to be more than willing to accept that life was hard, that I had to stay in this job because I needed the money, that things were just unfair. Again, this is the easy route to go. It's called settling for a life that we don't want because we don't deserve to be happy. Of course we derserve to be happy, right? Well, if we really felt that, we'd be taking action to make that happiness a reality. Settling doesn't make us happy, it depresses us because we feel stuck, like there's no way out. But, it's also comforting, we don't have to go into the unknown because that's where our fear lies, we're afraid to experience the new, too lazy to take action. This isn't the way to live, not by a long shot. Why do I have the right to be happy and you don't? Why do I get to do the things I want and you're stuck? The answer is easy. I'm no better than you, I have no more of a right, I just chose a different path. I chose a challenge. I chose to be happy.

Emmitt's Training- not so good:(

I have to confess the one thing I committed to, after Landmark, was to train Emmitt. I've been slacking big time, I didn't keep my word. I would start on it today, but I won't be able to continue through the weekend. So Monday is my new start date. I'm not going to make myself wrong for it, after all, that's what causes the negativity within us. The only thing I can do is acknowledge the fact that I didn't keep my commitment and take action as soon as I can.

My Friend

I talked on the phone today, to my friend Khush, the original Landmark Graduate. She has her PhD. in psychology and really knows how to intertwine them both. She's a wise one, someone who really cares about people, especially those in her inner circle. I love being her friend. She's so intellectual and really knows how to push people in the right direction. She's like the walking handbook for Landmark. She randomly calls to see how life is going and if she doesn't feel enrolled from the conversation, it's share time until the enrollment begins. I love it! I hung up the phone feeling really great, right back on track, and I didn't even know I was off. Thanks Khush!

Want it? Go get it!

It's so true. When you really want something, most of the time you get it. I just experienced that today. We went to buy tickets to a convention we want to attend this weekend, they were all sold out. We were so overly bummed, to the point of tears. Then, Jill and I pressed the issue all morning long and not only did we get tickets for the two of us, now Gina and Carrie have a pair as well. I am so excited! Life is good!

Calen's turn!

Calen's big life transformation weekend has arrived. Tomorrow he will be joining others, in learning the tools to lead a happy and fulfilling life. He doesn't feel he's going to come upon any huge revelations. My advice to him: Keep an open mind! You NEVER know what you're going to get until you've experienced it.

I know he already knows this, so I thought I'd put it in writing!

A College Story

Gina and I were having a conversation about what we were like in college. I look back now and I'm literally blown away by myself. I was really immature, just like every other college kid. We'd drink like fish, skip class, talk trash, and seriously live like we were indestructible. I thought things were funny that really shouldn't have been viewed like that, I was never scared of anything. One story comes in mind when I write this.

My story: It was my sophomore year at Ohio State when my dad bought a 10 bedroom house. Kristen and I lived in it, along with eight of our friends. We chose to have a big party....a nine kegger to be exact. The only way we could afford it was by giving our plasma for $50 a person. Yeah, you read it right...we swapped plasma for beer! Ha! Anway, our friends had a band, we booked them for the night and prepared all day for the big bash.

As soon as we were ready, the crowd showed up. The band was playing, people were drinking, and everyone was having a great time. All of a sudden, this unfamiliar face comes walking through, headed towards the kegs. I spotted him almost instantly, approached him, and told him he had to leave (I knew he was an undercover cop, he just didn't fit.). He was resistant to my request at first, but then decided to leave....or so I thought.

Out of nowhere, we were surrounded by the police, a few on horses, two helicopters, cars, and two paddy wagons. Everyone began to scramble, I was left by myself. I looked up towards the house and saw Jason, my roommate, being coerced by a cop to come downstairs. I walked up to the cop because I felt bad Jason was the only one getting in trouble. She asked if I lived there and I said, "yes." She proceeded to put me up against the wall, pat me down, and put the on handcuffs. I thought it was funny. She walked me to the paddy wagon, where I had to step up the stairs to get inside. I couldn't believe it and I also didn't care. I was so rude to the cops, laughing and joking around with my friends, who were also arrested.

After a few hours of being held captive, they finally let us go, with a ticket of course. I had to go to court for "underage contributing to underage." We hired a lawyer, who got my charge down to a misdemeanor...phew! I ,then, went back home and joined the small party who hid the last keg. Oops!

Can you imagine if that happened to me now? NO! First, I'd be scared shitless. Second, I'd go to jail. And third, I'd be totally ashamed of myself. My how the mind changes over time...or should I say maturity.

Change in plans

My meeting tomorrow isn't happening until Monday now. That's okay because I'll have more time to work on my resume. I'm going to make it a good one!

Blogger's "To Do" List- Update!

I need to get back to my list:

• blog publishing software- Done
  
• HTML/CSS- Learning and using as we speak.
  
• blog comments (and comment spam)- Done
  
• RSS/syndication- Done, but need to research more.
  
• feed aggregators
• pings
• trackbacks
• full vs. partial feeds
• blog carnivals (for kick-starting your blog’s traffic) - This is a weekly task.
  
• search engines
• search engine optimization (SEO)
• page rank
• social bookmarking
• tagging - Done
  
• contextual advertising
• affiliate programs
• traffic statistics - Done
  
• email

Being Selfish

I used to be selfish with Jill and Gina. I would expect things from them, even when I didn't deserve it. I'd act, without hesitation, on stuff I wanted to do and not think of their feelings. Of course, when I would see that I hurt them, it would make me feel terrible and regretful. It sucked and it was all because I was self-absorbed. Too much into my own self that I wasn't thinking about how I'd affect either one. My thoughts would only go so far, not for the whole picture.

Being selfish is ugly. I'm thankful that I'm not that person anymore. I'm constantly thinking about my actions, making sure it's not negatively affecting ANYONE around me. I've learned how selfishness really blocks out reality. One is so far gone in their own world, that unreasonable thinking isn't even a possibility. I always say it's the small things that count, and one that is in their own self-absorbed bubble will never see them. It's sad really, it doesn't take much thought to know what those small things are. My excuse was always, "I didn't think about it." Or "I didn't mean to." Or "I forgot." Nahhhh, those don't work. If I really cared, I'd know what to do and what not to do. Those excuses, or even excuses in general, are for people who are oblivious to their own actions and are only thinking of themselves. They will never learn from their mistakes because they're too busy trying to refute blame.

This realization is only one of the many gifts Landmark gave me. I'm grateful for that. It rids me of anxiety, which gives me the ability to take responsibility for my actions. It keeps me complete, a significant part of a life transformation.

Recap of the weekend:

We had such an amazing weekend that literally ended last night. On Friday, Jill and Gina had a night together to start the weekend, while I had some relaxing alone time with the dogs. Love that! On Saturday, Jill took Gina horseback riding and to lunch, while Calen and I cleaned our house, got things ready, and ran around with our heads cut off trying to get everything we needed for her surprise party. We even got a keg, a little touch of Ohio/Frat Boy in the air...ha!

That afternoon, we sat around for a bit and relaxed. Then, it was "go time" and we had to get ready. The first surprise we had in store was the "Mystery Dinner." A big group of our friends gathered at the restaurant before we arrived to surprise Gina. It was really cool. She was shocked and a bit overwhelmed...who knew she was loved by so many? The dinner was a big murder mystery, which gave all the participants an opportunity to solve. It was comical and a bit lame, but all in good fun! Our group got the most attention throughout the evening, to the point where the table next to us were feeling a bit left out, they were crabby. Oops!

After the murder was solved and the dinner was over, everyone hugged and kissed goodbye knowing they would be joining us later. We told Gina we were meeting Josh at the Akbar, but had to stop home to let the dogs out. We arrived, walked in the door, and all our friends were crowded around and yelled "SURPRISE!" to Gina. It was perfect! The backyard was decorated, due to Carrie's purchases and Josh's creative touch. It was a really fun evening with a few kegstands, and staying up until 4 drinking it.

Next morning, we slept in, got up, and hung out for a bit. Carrie and Josh came over, made cookies, then headed over to David and Cle's for a relaxing evening. We stayed there, watching movies on their ENORMOUS screen, and eventually all of us fell asleep. We went home around 10 after we woke each other up. It's very comfortable there, I'll write about their house in a later post...amazing!

Yesterday, was her real birthday. Jill, Gina, Carrie, and I went to the dog beach in Long Beach. It was awesome! The dogs loved it and it was nice actually being at the beach, I never go. That night, Jill cooked a big birthday dinner. Our guests included: Josh, Marisa, Carrie, Dianne, and Frank. It was a perfect conclusion to Gina's 29th birthday! Love you lady!

Challenge #16

Tomorrow I am having coffee with the woman I'd be working for at the Vernon Chamber of Commerce. I'm looking forward to it! I have to put together my resume today so that will be my challenge. I'm not business savvy, nor do I pretend to be, but I do feel confident that I can do this. I'll let you know how it goes!

Thank you Calen!

Landmark Ahoy!?

This weekend marks yet another adventure of Landmark Education. This time it’s me – Dragon Rider (aka Calen). As with my predecessors, I’ll hope to provide insightful commentary pre and post my encounter, as well as give a complete and honest opinion of the program and my issues that I know I don’t know. I’m excited – not yet nervous – but I can tell as Friday approaches that I’m starting to feel the butterflies of anxiety.

I assume that no significant change will be marked within myself (more like pockets of the unknown exposed), though there is a considerable part of me that hopes there will be – like a revelation or some overwhelming epiphany that catapults me into a more confident and comfortable lifestyle… meanwhile, still living each day to it’s fullest (or at least I plan to). For each of us that complete the course from here on out, we definitely have a slight advantage – I know what to expect before, during and after the course… I’ve seen it with my friends. Though, even with this comforting notion, I’m going in blind… similar to my housemate Gina and her recent birthday celebrations. Sometimes it’s better to forget what you know, or expect, and take it all in one second at a time like you’re doing it for the first time.

In addition to this weekend, I’ve recently made some major breakthroughs (thanks to signing up for Landmark) with fellow friends and an ex-girlfriend. I exposed myself for the faggot I am… I laugh openly. I’ve become more comfortable with the idea of being gay and have begun to inform those individuals of my past – a major step for me and one that I would continue to avoid if I had complete control of the situation. The fraternity brothers find out this weekend on the annual frat retreat… I chose not to go as I felt my telling them in person would put a strange vibe in the air all weekend. Instead I sent them a 5 page letter and thrust myself into Landmark… I await their response.

So until this weekend…

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Well, today is my ladies birthday...

she just turned 29. She is one of the most important people in my life. I love her so much it makes my teeth hurt (not sure why my teeth, but just go with me on this).

June 20th (or the "birthday weekend") I will go to the ends of the earth to make sure her birthday is always special. 3 things make Gina estatic about life...USC, her birthday and her family. Well, today is her birthday and god damn it, it's going to be a good one. USC comes in September and well, she always has her family. Needless to say, her birthday comes once a year and I love how much she looks forward to it. Therefore, I will do everything in my power to honor it.

For those who don't know Gina, she is a wonderful, caring, fun, intelligent and beautiful lady that I am so proud of. She brightens up my day everyday (when she isn't grumpy-haha, goes both ways). She makes me strong and goes out of her way to let me know how proud she is of me. I would wish a Gina on anyone. I love you honey...Happy Birthday!

High On Life

I never knew what it felt like to be "high" on life, until that Monday morning, after I did the Landmark Forum. It was a feeling I've never felt before, an unfamiliar way of being. I "popped" is what they call it. It's when we get rid of everything that holds us back, making the incomplete complete, and living it in the real world. In that very moment, we "get" what life is about. Once we do, we are free, feeling powerful, along with incredible joy and happiness. It's amazing. Colors are brighter, love is unconditional, and life is looked upon as a game. It's awesome, it sets in how life is precious, how lucky we are to be here. Reality is positive, not the negative way we may have looked at it before. It doesn't last long, maybe a week at the most. I was fortunate enough to experience this "ecstasy," one that will stay with me forever and keep me going because I felt the purity of my life.

Challenge #15- Update!

I finally posted my diary on the Daily Kos. After registration, it takes a week before we can submit anything and now that it's time, I did it. I'm a bit nervous, I must admit. I don't know how people are going to take it, if they will even read it, but at least my fear isn't stopping me and I followed through with my gut and my challenge. Wish me luck!

Father's Day

I love my dad to pieces! He was the guy who held me in the hospital when I was born. He never gave up and continued to love me, knowing I may not survive. He played with us a lot while growing up. He was the human horse! He spoils us rotten with his love, affection, trust, and of course material things. He worked hard for our family, still does, always making sure we had everything we needed and everything we wanted. He used to take us each out on our own special days. It was never a question that he loved us all the same. We knew how lucky we were, how fortunate he made our lives. Disappointing him was the worst punishment. There was nothing worse than knowing we did something he didn't agree with or didn't like. He was at my bedside through all my hospital stays, making sure his baby was okay. When he walked me down the isle, I was terrified to let go. He makes us feel safe, he would do anything to protect us. I love hanging out with him. I can tell him anything and he won't judge. He formed a friendship with all three of us, a friendship that keeps us all so close and loving. He's a sentimental guy, one who will cry when he hears how much he's loved by us. He admires my mom, he loves her dearly. It makes me excited for that in my life because they make it a reality, that those partnerships do exist. He supports us through everything, even breaking it to him that he has two gay daughters. He made himself okay with it because of his unconditional love, like every father should. We don't live near each other, but he still influences my life everyday. I get my strength from him, he can literally do anything he wants. He's a positive role model, one that I look up to through all my life choices. He's proud of his family as much as we are proud that he's our dad. We are who we are today because of him, an incredible father that continues to believe in us and our lives.

Birthday Weekend

I haven't been writing because we've been celebrating Gina's birthday all weekend long. We're having lots of fun and there's still more to come this evening!

Bad News

I just found out that one of the teacher's I taught with, in Kindergarten, died. Although, I wasn't close to her, I'm affected by it. It's weird when someone you know dies, it seems so surreal...I'm totally stunned right now. She struggled with diabetes almost her whole life, the reason why she had to take a sick leave. She was found a day and a half ago. It's so sad to think she passed away all alone. Nobody was there to hold her hand, to tell her it'll be okay. Wow, it goes to show you how precious life is and how important it is to have people in our lives. Damn.

Manual Labor

I worked outside all day today, mowing the yard and cleaning up. The crew came home and was thrilled with what I did, I also felt very good about it. We started talking about how manual labor is "good for the soul," as Gina put it. I agree. Whenever I give myself an active project, I'm quite pleased with myself when I'm done. I didn't have to do it and it sure wasn't inviting, but for some reason as soon as I get started, the more energy I have to finish. It's the pure opposite of being lazy...which is a total power trip for me. It rejuvenates my mood and I'm ready to relax, the very thing that I enjoy most.

Last Seminar

I had my last seminar last night. I'm excited that I don't have to go anymore, but it did feel weird that it was over. Some of these people, I probably won't ever see again. It's a little sad, we've been going through our life transformations together for almost 4 months now. I wish nothing but the best for those who participated in my seminar. From what I got, I can see nothing but good things happening to these people. Everyone changed for the better, including myself. I found my creative side, while learning what integrity was about. I interacted with people I never thought would be my friends, but now I can't imagine them not being in my life. Wanda, Etty, Cesar, Kelly, Jeraline, and Walter are the people who made this seminar work for me. They were my group, they were my support. They all have won a special place in my heart and I'm confident that we'll keep in touch, making sure we're still on the right track to a happy life.

We ALL live through fear.

The more I keep reading self-development books, the more I am aware about people and their actions. I can point out why they do the things they do, or don't do. It's amazing how intuitive I've felt since Landmark. It's actually hard to take things personally because it isn't about me. People, including myself, conduct themselves through fear and fear alone. It doesn't seem like that, especially when one comes off as being strength, but that's the act of making sure their fear is undetected. Everybody has fear, it's only natural. It's when we hide behind it that affects our lives and the people around us. If we can't push through the fear, we'll never be in control of our own lives, our own destiny. We'll never get that job we've always wanted, or that relationship we've always dreamed about. We'll never grow as individuals because we haven't experienced the failures, the successes, the opportunities that open in front of us. Learning is believing and believing is how most of us live our lives. If we believe in ourselves, then fear won't stop us. It'll keep us pushing forward, learning, and teaching us how to live courageously; a way of being that will bring us happiness, what life should be about.

Thursday Morning

I got my substitute teaching application today. Looks like I will be able to sub over the summer session after all. I'm still going to see what my other options are first, but at least I have this as a backup for now. Jill and I are going to go strong with the marketing of Thank Dog! and the new addition of...ME! We may not be able to start until next week, but it will be done because we both want this. If this works, I will have a lot of time to focus on what I want for my life and that's very exciting to me.

Coming home!

Jill and I are coming back today. It was a short trip, but so worth it all. I am madly in love with my niece and two nephews. I feel very lucky to be their aunt and I'm going to make more of an effort to keep in touch with them. It's sad we don't get to see them as much as we'd like, the only thing we can do is make the best out of the long distance. I'm looking forward to their LA visits, when they get a little bit older of course.

FYI

I want everyone to be aware that Jill has been contributing to this blog, along with Josh's post. My dad mentioned something today that had to do with one of Jill's entries, he thought I wrote it. Obviously, I didn't so I want to make clear that the names are posted below who are the authors. Thanks and enjoy!

I hate my mouth sometimes.

Well...figured out one of the things I need to work on! Sometimes I blurt out things that I regret and then I can't stop thinking about it. It ruins my mood, brings anxiety and makes me want to stop talking. Obviously this just happened.

Racket, racket racket...ok, it's gone. Phew, that was a close one.

A Different Life

What a difference...Ohio living vs. California. Neither one better than the other, just different. When I visit Ohio, I feel like I should have a set career, a wife, kids...the whole package. In Los Angeles, I'm free as a bird, doing whatever, not worrying about what's happening tomorrow or a month from now. Not to say that people in California don't have families, it's just more common for people my age to be taking work as it comes, being single, and kid-free. There's nothing wrong with it, in fact, I think it's nice to have a balance between what my life is like and observing others. I can make a realistic choice, one that would fit for me and my lifestyle. It's cool, I'm feeling good knowing that someday I will also have what everyone else does here...I'm looking forward to it, but more for my journey to get there.

My project is finally done...

One of the things I wanted to improve after Landmark is my relationship with my niece and nephew. Being so far away makes it hard for us to get to know them which often makes me sad when we come home because they don't really remember us. Until now...

Coming to Ohio to surprise my sister was so awesome, not only did Kristen have the BEST response, Max and Ava were so happy to see us! Kristen has obviously kept us alive in conversation while we are at home.

Anyway, one of the things I dedicated myself to was making a present for Max and Ava. I started on them about 3 weeks ago and it was really tedious and time consuming. I finally finished it the night before we flew here so I sent them to Ohio to be printed. My dad picked them up, the great dad that he is, so I would have a nice present to give them. Their reaction to it was priceless!!! I wish I had it on camera...

Anyway, Max is in love with the T-Rex, therefore, he is riding one. Ava just likes pink stuff and horses and such, so I made her on a unicorn. Hope you enjoy it!

The Parise Family

Jill and I flew home to surprise Kristen and to meet our new nephew. She wasn't expecting us at all, the look on her face when we walked in the door was priceless. She began to cry. It made the whole trip worth it in just that brief moment. I'm so happy to be here, to be here for my older sister.

It's always so great to see Matt, my brother-in-law, too. He's been in our lives for a long time, it wouldn't be the same without him. He's such a loving dad, husband, and a wonderful brother. He's everything a guy should be, Kristen is fortunate to have him and so are we.

Max is growing up, he's so big. He'll be 4 in August and he already knows all the letters in the alphabet and names to all the dinosaurs. He's a smart one....a little genius in the making.

Ava is adorable! She's only 2 and not the least bit shy. She has such a personality on her already...I think she's going to be a funny lady, a lot of fun to be around!

Leo is the new little man. He's so cute, he looks just like Max when he was born. Next time we see him, he's going to be a little bigger...I can't wait!

My Birth Date

Your Birthdate: September 15

You take life as it is, and you find happiness in a variety of things. You tend to be close to family and friends. But it's hard to get into your inner circle. Making the little things wonderful is important to you, and you probably have an inviting home. You seek harmony with others, but occasionally you have a very stubborn streak. Your strength: Your intense optimism Your weakness: You shy away from exploring your talents Your power color: Jade Your power symbol: Flower Your power month: June

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Good times!

I had So much fun yesterday! Besides the fact that I drank too much and lost my cell phone, it was good times! I met some really cool people, ones I think I'll see again...I hope. Gay Pride is such a happy place, we get to let go and be ourselves. I felt very confident, not afraid to talk to anyone. It's such an amazing feeling when there's no insecurities stopping me from meeting new people. I love it and I'm going to keep stepping outside the box, until conversing with the unfamiliar becomes second nature, until I'm not afraid anymore.

Celebration

Today I am going to Gay Pride in West Hollywood. I'm excited to go! Usually it's very crowded, but we're going to make the best of it. Almost all my friends will be there, so it'll be fun!

Coffee Date

I had a great cup of coffee today with two incredible people. They affected me so much that I'm on a major power trip. I'm posting my political blog that I wrote, all over the place. I don't care if it gets read or even liked, I just know I'm being authentic to myself and my purpose for this blog. They both inspired me to step back and look at myself again. To revisit what I set out to do in the first place. I created the possibility of being "action" and "strength" and I'm being it right now! Just as they are on a daily basis...

When I see Wanda, I see a leader. I see fire in her eyes, ready to take on the world! She's an amazing human being, one that I totally connect with. Her talent is breathtaking, a true artist at work. Although, she's modest and doesn't always share it, she KNOWS how good she is and that is what will keep her going. In my mind, I already see her as a huge success. Not only in her career, but in her life. She's really "getting" it, the secret of living out her dream. She's my friend and my support, one that I feel privileged to have.

Martin is a rock star, a guy with a purpose. He enjoys life and what it brings. People are his passion, his daughters are his love. His messages are clear and very well spoken. He looks to hold out his hand to those who struggle. I feel good when I'm around him, he has that positive vibe. He's a great listener, someone to turn to for a new perspective on life. I really enjoy our conversations, I feel confident with my words. I know that he's gonna stick around for awhile, because I'm creating that possibility.

Carrie

Oh Carrie! You're so unpredictable, probably why we love you so much. Never in a million years would I have thought you'd sign up for the Landmark Forum. That's not a negative statement, actually it's the exact opposite. You had a moment, an inspiration, and you made it a reality. You followed through with your gut, telling you that maybe this could be a good thing. You took charge of your life and I'm proud of you for that. In fact, when I thanked Josh for enrolling you, I teared for joy because you are THAT important to me and to our household. Loving you...

Morning!

I began challenge #15 last night. I couldn't stop writing, to the point where I didn't go to bed until 4:30 am, which was unfortunate because the dogs wanted fed at 5:30. I'm not running on that much sleep, but that's okay...the less sleep, the better. Plus, Calen just went to go get us some Starbuck's...yummy!

Challenge #15

Last night I sat by William, a man who's been in my seminar since the beginning, who I've never conversed with before. We partnered up, doing an exercise that deals with our passions and not letting criticism or negative judgments interfere. It was uncomfortable at first, but during the second round, I really FELT my passion come forth...it was real, it was pure, it was natural. In that moment, I believed in my abilities, my talent...I believed in myself.

My passion is writing. I love to write! I enjoy it so much that sometimes I have a hard time leaving my house. When I do, I'm excited to come home to get back on my computer and start writing again. I have so many ideas that run through my head, I literally have to bring my journal or something to write on everywhere I go. I have written on several topics, sharing my stories and experiences, trying to inspire people to "live" life, not "survive" it. I also have been writing politically, not here, but I do take a big interest in politics which leads me to write some of the things that I do. Some of it is it full of sarcasm and some of it includes my true feelings. I love to write because it's a part of me, it comes from within, and nobody can take it away. I hold all the power and that in itself is a gift, a gift that I've searched and longed for, a gift that I've finally found.

Challenge #15: William turned to me during a break and asked what I got out of the seminar. I told him what I got was writing. It encouraged me to embrace my creativity, which turned into words, inspiration, and guidance for my own self-discovery. He explained that he used to be a Landmark seminar leader for many years and he could see the power behind my passion, that I was ready to explode. He then proceeds to ask if I would be willing to create a new possibility with my writing. He said, "Next Thursday, for our last seminar, I want to hear what you've done to make your writing a reality. I want you to go to the unknown and produce something that would be significant to you, your life, and your writing." I was floored, confused, and extremely flattered. I agreed, got excited, but then didn't know what to do next. Until I spoke to Jill anyway...

Jill was intrigued by this conversation. She began throwing out ideas, wondering how I should approach it. We talked about what my interests are, what I feel good about and it lead to two things: life and politics. She then threw out the idea of writing a diary on the Daily Kos, a political blog that has an average of 490,261 readers a day. The way it works is anybody can write a diary. If people like it, they recommend or vote on it. If it gets a lot of attention, the diary will make it to the top and sometimes if it's really good, to the main part of the blog.

For my challenge, I am going to write a diary. I am going to combine life and politics together and see if people will bite. Who knows, maybe they'll like what I have to say...maybe I will be a top diary. If not, it's okay because at least I tried. I'll let you know when I post it, so you can see what happens for yourself.

Life since Landmark

Well, I have to say, I am quite a happy person lately. I have realized that my grumpiness has seriously decreased by 80%. Of course, I still have my grumpy moments, who doesnt? But the difference is that I can talk myself out of it now.

My weight has decreased as well. I am finally losing and am feeling good about it. I haven't necessarily stepped on the scale, but just in my clothes I can tell I am losing inches.

I am more proactive and don't really dwell on the things that I have to do. This is a huge improvement because I was used to stressing out and then procrastinating which makes absolutely no sense...haha.

Communication is going very well, I have still things to work on in this regard, but I am talking a whole lot more. Guess what? People are actually getting to know me!

Basically, all of the things I was hoping Landmark would help with, came true. It's weird how sitting in a room just listening to people talk can really inspire you. Seriously, I can say that I am genuinely a happier person because of that 3 day weekend. Cult or no cult...I feel damn good about myself and that is something I haven't felt in years!

I could just cry...happy tears.

Landmark vs. Cult

It's funny...when you google Landmark Education, the one thing that stands out for people is the word "cult." I feel the need to touch upon this topic because it's one of the major issues that deter people from doing it, like it almost did me. I heard about how it changed lives and actually observed the changes myself, which then gave me a genuine interest in being a participant. I got on the Internet, googled "Landmark Education" and Bam! The interest was gone because "cult" was brought up in the search. I obviously ended up doing it anyway, due to the trust I have with my friends who already went through. After my experience, I felt it was the best choice I've ever made! It's too bad that people associate Landmark as being a cult-like organization, when there's nothing but good that comes out of it. Some say it's just mind-controlling, a money hungry business and I feel it's my responsibility to stand up for this education, for it holds the truth and the tools of living a happy and fulfilled life as individuals and uniting as a community.

Landmark vs. Cult: Most cults are religious, they take an individual out of the real world and make them "family." They travel through life together, living in an unconventional way that opposes society and the ways of being. Their purpose is to take a member away from their loved ones using brainwashing, extreme measures, and religious beliefs. It's negative, teaching members they can't live on their own, they must follow the ways of the group. There's no individuality, no independence, no unconditional love that can be spread throughout the world. Wisdom isn't a possibility because cults don't encourage personal growth, maturity, or living out dreams.

Landmark is not a religious group, it's a business. Businesses need to make money in order to survive and live out their purpose. They have a vision and it's for the good of ALL humanity. They want to bring peace into this world, so we can live freely, comfortably, and not afraid. Their goal is to make us each aware of how we've been living our lives, how we affect our loved ones, and what we need to do to be successful. They encourage family, friends, LIFE, living it powerfully, standing up for others, and being happy while doing it. They teach acceptance, how to communicate to others, and getting rid of all those negative stories that stop us from "living." They give us the tools to use to be better people and to guide others when they struggle.

Mind-control has been a compelling argument, but so has television (Gina made this distinction). Landmark teaches us how to control our minds, making the negativity not seem like a reality and dealing with our fears we face in our daily lives.

Yes, their sales pitch is heavy, one that I didn't agree with in the beginning. But it's not just about the money, it's about surrounding ourselves with people who want the same thing...to be happy and accept others for who they are. Life transformation is difficult as I said before. It's easy to go back into the same old patterns, ones that made us angry, depressed, and feeling hopeless. That's why it's important to have people around that understand, who "get" it, who can give their support when life seems to be difficult and uncontrollable.

Landmark is an amazing organization, a blessing to my life. If it's the "cult" issue that's keeping you away, don't let it. It's not a cult and I guess the only thing I can say is...TRUST ME. I wouldn't be here if it was, sharing my stories and everything else about my life. I think that would be against cult policy...wouldn't it?

Tags: Mind, Life Transformation, Cult, Landmark Education, Family, Love

It's Amee's turn!

Amee begins the Landmark Forum today. Again, I am very excited for her. She's going to walk out of there a different person, someone who she loves and respects. I can't wait to hear about her experience!

Ready Set Landmark!

So it’s been a couple of weeks since I took the Landmark Forum and I’ve just now decided that I’m ready to share and write about my experience. At first I didn’t know exactly what I wanted to say but I decided that I’m just going to not think about it too much and just speak from the heart.

Before going into the Forum I was filled with a flurry of emotions like anxiousness, nervousness, anxiety and excitement. I really didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t ever attend an intro course, so the only elements I knew were the ones that my friends (whom had already gone through it) had decided to share with me. I knew that in order for me to be able to get the most out of this experience that I needed to go in with 3 very important things.

Courage – To be able to have a mirror put up to my face for long 3 days and take the risk of not liking what I might see and being willing to do something about it.

Open Mindedness – To be able to hear something new and different that might challenge everything I know and believe in.

Support – To be able to share what I was going through with friends and family regardless of if they had taken the forum or not.

Knowing that I had these three aspects in tow I felt I was as prepared as anyone could be for walking into a situation with very little information.

My course had 150 people and we were placed in a room with lots of windows but each had the blinds closed as to not detract our attention from why we were there. The days were long (about 13 -14 hours) and were filled with lots of listening to our leaders Gary (a very comical man with a theater background) & Carolina (a woman who was from Bolivia and had a very thick accent). For a large portion of the first day I felt like I just wasn’t getting what they were talking about. They could have been speaking in Chinese and I think I would have grasped about the same amount of information. It wasn’t that I couldn’t understand what they were saying verbally, it was that I didn’t quite get what they meant conceptually. I had a vague notion of what they were trying to convey at times but it was clear to me that I was only getting random pieces of the puzzle. Throughout the day we would have to pair off and do various types of sharing and communication exercises with the people sitting next to us…and no it wasn’t anything horribly uncomfortable. These exercises were geared towards the idea of helping people to have breakthroughs about themselves and their life’s and to motivate them to create possibilities for themselves that they never dreamed possible. I myself created the opportunity to be self confident.

Among the conversations and topics of the day, various participants would go up to the microphone either in front or the back of the room and share what was ever on their mind. It was amazing to witness the skeptical of someone having a breakthrough in front of 150 people while talking through things with Gary. I swear, time after time and only after about 10 minutes each, these people literally shifted in every sense of the word. Their posture, attitudes & mindsets would morph before your eyes. I seriously saw a girl (who I am now creating a friendship with) change into a woman. I know it seems hard to wrap your mind around…hell it was for me and I was sitting there, but I promise you it’s true. By the end of the first day I was exhausted not only by the week I had leading up to Landmark, but by the program it’s self. Thinking about yourself all day is tiring! I don’t know how the egomaniacs of the world do it. lol.

On my drive home I still felt like maybe this course wasn’t for me and that I would sit in a room for two more long days and waste my entire weekend. I had to keep reminding myself of my friends that had already “been there done that” and how they felt after finishing the forum. I figured that there had to be something more to come. I knew that if I gave up then I wasn’t ever going to find out what it was and I’d be throwing away the chance of feeling as free and empowered as they do. Plus I wanted to stick to my word and complete the course.

For me, the second day was much more difficult than the first. With the heaviness of the topics of conversation and the various exercises, I realized some very important things about myself that I hadn’t known before. I seemed to be grasping more of what Gary and Carolina were saying and their over all picture was becoming clearer. As certain points were discussed, I felt like I was already practicing these things in my life. It wasn’t as though I felt like I was above those around me (especially since everyone is at different stages of development) it was just that in the last few years I’ve really been focusing on my personal growth and I had already gained the wisdom they were sharing. Now had I taken this course 2.5 years ago, it would be a very different story. None the less, there is always more that can be learned. By the end of the second day I had confronted some deep seeded fears that I didn’t know existed, I had shed a good amount of tears and I was ready to take on the world. Talk about a spectrum of feelings! I felt like I had my own personal breakthrough and that I had found the confidence I had come to Landmark to gain. For the first time in my life my mind was quite, peaceful and empty. For those of you where your mind always seems to be going in a million different directions every waking moment of the day, you know what an amazing experience this was for me. It was as though I created a barrier around my mind and nothing could get in. It was without a doubt absolute tranquility. I was in a good space and was anxious about what day three was going to hold.

Throughout the third day I was feeling pretty great. I was continuing to develop budding friendships with several people, I was really getting what my leaders were talking about and I was anxious to learn more and have additional breakthroughs. It wasn’t until right before the dinner break where I suddenly felt like my world was crashing down around me. It was as though someone has sucker punched me and pulled the carpet from under my feet. Gary had shared the bottom line of what the Landmark Forum is all about and I had a hard time taking it all in. It was as though what he told me made everything that I “knew” to be true, not at all reality. I felt like in one fowl swoop he taken away everything in my life that had every really mattered. It might sound a touch dramatic to those of you reading this now (it certainly does to me) but at that moment, I was being as authentic as I think I’ve ever been. Lucky for me I had four really great friends (two of which had taken the class) coming to take me out to a congratulatory dinner. It was immediately apparent to them that something wasn’t quite right. I tried explaining where I was coming from but because these thoughts and feelings were so new to me, I had a difficult time expressing myself. One of my friends in particular thought that Landmark had broken me. I’m sure it looked like my spirit had been crushed. I’m usually a pretty upbeat and resilient kind of guy, so seeing me in the state I was in, came across as a distress call. My alumni friends felt that it was important for me to get back to the class and speak with one of the instructors before things got back underway. They were trying to explain to me that I took what Gary was saying wrong and that it wasn’t meant to rob me of everything I held close to my heart, but was supposed to make them that much richer. Unfortunately, Gary was busy up until we started again so I wasn’t able to get any counseling or additional explanation from him. It wasn’t until later that night when two hot brothers (yes that always makes it better) got up to share their breakthroughs that I had another one of my own. Through their testimonial I was able to really get what Gary meant by what he said before the dinner break. I realized that it was my interpretation of what he said that made it affect me that way it did. Because I felt like he was challenging my entire life and who I am as a person, I reacted with major resistance to accepting what he was trying to say. After the bothers shared, I realized that Gary wasn’t out to ruin my life but was there to help give me the tools and wisdom to make it the best possible life ever.

Putting my experience into words, doesn’t seem to convey the power and effect this course had on me and if I were a first time reader, I know for a fact I would be skeptical. It’s hard to convey the fact that these life changes really do begin to happen and most often in the span of 10 minutes. It’s important to know however that going to Landmark isn’t like waving a magic wand and poof…you’ve got no more issues. It’s the first step of many in making a life transformation. Landmark provides the tools and you provide the action. It’s something that you have to live out every day to the best of your ability. Is it easy? Nope, but it seems to me that the best and most valuable lessons in life are the most difficult ones to lean and get through. I strongly recommend this course to anyone who is up for bettering themselves and their lives. Just remember that each person gets a little something different out of it and that your experience is like a fingerprint….it’s all your own. I found what I was looking for. My friends see it, I see it and each day that I live out my transformation and I am as true to myself as I can be…the world sees it too.

Tags: Landmark Education, Mind, Personal Growth, Confidence

Shop For Life

Every time I go shopping, I try not to go too crazy because I quickly get bored of whatever I just bought. The newness wears away and I'm left with the urge to go shopping again, wondering what I'm going to buy next. It's fun to explore new stores with their new inventory. Styles change ALL the time. Jeans are fresh, shirts are colorful, and there are unlimited amounts of shoes to buy. I'm not afraid to shop, to look for new trends and styles, to try on things and put them back if they don't fit. I enjoy it, love it, and feel lucky that I'm able to do it. Once I find the shirt that's calling my name, the jeans that fit better than the last ones, and the shoes that match the outfit I've been dying to wear...I feel great! But, it doesn't last long. Nope. The newness goes away and then I'm back to the mall again, with my credit card in hand. I got used to something, something that I wanted, something that I got. That's why I'm ALWAYS ready for my next shopping adventure because it's just too much fun and I never know what else I'm going to find.

I want to live my life like I do when I'm shopping. I want to try on new things and not settle when they don't have my size or it's the wrong color. Being courageous is like being a shopper. Life changes as much as styles and trends do in the fashion world. We get bored because we're used to our same old routines, thoughts, and experiences. We already know it, there's nothing new to excite us, to motivate to keep pushing forward. To live courageously, we must go out and find the newness, the excitement, the niche that gives us the ability to grow as individuals. We must embrace the fear, our failures, and use it to our advantage to experience the thrill of life and conquering the unknown, making it the known. After all, there's nothing to know, what we don't know, we can find out. And, when we do, it prepares us for the next challenge, the next move or phase in our lives. It's what keeps the excitement and the thrill of life keeps going.

Tags: living life courageously

Annoying

Blogger is still having problems...

A Car Ride

This is how messed up some people are. Last night, when we were driving to Fresno, this blue truck was keeping up with us. I was in the back, behind the passenger seat, enjoying the drive and listening to the music. All of a sudden, I look over and this middle-aged man was pushing his pelvis up in the air for us to view his male area. He was fully erect, with the look of sexual intention. I immediately ducked down and seriously couldn't relay to the girls what I just saw. When I finally did, we looked over again and he was jacking off to...probably my reaction. He quickly exited the freeway and left us in shock. I was traumatized and very disgusted. I've never, in my whole life, seen something like that before. We were sexually assaulted on the freeway and I'm sure it wasn't his first time. The scary part is this was probably a minor incident compared to what he's done or thinking about doing. Thankfully, Carrie took action today and called the police department to report it.

Hmmmm...maybe this is a good example of why I constantly write about Landmark and why our world needs to change. PEOPLE NEED TO CHANGE! This man gave me a negative experience, which turned into for a brief moment, "ALL straight men are perverts!" What!?! I don't believe that! I have too many wonderful men in my life to even think that. My point is one person CAN affect many, whether it's in a positive or negative way. This single man was able to affect my way of thinking for several minutes. Thankfully, I know he's just an individual with issues...he doesn't represent heterosexual men. If people would only take that perspective on, life would be a lot less hateful.

Racket

Ahhhh...Blogger has been down for a couple hours. That was annoying.

Madonna

So, we drove to Fresno last night for the Madonna concert. We weren't looking forward to the drive at all, in fact Jill and I sat here before we left saying how it'd be cool if we didn't go. I'm SO glad we went! It was that much better than the LA show. The crowd had a different vibe, a genuine excitement to it. It was really loud and I could feel the energy circulating in the air as she danced and sang all over of the stage. She had a few messages to share with her audience, the reason why I think she chose Fresno as one of her venues. Madonna not only has something to say on her album, she has some political statements as well. She not only touched upon what's happening in our country, she broadened her concerns to all the unfortunate children around the world. Ones that are starving, infected with AIDS, and /or are homeless. I got this sense that Madonna began this tour with a purpose, to spread the word that our world is falling apart, that we need a change. It could be only my interpretation, maybe someone else thinks differently. I just know how her show came across to me and I totally respect and applaud her for using her celebrity power to make a difference. She's one of the few who has taken on her responsibility as being an American Citizen.

IT'S A BOY!

Kristen had her baby this morning! He weighs 7 lbs. and they named him Leo. I'm an aunt for the third time now! Woo hoo!

Psssst....

Check that RSS banner on the side...yup, I did that. I still don't get it entirely, but I'm workin it out!

A Bloggers "To Do" List

I've been reading Steve Pavlina's blog about blogging. These are some of the items he listed that will help me bring more traffic to my site:

• blog publishing software- Done
  
• HTML/CSS
• blog comments (and comment spam)
• RSS/syndication
• feed aggregators
• pings
• trackbacks
• full vs. partial feeds
• blog carnivals (for kick-starting your blog’s traffic)
  
• search engines
• search engine optimization (SEO)
• page rank
• social bookmarking
• tagging - Done
  
• contextual advertising
• affiliate programs
• traffic statistics - Done
  
• email

I've marked the ones that I've touched upon already. Right now, I'm working on "RSS/syndication." I totally don't get it, but I guess that's the challenge and I accept it. Let's see what I can do!

Failure

I was always afraid of failing. I would take it personally and then live these negative stories that weren't even true. I never thought of failure as being a learning or personal growth tool. Funny, because I always told my students that. "It's good to make mistakes...that's how we learn," I'd say. They'd get it and feel good about it. When they would make a mistake, it didn't hurt their feelings; in fact, they kept on going. It's a courageous way to live, even at 6 years old.

Failure sounds like such a harsh word...nobody likes to fail. It's not the end of the world though when it happens. I can think of a few times when I've failed and look where I am now. I'm still here, living life, and feeling pretty happy doing it. I've grown up a lot due to my failures, if I didn't have them, I'd be a completely different person than I am today. What I never got was the learning part. I focused on the failing outcome and not the reasons why. I wasn't able to look back and say, "This is what I did wrong, what can I do to make it better?" Instead, I told myself, "Wow, I'm not good at this, I should just quit." Failure makes us stronger, not weak. It makes us more aware, not blind. Failing should be the fuel that ignites our fire. We just have to keep that in mind when it happens. Easier said than done, I know. But if we practice it, soon it will be an expected part of life, we'll get over it quicker and STILL live out our dreams. Failure is actually the key to our success. If we didn't have it, we wouldn't be who we are today.

"Good people are good because they've come to wisdom through failure. We get very little wisdom from success, you know." -William Saroyan

Tags: Failure, Courage, Wisdom

Another evening with Madonna.

Yeah, we're driving to Fresno today. It's a 3 hour trip....blaahhh! We bought these tickets before the other ones incase we couldn't go to the LA show. We didn't try very hard to sell them, I guess we really like Madonna...HA! Gina, Jill, Carrie, and I will be heading there around 2:30ish...it'll be fun!

I'm a dog sitter!

After a conversation with Jill this morning, I'm officially a Thank Dog! Sitter now. I will be staying at her clients homes while they are away, for extra cash and an easy schedule. I'm excited about this new venture. I never would've considered this before, but it's actually a great opportunity and will go nicely with my random schedule as it is now. There's so much to look forward to and I'm really starting to get that. I don't think my life could be any more stress-free than it already is...woo hoo!

Balance

Jill and I went to Runyan this morning with the dogs. When we were finished, I headed over to the gym...FINALLY! I realized how much balance plays a big part of being happy in life. I felt good that I made it there, but felt even better knowing that I didn't have to be so extreme about lifting weights. This new attitude alone will keep me going because I don't feel that I HAVE to like I did.

My story: I used to work out like a mad woman. I was obsessed with being toned, making sure my arms and everything else was nice and tight. It took a lot of work. I'd get up at 4:15 am and go work out for 1 1/2-2 hours before school. I felt great but then it started to wear on me. Pretty soon I got burnt out from the gym and stopped going after 2 years of intense work outs and very healthy eating habits. I got bored and I couldn't get back into it. I would feel depressed that I didn't have the motivation that I once had, which then lead me to think I'm a lazy ass and there's no way I will get there again. Thankfully, I realize now that I'm still relatively active and I don't need those arms of steal. I am very comfortable with my activity level and I never feel strained for it. It's amazing what a new perspective on living can do for the quality of life. I'm enjoying being balanced because it doesn't cause stress and it keeps me motivated.

A balanced life makes a happy one. Living the extreme will easily distract us from all the other important aspects of life and keeps the enjoyment out of the task we're doing. It makes it more of a necessity rather than a choice, which leads to that moment of dread right before we get started. It's not a good feeling to have, especially if it's a daily occurence. It takes the fun out of living and puts a damper on our daily routines. Furthermore, we tend to be more open-minded when we're balanced and that in itself will open new doors to new opportunities, ones we never even saw coming.

"Pain gets rid of weakness."

My friend, Chris, said this to me today. It's so true if you think about it. Anytime I've ever felt pain, I'm always stronger for it in the end. Feeling pain is that moment of weakness, one that we must go through to find our inner strength. Weakness is only emotion, they're the feelings we get when something isn't what we expected. If we can get through the pain, we end up being the winner, the one who didn't give up and fought for another chance at life.

Tags: Pain, Emotion, Weakness

It's MY life.

Gay Pride starts this week in West Hollywood. Usually it's a celebration for people who are living their lives authentically, but instead we're in a constant battle with "followers," ignorance, and inexperienced people in this world. Tomorrow Congress will be voting on a Constitutional Amendment that will ban gay marriage. It's so disappointing to me that people who are for it, are those who have no idea what "gay" is. They don't get that it's NOT a choice, that we are who we are. They don't get that gay is only about love and nothing else.

How does my being with another woman affect you? You don't even know who I am. Why do you get to say what's good for me in my life? Nobody has that right but Me, I don't tell you what to do. Why does it bother you so much to see two people in love? There's so much hate and violence in this world, love is what we need right now. Why are you scared of the unfamiliar? Be strong for your fellow citizens, your family, and/or your friends... gay people are not going away. Are you afraid that if gay couples marry, that you'll turn gay? That must be it. After all, you're placing judgments and opinions on something you know nothing about. If you did, you'd see that we're just regular people who want to find love and commitment just as much as YOU!

Tags: Gay, Lesbian, Gay Marriage,
Politics

Uncertainty

It's funny how life takes these unexpected turns, leaving us in a place of uncertainty. I'm really getting that it's all just a part of the process and it will make us grow that much stronger. I'm really getting that the outside world has nothing to do with me, that I have everything to do with myself. I'm really getting that as long as I am happy, the job I have or don't have means nothing in the end. I'm really getting that other people have their own issues and emotions and the only thing I can do is be patient. I'm really getting that nothing should be certain because if it was I'd never get what I want.

Living a life of uncertainty is living a life of dreams. When we're uncertain, there are no limits, only space for personal growth. If we can't see what the future holds, nothing will stop us from succeeding in our challenges. It will motivate us to do our very best and to win the game of life.

I DO have something to say.

I try to stay away from writing about politics in my blog because there's nothing but opinions, judgments, and lies that occur on the topic. Everyone feels differently. Well, we used to anyway. The Bush Administration has turned that around due to their stupidity. People that run this administration are great examples of in-authentic human beings. They are miserable people who choose power and money over humanity. They don't care about the quality of life or about the American Citizens who put them in charge (it was a fixed election by the way.). They run their lives with greed, lies, deception, and death. I do wonder how they sleep at night, knowing they destroyed our country. I wonder what their voices are saying after each lie they tell, after each soldier that's killed, and the hate they are about to vote on to change our U.S. Constitution. Yeah, that's right. For you that don't know, gay marriage is the top priority once again. They are willing to mess with MY life so their approval ratings (Bush is at a 32% approval rating) go up. They are taking MY rights away as a distraction for their incompetence.

I am a good person. All of you know that. Whether I've just met you recently, or I already know you, or by just reading this blog...you know the kind of person that I am. I am here to help people, to support them, to let them know that life is a miracle and not a punishment. Am I gay? Yes. Does that affect you? No, not negatively. I affect you by sharing my authenticity with you. I affect you by showing you I'm real and not afraid to be ME. I affect you by my experiences, letting you know that it's okay to be happy. I affect you by being a leader, not following the "rules" of society.

It's hard to sit here and watch people who aren't directly in my life, affect my life so significantly. I do take it personally because whomever I fall in love with has NOTHING to do with them and they continually try to DICTATE how my life is being lived.

It's hard to sit here, knowing that we live in fear, due to a group of regular people that are controlled by their own weaknesses. They have not a care in the world about gay people, but their willing to use my life for their sick agenda. DICK has a gay daughter and he's willing to throw away her and her partners rights. Is he really disgusted by his own daughter or is there something I'm missing?

It's hard to sit here, knowing that I may never be able to commit the way I want to that special lady because people follow a religion that teaches judgments, discrimination, unacceptance, and has NOTHING to do with ME. Aren't we the land of the free? Isn't that why we have the right as human beings to choose our own religious followings? "Follow" is the key word here. What happened to the leaders? What happened to individuality and independence? What happened to uniting as a country and letting people live the lives that we were each born into?

Life isn't precious to you George. You are encouraging hate in this world, you are trying to take something precious away from me. I didn't do anything wrong , in fact, I'm a MUCH better person than you are. I know how to care and love. I know how to stand up for people and their lives, ones that I never even met. I know how to lead because I'm leading myself. You should never have been in the position you're in because you make me afraid to live my life. You make me have enemies, ones I never knew existed. You make me wrong for my life, not even an encouragement to live it powerfully. You made our country shameful, an embarrassment to the world. You promote something you don't even believe in, to make yourself look good. You're not God or the leader, you're the follower of a corrupt government that doesn't have a leg to stand on. You're a weak man and thankfully our country is finally waking up to that. Shame on you for making this post a reality.

Tags: Politics, Gay Rights, Gay Marriage, Religion, Society

Alone...not a bad thing.

I really enjoy my alone time. I never thought I'd be able to say that. It's interesting how things change when WE change. I actually look forward to spend time with myself. It gives me a time to reflect and to really "get" what it feels like to be truly authentic. I don't have worries, I'm just observing each moment as they come. I elude confidence because I'm not caring about my image or what I'm going to say next. I take the time to sort out my thoughts, ditching the negativity that may have entered my mind during the day. I practice controlling my mind, turning on the voices, then turning them off. I'm able to see reality for what it is, with no outside influence. I can appreciate the life that I have and the people who are in it. I look forward to seeing them in a couple of hours because I feel blessed to have created such strong relationships and I deeply know they're never going away. I love that I live in Los Angeles. This wonderful city has so much to offer and I get that. It's crowded with amazing places, things to do, new people to meet, and people to grow with. My lonely moments aren't lonely at all. I love being with myself because it encourages me to be Me.

Tags: Lonely, Self-Improvement, Life, Self-Love, Reflection

Challenge #14- Success!

I forgot to mention that I completed challenge #14 yesterday. My car ended up being my project for the day. It was nice being out in the sun, being active, and making my car nice and clean for the next time I have to drive somewhere. Even though it was just a car wash, I felt like I accomplished something and I felt good about it. It's all about the small stuff...

I also just cleaned my house. Nothing better than dancing and cleaning to my iPod. I thought, "I mind as well make it fun since it has to be done and I AM alone right now." Ahhhhh, there's nothing better than a clean house...okay there's a few things that are better but it IS at the top of the list. HA!

New friendship

Just got back from hiking. It was great. Juleen and I had some great conversations as we climbed the hard trail. I learned more about her today which of course makes me like her so much more. I am very excited about our new friendship.

It's very seldom that I meet someone that I immediately pursue to be my friend. I am a homebody, love being with Calen, Carrie, Jamie and Gina everyday and Josh on Sundays, Tuesdays and whenever else he decides to show up (love it). I mean, usually I have casual encounters, we hang for a moment, then I or they get busy and we kind of drift off. I don't feel like this will be the same thing. The last time I felt like this with someone was actually Carrie, who I hold dear to my heart to this day. She is someone I see almost everyday - when she isn't with Ryan of course.

So yeah, Juleen kicks ass and I feel blessed to have met her. I have only known her since Landmark, but feel like I have known her for years. I am able to talk to her about things that I normally wouldn't. So, it feels good.

Tags: Frienship, encounters, casual

Visit

I'm not sure what the day holds for me yet. Our friend from Ohio, Chris (aka Boney), is in town so he will be arriving here today for the weekend. He's a good friend. Jill and I grew up with him...lots of memories. It's always great to see him, he fits right in with my friends here. We love Boney! At one point, we tried to recruit him to CA...of course that didn't work. He's madly in love with his fiance that he's marrying in July. We knew it would never happen, we just liked to tease him because we enjoy his company so much. It'll be a fun weekend!

My challenge is being met as we speak...

I went to my seminar last night (kicking and screaming) and the topic was to declare something you want done by the end of the 12 weeks. Our homework this week is to set a goal to achieve by the next time we meet.

I am using the seminar and homeworks to finally lose the weight that I need to lose. I declared that I am going to work out 5 days this week and I am also going to cook. The challenge that is being met right now is that Juleen, my buddy from Landmark, and I promised eachother we would wake up and go hiking. She has never been to Runyan, so this will be fun. It's about 6:48am and I have already talked to her. I am very proud of us for waking up this early to go.

Is it unrealistic to lose the 20 lbs during this hike? haha...yeah, I thought so. However, I think if I cut out eating and drinking all day there is a chance. Just kidding, I would never do that. This will make me feel good for the rest of the day and that is all that matters...I will be one hike towards my goal!!

Tags: hiking, promise, challenge, homework

It was ALL me.

Before Landmark, I always felt like I was searching for something...

I didn't get why I was so bored and constantly feeling antsy. My thought: "There's nothing to do. I'll just sit around and wait for the fun to come to me."

I didn't get why I was so envious of other people's lives and why my life was so lame. My thought: "It must be that I'm too scared or not strong enough to do what they do."

I didn't get where the loneliness was coming from and why I couldn't find that special lady. My thought: "If I find her then everything will be different and I'll be happy again."

I didn't get why my job was hard to go to every morning, it took me everything I had to get there. My thought: "If I can get through the rest of the year, things will start falling into place."

I didn't get why money was always an issue, I wanted more of it. My thought: "If I win the lottery, all my problems will be solved and I'd never have worries again."

All of these thoughts were taking over my life, leaving me depressed and feeling hopeless. I never stopped to think about where these feelings were coming from. I was too busy blaming the external things and not focusing in on the internal. It wasn't that I didn't get those feelings, it was that I wasn't "getting" myself. I was the problem. Now, I don't get bored...there's ALWAYS something to do. I'm not envious of other people anymore...I'm just as strong and willing to get what I want. I'm not lonely either...I have wonderful people around me and when I am alone, I'm enjoying the time I have to myself. My job was still the same, but my attitude changed. Suddenly, it wasn't a chore and the end of the year was here before I knew it. I've already made a career move, so things WILL be falling into place. Although, I still would like to see more money in my bank account, I know it's not the only thing in life. It's me who makes me happy.

Tags: Mind, Boredom, Loneliness, Money, Career